It's funny to me the things that stick with me about you.
We've done a lot together in five months. Five months is a really short time considering all the memories that I have with you. But the things that really stick in my memory the most are always things that wouldn't seem very memorable if I tried to describe them.
I just, have these odd moments of clarity about you, and they always hit me in the most quiet, unassuming moments.
"I will never buy you shoes." The look on your face. The way I could feel the look on my face when you said that. And how after you went in the store, I pulled down the passenger side mirror to look at my face because I knew that whatever expression was on it was one I'd never seen there before. And I was right.
I am afraid of being abandoned. It's odd that I told you that when I was drunk, I don't remember saying that. It makes me wonder what else I've admitted and don't remember.
And I am afraid of this feeling. I've only felt a feeling comparable to this one other time in my life, but it was back when I was raving all the time, so it was really easy to just get it out since I was on molly all the time. Now I'm like, I feel all of this shit, and I want to tell you but I don't want to tell you. I don't want to say too much and freak you out or scare you away. But I also don't want to say nothing and mess it up because I didn't let you see how I really feel.
That's what I was caught up about driving out of Chicago. I thought about what I wanted to say really carefully because I wanted to find a balance. I remember saying to you that I want you to know what I mean when I say I love you. Because I said it pretty fast, I know that. And I realized, you're not in my head. You don't know what I'm thinking and feeling. It might not seem sincere if I just say I love you but I don't say anything more about it. So I wanted you to know what I meant. I remember telling you that when I'm around you my heart hurts, like I got punched in the chest.
And there. Right there was one of those moments that stuck with me, for some reason. You glanced over at me really quick and then looked back at the road and just breathed out, a short sharp huff. And you didn't say anything. There's maybe different ways to interpret that but I just felt like you really heard me. Like you got it. Something about that glance, something about that sound.
I really hope you don't run. You might. I don't know. I've done plenty of running in my life. It's not a judgement. And of course I don't want you to do anything you don't want to. I'm not trying to pin you down and I definitely never want to hold you back. This is probably scary for you too. It's really, really scary for me. It's honestly fucking terrifying.
Because I keep having thoughts that I've never had before. I keep having thoughts like, I want to keep you forever. I want to spend the rest of my life petting your hair and scratching your back. I want that mouth to be the mouth that I kiss every day, all of the days. That voice, that smile, those eyes. Those ridiculous impressions that you do. The way you rap along to J Cole and the way you sing along to chick music in the car. Your goofy giggle that you do and the way you punch the air when you get really excited. The way you get really excited so easily. I want all of it, and I'm going to keep wanting all of it.
That's why this is so scary for me. I've never felt that way before. Everyone I've ever been with, or felt strongly about, I still just appreciated them in the moment. I didn't want anything. I didn't feel that. But with you, for the first time, I want to keep you. Not just for some of the days, but for the rest of them. I don't understand it. I've only known you 6 months. My longest relationship was 6 years and I didn't feel this way. I have never in my entire life, wanted to give my life to anyone. You're the only one.
And that's so fucking scary. It really, really freaks me out. That I could feel that way about another person. That you can just feel that way, for another human being, and you've got no guarantees. And of course I'll never tell you that, I mean we've been dating for like 3 months and that's batshit insane and I would never, ever actually say it. But like. I feel that way. And I know you really care about me but there's no fucking way that you feel the same way I do. Sometimes I just feel so much when I'm with you and it's terrifying not knowing how you feel in return. Do you ever feel like you've been punched in the chest? Do you feel any of this? Maybe I'm batshit crazy but it feels like you're my soulmate and I don't know if you feel it too or if I'm just. By myself in this. I wish I knew but it's way too early to say shit like that. Actually what do I know about when to say shit like that, I've never said that to anyone because I've never felt that way towards another person before. Just you. So this is all new to me and I'm trying my best to navigate it but it's just. It's really scary.
