I give you up.
It's time.
After all of this.
All of these crazy thoughts keyed here over the past year and a half.
I give you up.
I'm setting sail.
Maybe our paths will cross again someday.
I would like that. I hope that they do. I hope we will be friends forever.
Because you're the only one, despite how much you've caused me pain
You're the only one I have ever trusted on this level.
Because you caused me pain. Because you gave me the truth.
And because I didn't always open my mouth, but I opened my heart to you.
That doesn't even have to be in a romantic sense.
Just from one human to another, I opened my heart to you. In a way I've never done before.
I hope someday we will be a part of each others' lives.
You are the only one in my entire life who, when they said the words "you will be okay,"
the hurt subsided, and I took a breath, and I immediately believed them.
I trust you that deeply.
To know that you don't idly throw words around.
I believe everything you say to me on the deepest level I've ever known.
And if you tell me I'm going to be okay,
Then Okay. I will be.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Friday, August 8, 2014
You really are a unique fucking snowflake
I wish you were like everyone else. You were meant to be nothing more than that.
You were meant to be nothing more than a distraction.
I wish all the things I lightly noted about you at the first had never become meaningful.
The way your hair sticks out in the back.
The way your jacket smells.
The way the backs of your shoes are broken down but you keep stepping on them anyway, and the way your eyes sometimes look nervous when you're sitting in public.
You were meant to be like everyone else.
And isn't it strange, how all of those things,
things that you can take in in a glance when you first meet someone
All of those meaningless details can suddenly seem like the most important things in the world.
Like the way I laid behind you one night,
one arm draped around your waist
And I opened my eyes and just looked at you for a second
And that time, while your breathing was evening out
I noticed there was a little freckle behind your left ear
And I told myself, remember that there is a freckle there
Because there may never again be someone who could tell you that off the top of their head, without having to look
Like maybe they were all wrong, and it wasn't the devil but God who was in the details.
And every time we laid like that, after that night
and I opened my eyes and saw that freckle, I always smiled
like it was a secret I was sharing with myself
I might be the only one who ever has that freckle memorized.
And that is something that I can keep,
even when I'm alone.
Even when you're gone.
You were supposed to be like everyone else.
But you weren't.
You were meant to be nothing more than a distraction.
I wish all the things I lightly noted about you at the first had never become meaningful.
The way your hair sticks out in the back.
The way your jacket smells.
The way the backs of your shoes are broken down but you keep stepping on them anyway, and the way your eyes sometimes look nervous when you're sitting in public.
You were meant to be like everyone else.
And isn't it strange, how all of those things,
things that you can take in in a glance when you first meet someone
All of those meaningless details can suddenly seem like the most important things in the world.
Like the way I laid behind you one night,
one arm draped around your waist
And I opened my eyes and just looked at you for a second
And that time, while your breathing was evening out
I noticed there was a little freckle behind your left ear
And I told myself, remember that there is a freckle there
Because there may never again be someone who could tell you that off the top of their head, without having to look
Like maybe they were all wrong, and it wasn't the devil but God who was in the details.
And every time we laid like that, after that night
and I opened my eyes and saw that freckle, I always smiled
like it was a secret I was sharing with myself
I might be the only one who ever has that freckle memorized.
And that is something that I can keep,
even when I'm alone.
Even when you're gone.
You were supposed to be like everyone else.
But you weren't.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
I do know why I'm smiling
What the hell do I do? I know this is going nowhere. You're never going to let it really go somewhere because... because you just won't. Because I'm not the one, I guess. It's somebody else. And I flip flop, and sometimes it hurts, and sometimes I feel like I'd almost be relieved if you were gone so I wouldn't have to keep riding the rollercoaster. Sometimes I just don't know. But I'm so fucking tired of those moments where I'm laying there in your bed and I'm just thinking... Oh my god, I love you so much. It's the worst in the morning, when I first wake up. And I open my eyes right when you open your eyes and they're just so blue and so green and they're just so bright, and you just look so fucking beautiful, and I just want to reach out and wrap up tight in you and say I love you I love you I love you, good morning beautiful, I love you like I can feel the earth rotating around me. Except I can never say those stupid fucking things. And then you look at me and you say, why are you smiling? And what can I say to that? Not that. Not what I want to. So I just stop smiling, or try to, and say nothing, or I don't know. And kind of hurt like my whole body is aching. And I'm getting so used to it that it's just normal. And there probably will never be a day when I can just say that. Good morning beautiful, your eyes make me notice the earth turning. I'm so happy to be next to you. I could just look at you all day because there is literally nothing more beautiful to look at than you. There will never be a fucking day. It'll just go on like this forever until it stops. Nothing, I don't know why I'm smiling. I don't know.
I do fucking know.
Ow.
I do fucking know.
Ow.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
The sixth sense
And there's the sound of breathing. There's the sound of your laugh, short and breathless and sleepy. There's your eyes, crinkled at the corners, leaning in making a face at me. Lean in too, kiss that face. Kiss a cheek and a forehead. Rest a hand behind your head, cup the short black hair. Smooth it down. And there's the sound of silence, and a weight on my chest, and the vague thrumming of your heart beating through your chest, through your jacket, against me. Run a hand up your leg, penguin pajama bottoms. Up your side, softest skin I've ever touched. Pull you closer and hold on to you and hope you let me hold you at least for a moment. Breathe. And there's the smell of your jacket, and your skin and your hair and they're all different and I know them all so well. Breathe. And there's the sudden way my heart strains against my ribcage. Close my eyes. Press my face into your jacket. Breathe. Sharp, in my chest, almost like pain. Like joy. Like belonging somewhere, hoping to be allowed to feel that way, burning. And there's you.
Friday, June 6, 2014
Monday, May 26, 2014
The blocking words
We always talk. Talk, talk, talk. And sometimes we get closer to understanding, and sometimes we don't. And always there's a hole in my heart from the simple effort of not truly needing to say anything to you, except to say, to scream, to fall apart to the tune of the words: can't you see that I'm dying without you. I love you more than I could ever know to explain. I love you so much. Desperate. Fucking empty. Take your time. Don't trust. But I'm dying here without you, and you're not really here because you won't let yourself be. I've been waiting on the edge of this cliff for you alone. And I need you now. I need you to come save me from this, or just stand next to me. I fucking love you so much.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Monday, May 5, 2014
The way the earth turns
The earth moves. We all know this. We all know we're spinning through some vast expanse of empty space at impossible speeds. Shooting, rotating. Flying. But sometimes the entire fucking earth moves, and you can feel it. Not because of some broken laws of physics. Because of somebody's eyes.
What I don't understand, is how the entire earth could move, and you couldn't feel it.
Because it shook me. My breath rattled in my lungs. My eyes descended. Shaken.
You didn't feel that? How could you miss it?
We all like to hope, once in a while, that the words falling on our battered eardrums mean something different than what we hear of them. We all like to make excuses. We all like to take "I don't love you," and "I'm just lonely" and throw them away. Throw them right away. To believe that maybe, even if someone says those things, if the earth fucking just moved how could they be true? To hope. Even though we've been told there's nothing to hope for, over and over again.
I look in your eyes and I feel platelets shift beneath an ocean under my feet. I feel Pangea. I feel the echoes of the first word, I feel the stardust in my bones. I feel history. I feel the magic in the world that science could never explain. I feel connected to everything that has ever been. In that one small moment, everything makes sense.
It's not enough to call you baby. It's not enough to say the words "I love you." Even if they weren't rejected, they still wouldn't be enough. No, "I need you" isn't even enough. Your eyes make me remember that the world is not scientists, or philosophers, or theologists. Your eyes make me remember that the world is magic. It's not enough to say I can't do without you. I must do without you. But thank you for sharing that glimpse with me.
What I don't understand, is how the entire earth could move, and you couldn't feel it.
Because it shook me. My breath rattled in my lungs. My eyes descended. Shaken.
You didn't feel that? How could you miss it?
We all like to hope, once in a while, that the words falling on our battered eardrums mean something different than what we hear of them. We all like to make excuses. We all like to take "I don't love you," and "I'm just lonely" and throw them away. Throw them right away. To believe that maybe, even if someone says those things, if the earth fucking just moved how could they be true? To hope. Even though we've been told there's nothing to hope for, over and over again.
I look in your eyes and I feel platelets shift beneath an ocean under my feet. I feel Pangea. I feel the echoes of the first word, I feel the stardust in my bones. I feel history. I feel the magic in the world that science could never explain. I feel connected to everything that has ever been. In that one small moment, everything makes sense.
It's not enough to call you baby. It's not enough to say the words "I love you." Even if they weren't rejected, they still wouldn't be enough. No, "I need you" isn't even enough. Your eyes make me remember that the world is not scientists, or philosophers, or theologists. Your eyes make me remember that the world is magic. It's not enough to say I can't do without you. I must do without you. But thank you for sharing that glimpse with me.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Drown in hershey's, the river is too cold
She's so kind to me, he said. You're so kind to me.
Sometimes, he said, when you're not here, I sit there and I think to myself
It's amazing how kind to me she is.
I told everyone I was over that other girl all along, he said
but I wasn't really, until about a year ago.
I joked, it's because you met me a year ago of course.
Then I laughed. I said, I'm not drunk enough to be that cocky.
He looked thoughtful. He said no, you might be right
Sometimes, he said, when you're not here, I sit there and I think to myself
It's amazing how kind to me she is.
I told everyone I was over that other girl all along, he said
but I wasn't really, until about a year ago.
I joked, it's because you met me a year ago of course.
Then I laughed. I said, I'm not drunk enough to be that cocky.
He looked thoughtful. He said no, you might be right
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Poaceae
Hold your hands in my pockets
They're starting to fray
Breathe this quiet air
all around your hair against my shoulder
Give a name to this feeling
Hastily cast it away.
Mona Lisa, can I
climb inside your smile and stay awhile
But there's a river outside my window
There's an ocean outside my door
How could my fingers forget your skin so
I wouldn't recognize you anymore?
