I am so fucking mad at you for not being better.
It only really hit me today that we're done. It didn't bother me before. I guess it still doesn't bother me, at least in the sense of wishing I could be back with you. I don't wish that. I just wish you'd been better.
You had so many chances for six years, and you didn't even try. You didn't even fucking try. You just talked out your ass and sat around and did nothing.
I'm so fucking mad at you.
It could have been different. I'm in bed playing crashlands listening to the weather happening outside. It's getting cold out. It takes me back to 4 years ago when I was doing the exact same thing, but in your bed instead of mine. Laying under the blankets in our pajamas with our feet linked together. I remembered how happy I felt, and how peaceful.
We could have had everything. I'm so angry.
It was stupid how much I loved you. It ended up being such a waste.
You know what'll make me even madder? If you don't go on and find a way to be happy.
You couldn't do it when you were with me. God fucking knows I tried.
You never realized that that was the only god damn thing that I wanted.
Whatever. You didn't try. You didn't care whether or not you were happy, so you didn't care about me. If you'd cared about me, you would have cared about the one fucking thing that I wanted.
So what. You couldn't do it with me. Just fucking do it, please.
It'll be ten times the waste if you don't. You won't just be wasting my time, or our relationship.
You won't be wasting the most love I've ever felt for another human being.
You'll be wasting your whole self.
Don't fucking do that. Jesus christ.
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
Wednesday, September 4, 2019
Rambly thoughts
Thinking about a random topic so I might as well pop off about it since nobody reads this. Also thank God nobody reads this, I just like having a diary on the cloud.
I was watching Parks and Rec, and it's the episode where Tom gets divorced so they go to the strip club. Ron says something about how he's not into strip clubs but he loves the buffet. And I was thinking, the next dude I date is going to be like that.
Probably not for obvious reasons. I have no problem with strippers, with stripping, with somebody I'm dating finding someone else attractive (I mean... fucking duh, that's going to happen. There's a lot of hot people in the world). It's just that 2/3 of my best girl friends that I've had in my life were strippers, and neither of them were happy. They would call me and ask me to come keep them company and grab a drink when things were slow at work, and some gross fuck would be creeping on them and they'd be like, smiling and pretending to be into it, and I knew in the real world they'd be telling him to fuck the hell off. And I just wanted to punch those fucking guys in their gross ass faces and tell them to get the fuck away from my girl.
The thing is, I don't really think stripping is anti-feminist and I don't think it's feminist. I don't think there's anything black or white about it as an institution itself. I think whether or not stripping is a feminist action is different for everyone who does it and just depends on whether or not it personally makes them feel empowered. For some women I know that it does, and if that's the case then fuck yeah. It's just that I have personal experience with women who it made them feel the opposite, and I love them so much and anything that makes them feel small just fills me with inexplicable rage and I want to rip it apart with my bare fingernails.
I guess my problem is, if I went to a strip club and there were 50 dancers there, and 49 of them felt empowered as fuck but one of them felt small, I wouldn't want to be there. I wouldn't want to contribute in any way to the way that one girl was feeling. Even if it made the 49 others feel better, it wouldn't be a good trade to me. There's nothing that makes me more upset or uncomfortable than making someone else feel small. I've lived my entire life trying to do the opposite when I meet people. I'm not saying "oh I'm so fucking great look at me." I've hurt tons of people and I've fucked up more than I probably even know. But I try, and I care, at least.
When I think about how I want to date a guy who doesn't like going to the strip club, all I'm saying is that I want to date someone who's like that too. Someone who's really aware of other people and where they're at and how they're feeling. So many people are just fucking clueless and don't even notice. I want someone who actually has emotional intelligence and a heart and doesn't want to go either because he can feel that one girl who feels small and it makes it hard for him to get a boner. That's the kind of person I want.
Like I said it's hard for me to reconcile that with my belief that women can do whatever the fuck they want with their own bodies and make whatever choices they want and I fully support them. I have no judgements about people who strip, seriously. It's a totally valid job and skill and I would punch anyone who looked down on strippers in the face.
I guess that's all a contradiction. I'll figure it out later.
I was watching Parks and Rec, and it's the episode where Tom gets divorced so they go to the strip club. Ron says something about how he's not into strip clubs but he loves the buffet. And I was thinking, the next dude I date is going to be like that.
Probably not for obvious reasons. I have no problem with strippers, with stripping, with somebody I'm dating finding someone else attractive (I mean... fucking duh, that's going to happen. There's a lot of hot people in the world). It's just that 2/3 of my best girl friends that I've had in my life were strippers, and neither of them were happy. They would call me and ask me to come keep them company and grab a drink when things were slow at work, and some gross fuck would be creeping on them and they'd be like, smiling and pretending to be into it, and I knew in the real world they'd be telling him to fuck the hell off. And I just wanted to punch those fucking guys in their gross ass faces and tell them to get the fuck away from my girl.
The thing is, I don't really think stripping is anti-feminist and I don't think it's feminist. I don't think there's anything black or white about it as an institution itself. I think whether or not stripping is a feminist action is different for everyone who does it and just depends on whether or not it personally makes them feel empowered. For some women I know that it does, and if that's the case then fuck yeah. It's just that I have personal experience with women who it made them feel the opposite, and I love them so much and anything that makes them feel small just fills me with inexplicable rage and I want to rip it apart with my bare fingernails.
I guess my problem is, if I went to a strip club and there were 50 dancers there, and 49 of them felt empowered as fuck but one of them felt small, I wouldn't want to be there. I wouldn't want to contribute in any way to the way that one girl was feeling. Even if it made the 49 others feel better, it wouldn't be a good trade to me. There's nothing that makes me more upset or uncomfortable than making someone else feel small. I've lived my entire life trying to do the opposite when I meet people. I'm not saying "oh I'm so fucking great look at me." I've hurt tons of people and I've fucked up more than I probably even know. But I try, and I care, at least.
When I think about how I want to date a guy who doesn't like going to the strip club, all I'm saying is that I want to date someone who's like that too. Someone who's really aware of other people and where they're at and how they're feeling. So many people are just fucking clueless and don't even notice. I want someone who actually has emotional intelligence and a heart and doesn't want to go either because he can feel that one girl who feels small and it makes it hard for him to get a boner. That's the kind of person I want.
Like I said it's hard for me to reconcile that with my belief that women can do whatever the fuck they want with their own bodies and make whatever choices they want and I fully support them. I have no judgements about people who strip, seriously. It's a totally valid job and skill and I would punch anyone who looked down on strippers in the face.
I guess that's all a contradiction. I'll figure it out later.
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