F.U.C.K.

You need to figure this out, and you need to have these conversations now before you sleep with anybody else.

Nobody else is going to pump the brakes in this situation because nobody else wants the brakes to get pumped. You can't just sit around dropping subtle hints and hoping people are going to pick up on them and then just going along with it when they don't.

Here's the ultimate test of how good you've gotten at communicating.

The thing is, he loves you, and he has loved you for years. Of course he's not going to pump the brakes. If you can't do this, and you know you can't, you need to tell him. He's not going to be able to just keep it chill and casual. He's going to get absolutely dizzy over you and you're going to feel trapped and freak out and it could literally ruin you guys' friendship. You need to stop sleeping with him. You need to backpedal somehow. You need to talk to him. I don't know how you're going to frame it exactly. Use your time on Wednesday with Ruth to talk about it, I really think she can help you figure out how to handle this.

Same with Ben. You need to majorly pump the brakes there. You can't be giving him the impression that you'll be over there hanging out and having sex. You won't be. You can't be doing that. You're just slipping right back into old habits if you do that. Because look at him, you hang out with him one time and suddenly he's asking you to come over all the time and texting you constantly throughout the day. You need to establish boundaries there and be really clear about where you're at and what he can and cannot expect from you. You genuinely want to be friends with him so you need to be clear and honest so that you're not being a shitty friend.

Fuck I wish this would all just go away and I didn't have to deal with it. Fucking Gabe. If he hadn't bailed none of this would have happened. I mean obviously it's not Gabe's fault, he didn't do this. I did. I just wouldn't have been in a position to do all this stupid shit and make all of these shitty judgement calls if he'd still been around.

It was kind of the opposite with him though, because in that situation he's the one who wanted to pump the brakes and I'm the one who didn't lol.

God why won't all of this just go away, I don't have the time or the energy to deal with any of it.

I'm so frustrated. You know who is like, literally the perfect guy for me. He's perfect. So why don't I feel that way. Why does the way I feel change all the time. I think part of it is that whenever I start to feel that way about him and venture into beyond-friendship mode, the strength of his feelings for me come out full force like a battering ram and scares me away and then I just want to be friends again. I know he doesn't do it on purpose but it's just too much. It's overwhelming and it makes me feel like I'm under a lot of pressure and my natural response to that is to just run and bail.

I know we've always said we can talk to each other about anything but I do not know how to approach this one. I have no fucking idea. All I know is that one way or another I need to try before it gets any worse.

That person in my head

I had this guy in my head, for years.
Years and years and years. Since Jesse. Maybe before.
I could see him. He was beautiful and he had brown hair and he played the guitar. Medium height, medium build.
His voice was really warm and clear and beautiful. His singing voice.
And I remember being with Jesse and thinking, well he sings and plays guitar so maybe that's it.
But it wasn't Jesse.
And it wasn't Brandon.
And it wasn't even Jacob.
I could see this boy so clearly.
I could feel his spirit.
And I think why I'm so upset about this whole thing is because, he's not Gabe either.
He doesn't look like Gabe.
But he sings like Gabe.
And he kind of feels like Gabe.
It's not Gabe.
But I think Gabe is just the closest I've ever come to that guy.
He's the most like that guy that any of them have been yet.
I think that's why I'm upset.
Is that weird?
He sings just like Gabe.

Wow

Well isn't this interesting. You just got played hook line and sinker for the first time in your life.

Note to self

Could you just like, not?

Lol

Just like, for once in your life could you not.

I'm so sick of feeling nauseous because I'm upset about a boy doing something shitty to me.

I'm so tired of that feeling.

I don't know if I need to just stop giving a fuck about any boy for a while or if I need to just learn to choose em better but whatever it is, I need a break.

I'm sick of feeling sick.

I'm sick of people not giving a fuck.

A lot of people in my life give a fuck. I just need to pick a dick that does next time, or at least one that makes it clear ahead of time that it doesn't. Or something. I don't know. Actually I don't want any dick that doesn't give a fuck. It doesn't have to be in love with me, or even have feelings for me, but it has to care about me as a person. No more dick that doesn't give a fuck.