When I was a child I saw a million people
standing in the streets to pray
So when my fingers forget your skin, oh
I remember there's an ocean outside my window
The door was always wide open
But the gaps between your fingers made me stay
And I would promise not to let you down
if you'd promise not to go away
saying Wendy won't you sew on my shadow
It keeps getting away from me
Tell you I couldn't help but feel glad, though
Because it wanted so bad to be free
But there's a river outside my window
There's an ocean outside my door
How could my fingers forget your skin so
I wouldn't recognize you anymore?
When I was a child I saw a million people
standing in the streets to pray
So when my fingers forget your skin, oh
I remember there's an ocean outside my window.
They're starting to fray
Breathe this quiet air
all around your hair against my shoulder
Give a name to this feeling
Hastily cast it away.
Mona Lisa, can I
climb inside your smile and stay awhile
But there's a river outside my window
There's an ocean outside my door
How could my fingers forget your skin so
I wouldn't recognize you anymore?
When I was a child I saw a million people
standing in the streets to pray
So when my fingers forget your skin, oh
I remember there's an ocean outside my window
The door was always wide open
But the gaps between your fingers made me stay
And I would promise not to let you down
if you'd promise not to go away
saying Wendy won't you sew on my shadow
It keeps getting away from me
Tell you I couldn't help but feel glad, though
Because it wanted so bad to be free
But there's a river outside my window
There's an ocean outside my door
How could my fingers forget your skin so
I wouldn't recognize you anymore?
When I was a child I saw a million people
standing in the streets to pray
So when my fingers forget your skin, oh
I remember there's an ocean outside my window.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Thoughts on the end
Right now, I'm having some thoughts about how this whole thing is going to end, whenever that will be. The thing is... I don't think either of us could keep up this kind of relationship if we're seeing someone on the side. You because you have jealousy issues, and me because I still have feelings for you. I guess you have feelings for me too on some level but I don't know that it's quite the same. I just don't know that we could do that. Keep spending nights together tangled up watching netflix, or going to the bar and talking to each other about every personal thing our respective friends are going through, or sleeping together, or waking up together, or any of it, while the other one was doing those things with somebody else too. I don't think either of us would really be able to do that.
And I also know that we've never just been friends. There was always that element to it, the constant touch even if it wasn't sexual, the energy between us. We've been friends all this time, yes, but that was never all it was. So when we talked about it ages ago and you said you couldn't really seeing us being friends if one of us started actually seeing someone else, I was a little bit hurt because I do see you as my friend, a really good friend, and I want to think that we could still be part of each others' lives after one of us finds somebody, but I wasn't offended because I get what you're saying. Our relationship has always been cuddling and just being close with each other, closer than someone who was just a friend. That's just how we are with each other. I don't know if we could -not- be that way with each other. I totally understand that and see where you're coming from.
At the same time though... it's been almost a year. About a month and a half shy of a year now, that we've spent almost every day together. The days we weren't together we were texting back and forth nonstop, or calling. Besides those three weeks when we didn't talk a couple months ago, there was probably a grand total of 7 days, if that, that we were totally not in contact over a year. You're my friend. Before that whole incident when all those things were said... I mean, I referred to you as my best friend. Besides Kerstin of course, and there's anna and steve, but I don't see them every day. I would refer to you as my best friend when I was talking about you to people who didn't know you. Oh me and my best friend did this the other day, or I'd tell stories where I did this thing and then my best friend said this thing and it was really funny. That's how I talked about you. And I meant it. So I guess... I understand how it would be hard and weird and maybe even not possible for us to just be friends, and not sleep together and not touch each other and not look at each other the way we look at each other sometimes. But still... you are my friend. I care about you a lot as a person, as a friend. You're not just some dude that I have blinding feelings for that make me want to be near you all the time regardless of whether we have anything to say to each other or whether we can have an actual conversation. It's not like that. It's been like that before, where you just have so many feelings for this person that none of the facts even count, you just have to be near them. It's not like that with you. I can sit there when Kerstin meets a new boy and tell you that psh I didn't really like him and tell you all the reasons why and you sit there and listen to the whole spiel and then tell me well you don't really like the sound of him either, and then we can sit there talking shit. I can bounce ideas and thoughts off of you. When I'm lost or something's bothering me or I don't understand why someone is doing or saying something or anything, I can talk to you about it. Sometimes you offer up advice and sometimes you just listen but you're always there to talk to. You really are my friend. And you know what, I can get over having feelings for you. I know I can because I've already had to do it to protect myself. I know I can do that. But I don't know if I can just get over being your friend. I don't know if I can just get over having you in my life that easy. I really... I guess I kind of lean on you in a lot of ways, ways that maybe neither of us even really realize, but I know I do. You've become such a big part of my life and I value your thoughts and your opinions (most of the time... :)hehe ) and I just... if you meet someone, I'd truly be happy for you. I'm happy if you're happy, because that's what friends do. Seriously, I mean that, I would be happy that you had found something or someone that made you happy. I could handle that. But I just don't want you gone from my life. I really don't. I need you. You're not just one of my best friends, you have a special role in my life. You're kind of the calm, thoughtful one. I like hearing your advice on stuff in my life. I like talking to you, hearing what you're thinking. It kind of brings me down to earth. I really don't want to lose you. And you're right, I don't know how we could be just friends. I don't know. But I know I can't just let you disappear after all of this.
I know I've brought it back to this so many times but, remember when you said to me... I'm not going anywhere unless you kick me out of your life. Maybe that was just a throwaway comment to you, or maybe it was just a heated in the moment thing but, it really meant something to me. It meant a lot to me. It felt safe. I felt like I could trust you. Like you wouldn't just disappear. Like maybe I was one of your best friends too. And... I mean, I'm not saying I'm not ever going to meet somebody, but I'm never going to kick you out of my life. And I still just get this feeling like you're going to go somewhere eventually, whether soon or in a long time, whether I want you to or not. I don't want to lose my friend.
And I also know that we've never just been friends. There was always that element to it, the constant touch even if it wasn't sexual, the energy between us. We've been friends all this time, yes, but that was never all it was. So when we talked about it ages ago and you said you couldn't really seeing us being friends if one of us started actually seeing someone else, I was a little bit hurt because I do see you as my friend, a really good friend, and I want to think that we could still be part of each others' lives after one of us finds somebody, but I wasn't offended because I get what you're saying. Our relationship has always been cuddling and just being close with each other, closer than someone who was just a friend. That's just how we are with each other. I don't know if we could -not- be that way with each other. I totally understand that and see where you're coming from.
At the same time though... it's been almost a year. About a month and a half shy of a year now, that we've spent almost every day together. The days we weren't together we were texting back and forth nonstop, or calling. Besides those three weeks when we didn't talk a couple months ago, there was probably a grand total of 7 days, if that, that we were totally not in contact over a year. You're my friend. Before that whole incident when all those things were said... I mean, I referred to you as my best friend. Besides Kerstin of course, and there's anna and steve, but I don't see them every day. I would refer to you as my best friend when I was talking about you to people who didn't know you. Oh me and my best friend did this the other day, or I'd tell stories where I did this thing and then my best friend said this thing and it was really funny. That's how I talked about you. And I meant it. So I guess... I understand how it would be hard and weird and maybe even not possible for us to just be friends, and not sleep together and not touch each other and not look at each other the way we look at each other sometimes. But still... you are my friend. I care about you a lot as a person, as a friend. You're not just some dude that I have blinding feelings for that make me want to be near you all the time regardless of whether we have anything to say to each other or whether we can have an actual conversation. It's not like that. It's been like that before, where you just have so many feelings for this person that none of the facts even count, you just have to be near them. It's not like that with you. I can sit there when Kerstin meets a new boy and tell you that psh I didn't really like him and tell you all the reasons why and you sit there and listen to the whole spiel and then tell me well you don't really like the sound of him either, and then we can sit there talking shit. I can bounce ideas and thoughts off of you. When I'm lost or something's bothering me or I don't understand why someone is doing or saying something or anything, I can talk to you about it. Sometimes you offer up advice and sometimes you just listen but you're always there to talk to. You really are my friend. And you know what, I can get over having feelings for you. I know I can because I've already had to do it to protect myself. I know I can do that. But I don't know if I can just get over being your friend. I don't know if I can just get over having you in my life that easy. I really... I guess I kind of lean on you in a lot of ways, ways that maybe neither of us even really realize, but I know I do. You've become such a big part of my life and I value your thoughts and your opinions (most of the time... :)hehe ) and I just... if you meet someone, I'd truly be happy for you. I'm happy if you're happy, because that's what friends do. Seriously, I mean that, I would be happy that you had found something or someone that made you happy. I could handle that. But I just don't want you gone from my life. I really don't. I need you. You're not just one of my best friends, you have a special role in my life. You're kind of the calm, thoughtful one. I like hearing your advice on stuff in my life. I like talking to you, hearing what you're thinking. It kind of brings me down to earth. I really don't want to lose you. And you're right, I don't know how we could be just friends. I don't know. But I know I can't just let you disappear after all of this.
I know I've brought it back to this so many times but, remember when you said to me... I'm not going anywhere unless you kick me out of your life. Maybe that was just a throwaway comment to you, or maybe it was just a heated in the moment thing but, it really meant something to me. It meant a lot to me. It felt safe. I felt like I could trust you. Like you wouldn't just disappear. Like maybe I was one of your best friends too. And... I mean, I'm not saying I'm not ever going to meet somebody, but I'm never going to kick you out of my life. And I still just get this feeling like you're going to go somewhere eventually, whether soon or in a long time, whether I want you to or not. I don't want to lose my friend.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Entry
I don't know what's wrong with me. Sometimes you look at me like there's nobody else in the world, and sometimes you look at me like I'm a stranger. Some days I hardly think of you, and I go about my day and I hang out with my friends and I have a great time and you don't cross my mind. Sometimes you're gone for a while and I don't miss you. Some days, for reasons I don't understand, when you're gone for a while, I can't think about anything else, and my heart hurts and I just miss you terribly.
I wish you could either just like me, or not. I'm tired of this confusion. I wish you would either come in or stop knocking at the door.
I wish you could either just like me, or not. I'm tired of this confusion. I wish you would either come in or stop knocking at the door.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
No.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I will not love him again. Do not fucking love him again. No no no no. Please stop. Please fucking stop I can't do it again.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Note to self
Just another little daily reminder to myself not to love you. Don't do it. Do not fucking do it.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Fuck.
