I've been so selfish

I'm just starting to realize it. I have been so fucking selfish. All this time, I thought I was being selfless, loving, true. I've just been so fucking selfish this entire time. And I'm sorry. And I need to tell you that. At some point, I need to get brave enough to tell you that I know, and that I'm sorry.

You told me when you first met that you weren't looking for a relationship. And then later, as things got a little more intense, you got into more detail. You told me that you're not looking for one more time of falling in love, fucking around, and then losing out. You told me that you're at a point in your life where you're kind of playing for keeps. Like you're thinking, the next time you fall in love, it's going to be for good. That's going to be the person, probably the person you marry. The one you want to be with, not just kill time with for a while.

And I guess I heard those words, but I must have thought I knew what you needed better than you did. Not intentionally, not consciously. But I must have thought that. I must have thought... maybe that's not true. Maybe I really am right for you. Maybe you just haven't been treated right by all the people you've been with. The things you've told me, the experiences, the stories... it sounds like you haven't really been treated right by the right person. And I guess I just thought... maybe you're tired of fucking around because fucking around is all it's really been, no matter how much you may have wanted more than that. That's all anyone really gave you back. And I guess I just thought... I could be different. I could be the one who shows you different. I could be the one that shows you that there's a whole nother place, where you're safe, and everything is peaceful, and light, and happy, and beautiful. And even if I couldn't keep you, I just wanted to go there with you. Because I think you're capable of going there, and maybe the people you've really tried to give your heart to, haven't been capable of it, at least at that point in time. I really thought I could be that person. I really believed that so strongly. And because of that.... I guess that in itself is thinking that I knew better than you. Thinking that you just didn't know what you needed because you didn't know what you were missing. But that's not right. That's not fair. How could I know what you want and what you need and what's best for you better than you do... that wasn't fair of me. I should have just listened to you. Because really... if that was my subconscious analysis... it might have even been right. But it doesn't matter. Because your life and your decisions are up to you, and nobody else. And I should have listened, and heard, and respected that.

And then suddenly I loved you. I honestly never knew that would happen. I never expected it. Remember when we first met? I told you I was meeting up with tons of different dudes for beer or coffee or whatever, and you wanted me to add you to that list of guys I was meeting up with. That was true. I was doing that. But I didn't tell you why. The reason was because my heart was broken, and I was just trying to distract myself by keeping as busy with a million random guys as possible, hoping that if I hung out with random people enough, I'd stop thinking about the one guy I really wanted to be hanging out with. That was the only reason. That's why I met up with you. That's why I met up with all of them. You were just supposed to be a temporary distraction. That's all you were gonna be. That's all I thought of you as. I wasn't supposed to care about you. I was just supposed to use you to forget and then I was going to just go away. And that was it. That was all. I never expected, never thought, never in a million years imagined that I would start valuing you for who you are, and not just as a tool to numb the hurt I was feeling. That's all any of them were supposed to be, including you. And something just happened. I started having real feelings for you. I started caring about how your day was going, and how you felt about things, and what made you sad, and what made you happy, and what you lived for. You started to matter. And all of a sudden, it was out of my control. All of a sudden you were this person I could say anything to. Be as goofy as I wanted with, and it didn't matter, because it was okay. Because we were comfortable. You suddenly were this safe place where I wasn't expecting anything at all. I didn't expect that could even happen. I wasn't looking for it. You said you thought I was looking for something, for love, for anything. But really, it was the exact opposite of that. I honestly intentionally thought that I would never have anything meaningful with any of these people. Including you. And it just fucking happened and then I was thrown into total complete and utter chaos because of it. I was shellshocked, I was confused, even a little angry maybe. Because... there I went again. None of the other ones meant anything, none of the other ones mattered. For some reason, you were different.  You fucking mattered.

And I just... I couldn't believe it. I hadn't wanted that. I really hadn't wanted that. I actively did not want that. But it fucking happened and it was basically a fucking miracle. And I just... I guess I felt like it was a miracle and I shouldn't let it go. I shouldn't just fuck it off and pretend I didn't know what I felt and pretend I didn't care and blow you off and disregard those feelings. Because I respect those feelings so much. I just wanted to show them the care I thought they deserved. But really I guess I was only thinking of myself. I was so scared Ben. I was so scared. All of a sudden I had all these feelings snowballing out of my control, and I thought I had just shut down. I thought nothing could touch me. And then you just reached past all of those fucking things and you touched me, wherever I was hiding. And you weren't even trying. You did that without even trying. I was so fucking scared. I was so fucking confused. But more terrifying even than that was the thought that I could lose you. That all of those things that I thought were just going to be dead to me for a while, hit me like that so hard, and that they could just as suddenly be gone. Poof. I was so fucking scared. I never wanted that. I never wanted that fucking terror. But it happened. I didn't know what to do. I tried so hard to tell myself I didn't really feel that way. I tried so hard to stop, to make it go away. But it just didn't work.