Bullet

Okay, I definitely am picking up what you're throwing down. Don't worry. I'm gettin it.
You won't have to have any awkward conversations. I'm sure you were hoping for that.

I don't know if I really want to see you anymore.
When we first started hanging out you were acting boyfriendy and smitten as hell.
Then out of nowhere you just gave me that speech about wanting something casual and went silent on me after that. No communicado.

The thing is, I can do casual. I can do fwb. I can even do fuck buddy. But the problem I have with you is that I don't know you at all. I don't really know anything about who you are or what you're like. That takes a lot more time than there's been. And in order for me to have any kind of relationship with someone, even if it's a fuck buddy, there has to be some level of trust there. I have to trust that that person isn't going to fuck somebody else without protection and then do the same thing with me without getting tested first. I have to trust that someone isn't going to put me in a position where I feel uncomfortable. The list goes on, in that vein.

You can't really trust somebody that you don't know. But the only way that you can at least feel pretty comfortable about the situation, if you don't know that person, is if their behavior has been consistent. And you haven't been so good at that. You went from fourth to first gear in one second flat with no real explanation. You said what you wanted and changed gears, but you didn't say why your behavior had been one thing and was suddenly something completely different, and you didn't explain why you'd stopped talking to me. Nothing. I can't trust or feel comfortable with someone like that. I don't know your intentions and that behavior makes me think maybe you don't know either. I'm not comfortable with that.

So that's where I'm at. Right now you're looking a lot like a bullet I want to dodge.

Fuck

This is so stupid.
This was all your idea.
This was your fucking brainchild.
YOU asked ME out.
Good one.

I never would have even let it occur to me, that this was an option, if you hadn't started it.

I just needed a rebound. That's all. That's really simple. Some guy that I have a fun time with, and we get along good, and we make each other laugh, and they're a decent distraction for long enough that I can move on with my life.

You're not a fucking rebound.
You're the list I never made.
You're every fucking point that I never wrote down because it was unrealistic.
And I'm old enough now, and I've lived with myself long enough now, that I know myself.
And what I know is that I'm going to fall in love with you.
I won't be able to help it.
You're every point on the list I never dared to make.

I just needed a rebound. Why did you have to show up right now.

I need to not see you again. Maybe I'll just stop texting you and I'll get lucky and you'll stop texting me too. Maybe that's what it's like to be lucky. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I don't need this right now. I don't need someone like you right now. This is the last fucking thing that I need. Go away, go away until I've got the demons out of my system and until you manifest as someone who maybe wants to stay. I can't fucking deal with this right now. You're too perfect. Not as a person, not as a human, but you're too perfect for me and I don't need that right now. I need something that doesn't mean anything, and there is no fucking way in heaven or hell that I could ever have you around and have you not mean anything. I feel like I'm on crazy pills right now. How could I feel this strongly about, not how I feel, but how I know I will feel if I don't quit seeing someone. How could I already know that shit. But I do. I'm going to fucking fall in love with you if I keep seeing you. I don't know when. I don't know how long it'll take. But I know with absolutely no doubt that it will happen. And you've already made it clear that you don't want that.

The only option is not seeing you anymore.
Yeah, it's crazy that I feel this strongly about it so quickly.
But it's not because I'm going through a breakup.
It's not about that shit at all.
It's because you're everything I ever fucking wanted.
And I know that shit. I already know. It doesn't take a whole lot of time.
I can fucking feel that shit.

I wish you hadn't shown up right now.
I wish you could've waited a while.
Because now I have to bail.
Bad fucking timing.
Bad timing.
I'm not willing to love the way I know I'd love you if I kept seeing you.
I won't fucking do it.
I already know where that road goes, because you told me.
And if I've learned anything from the last six years of bullshit, it's this:
if someone tells you who they are, and what they want, you don't try to convince them otherwise.
You just fucking believe them.

[this may have been a rant when i was fucked up]