Why. Why now. Do you have any idea, any idea at all, how long I waited for you to look at me like that. I knew you could. I knew it was hidden away. I thought you didn't feel it. Maybe you didn't. And now, after all of this. All the hurtful words, all the times you couldn't care less, all the times you couldn't be bothered. All the times your eyes skirted me and wouldn't just look at me. Here I am. Right fucking here in front of you. Look at me. LOOK at me. Where are you. You're a thousand miles away. And now, after all of that, after saying you didn't care about me anymore, after saying all it was was sex, after saying you weren't even my friend. Now. Why now. Why
We walk back from the bar. You put your arm around me, I lean my head on your shoulder, standing there, your arm tightens, I finish my cigarette. Go back to your room, lay down. You hold me so tight, as tight as you can. You look at me, your eyes sparkle. They sparkle. You look nervous and excited and alive. You kiss me, not for any reason. Not trying to have sex. Just because you want to kiss me. You never do that. You kiss me again. You roll over on top of me and kiss me again and again and again. I open my eyes and there it is. There it is right there. I waited for that for ten months and there it is. You're smiling. Not that 'mouth slightly quirked because youre trying to stop yourself from smiling' smile. Not the 'one of us just said something funny' smile. Not any kind of smile that I've seen. You're just looking at me. And there's this big, beautiful smile on your face, and you're not trying to hide it, and you're not trying to stop yourself from doing it, and your eyes are just shining, and there it is. There's the smile. I meet your eyes and you exhale in a little huff, smile more and look down. Kind of embarrassed but still smiling. You look so happy. To be there with me.
Two o clock in the morning comes. You're still kissing me. Still smiling. You pull back and you say, "let's go on an adventure!" Your eyes sparkle. I say really? You say yes really. I say well, what kind of adventure? You look at me with those brilliant, happy, shining eyes, and that big smile and you say "I'll go anywhere you want to go." You say it softly, with this little smile on your face, that almost makes it seem like there's two meanings to the words. I smile and you kiss me again, and neither of us can stop because we keep telling each other 'you get up first, no you, no you.' You kiss me again and I roll over on top of you and laugh delightedly and kiss you again and again and again, saying 'get up! get up! get up!' in between kisses, and you smile even wider and you laugh and kiss me some more. We decide to go to the hill in sellwood. I say we have to bring champagne because it's tradition, and you say we don't have any champagne but you have beer and we can pretend its champagne. You get it out of the fridge and make a big show of gentlemanly offering me my 'champagne.' We drive down there at two in the morning and sit together, drinking our champagne beer and watching the city. Wondering where different red lights are at, and what are those slow yellow lights over there, and why is the sky so pink. You didn't care where you went at two o clock in the morning, you had said, you would go anywhere with me.
Why are you smiling at me now. I waited so fucking long. I will not love you. I will not love you. I will not love you. I will not.
We walk back from the bar. You put your arm around me, I lean my head on your shoulder, standing there, your arm tightens, I finish my cigarette. Go back to your room, lay down. You hold me so tight, as tight as you can. You look at me, your eyes sparkle. They sparkle. You look nervous and excited and alive. You kiss me, not for any reason. Not trying to have sex. Just because you want to kiss me. You never do that. You kiss me again. You roll over on top of me and kiss me again and again and again. I open my eyes and there it is. There it is right there. I waited for that for ten months and there it is. You're smiling. Not that 'mouth slightly quirked because youre trying to stop yourself from smiling' smile. Not the 'one of us just said something funny' smile. Not any kind of smile that I've seen. You're just looking at me. And there's this big, beautiful smile on your face, and you're not trying to hide it, and you're not trying to stop yourself from doing it, and your eyes are just shining, and there it is. There's the smile. I meet your eyes and you exhale in a little huff, smile more and look down. Kind of embarrassed but still smiling. You look so happy. To be there with me.
Two o clock in the morning comes. You're still kissing me. Still smiling. You pull back and you say, "let's go on an adventure!" Your eyes sparkle. I say really? You say yes really. I say well, what kind of adventure? You look at me with those brilliant, happy, shining eyes, and that big smile and you say "I'll go anywhere you want to go." You say it softly, with this little smile on your face, that almost makes it seem like there's two meanings to the words. I smile and you kiss me again, and neither of us can stop because we keep telling each other 'you get up first, no you, no you.' You kiss me again and I roll over on top of you and laugh delightedly and kiss you again and again and again, saying 'get up! get up! get up!' in between kisses, and you smile even wider and you laugh and kiss me some more. We decide to go to the hill in sellwood. I say we have to bring champagne because it's tradition, and you say we don't have any champagne but you have beer and we can pretend its champagne. You get it out of the fridge and make a big show of gentlemanly offering me my 'champagne.' We drive down there at two in the morning and sit together, drinking our champagne beer and watching the city. Wondering where different red lights are at, and what are those slow yellow lights over there, and why is the sky so pink. You didn't care where you went at two o clock in the morning, you had said, you would go anywhere with me.
Why are you smiling at me now. I waited so fucking long. I will not love you. I will not love you. I will not love you. I will not.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Childhood
It's so weird. I've been really good at maintaining emotional distance thus far. I've blocked you out in a lot of ways. But for some reason the other night after we had sex, you were laying on your back tangled into me and our foreheads and noses were touching and out of nowhere, I don't even know why, that line from fox and the hound popped into my head. The point when the lady takes the fox back to the woods and leaves him there, and she's driving away crying and she says, in my hearts a memory, and there you'll always be. Just out of nowhere, I'm totally fine, been maintaining distance and not thinking of you emotionally, I've been fine. And boom that lines in my head. And I realized that every moment like that, laying there with our foreheads and our noses touching, could be the last one. I can lose you at anytime now . And I thought... This is how I want to remember you when you're gone. I want to remember laying here in silence, wrapped up in each other, forehead to forehead and nose to nose. I took a mental picture, and I knew that that was going to be the memory in my heart where you will always be. This all happened in about five seconds. And suddenly my throat started to burn and choke up and I almost just started crying right then and there before I could realize what was happening and stop myself. With my face right up against yours. I almost started to cry. My chest feels tight just remembering that. I don't even get where that sudden rush of feeling came from because I haven't been feeling much.
Monday, February 24, 2014
I've been so selfish
I'm just starting to realize it. I have been so fucking selfish. All this time, I thought I was being selfless, loving, true. I've just been so fucking selfish this entire time. And I'm sorry. And I need to tell you that. At some point, I need to get brave enough to tell you that I know, and that I'm sorry.
You told me when you first met that you weren't looking for a relationship. And then later, as things got a little more intense, you got into more detail. You told me that you're not looking for one more time of falling in love, fucking around, and then losing out. You told me that you're at a point in your life where you're kind of playing for keeps. Like you're thinking, the next time you fall in love, it's going to be for good. That's going to be the person, probably the person you marry. The one you want to be with, not just kill time with for a while.
And I guess I heard those words, but I must have thought I knew what you needed better than you did. Not intentionally, not consciously. But I must have thought that. I must have thought... maybe that's not true. Maybe I really am right for you. Maybe you just haven't been treated right by all the people you've been with. The things you've told me, the experiences, the stories... it sounds like you haven't really been treated right by the right person. And I guess I just thought... maybe you're tired of fucking around because fucking around is all it's really been, no matter how much you may have wanted more than that. That's all anyone really gave you back. And I guess I just thought... I could be different. I could be the one who shows you different. I could be the one that shows you that there's a whole nother place, where you're safe, and everything is peaceful, and light, and happy, and beautiful. And even if I couldn't keep you, I just wanted to go there with you. Because I think you're capable of going there, and maybe the people you've really tried to give your heart to, haven't been capable of it, at least at that point in time. I really thought I could be that person. I really believed that so strongly. And because of that.... I guess that in itself is thinking that I knew better than you. Thinking that you just didn't know what you needed because you didn't know what you were missing. But that's not right. That's not fair. How could I know what you want and what you need and what's best for you better than you do... that wasn't fair of me. I should have just listened to you. Because really... if that was my subconscious analysis... it might have even been right. But it doesn't matter. Because your life and your decisions are up to you, and nobody else. And I should have listened, and heard, and respected that.
And then suddenly I loved you. I honestly never knew that would happen. I never expected it. Remember when we first met? I told you I was meeting up with tons of different dudes for beer or coffee or whatever, and you wanted me to add you to that list of guys I was meeting up with. That was true. I was doing that. But I didn't tell you why. The reason was because my heart was broken, and I was just trying to distract myself by keeping as busy with a million random guys as possible, hoping that if I hung out with random people enough, I'd stop thinking about the one guy I really wanted to be hanging out with. That was the only reason. That's why I met up with you. That's why I met up with all of them. You were just supposed to be a temporary distraction. That's all you were gonna be. That's all I thought of you as. I wasn't supposed to care about you. I was just supposed to use you to forget and then I was going to just go away. And that was it. That was all. I never expected, never thought, never in a million years imagined that I would start valuing you for who you are, and not just as a tool to numb the hurt I was feeling. That's all any of them were supposed to be, including you. And something just happened. I started having real feelings for you. I started caring about how your day was going, and how you felt about things, and what made you sad, and what made you happy, and what you lived for. You started to matter. And all of a sudden, it was out of my control. All of a sudden you were this person I could say anything to. Be as goofy as I wanted with, and it didn't matter, because it was okay. Because we were comfortable. You suddenly were this safe place where I wasn't expecting anything at all. I didn't expect that could even happen. I wasn't looking for it. You said you thought I was looking for something, for love, for anything. But really, it was the exact opposite of that. I honestly intentionally thought that I would never have anything meaningful with any of these people. Including you. And it just fucking happened and then I was thrown into total complete and utter chaos because of it. I was shellshocked, I was confused, even a little angry maybe. Because... there I went again. None of the other ones meant anything, none of the other ones mattered. For some reason, you were different. You fucking mattered.