But... next time you give your heart away, you're trying to play for keeps. And we both know that's not what I need right now. You can't love me back. Because you know how that's going to end and you don't want to do that again. You just know that's bad for you to do that again. And I get that now. It really is that simple. It's not that I didn't show you I cared enough, or that I was different. It's that it plain and simple is not what you need. And I was selfish for trying to change your mind. So I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. If I really loved you at any time, now, then, whatever, I don't even know how I feel about you right now because I'm lying so hard to myself I don't even know what I'm lying about. However I felt, or .. feel.. or whatever, I support you. I want you to be happy. It's going to have to be without me because that's what you need. I get that now. If I ever fucking said that I loved you, I better have fucking meant it enough to know that the important thing is that you get what you need and what you're happy. So go. Be happy. Go find somebody that is right for you, that's where you're at, that has what you need, that is what you need. I understand now that it's not me. No matter how much you make me feel at peace. It feels like the world is just a non stop scream. It's so loud. It's always screaming and this noise goes on and on and my mind goes on and on and whirls and it's so loud it's deafening all the time. It never fucking stops. And you're just this... silence. Even when you're loud. Even when you're annoying and doing arnold schwartznegger impressions and poking me and fucking with me. You're like this silence in the middle of all this noise. You're this place where I feel peaceful. Where I feel like shit is going to be okay. That is something that you don't find all the time... so when you do, you have to honor it. The best way to honor it is to respect it, and to do the best you can, to build it up. To act in its best interests. Your best interests. Which is not to make you fall in love with me back. It's to help you find what you need. And the best way I can do that is to just tell you... go. Be free. Be happy. Find the person you need. Who is right for you. And accept, finally just accept that that's not me. Go. Find that person. I'll always be just around the corner for you. Always. Because you were silence in a mad world. Because of that, I will always be just around the corner if you need me. But I want you to go now. I want you to find what, and who, you need. If it can't be me, find the one that's the very best, and  be the best you, and be the happiest ever. Fall in love, have an amazing life, take chances, regret nothing, be wild, be free, be contained, be crazy and be reserved and smile and laugh and love. Please, if you can't do that with me, okay. But please do that with somebody. I am so sorry that I've tried to hold you back. It was selfish. I just... It's just so hard to come to terms with that when you just want somebody so badly. It was selfish and I was wrong. I won't try to hold you back anymore. I want you to go and find your happiness. And if you ever need me, you have my number. If you ever need me, I am right here. I'm always in your corner. You said to me once... I'm not going anywhere unless you throw me out of your life. I don't know how much you meant that but, I mean it. I just... I see that it was selfish of me now. I get it now. I just want you to be happy. Please go find your happiness, and don't look back. Love always Ben.

Post-Apocalyptica

You want to know what I think? I think you love me. I think you've loved me this whole time.

You think you're totally in control of your emotions. As if, if you thought something wasn't for the best, or wouldn't work out, you could just tell yourself not to feel that way about that person, and you just immediately wouldn't. You never wanted to love me. You always knew it was a bad idea. You tried so hard to stop yourself from loving me. You told my best friend barely a month after we met that you were 'trying really hard not to fall in love with me.'

And you have. You've been trying so hard this entire time. And that, stranger, is why it is different this time. It's different because usually you wouldn't have to keep trying so hard. You would tell yourself, 'don't feel that way,' and then you just wouldn't. And then you could just walk right out of my life and move on with your own, and be perfectly safe and fine.

But every time you try to do that, every time you tell yourself yet again that I'm nothing to you, and force me out of your life, and try to walk away, you stumble. You stumble and you can't leave me behind. Not because you're still trying not to love me, but because you already do.

You have all along. That's why you can't walk away, no matter how much you tell yourself, and me, that I'm nothing to you. That you don't care. You've just gotten meaner as time has gone on because deep down somewhere even you can't reach, you know. But acting like it means nothing to you isn't going to change the truth. You're going to have to face it someday.

Despitation

"See, the thing is, there's just so many problems. He doesn't know what he wants and he just keeps yanking me back and forth. He's moody, and he's grumpy and he's bitchy, and he tells me he has 'strong feelings' for me, but then when I start to feel the same he doesn't anymore. And he tells me that he's not my friend and that it's just sex, but when I start to treat it that way, he 'calls me out' because 'that's what he does with his friends,' and gets upset that I don't come to his house early enough to 'actually hang out.' He thinks he's so adult-like but can't handle things not always going exactly his way, and he thinks he's a great communicator but he's worse at explaining himself and how he feels than just about anyone I've ever met. He either doesn't know how he feels, or he can't admit it to himself, and I hate it. I am so sick of it all."

"Then... why do you keep coming back?"

"I... I guess it's because... in spite of all that, when I'm with him... I'm happy."

The Rock and the River

They tell you: Do not be hard. Do not be immovable, like the rock that sits in the river, cutting the current. Be the water. Flow around obstacles. Be motion. Be change.

