I don't really know what I'm doing right now.
I feel like I've just kind of floated through the last four weeks, avoiding life.
I know in the grand scheme of a life, a romantic relationship is pretty small. It's just one thing, and not everyone even has one.
It just feels weird being where I'm at, I guess.
I haven't talked to Ben in at least 2 months, maybe more. I was initially hoping he wouldn't write to me at all. It seems like every time we've stopped talking in the past, he'll completely leave me alone. But as soon as he decides he wants to reestablish contact, he goes after it like he's possessed. Once I get that first point of contact from him, it immediately turns into a deluge. That's why I was stressed out when he texted me three weeks ago letting me know that he was really busy but that he wanted to talk. I just expected it to turn into a storm, again, and I didn't want to talk yet. I didn't know if I wanted to talk at all. I still don't. But he hasn't written again, at least not yet. I'm not sure if it's better to just let it drift away than to talk about it, but I don't really feel ready to talk about it. I don't know what to say. I'm tired of the way he tries to micro manage everything that I do. It's dehumanizing and exhausting and infuriating all at the same time. I'm not even going to say "I don't want to." It's that I absolutely refuse to live a life where I'm in fear that if I don't stir my coffee quietly enough I'll get cussed out and spend weeks waiting for an apology, or at least some acknowledgement that the reaction was inappropriate, that won't ever come. It's bullshit and I'm not going to live that way. And when I say that, I don't mean "I need him to never do that to me again." I mean, "he is going to do that again and so I am not willing to be around him anymore."
He really believes that he cares about me, even when he's that person. I guess that's what's leaving me feeling so over trying to build something with another person. If someone can genuinely think they care about you and that they're trying, and still make your life so miserable, what then? I don't know if it's even worth it to try, with anyone, anymore. And it's kind of sad because when I'm with someone, whether it's long term or it's a new thing, there's this kind of spark and sparkle to everyday things. Even to bland things. Everything seems a little more alive. And that spark's kind of dead in me right now. It's not that being single kills the spark. It's more like... having no faith in relationships anymore kills it. I don't want to meet anyone else, and I don't want to be with him. I just kind of firmly believe at this point in time that anyone I try to be with is just going to take advantage of me, not appreciate me, try to change me, and just in general make my life more difficult and kind of kill my sense of self. It's not being alone that's dragging me down. It's believing that.
It just seems like everyone lets me down when I try to be with them, whether it's casual or serious. And I don't mean to suggest I'm this perfect person who never disappoints anyone or lets anyone down. I am, I have been, and I do, sometimes. But I care. I try not to. And when I feel like I've done something like that, let someone down, wronged them, or more importantly when someone else tells me I have, I spend a lot of time thinking about the situation and my behavior and I do my best to identify the problems in myself that led to my behaving wrongly, and to change those things. Apologies mean less than nothing if they're not accompanied by a conscious behavioral change. I just haven't seen that from anyone that I've tried to be with in so long, and I'm so tired. It seems like almost everyone I've ever been with has tried to change me, has tried to make me into someone like them, has complained about me more than they've lifted me up, and at the same time has professed to love or care about me deeply. It's hard to believe there's anything else out there. There are so many ways to let someone down, too. Ben never gave up on me, but he treated me like dirt so many times even if he didn't actually leave for good. Gabe treated me really well for the short time I hung out with him but then he disappeared with no explanation. Dylan never defended me when his friends were dicks, got drunk and told me he loved me way too early into us hanging out, and then panicked and ghosted me. Alden acted like he really liked me but then got back together with his ex out of nowhere and still made out with me afterwards one time, and to this day when I see him he hugs me for way too long and makes "I'm a sad boy" noises and tells me he misses me. Matt seemed to like me but without him actually saying it it seemed pretty clear he didn't want anything serious, which was fine with me because I didn't either at the time. But when I got back together with my ex, he still messaged me every few months for years to check in on me, and when I finally agreed to meet up and catch up he bailed on me two times in a row at the very last second because he can't stop himself from getting too drunk to not let people down, apparently. Jacob repeatedly instigated stuff with me and then when it blew up in our faces went around suggesting that we were equally at fault, when he was the one who was always pushing everything that happened between us, and always when I was drunk. I don't feel like he took advantage of me intentionally, but I don't see it as being equally our fault when he was the one who suggested that he'd broken up with his girlfriend when he hadn't yet, and he leaned in and kissed me without asking. I know I kissed him back but I didn't know he hadn't broken up with his girlfriend yet, and I was even on the fence about it in the first place. I guess I don't need to go any further back than that. It's just... do you see what I mean? That's not even that far back, that's just the last few years. And the only reason it's not a longer list of guys doing stupid things and upsetting me is because I spent so much of it letting Ben be the sole Person In Charge Of Letting Me Down.
I don't want to be alone. I guess that's the truth of the matter. I love love. I love crushes. I love connecting with someone on a different level than you connect with other people. I love getting to know someone so well. I love that feeling. I don't want to be alone. But I don't really believe in this anymore. I think that's why I'm so depressed right now. It's like growing up believing in unicorns, and you think you find one and then it turns out it's just a horse with a stick glued to its forehead. But you think, maybe the next one, maybe I'll find one. And then one day you just kind of realize that unicorns don't exist. It's not that you don't want to see one anymore, you just know they're not real. I know that analogy is silly and childish but I'm feeling silly and childish right now so fuck off.
Maybe that's a bad analogy. The whole "unicorn" thing makes it sound like I believed there was someone out there who was perfect and when I met them everything would just click into place. I know people aren't perfect. I know that. I don't expect them to be. I don't even want them to be because how fucking boring would that be? You can't grow if you're perfect. And growth is the part that's beautiful, even when it's ugly. That's the part I love the best. So no, I wasn't looking for perfection. I was just looking for an imperfect person with kindness in their heart who harbored an undying desire to be better. Someone who valued me. Someone who valued me more than their old resentments, more than their fears, more than their addictions. I didn't want someone who had no resentments, fears, or addictions. Just someone who cared about me a little more than they cared about those things. See the difference? Because that's the place where growth happens. And obviously you don't need a relationship to grow. You just have to care about something more than the darker parts of yourself that you cling to. It doesn't have to be a person. But they're not mutually exclusive either. It could be both. It could be more than one thing. I guess I just wanted someone to grow with. Someone to share the process of finding things that mattered more than our darknesses. I can't find them. People just want to cling to their demons and use me to pad the blows they refuse to stop taking. I'm beat.