And I just... I couldn't believe it. I hadn't wanted that. I really hadn't wanted that. I actively did not want that. But it fucking happened and it was basically a fucking miracle. And I just... I guess I felt like it was a miracle and I shouldn't let it go. I shouldn't just fuck it off and pretend I didn't know what I felt and pretend I didn't care and blow you off and disregard those feelings. Because I respect those feelings so much. I just wanted to show them the care I thought they deserved. But really I guess I was only thinking of myself. I was so scared Ben. I was so scared. All of a sudden I had all these feelings snowballing out of my control, and I thought I had just shut down. I thought nothing could touch me. And then you just reached past all of those fucking things and you touched me, wherever I was hiding. And you weren't even trying. You did that without even trying. I was so fucking scared. I was so fucking confused. But more terrifying even than that was the thought that I could lose you. That all of those things that I thought were just going to be dead to me for a while, hit me like that so hard, and that they could just as suddenly be gone. Poof. I was so fucking scared. I never wanted that. I never wanted that fucking terror. But it happened. I didn't know what to do. I tried so hard to tell myself I didn't really feel that way. I tried so hard to stop, to make it go away. But it just didn't work.
But... next time you give your heart away, you're trying to play for keeps. And we both know that's not what I need right now. You can't love me back. Because you know how that's going to end and you don't want to do that again. You just know that's bad for you to do that again. And I get that now. It really is that simple. It's not that I didn't show you I cared enough, or that I was different. It's that it plain and simple is not what you need. And I was selfish for trying to change your mind. So I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. If I really loved you at any time, now, then, whatever, I don't even know how I feel about you right now because I'm lying so hard to myself I don't even know what I'm lying about. However I felt, or .. feel.. or whatever, I support you. I want you to be happy. It's going to have to be without me because that's what you need. I get that now. If I ever fucking said that I loved you, I better have fucking meant it enough to know that the important thing is that you get what you need and what you're happy. So go. Be happy. Go find somebody that is right for you, that's where you're at, that has what you need, that is what you need. I understand now that it's not me. No matter how much you make me feel at peace. It feels like the world is just a non stop scream. It's so loud. It's always screaming and this noise goes on and on and my mind goes on and on and whirls and it's so loud it's deafening all the time. It never fucking stops. And you're just this... silence. Even when you're loud. Even when you're annoying and doing arnold schwartznegger impressions and poking me and fucking with me. You're like this silence in the middle of all this noise. You're this place where I feel peaceful. Where I feel like shit is going to be okay. That is something that you don't find all the time... so when you do, you have to honor it. The best way to honor it is to respect it, and to do the best you can, to build it up. To act in its best interests. Your best interests. Which is not to make you fall in love with me back. It's to help you find what you need. And the best way I can do that is to just tell you... go. Be free. Be happy. Find the person you need. Who is right for you. And accept, finally just accept that that's not me. Go. Find that person. I'll always be just around the corner for you. Always. Because you were silence in a mad world. Because of that, I will always be just around the corner if you need me. But I want you to go now. I want you to find what, and who, you need. If it can't be me, find the one that's the very best, and be the best you, and be the happiest ever. Fall in love, have an amazing life, take chances, regret nothing, be wild, be free, be contained, be crazy and be reserved and smile and laugh and love. Please, if you can't do that with me, okay. But please do that with somebody. I am so sorry that I've tried to hold you back. It was selfish. I just... It's just so hard to come to terms with that when you just want somebody so badly. It was selfish and I was wrong. I won't try to hold you back anymore. I want you to go and find your happiness. And if you ever need me, you have my number. If you ever need me, I am right here. I'm always in your corner. You said to me once... I'm not going anywhere unless you throw me out of your life. I don't know how much you meant that but, I mean it. I just... I see that it was selfish of me now. I get it now. I just want you to be happy. Please go find your happiness, and don't look back. Love always Ben.
You told me when you first met that you weren't looking for a relationship. And then later, as things got a little more intense, you got into more detail. You told me that you're not looking for one more time of falling in love, fucking around, and then losing out. You told me that you're at a point in your life where you're kind of playing for keeps. Like you're thinking, the next time you fall in love, it's going to be for good. That's going to be the person, probably the person you marry. The one you want to be with, not just kill time with for a while.
And I guess I heard those words, but I must have thought I knew what you needed better than you did. Not intentionally, not consciously. But I must have thought that. I must have thought... maybe that's not true. Maybe I really am right for you. Maybe you just haven't been treated right by all the people you've been with. The things you've told me, the experiences, the stories... it sounds like you haven't really been treated right by the right person. And I guess I just thought... maybe you're tired of fucking around because fucking around is all it's really been, no matter how much you may have wanted more than that. That's all anyone really gave you back. And I guess I just thought... I could be different. I could be the one who shows you different. I could be the one that shows you that there's a whole nother place, where you're safe, and everything is peaceful, and light, and happy, and beautiful. And even if I couldn't keep you, I just wanted to go there with you. Because I think you're capable of going there, and maybe the people you've really tried to give your heart to, haven't been capable of it, at least at that point in time. I really thought I could be that person. I really believed that so strongly. And because of that.... I guess that in itself is thinking that I knew better than you. Thinking that you just didn't know what you needed because you didn't know what you were missing. But that's not right. That's not fair. How could I know what you want and what you need and what's best for you better than you do... that wasn't fair of me. I should have just listened to you. Because really... if that was my subconscious analysis... it might have even been right. But it doesn't matter. Because your life and your decisions are up to you, and nobody else. And I should have listened, and heard, and respected that.
And then suddenly I loved you. I honestly never knew that would happen. I never expected it. Remember when we first met? I told you I was meeting up with tons of different dudes for beer or coffee or whatever, and you wanted me to add you to that list of guys I was meeting up with. That was true. I was doing that. But I didn't tell you why. The reason was because my heart was broken, and I was just trying to distract myself by keeping as busy with a million random guys as possible, hoping that if I hung out with random people enough, I'd stop thinking about the one guy I really wanted to be hanging out with. That was the only reason. That's why I met up with you. That's why I met up with all of them. You were just supposed to be a temporary distraction. That's all you were gonna be. That's all I thought of you as. I wasn't supposed to care about you. I was just supposed to use you to forget and then I was going to just go away. And that was it. That was all. I never expected, never thought, never in a million years imagined that I would start valuing you for who you are, and not just as a tool to numb the hurt I was feeling. That's all any of them were supposed to be, including you. And something just happened. I started having real feelings for you. I started caring about how your day was going, and how you felt about things, and what made you sad, and what made you happy, and what you lived for. You started to matter. And all of a sudden, it was out of my control. All of a sudden you were this person I could say anything to. Be as goofy as I wanted with, and it didn't matter, because it was okay. Because we were comfortable. You suddenly were this safe place where I wasn't expecting anything at all. I didn't expect that could even happen. I wasn't looking for it. You said you thought I was looking for something, for love, for anything. But really, it was the exact opposite of that. I honestly intentionally thought that I would never have anything meaningful with any of these people. Including you. And it just fucking happened and then I was thrown into total complete and utter chaos because of it. I was shellshocked, I was confused, even a little angry maybe. Because... there I went again. None of the other ones meant anything, none of the other ones mattered. For some reason, you were different. You fucking mattered.
And I just... I couldn't believe it. I hadn't wanted that. I really hadn't wanted that. I actively did not want that. But it fucking happened and it was basically a fucking miracle. And I just... I guess I felt like it was a miracle and I shouldn't let it go. I shouldn't just fuck it off and pretend I didn't know what I felt and pretend I didn't care and blow you off and disregard those feelings. Because I respect those feelings so much. I just wanted to show them the care I thought they deserved. But really I guess I was only thinking of myself. I was so scared Ben. I was so scared. All of a sudden I had all these feelings snowballing out of my control, and I thought I had just shut down. I thought nothing could touch me. And then you just reached past all of those fucking things and you touched me, wherever I was hiding. And you weren't even trying. You did that without even trying. I was so fucking scared. I was so fucking confused. But more terrifying even than that was the thought that I could lose you. That all of those things that I thought were just going to be dead to me for a while, hit me like that so hard, and that they could just as suddenly be gone. Poof. I was so fucking scared. I never wanted that. I never wanted that fucking terror. But it happened. I didn't know what to do. I tried so hard to tell myself I didn't really feel that way. I tried so hard to stop, to make it go away. But it just didn't work.
But... next time you give your heart away, you're trying to play for keeps. And we both know that's not what I need right now. You can't love me back. Because you know how that's going to end and you don't want to do that again. You just know that's bad for you to do that again. And I get that now. It really is that simple. It's not that I didn't show you I cared enough, or that I was different. It's that it plain and simple is not what you need. And I was selfish for trying to change your mind. So I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. If I really loved you at any time, now, then, whatever, I don't even know how I feel about you right now because I'm lying so hard to myself I don't even know what I'm lying about. However I felt, or .. feel.. or whatever, I support you. I want you to be happy. It's going to have to be without me because that's what you need. I get that now. If I ever fucking said that I loved you, I better have fucking meant it enough to know that the important thing is that you get what you need and what you're happy. So go. Be happy. Go find somebody that is right for you, that's where you're at, that has what you need, that is what you need. I understand now that it's not me. No matter how much you make me feel at peace. It feels like the world is just a non stop scream. It's so loud. It's always screaming and this noise goes on and on and my mind goes on and on and whirls and it's so loud it's deafening all the time. It never fucking stops. And you're just this... silence. Even when you're loud. Even when you're annoying and doing arnold schwartznegger impressions and poking me and fucking with me. You're like this silence in the middle of all this noise. You're this place where I feel peaceful. Where I feel like shit is going to be okay. That is something that you don't find all the time... so when you do, you have to honor it. The best way to honor it is to respect it, and to do the best you can, to build it up. To act in its best interests. Your best interests. Which is not to make you fall in love with me back. It's to help you find what you need. And the best way I can do that is to just tell you... go. Be free. Be happy. Find the person you need. Who is right for you. And accept, finally just accept that that's not me. Go. Find that person. I'll always be just around the corner for you. Always. Because you were silence in a mad world. Because of that, I will always be just around the corner if you need me. But I want you to go now. I want you to find what, and who, you need. If it can't be me, find the one that's the very best, and be the best you, and be the happiest ever. Fall in love, have an amazing life, take chances, regret nothing, be wild, be free, be contained, be crazy and be reserved and smile and laugh and love. Please, if you can't do that with me, okay. But please do that with somebody. I am so sorry that I've tried to hold you back. It was selfish. I just... It's just so hard to come to terms with that when you just want somebody so badly. It was selfish and I was wrong. I won't try to hold you back anymore. I want you to go and find your happiness. And if you ever need me, you have my number. If you ever need me, I am right here. I'm always in your corner. You said to me once... I'm not going anywhere unless you throw me out of your life. I don't know how much you meant that but, I mean it. I just... I see that it was selfish of me now. I get it now. I just want you to be happy. Please go find your happiness, and don't look back. Love always Ben.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Post-Apocalyptica
You want to know what I think? I think you love me. I think you've loved me this whole time.
