Thoughts on the end

Right now, I'm having some thoughts about how this whole thing is going to end, whenever that will be. The thing is... I don't think either of us could keep up this kind of relationship if we're seeing someone on the side. You because you have jealousy issues, and me because I still have feelings for you. I guess you have feelings for me too on some level but I don't know that it's quite the same. I just don't know that we could do that. Keep spending nights together tangled up watching netflix, or going to the bar and talking to each other about every personal thing our respective friends are going through, or sleeping together, or waking up together, or any of it, while the other one was doing those things with somebody else too. I don't think either of us would really be able to do that.

And I also know that we've never just been friends. There was always that element to it, the constant touch even if it wasn't sexual, the energy between us. We've been friends all this time, yes, but that was never all it was. So when we talked about it ages ago and you said you couldn't really seeing us being friends if one of us started actually seeing someone else, I was a little bit hurt because I do see you as my friend, a really good friend, and I want to think that we could still be part of each others' lives after one of us finds somebody, but I wasn't offended because I get what you're saying. Our relationship has always been cuddling and just being close with each other, closer than someone who was just a friend. That's just how we are with each other. I don't know if we could -not- be that way with each other. I totally understand that and see where you're coming from.

At the same time though... it's been almost a year. About a month and a half shy of a year now, that we've spent almost every day together. The days we weren't together we were texting back and forth nonstop, or calling. Besides those three weeks when we didn't talk a couple months ago, there was probably a grand total of 7 days, if that, that we were totally not in contact over a year. You're my friend. Before that whole incident when all those things were said... I mean, I referred to you as my best friend. Besides Kerstin of course, and there's anna and steve, but I don't see them every day. I would refer to you as my best friend when I was talking about you to people who didn't know you. Oh me and my best friend did this the other day, or I'd tell stories where I did this thing and then my best friend said this thing and it was really funny. That's how I talked about you. And I meant it. So I guess... I understand how it would be hard and weird and maybe even not possible for us to just be friends, and not sleep together and not touch each other and not look at each other the way we look at each other sometimes. But still... you are my friend. I care about you a lot as a person, as a friend. You're not just some dude that I have blinding feelings for that make me want to be near you all the time regardless of whether we have anything to say to each other or whether we can have an actual conversation. It's not like that. It's been like that before, where you just have so many feelings for this person that none of the facts even count, you just have to be near them. It's not like that with you. I can sit there when Kerstin meets a new boy and tell you that psh I didn't really like him and tell you all the reasons why and you sit there and listen to the whole spiel and then tell me well you don't really like the sound of him either, and then we can sit there talking shit. I can bounce ideas and thoughts off of you. When I'm lost or something's bothering me or I don't understand why someone is doing or saying something or anything, I can talk to you about it. Sometimes you offer up advice and sometimes you just listen but you're always there to talk to. You really are my friend. And you know what, I can get over having feelings for you. I know I can because I've already had to do it to protect myself. I know I can do that. But I don't know if I can just get over being your friend. I don't know if I can just get over having you in my life that easy. I really... I guess I kind of lean on you in a lot of ways, ways that maybe neither of us even really realize, but I know I do. You've become such a big part of my life and I value your thoughts and your opinions (most of the time... :)hehe ) and I just... if you meet someone, I'd truly be happy for you. I'm happy if you're happy, because that's what friends do. Seriously, I mean that, I would be happy that you had found something or someone that made you happy. I could handle that. But I just don't want you gone from my life. I really don't. I need you. You're not just one of my best friends, you have a special role in my life. You're kind of the calm, thoughtful one. I like hearing your advice on stuff in my life. I like talking to you, hearing what you're thinking. It kind of brings me down to earth. I really don't want to lose you. And you're right, I don't know how we could be just friends. I don't know. But I know I can't just let you disappear after all of this.

I know I've brought it back to this so many times but, remember when you said to me... I'm not going anywhere unless you kick me out of your life. Maybe that was just a throwaway comment to you, or maybe it was just a heated in the moment thing but, it really meant something to me. It meant a lot to me. It felt safe. I felt like I could trust you. Like you wouldn't just disappear. Like maybe I was one of your best friends too. And... I mean, I'm not saying I'm not ever going to meet somebody, but I'm never going to kick you out of my life. And I still just get this feeling like you're going to go somewhere eventually, whether soon or in a long time, whether I want you to or not. I don't want to lose my friend.