But what they don't know is that the river loves the rock.

Because the rock makes the river dance.

Don't love me

Okay. Just don't have feelings for me. Because I'm not going to allow myself to have feelings for you, anymore. If you don't want to get hurt, don't love me.

I had no idea

I didn't think I could possibly dislike you any more than I did. I was wrong.
I didn't think you could say anything more to hurt me. I was wrong.
It's just really hard to accept that you actually are a piece of shit.
I keep thinking maybe there's a reason, some explanation. There's not
This is who you are. I need to just stop answering.
I need to stop worrying about you.
I wish I could say I hate you but I obviously don't or I wouldn't worry.
Fuck. Just leave me alone.

Ready to not give a shit

I miss you, you royal fucking asshat.

Fuck You.

Come on, man. Get your shit together. You said the most awful things to me. Truly fucking awful. You told me I was garbage. After that I ended up crashing with people you don't like, and I could have been cuddling with someone and instead I sat on the floor all night instead of a comfortable bed because at the time I'd rather have been on the floor than be next to anybody but you. And the next morning you threw your fit and said to come over if I wanted any sort of closure, and you just jumped down my fucking throat about sleeping over there, and I told you all of that. That I'd sat on the damn floor, up all night, because I didn't want to be next to anyone but you. And you said to me "makes sense because trash belongs on the floor." And that was just the tip of the iceberg of the things you said to me. Noone has ever talked to me like that.

You say all that shit, you do all that shit, you still have the nerve to think I'm going to want to sleep with you after that, which just completely blows my mind, as if I'd ever allow someone who had spoken to me that way to even breathe in the same vicinity as me ever again. You say something like that to me, we are done. We are nothing. It is OVER.

And then you admit over Facebook that you shouldn't have called me garbage but that I wouldn't go away and you just wanted me to leave and leave you alone and go away and that I wouldn't just leave, and you'd tried to get me to leave and I wouldn't and that was why you were so mean, to get me to just go away. Because if I didn't want to have sex with you, that's "all you had left with me" and if I wouldn't fuck you "there was no reason for us to keep talking"

And then later I tell you to leave my stuff on the porch so I can go get it, and you fucking text me while I'm in the driveway "come watch dexter"?!!! What the fuck is wrong with you! What is your fucking problem? So I just texted you nothing but "go fuck yourself" and that is the last thing I said to you. You are so fucking insane. You are literally crazy as fuck.

And then you just texted me back a fucking frowny face. Really? A frowny face? What are you 5? What is your fucking deal?

And then! 4 fucking days later you text me "what are you doing" and you fucking stalk my okcupid profile and write me "hi" on okcupid. What is wrong with you! You literally spent days telling me I was trash who belonged on the floor and I was garbage and I was a worthless human being and then you went from that to saying you wanted to fuck me still but that if I wouldn't fuck you you were just gonna fuck someone else and 'wouldn't that bother me?' . I mean you literally did everything you could to get me to go away. And now that I go away you're fucking texting me and writing me messages online and stalking my okcupid. Yes I know you are stalking my okcupid. I can see who visits the profile and when. You literally are on there every hour and a half all night long except for from about 5 am until 8am which means you're not sleeping. I don't know what your fucking problem is. You fucking ripped me apart, you ripped me to fucking pieces, all in the name of wanting me to go away according to you, and as soon as I go you start fucking online stalking me and writing me all these messages and being a weird pathetic fuck. What the hell is wrong with you.

This is what happens every damn time. You get bored of me, you blame me for every damn thing you don't like about your life, and you push me away, and then you finally get me to leave. Tell me all you want is for me to fuck off and go away for good. And then as soon as I do, you realize oh hey, molly's gone but my life still sucks, maybe all the shitty things in my life weren't happening BECAUSE OF MOLLY, oh shit maybe she actually was one of the only fucking things that were making me HAPPY and now she's GONE oh shit I had better go be pathetic and try to get her back! And me like a fucking idiot kept coming back. And then you'd go right back to getting bored with me and blaming me for everything. Well guess what! I'm not the problem with your life! I'm not the reason you're bored or unhappy or depressed. YOU are the reason. And I'm not your fucking little emotional toy to keep yanking around back and forth. You can go fuck yourself, play your stupid head games somewhere else, play them by yourself, find a new fucking guinea pig, whatever it is I don't care. Just leave me the fuck out of it. You can't go and call someone who has literally spent 10 months doing everything they possibly can to show you they care about you and are thinking of you and want to be good to you, call that person trash for no good fucking reason, break their heart, drive them out of their life, tell them you did it because you just wanted them to go away forever and they wouldn't do it otherwise, and then as soon as they're gone start obsessing over them and expect them to have the slightest interest in writing you back. I would rather write back a cockroach. I would literally rather shove a cockroach up my vagina than have sex with you. Than be touched by you. Than have you even look at me. Go away forever you slimy piece of shit and I hope you rot.