You think you're totally in control of your emotions. As if, if you thought something wasn't for the best, or wouldn't work out, you could just tell yourself not to feel that way about that person, and you just immediately wouldn't. You never wanted to love me. You always knew it was a bad idea. You tried so hard to stop yourself from loving me. You told my best friend barely a month after we met that you were 'trying really hard not to fall in love with me.'
And you have. You've been trying so hard this entire time. And that, stranger, is why it is different this time. It's different because usually you wouldn't have to keep trying so hard. You would tell yourself, 'don't feel that way,' and then you just wouldn't. And then you could just walk right out of my life and move on with your own, and be perfectly safe and fine.
But every time you try to do that, every time you tell yourself yet again that I'm nothing to you, and force me out of your life, and try to walk away, you stumble. You stumble and you can't leave me behind. Not because you're still trying not to love me, but because you already do.
You have all along. That's why you can't walk away, no matter how much you tell yourself, and me, that I'm nothing to you. That you don't care. You've just gotten meaner as time has gone on because deep down somewhere even you can't reach, you know. But acting like it means nothing to you isn't going to change the truth. You're going to have to face it someday.
You think you're totally in control of your emotions. As if, if you thought something wasn't for the best, or wouldn't work out, you could just tell yourself not to feel that way about that person, and you just immediately wouldn't. You never wanted to love me. You always knew it was a bad idea. You tried so hard to stop yourself from loving me. You told my best friend barely a month after we met that you were 'trying really hard not to fall in love with me.'
And you have. You've been trying so hard this entire time. And that, stranger, is why it is different this time. It's different because usually you wouldn't have to keep trying so hard. You would tell yourself, 'don't feel that way,' and then you just wouldn't. And then you could just walk right out of my life and move on with your own, and be perfectly safe and fine.
But every time you try to do that, every time you tell yourself yet again that I'm nothing to you, and force me out of your life, and try to walk away, you stumble. You stumble and you can't leave me behind. Not because you're still trying not to love me, but because you already do.
You have all along. That's why you can't walk away, no matter how much you tell yourself, and me, that I'm nothing to you. That you don't care. You've just gotten meaner as time has gone on because deep down somewhere even you can't reach, you know. But acting like it means nothing to you isn't going to change the truth. You're going to have to face it someday.
Despitation
"See, the thing is, there's just so many problems. He doesn't know what he wants and he just keeps yanking me back and forth. He's moody, and he's grumpy and he's bitchy, and he tells me he has 'strong feelings' for me, but then when I start to feel the same he doesn't anymore. And he tells me that he's not my friend and that it's just sex, but when I start to treat it that way, he 'calls me out' because 'that's what he does with his friends,' and gets upset that I don't come to his house early enough to 'actually hang out.' He thinks he's so adult-like but can't handle things not always going exactly his way, and he thinks he's a great communicator but he's worse at explaining himself and how he feels than just about anyone I've ever met. He either doesn't know how he feels, or he can't admit it to himself, and I hate it. I am so sick of it all."
"Then... why do you keep coming back?"
"I... I guess it's because... in spite of all that, when I'm with him... I'm happy."
"Then... why do you keep coming back?"
"I... I guess it's because... in spite of all that, when I'm with him... I'm happy."
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
The Rock and the River
They tell you: Do not be hard. Do not be immovable, like the rock that sits in the river, cutting the current. Be the water. Flow around obstacles. Be motion. Be change.
But what they don't know is that the river loves the rock.
Because the rock makes the river dance.
But what they don't know is that the river loves the rock.
Because the rock makes the river dance.
Don't love me
Okay. Just don't have feelings for me. Because I'm not going to allow myself to have feelings for you, anymore. If you don't want to get hurt, don't love me.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
I had no idea
I didn't think I could possibly dislike you any more than I did. I was wrong.
I didn't think you could say anything more to hurt me. I was wrong.
It's just really hard to accept that you actually are a piece of shit.
I keep thinking maybe there's a reason, some explanation. There's not
This is who you are. I need to just stop answering.
I need to stop worrying about you.
I wish I could say I hate you but I obviously don't or I wouldn't worry.
Fuck. Just leave me alone.
I didn't think you could say anything more to hurt me. I was wrong.
It's just really hard to accept that you actually are a piece of shit.
I keep thinking maybe there's a reason, some explanation. There's not
This is who you are. I need to just stop answering.
I need to stop worrying about you.
I wish I could say I hate you but I obviously don't or I wouldn't worry.
Fuck. Just leave me alone.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
Fuck You.
Come on, man. Get your shit together. You said the most awful things to me. Truly fucking awful. You told me I was garbage. After that I ended up crashing with people you don't like, and I could have been cuddling with someone and instead I sat on the floor all night instead of a comfortable bed because at the time I'd rather have been on the floor than be next to anybody but you. And the next morning you threw your fit and said to come over if I wanted any sort of closure, and you just jumped down my fucking throat about sleeping over there, and I told you all of that. That I'd sat on the damn floor, up all night, because I didn't want to be next to anyone but you. And you said to me "makes sense because trash belongs on the floor." And that was just the tip of the iceberg of the things you said to me. Noone has ever talked to me like that.
You say all that shit, you do all that shit, you still have the nerve to think I'm going to want to sleep with you after that, which just completely blows my mind, as if I'd ever allow someone who had spoken to me that way to even breathe in the same vicinity as me ever again. You say something like that to me, we are done. We are nothing. It is OVER.
And then you admit over Facebook that you shouldn't have called me garbage but that I wouldn't go away and you just wanted me to leave and leave you alone and go away and that I wouldn't just leave, and you'd tried to get me to leave and I wouldn't and that was why you were so mean, to get me to just go away. Because if I didn't want to have sex with you, that's "all you had left with me" and if I wouldn't fuck you "there was no reason for us to keep talking"
And then later I tell you to leave my stuff on the porch so I can go get it, and you fucking text me while I'm in the driveway "come watch dexter"?!!! What the fuck is wrong with you! What is your fucking problem? So I just texted you nothing but "go fuck yourself" and that is the last thing I said to you. You are so fucking insane. You are literally crazy as fuck.
And then you just texted me back a fucking frowny face. Really? A frowny face? What are you 5? What is your fucking deal?
And then! 4 fucking days later you text me "what are you doing" and you fucking stalk my okcupid profile and write me "hi" on okcupid. What is wrong with you! You literally spent days telling me I was trash who belonged on the floor and I was garbage and I was a worthless human being and then you went from that to saying you wanted to fuck me still but that if I wouldn't fuck you you were just gonna fuck someone else and 'wouldn't that bother me?' . I mean you literally did everything you could to get me to go away. And now that I go away you're fucking texting me and writing me messages online and stalking my okcupid. Yes I know you are stalking my okcupid. I can see who visits the profile and when. You literally are on there every hour and a half all night long except for from about 5 am until 8am which means you're not sleeping. I don't know what your fucking problem is. You fucking ripped me apart, you ripped me to fucking pieces, all in the name of wanting me to go away according to you, and as soon as I go you start fucking online stalking me and writing me all these messages and being a weird pathetic fuck. What the hell is wrong with you.
This is what happens every damn time. You get bored of me, you blame me for every damn thing you don't like about your life, and you push me away, and then you finally get me to leave. Tell me all you want is for me to fuck off and go away for good. And then as soon as I do, you realize oh hey, molly's gone but my life still sucks, maybe all the shitty things in my life weren't happening BECAUSE OF MOLLY, oh shit maybe she actually was one of the only fucking things that were making me HAPPY and now she's GONE oh shit I had better go be pathetic and try to get her back! And me like a fucking idiot kept coming back. And then you'd go right back to getting bored with me and blaming me for everything. Well guess what! I'm not the problem with your life! I'm not the reason you're bored or unhappy or depressed. YOU are the reason. And I'm not your fucking little emotional toy to keep yanking around back and forth. You can go fuck yourself, play your stupid head games somewhere else, play them by yourself, find a new fucking guinea pig, whatever it is I don't care. Just leave me the fuck out of it. You can't go and call someone who has literally spent 10 months doing everything they possibly can to show you they care about you and are thinking of you and want to be good to you, call that person trash for no good fucking reason, break their heart, drive them out of their life, tell them you did it because you just wanted them to go away forever and they wouldn't do it otherwise, and then as soon as they're gone start obsessing over them and expect them to have the slightest interest in writing you back. I would rather write back a cockroach. I would literally rather shove a cockroach up my vagina than have sex with you. Than be touched by you. Than have you even look at me. Go away forever you slimy piece of shit and I hope you rot.
You say all that shit, you do all that shit, you still have the nerve to think I'm going to want to sleep with you after that, which just completely blows my mind, as if I'd ever allow someone who had spoken to me that way to even breathe in the same vicinity as me ever again. You say something like that to me, we are done. We are nothing. It is OVER.
And then you admit over Facebook that you shouldn't have called me garbage but that I wouldn't go away and you just wanted me to leave and leave you alone and go away and that I wouldn't just leave, and you'd tried to get me to leave and I wouldn't and that was why you were so mean, to get me to just go away. Because if I didn't want to have sex with you, that's "all you had left with me" and if I wouldn't fuck you "there was no reason for us to keep talking"
And then later I tell you to leave my stuff on the porch so I can go get it, and you fucking text me while I'm in the driveway "come watch dexter"?!!! What the fuck is wrong with you! What is your fucking problem? So I just texted you nothing but "go fuck yourself" and that is the last thing I said to you. You are so fucking insane. You are literally crazy as fuck.