Entry

I don't know what's wrong with me. Sometimes you look at me like there's nobody else in the world, and sometimes you look at me like I'm a stranger. Some days I hardly think of you, and I go about my day and I hang out with my friends and I have a great time and you don't cross my mind. Sometimes you're gone for a while and I don't miss you. Some days, for reasons I don't understand, when you're gone for a while, I can't think about anything else, and my heart hurts and I just miss you terribly.

I wish you could either just like me, or not. I'm tired of this confusion. I wish you would either come in or stop knocking at the door.

No.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I will not love him again. Do not fucking love him again. No no no no. Please stop. Please fucking stop I can't do it again.

Note to self

Just another little daily reminder to myself not to love you. Don't do it. Do not fucking do it.

Fuck.

Why. Why now. Do you have any idea, any idea at all, how long I waited for you to look at me like that. I knew you could. I knew it was hidden away. I thought you didn't feel it. Maybe you didn't. And now, after all of this. All the hurtful words, all the times you couldn't care less, all the times you couldn't be bothered. All the times your eyes skirted me and wouldn't just look at me. Here I am. Right fucking here in front of you. Look at me. LOOK at me. Where are you. You're a thousand miles away. And now, after all of that, after saying you didn't care about me anymore, after saying all it was was sex, after saying you weren't even my friend. Now. Why now. Why

We walk back from the bar. You put your arm around me, I lean my head on your shoulder, standing there, your arm tightens, I finish my cigarette. Go back to your room, lay down. You hold me so tight, as tight as you can. You look at me, your eyes sparkle. They sparkle. You look nervous and excited and alive. You kiss me, not for any reason. Not trying to have sex. Just because you want to kiss me. You never do that. You kiss me again. You roll over on top of me and kiss me again and again and again. I open my eyes and there it is. There it is right there. I waited for that for ten months and there it is. You're smiling. Not that 'mouth slightly quirked because youre trying to stop yourself from smiling' smile. Not the 'one of us just said something funny' smile. Not any kind of smile that I've seen. You're just looking at me. And there's this big, beautiful smile on your face, and you're not trying to hide it, and you're not trying to stop yourself from doing it, and your eyes are just shining, and there it is. There's the smile. I meet your eyes and you exhale in a little huff, smile more and look down. Kind of embarrassed but still smiling. You look so happy. To be there with me.

Two o clock in the morning comes. You're still kissing me. Still smiling. You pull back and you say, "let's go on an adventure!" Your eyes sparkle. I say really? You say yes really. I say well, what kind of adventure? You look at me with those brilliant, happy, shining eyes, and that big smile and you say "I'll go anywhere you want to go." You say it softly, with this little smile on your face, that almost makes it seem like there's two meanings to the words. I smile and you kiss me again, and neither of us can stop because we keep telling each other 'you get up first, no you, no you.' You kiss me again and I roll over on top of you and laugh delightedly and kiss you again and again and again, saying 'get up! get up! get up!' in between kisses, and you smile even wider and you laugh and kiss me some more. We decide to go to the hill in sellwood. I say we have to bring champagne because it's tradition, and you say we don't have any champagne but you have beer and we can pretend its champagne. You get it out of the fridge and make a big show of gentlemanly offering me my 'champagne.' We drive down there at two in the morning and sit together, drinking our champagne beer and watching the city. Wondering where different red lights are at, and what are those slow yellow lights over there, and why is the sky so pink. You didn't care where you went at two o clock in the morning, you had said, you would go anywhere with me.

Why are you smiling at me now. I waited so fucking long. I will not love you. I will not love you. I will not love you. I will not.

Childhood

It's so weird. I've been really good at maintaining emotional distance thus far. I've blocked you out in a lot of ways. But for some reason the other night after we had sex, you were laying on your back tangled into me and our foreheads and noses were touching and out of nowhere, I don't even know why, that line from fox and the hound popped into my head. The point when the lady takes the fox back to the woods and leaves him there, and she's driving away crying and she says, in my hearts a memory, and there you'll always be. Just out of nowhere, I'm totally fine, been maintaining distance and not thinking of you emotionally, I've been fine. And boom that lines in my head. And I realized that every moment like that, laying there with our foreheads and our noses touching, could be the last one. I can lose you at anytime now . And I thought... This is how I want to remember you when you're gone. I want to remember laying here in silence, wrapped up in each other, forehead to forehead and nose to nose. I took a mental picture, and I knew that that was going to be the memory in my heart where you will always be. This all happened in about five seconds. And suddenly my throat started to burn and choke up and I almost just started crying right then and there before I could realize what was happening and stop myself. With my face right up against yours. I almost started to cry. My chest feels tight just remembering that. I don't even get where that sudden rush of feeling came from because I haven't been feeling much.