And then you just texted me back a fucking frowny face. Really? A frowny face? What are you 5? What is your fucking deal?
And then! 4 fucking days later you text me "what are you doing" and you fucking stalk my okcupid profile and write me "hi" on okcupid. What is wrong with you! You literally spent days telling me I was trash who belonged on the floor and I was garbage and I was a worthless human being and then you went from that to saying you wanted to fuck me still but that if I wouldn't fuck you you were just gonna fuck someone else and 'wouldn't that bother me?' . I mean you literally did everything you could to get me to go away. And now that I go away you're fucking texting me and writing me messages online and stalking my okcupid. Yes I know you are stalking my okcupid. I can see who visits the profile and when. You literally are on there every hour and a half all night long except for from about 5 am until 8am which means you're not sleeping. I don't know what your fucking problem is. You fucking ripped me apart, you ripped me to fucking pieces, all in the name of wanting me to go away according to you, and as soon as I go you start fucking online stalking me and writing me all these messages and being a weird pathetic fuck. What the hell is wrong with you.
This is what happens every damn time. You get bored of me, you blame me for every damn thing you don't like about your life, and you push me away, and then you finally get me to leave. Tell me all you want is for me to fuck off and go away for good. And then as soon as I do, you realize oh hey, molly's gone but my life still sucks, maybe all the shitty things in my life weren't happening BECAUSE OF MOLLY, oh shit maybe she actually was one of the only fucking things that were making me HAPPY and now she's GONE oh shit I had better go be pathetic and try to get her back! And me like a fucking idiot kept coming back. And then you'd go right back to getting bored with me and blaming me for everything. Well guess what! I'm not the problem with your life! I'm not the reason you're bored or unhappy or depressed. YOU are the reason. And I'm not your fucking little emotional toy to keep yanking around back and forth. You can go fuck yourself, play your stupid head games somewhere else, play them by yourself, find a new fucking guinea pig, whatever it is I don't care. Just leave me the fuck out of it. You can't go and call someone who has literally spent 10 months doing everything they possibly can to show you they care about you and are thinking of you and want to be good to you, call that person trash for no good fucking reason, break their heart, drive them out of their life, tell them you did it because you just wanted them to go away forever and they wouldn't do it otherwise, and then as soon as they're gone start obsessing over them and expect them to have the slightest interest in writing you back. I would rather write back a cockroach. I would literally rather shove a cockroach up my vagina than have sex with you. Than be touched by you. Than have you even look at me. Go away forever you slimy piece of shit and I hope you rot.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
blues
I keep thinking about your eyes. I remember them so clearly its like im right in front of you when I close my eyes. You have the most beautiful eyes. Eyes reflect whats inside. They reflect the soul. The feeling in your eyes is hesitant and shy . It tries to hide. But it is so beautiful.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
On faith
I think... I can't say that I know how to explain it. But I think, I have an idea why you did what you did. I don't know if even you know why. But I think I have an idea.
It seemed like it fueled your fire every time I told you I believed in you. Every time I treated you like you were a really good person. Every time I really cared about you. Especially when I told you I had faith in you. It would make you distant, or really angry.
I wondered why. It didn't make any sense to me.
Sometimes when you tell someone you believe in them, it will make them very angry.
The reason it makes them very angry is because it hurts them to hear those words.
Sometimes, someone feels like... almost like the good in them is gone. Almost like they're a shadow of the person that they used to be. And their hope is gone. They've accepted their life as it is now, as empty as it feels. They've been hurt so badly and so much in the past that they feel like the good in them is just gone. Like the light's gone out. And so many times they've hoped that they could get it back. That they could be happy again. And their hopes were dashed. And now, they cannot take having their hopes dashed one more time. Not even one more time. So they just... give up. They just stop hoping entirely. They refuse to. They cannot bear any more disappointment.
So.. sometimes when you tell them you see the light, and you see the good and the beauty, and that you believe in it... they don't think it's possible for them to be that person again. They think it's too late. And it hurts them so bad to think that but they don't dare hope, ever again, not for anybody. But still, your words hurt because it reminds them of the person they used to be, that they think they can never be again. A happier person, a lighter person. A good person. Someone with a burning heart. And because it hurts them so badly, they want it to stop, and it makes them angry. And they lash out. It's not enough to make you stop saying those words. They need to make you stop believing those words, because your hope and your faith just reminds them that there's nothing to hope for.
So they do everything they can to destroy your faith in their goodness. They do everything they can to make you believe, to force you to believe, that they're not a good person. That there is no light left. Because if there was, there would be hope, and to them, hope just leads to crushing sadness and disappointment. Hope brings them a little closer to the edge of the pit, because it always comes to nothing to them. And they can't stand the thought of hope ever hurting them again. They need to make you hate them, to make the pain stop. To make the memories stop. To stop reminding them that there was a different time. That it wasn't always like this. If it was always like this, they could imagine there was nothing better. Nothing they were missing, that they would never be able to have.
They just want to pretend, because they know somewhere, deep inside themselves, past all the cold places, that if they were to open their eyes to their own sadness, it might be more than they could take. It might break them. They don't want to be reminded. And so they break you. To save their life. Anything to make you believe that you are wrong. That the good you see, is a lie. That you see nothing, you see smoke.
They will hurt you. They will hurt you so badly, sometimes. You will want to hate them. That's what they want, anyway. They want you to be wrong. But... I don't think you are. I think you are standing there, looking at a person, a shadow, with a very, very hurt heart. Hiding the last shreds of it away so it doesn't go away altogether. I think that person needs love. They may not be ready to hear that, but you are not wrong. Don't forget. It is never wrong to tell someone, "I believe in you. I see the good in you shining still, this very moment, and I have faith in you." That is never, ever the wrong thing to do. Sometimes people aren't ready to hear that. But it is never wrong, to believe.
It seemed like it fueled your fire every time I told you I believed in you. Every time I treated you like you were a really good person. Every time I really cared about you. Especially when I told you I had faith in you. It would make you distant, or really angry.
I wondered why. It didn't make any sense to me.
Sometimes when you tell someone you believe in them, it will make them very angry.
The reason it makes them very angry is because it hurts them to hear those words.
Sometimes, someone feels like... almost like the good in them is gone. Almost like they're a shadow of the person that they used to be. And their hope is gone. They've accepted their life as it is now, as empty as it feels. They've been hurt so badly and so much in the past that they feel like the good in them is just gone. Like the light's gone out. And so many times they've hoped that they could get it back. That they could be happy again. And their hopes were dashed. And now, they cannot take having their hopes dashed one more time. Not even one more time. So they just... give up. They just stop hoping entirely. They refuse to. They cannot bear any more disappointment.
So.. sometimes when you tell them you see the light, and you see the good and the beauty, and that you believe in it... they don't think it's possible for them to be that person again. They think it's too late. And it hurts them so bad to think that but they don't dare hope, ever again, not for anybody. But still, your words hurt because it reminds them of the person they used to be, that they think they can never be again. A happier person, a lighter person. A good person. Someone with a burning heart. And because it hurts them so badly, they want it to stop, and it makes them angry. And they lash out. It's not enough to make you stop saying those words. They need to make you stop believing those words, because your hope and your faith just reminds them that there's nothing to hope for.
So they do everything they can to destroy your faith in their goodness. They do everything they can to make you believe, to force you to believe, that they're not a good person. That there is no light left. Because if there was, there would be hope, and to them, hope just leads to crushing sadness and disappointment. Hope brings them a little closer to the edge of the pit, because it always comes to nothing to them. And they can't stand the thought of hope ever hurting them again. They need to make you hate them, to make the pain stop. To make the memories stop. To stop reminding them that there was a different time. That it wasn't always like this. If it was always like this, they could imagine there was nothing better. Nothing they were missing, that they would never be able to have.
They just want to pretend, because they know somewhere, deep inside themselves, past all the cold places, that if they were to open their eyes to their own sadness, it might be more than they could take. It might break them. They don't want to be reminded. And so they break you. To save their life. Anything to make you believe that you are wrong. That the good you see, is a lie. That you see nothing, you see smoke.
They will hurt you. They will hurt you so badly, sometimes. You will want to hate them. That's what they want, anyway. They want you to be wrong. But... I don't think you are. I think you are standing there, looking at a person, a shadow, with a very, very hurt heart. Hiding the last shreds of it away so it doesn't go away altogether. I think that person needs love. They may not be ready to hear that, but you are not wrong. Don't forget. It is never wrong to tell someone, "I believe in you. I see the good in you shining still, this very moment, and I have faith in you." That is never, ever the wrong thing to do. Sometimes people aren't ready to hear that. But it is never wrong, to believe.
Today's Applicability
I used to be overweight. Not completely, morbidly obese, but pretty darn overweight. From around the time I was 13 until now, at 22, with a couple exceptions when I lost weight, which I always gained back. I had horrible self esteem issues and I blamed all my problems on my weight. Somebody gave me a look at the library? They're thinking I'm fat. Somebody introduced me to their friend who didn't seem to like me very much right off the bat? It's because I'm fat. A guy I really like isn't into me back? It's because I'm fat. Everything related to human interaction, everything that went wrong, I blamed on my appearance. I was thinking 'woe is me,' but really what I was doing was just dumping all my faults and shortcomings into the one thing that I didn't expect to change, so that I wouldn't have to face my actual faults and shortcomings. I could just pass them off as something most likely completely unrelated to the reality of the situation, and avoid actually looking at myself. I always thought, if I was skinnier, that person would have liked me better. They'd have talked to me. If I was skinny, if I was beautiful, that guy would like me back. Those are the things I always thought, constantly, every minute of every day. If only I was skinny and beautiful my life would be perfect.
And now, I've grown up. I've lost a bunch of weight. A bunch. I'm in good shape. I look pretty good. I exercise, I eat pretty healthily, size 5 pants. I'm a good size now. Guys tell me I'm so sexy they can't believe it. They all love my ass. And he told me that he thought I was just. Beautiful. He thought I was just kind of amazingly beautiful. And yet... because of growing up thinking that way, when he doesn't want me, I still fall back into that pattern. Even though he thinks I'm beautiful, and I've lost all that weight, and I'm fit. He thinks I'm hot. And still, when he doesn't want me, I find myself thinking... if I was more beautiful, if I was more fit, he'd have liked me back. So I go to the gym like crazy, and I run myself raw, and I barely eat anything, and I do all this shit to get even hotter because I just have this stupid, stupid idea in my head from all this time that if a guy doesn't like me it's just because I'm fat and ugly, and I just have to get skinnier and prettier. And you know what? That's not the fucking problem this time, and getting skinnier or being prettier is not going to make him have feelings for me back. And I'm sickened that I'm even thinking along those lines because I know perfectly well that the chances of my ever even seeing him again in person are slim to none and that will only happen if by accident of us running into each other at High Rocks once it gets sunny or something like that, because honestly I don't want to ever fucking see him again but I'm not gonna stop going to High Rocks just because I'm afraid I'll run into him because it's my favorite spot and he can't have my damn favorite spot.
So I know that in all likelihood I'll never see him again. But I still find myself automatically doing this. Trying to eat less, exercise more, make myself look good. Because if I look better maybe he'll feel the same. Even though he won't even see me. Even though I don't even want him. He wants me. He's the one who said he just physically wants me right now. That won't stop him from being with someone else if he can't have me, but if I were an option I'd be the one he'd choose. But I'm not an option. So I need to stop thinking if I were skinnier, if I were prettier. Those are the kinds of things that make guys that don't care about you want to have sex with you. Well he's a guy who doesn't care about you, and he's already made it very very clear that he really really wants to have sex with you. So weight and prettiness obviously aren't the problem. The problem, the reason why you can't be with him, putting aside all the horrible shit that he's said and done to ruin any chance of that happening anyway, is that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore. No amount of skinny or pretty is going to change that. Stop tripping out and freaking out and just realize that. It's not your body he doesn't like it's your mind, or your personality, or your heart, or your soul, or something. It's who you are he doesn't like. And it's funny because fat girls always think skinny girls have it so easy, but the skinny pretty girls... they can't blame something like that on being fat. They can't blame it on how they look. When a guy doesn't want them, they know it's because he looked at who they are and he didn't give a fuck. And that's kind of worse, in a way.
And now, I've grown up. I've lost a bunch of weight. A bunch. I'm in good shape. I look pretty good. I exercise, I eat pretty healthily, size 5 pants. I'm a good size now. Guys tell me I'm so sexy they can't believe it. They all love my ass. And he told me that he thought I was just. Beautiful. He thought I was just kind of amazingly beautiful. And yet... because of growing up thinking that way, when he doesn't want me, I still fall back into that pattern. Even though he thinks I'm beautiful, and I've lost all that weight, and I'm fit. He thinks I'm hot. And still, when he doesn't want me, I find myself thinking... if I was more beautiful, if I was more fit, he'd have liked me back. So I go to the gym like crazy, and I run myself raw, and I barely eat anything, and I do all this shit to get even hotter because I just have this stupid, stupid idea in my head from all this time that if a guy doesn't like me it's just because I'm fat and ugly, and I just have to get skinnier and prettier. And you know what? That's not the fucking problem this time, and getting skinnier or being prettier is not going to make him have feelings for me back. And I'm sickened that I'm even thinking along those lines because I know perfectly well that the chances of my ever even seeing him again in person are slim to none and that will only happen if by accident of us running into each other at High Rocks once it gets sunny or something like that, because honestly I don't want to ever fucking see him again but I'm not gonna stop going to High Rocks just because I'm afraid I'll run into him because it's my favorite spot and he can't have my damn favorite spot.
So I know that in all likelihood I'll never see him again. But I still find myself automatically doing this. Trying to eat less, exercise more, make myself look good. Because if I look better maybe he'll feel the same. Even though he won't even see me. Even though I don't even want him. He wants me. He's the one who said he just physically wants me right now. That won't stop him from being with someone else if he can't have me, but if I were an option I'd be the one he'd choose. But I'm not an option. So I need to stop thinking if I were skinnier, if I were prettier. Those are the kinds of things that make guys that don't care about you want to have sex with you. Well he's a guy who doesn't care about you, and he's already made it very very clear that he really really wants to have sex with you. So weight and prettiness obviously aren't the problem. The problem, the reason why you can't be with him, putting aside all the horrible shit that he's said and done to ruin any chance of that happening anyway, is that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore. No amount of skinny or pretty is going to change that. Stop tripping out and freaking out and just realize that. It's not your body he doesn't like it's your mind, or your personality, or your heart, or your soul, or something. It's who you are he doesn't like. And it's funny because fat girls always think skinny girls have it so easy, but the skinny pretty girls... they can't blame something like that on being fat. They can't blame it on how they look. When a guy doesn't want them, they know it's because he looked at who they are and he didn't give a fuck. And that's kind of worse, in a way.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Bonne Chance
I'm gonna be okay. Because, I had you confused with all the things I wanted you to be.
I had you confused with all the things you have the potential to be.
I had you confused with the possibilities.
I had you confused with someone who deep down, really did care a whole, awful lot.
And who knows. Maybe you do.
But you're a boy. You're a child. You don't know how to express yourself.
It comes out as anger. As rage. As malice. It comes out as barbs and daggers.
And as for me, I am going to go be happy. Good luck with that, kiddo.
You're going to need it.
I had you confused with all the things you have the potential to be.
I had you confused with the possibilities.
I had you confused with someone who deep down, really did care a whole, awful lot.
And who knows. Maybe you do.
But you're a boy. You're a child. You don't know how to express yourself.
It comes out as anger. As rage. As malice. It comes out as barbs and daggers.
And as for me, I am going to go be happy. Good luck with that, kiddo.
You're going to need it.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Without
Love is silly. It's all just totally silly. I'm so much happier without you. You hold me back. I'm so much happier when I can just blossom and meet people and not have to worry, worry about so many things. You make life way more complicated and difficult, and you hurt my feelings, and you stress me out. And it's silly. I'm so much happier without you.
But still, all I want is to lay with you, to kiss your lips, forehead to forehead and chest to chest, to feel your heart beating, to feel the way mine starts to beat to your rhythm, or yours to mine, or both at once. Who can say. To cup your face in my hands and feel the way you feel against me, part of me, to slide one hand to the back of your head and hold you gently, close to me. The other, to run my thumb as soft as a butterfly wing across your bottom lip. Wonder that it's there. Kiss it. Then kiss it again. Feel like I belong somewhere. Feel like that place that I belong is you. And I'm finally starting to realize that that was only ever me. You never felt that in return. And that's why it hurts so much, but that's why it's easier to let go.
I'm happier without you.
But still, all I want is to lay with you, to kiss your lips, forehead to forehead and chest to chest, to feel your heart beating, to feel the way mine starts to beat to your rhythm, or yours to mine, or both at once. Who can say. To cup your face in my hands and feel the way you feel against me, part of me, to slide one hand to the back of your head and hold you gently, close to me. The other, to run my thumb as soft as a butterfly wing across your bottom lip. Wonder that it's there. Kiss it. Then kiss it again. Feel like I belong somewhere. Feel like that place that I belong is you. And I'm finally starting to realize that that was only ever me. You never felt that in return. And that's why it hurts so much, but that's why it's easier to let go.
I'm happier without you.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Alone
I thought we could just be friends. I know it's going to take some time. If you had enough self control to act like just a friend I know I could do this, this only being your friend thing. Not to say it won't be hard... every time I've gone to hang out with you as just friends I've ended up crying the whole drive home and beyond. Not because you did anything to make me cry, just because of what I've lost.
I've been so tired, because I can't sleep. I cry myself to sleep every damn night, and it's worse when I'm alone instead of with Kerstin. I can't sleep. I lay down and I try, but my heart literally hurts so bad it feels like my ribcage is being crushed, and I can't sleep. And I think that it's too bad it's not a headache, so I can take midol, and it's too bad it's not a stomach ache, so I can take pepto, and it's too bad it's not cramps, so I can take ibuprofen. What can you do when you can't sleep because your broken heart hurts? Not really much of anything. Cry it out and wait until you're so physically and emotionally exhausted that your body can no longer support you being awake, and pray that you stay asleep for more than a few hours. And then do it all again.
Don't you see? I need this to get easier. I can't keep doing this. And when you say things like, 'we need to amend the rule that says you can't be in my bed anymore,' when you say it's because I just got back from zumba and my legs hurt and I need you to rub them for me, when you lay there looking so beautiful I can't stand it, looking like everything I ever wanted, asking me to lay down beside you... I want that so bad. But I can't. Because I NEED this to get easier. I can't just be your fuck buddy, or your cuddle buddy, or whatever else to stave off the general loneliness either of us might feel. Because you are so much more to me than that, and now... feeling your touch, your presence, knowing that you're not mine, knowing that I can't have you... I'd rather be alone. Because that would kill me, right now. The world would end and noone would survive, least of all me.
I told you I didn't think laying down was a good idea. You said 'no it's ok,' as if I was saying that because I thought it wasn't okay with you. I was saying that because I think it's not a good idea. I can't take it. I can't get crushed anymore. Yanked around and crushed. And I said to you, 'you said you wanted to break up because you're happier alone, and if that's true then I don't understand why you're asking me to sleep here.' and you rolled away from me and mumbled that I was right and that you were sorry, and I was so tired I was staggering. and you just still looked so beautiful. I've never felt that before. Wanting someone so much and having them offer me exactly the thing I wanted so badly, and turning it down. Not even forcing myself to turn it down. Doing so because I genuinely could do nothing else. And then I said I was going to go and you looked so dejected and alone and I feel horrible about that but I know that it's not because you miss me or care about me, it's because you don't like being alone. I know it doesn't matter if it's me. But then I looked down at you and the words literally ripped through me, it's a miracle they didn't come out of my mouth. I LOVE YOU. It was like a gust of wind, a powerhouse tornado made up of those words, literally just blew threw me and left complete wreckage in its wake. Left me feeling empty. It hit me so hard, those words hit me so hard. More than they've ever done before. My soul screamed them so loud I felt them traveling through my body. And all I did was bend down, kiss your hair hard, and whisper, more to myself than to you, FUCK, I miss you. I didn't even mean to say it, it just came out. Better that than that I love you. I know you'd probably never want to be my friend if you knew I'd meant it. If you even believed me this time, which you probably wouldn't. Cried the whole way home. Cried cried cried. Cried myself to sleep. Woke up 2.5 hours later to try to get it off my chest. Here I am. I fucking hate this. I feel so alone.
I've been so tired, because I can't sleep. I cry myself to sleep every damn night, and it's worse when I'm alone instead of with Kerstin. I can't sleep. I lay down and I try, but my heart literally hurts so bad it feels like my ribcage is being crushed, and I can't sleep. And I think that it's too bad it's not a headache, so I can take midol, and it's too bad it's not a stomach ache, so I can take pepto, and it's too bad it's not cramps, so I can take ibuprofen. What can you do when you can't sleep because your broken heart hurts? Not really much of anything. Cry it out and wait until you're so physically and emotionally exhausted that your body can no longer support you being awake, and pray that you stay asleep for more than a few hours. And then do it all again.
Don't you see? I need this to get easier. I can't keep doing this. And when you say things like, 'we need to amend the rule that says you can't be in my bed anymore,' when you say it's because I just got back from zumba and my legs hurt and I need you to rub them for me, when you lay there looking so beautiful I can't stand it, looking like everything I ever wanted, asking me to lay down beside you... I want that so bad. But I can't. Because I NEED this to get easier. I can't just be your fuck buddy, or your cuddle buddy, or whatever else to stave off the general loneliness either of us might feel. Because you are so much more to me than that, and now... feeling your touch, your presence, knowing that you're not mine, knowing that I can't have you... I'd rather be alone. Because that would kill me, right now. The world would end and noone would survive, least of all me.
I told you I didn't think laying down was a good idea. You said 'no it's ok,' as if I was saying that because I thought it wasn't okay with you. I was saying that because I think it's not a good idea. I can't take it. I can't get crushed anymore. Yanked around and crushed. And I said to you, 'you said you wanted to break up because you're happier alone, and if that's true then I don't understand why you're asking me to sleep here.' and you rolled away from me and mumbled that I was right and that you were sorry, and I was so tired I was staggering. and you just still looked so beautiful. I've never felt that before. Wanting someone so much and having them offer me exactly the thing I wanted so badly, and turning it down. Not even forcing myself to turn it down. Doing so because I genuinely could do nothing else. And then I said I was going to go and you looked so dejected and alone and I feel horrible about that but I know that it's not because you miss me or care about me, it's because you don't like being alone. I know it doesn't matter if it's me. But then I looked down at you and the words literally ripped through me, it's a miracle they didn't come out of my mouth. I LOVE YOU. It was like a gust of wind, a powerhouse tornado made up of those words, literally just blew threw me and left complete wreckage in its wake. Left me feeling empty. It hit me so hard, those words hit me so hard. More than they've ever done before. My soul screamed them so loud I felt them traveling through my body. And all I did was bend down, kiss your hair hard, and whisper, more to myself than to you, FUCK, I miss you. I didn't even mean to say it, it just came out. Better that than that I love you. I know you'd probably never want to be my friend if you knew I'd meant it. If you even believed me this time, which you probably wouldn't. Cried the whole way home. Cried cried cried. Cried myself to sleep. Woke up 2.5 hours later to try to get it off my chest. Here I am. I fucking hate this. I feel so alone.
Monday, January 6, 2014
I still.
This really fucking sucks. Just so you know. I mean, I tried so hard. I tried to tell you so many things and I tried to show you so many things, and now I'm the one who ends up getting screwed over, just because you didn't believe me. It's not my fault that you didn't believe me. I tried to tell you.
I told you I loved you. You didn't believe me. I told you that I honestly just wanted the truth, that I just wanted you to tell me what you wanted. That if you didn't want to be with me it was okay but that you needed to tell me that. I needed to know. You thought I was just saying that I wanted to know, but that I really didn't. Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
This is really starting to sink in now. Is that really what you want? Is that really all you are? I mean, you said I'm the best girlfriend you've ever had but that you're happier alone right now, but then you immediately put your okcupid profile back up, which means that you're just lying to me again. I don't know why I keep believing you. The thing is, this time I have no right to have a say in whether you're seeing anyone. We're just fucking friends now, and that's not my business anymore. But I mean, you lied to me as a boyfriend and now you're lying to me as a friend and I don't know why I keep bothering. I do want you in my life. You do matter to me a lot. But this isn't fucking fair. This is not fucking fair. I wish you'd just fucking let me leave before. Why couldn't you have just fucking let me leave. I would be okay right now if you had. I wouldn't be feeling like this. You didn't want me, didn't want me, didn't want me, over and over, and when I finally said okay I can't do this I'll just go, you begged me to come back, you physically made yourself sick because I said if there was an emergency and noone could come besides me you could still call me, just because I fucking love you whether you're shitty as fuck to me or not, and I wanted to know nothing would happen to you with noone to be there. So instead of realizing that that was a really hard thing for me to offer and the only reason I did is because I'm fucking in love with you and that you should take that seriously, you fucking create an emergency 2 or 3 days later, making yourself physically fucking sick, and then call me out on it and say it's an emergency and you can't even move your head and noone can come and guilting me into coming when you know I"m fucking broken and seeing you is the worst possible thing at that time, and you give me this shit about how I must never have cared at all and how you're so sick and the one person you want to see won't talk to you and blah blah blah, which was SUCH a fucking shitty thing to do to me. I told you you're the only one I wanted, I told you I'd pick you and only you in a second, I told you I fucking loved you. And you just didn't want to stop seeing other people, and when I finally was at the point where my heart was being ripped to shreds daily at the thought of you off with other girls, when I finally was at that point where you'd just broken my heart as much as I could take, I said I was gonna go because I was so fucked up. You had fucked me up so bad. And then after I finally got away, after I finally tried to take my heart back and heal it because you fucked it up so bad, you did that. You made me come back, calling in a promise that you knew I wouldn't break because I always keep my word to you. Always. And then you asked me to be your fucking girlfriend. And then you just started to slowly push me away and got more and more distant and cold towards me and I begged you to just tell me the truth and tell me if this wasn't what you wanted, and you didn't say a word, and then when you finally, FINALLY, tell me the truth, that this isn't waht you wanted, even though YOU are the one who made me come back and YOU are the one who asked me to be with you, you can't even have the nuts to admit you were wrong and made a mistake, and I gave you so many opportunities to tell the truth. And finally when the truth comes out all you have to say to me is that, you didn't know that I ACTUALLY wanted to hear the truth? I'm pretty sure that's all I was saying to you on the matter for 2 months. You used to complain that I never talked to you but why the fuck should I if you're not going to believe a god damn word I say anyway. All you do is fuck me up. You have fucked me up so bad. God fucking dammit. And you know what? I still love you.
I told you I loved you. You didn't believe me. I told you that I honestly just wanted the truth, that I just wanted you to tell me what you wanted. That if you didn't want to be with me it was okay but that you needed to tell me that. I needed to know. You thought I was just saying that I wanted to know, but that I really didn't. Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
This is really starting to sink in now. Is that really what you want? Is that really all you are? I mean, you said I'm the best girlfriend you've ever had but that you're happier alone right now, but then you immediately put your okcupid profile back up, which means that you're just lying to me again. I don't know why I keep believing you. The thing is, this time I have no right to have a say in whether you're seeing anyone. We're just fucking friends now, and that's not my business anymore. But I mean, you lied to me as a boyfriend and now you're lying to me as a friend and I don't know why I keep bothering. I do want you in my life. You do matter to me a lot. But this isn't fucking fair. This is not fucking fair. I wish you'd just fucking let me leave before. Why couldn't you have just fucking let me leave. I would be okay right now if you had. I wouldn't be feeling like this. You didn't want me, didn't want me, didn't want me, over and over, and when I finally said okay I can't do this I'll just go, you begged me to come back, you physically made yourself sick because I said if there was an emergency and noone could come besides me you could still call me, just because I fucking love you whether you're shitty as fuck to me or not, and I wanted to know nothing would happen to you with noone to be there. So instead of realizing that that was a really hard thing for me to offer and the only reason I did is because I'm fucking in love with you and that you should take that seriously, you fucking create an emergency 2 or 3 days later, making yourself physically fucking sick, and then call me out on it and say it's an emergency and you can't even move your head and noone can come and guilting me into coming when you know I"m fucking broken and seeing you is the worst possible thing at that time, and you give me this shit about how I must never have cared at all and how you're so sick and the one person you want to see won't talk to you and blah blah blah, which was SUCH a fucking shitty thing to do to me. I told you you're the only one I wanted, I told you I'd pick you and only you in a second, I told you I fucking loved you. And you just didn't want to stop seeing other people, and when I finally was at the point where my heart was being ripped to shreds daily at the thought of you off with other girls, when I finally was at that point where you'd just broken my heart as much as I could take, I said I was gonna go because I was so fucked up. You had fucked me up so bad. And then after I finally got away, after I finally tried to take my heart back and heal it because you fucked it up so bad, you did that. You made me come back, calling in a promise that you knew I wouldn't break because I always keep my word to you. Always. And then you asked me to be your fucking girlfriend. And then you just started to slowly push me away and got more and more distant and cold towards me and I begged you to just tell me the truth and tell me if this wasn't what you wanted, and you didn't say a word, and then when you finally, FINALLY, tell me the truth, that this isn't waht you wanted, even though YOU are the one who made me come back and YOU are the one who asked me to be with you, you can't even have the nuts to admit you were wrong and made a mistake, and I gave you so many opportunities to tell the truth. And finally when the truth comes out all you have to say to me is that, you didn't know that I ACTUALLY wanted to hear the truth? I'm pretty sure that's all I was saying to you on the matter for 2 months. You used to complain that I never talked to you but why the fuck should I if you're not going to believe a god damn word I say anyway. All you do is fuck me up. You have fucked me up so bad. God fucking dammit. And you know what? I still love you.
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