Wednesday, January 29, 2014
blues
I keep thinking about your eyes. I remember them so clearly its like im right in front of you when I close my eyes. You have the most beautiful eyes. Eyes reflect whats inside. They reflect the soul. The feeling in your eyes is hesitant and shy . It tries to hide. But it is so beautiful.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
On faith
I think... I can't say that I know how to explain it. But I think, I have an idea why you did what you did. I don't know if even you know why. But I think I have an idea.
It seemed like it fueled your fire every time I told you I believed in you. Every time I treated you like you were a really good person. Every time I really cared about you. Especially when I told you I had faith in you. It would make you distant, or really angry.
I wondered why. It didn't make any sense to me.
Sometimes when you tell someone you believe in them, it will make them very angry.
The reason it makes them very angry is because it hurts them to hear those words.
Sometimes, someone feels like... almost like the good in them is gone. Almost like they're a shadow of the person that they used to be. And their hope is gone. They've accepted their life as it is now, as empty as it feels. They've been hurt so badly and so much in the past that they feel like the good in them is just gone. Like the light's gone out. And so many times they've hoped that they could get it back. That they could be happy again. And their hopes were dashed. And now, they cannot take having their hopes dashed one more time. Not even one more time. So they just... give up. They just stop hoping entirely. They refuse to. They cannot bear any more disappointment.
So.. sometimes when you tell them you see the light, and you see the good and the beauty, and that you believe in it... they don't think it's possible for them to be that person again. They think it's too late. And it hurts them so bad to think that but they don't dare hope, ever again, not for anybody. But still, your words hurt because it reminds them of the person they used to be, that they think they can never be again. A happier person, a lighter person. A good person. Someone with a burning heart. And because it hurts them so badly, they want it to stop, and it makes them angry. And they lash out. It's not enough to make you stop saying those words. They need to make you stop believing those words, because your hope and your faith just reminds them that there's nothing to hope for.
So they do everything they can to destroy your faith in their goodness. They do everything they can to make you believe, to force you to believe, that they're not a good person. That there is no light left. Because if there was, there would be hope, and to them, hope just leads to crushing sadness and disappointment. Hope brings them a little closer to the edge of the pit, because it always comes to nothing to them. And they can't stand the thought of hope ever hurting them again. They need to make you hate them, to make the pain stop. To make the memories stop. To stop reminding them that there was a different time. That it wasn't always like this. If it was always like this, they could imagine there was nothing better. Nothing they were missing, that they would never be able to have.
They just want to pretend, because they know somewhere, deep inside themselves, past all the cold places, that if they were to open their eyes to their own sadness, it might be more than they could take. It might break them. They don't want to be reminded. And so they break you. To save their life. Anything to make you believe that you are wrong. That the good you see, is a lie. That you see nothing, you see smoke.
They will hurt you. They will hurt you so badly, sometimes. You will want to hate them. That's what they want, anyway. They want you to be wrong. But... I don't think you are. I think you are standing there, looking at a person, a shadow, with a very, very hurt heart. Hiding the last shreds of it away so it doesn't go away altogether. I think that person needs love. They may not be ready to hear that, but you are not wrong. Don't forget. It is never wrong to tell someone, "I believe in you. I see the good in you shining still, this very moment, and I have faith in you." That is never, ever the wrong thing to do. Sometimes people aren't ready to hear that. But it is never wrong, to believe.
It seemed like it fueled your fire every time I told you I believed in you. Every time I treated you like you were a really good person. Every time I really cared about you. Especially when I told you I had faith in you. It would make you distant, or really angry.
I wondered why. It didn't make any sense to me.
Sometimes when you tell someone you believe in them, it will make them very angry.
The reason it makes them very angry is because it hurts them to hear those words.
Sometimes, someone feels like... almost like the good in them is gone. Almost like they're a shadow of the person that they used to be. And their hope is gone. They've accepted their life as it is now, as empty as it feels. They've been hurt so badly and so much in the past that they feel like the good in them is just gone. Like the light's gone out. And so many times they've hoped that they could get it back. That they could be happy again. And their hopes were dashed. And now, they cannot take having their hopes dashed one more time. Not even one more time. So they just... give up. They just stop hoping entirely. They refuse to. They cannot bear any more disappointment.
So.. sometimes when you tell them you see the light, and you see the good and the beauty, and that you believe in it... they don't think it's possible for them to be that person again. They think it's too late. And it hurts them so bad to think that but they don't dare hope, ever again, not for anybody. But still, your words hurt because it reminds them of the person they used to be, that they think they can never be again. A happier person, a lighter person. A good person. Someone with a burning heart. And because it hurts them so badly, they want it to stop, and it makes them angry. And they lash out. It's not enough to make you stop saying those words. They need to make you stop believing those words, because your hope and your faith just reminds them that there's nothing to hope for.
So they do everything they can to destroy your faith in their goodness. They do everything they can to make you believe, to force you to believe, that they're not a good person. That there is no light left. Because if there was, there would be hope, and to them, hope just leads to crushing sadness and disappointment. Hope brings them a little closer to the edge of the pit, because it always comes to nothing to them. And they can't stand the thought of hope ever hurting them again. They need to make you hate them, to make the pain stop. To make the memories stop. To stop reminding them that there was a different time. That it wasn't always like this. If it was always like this, they could imagine there was nothing better. Nothing they were missing, that they would never be able to have.
They just want to pretend, because they know somewhere, deep inside themselves, past all the cold places, that if they were to open their eyes to their own sadness, it might be more than they could take. It might break them. They don't want to be reminded. And so they break you. To save their life. Anything to make you believe that you are wrong. That the good you see, is a lie. That you see nothing, you see smoke.
They will hurt you. They will hurt you so badly, sometimes. You will want to hate them. That's what they want, anyway. They want you to be wrong. But... I don't think you are. I think you are standing there, looking at a person, a shadow, with a very, very hurt heart. Hiding the last shreds of it away so it doesn't go away altogether. I think that person needs love. They may not be ready to hear that, but you are not wrong. Don't forget. It is never wrong to tell someone, "I believe in you. I see the good in you shining still, this very moment, and I have faith in you." That is never, ever the wrong thing to do. Sometimes people aren't ready to hear that. But it is never wrong, to believe.
Today's Applicability
I used to be overweight. Not completely, morbidly obese, but pretty darn overweight. From around the time I was 13 until now, at 22, with a couple exceptions when I lost weight, which I always gained back. I had horrible self esteem issues and I blamed all my problems on my weight. Somebody gave me a look at the library? They're thinking I'm fat. Somebody introduced me to their friend who didn't seem to like me very much right off the bat? It's because I'm fat. A guy I really like isn't into me back? It's because I'm fat. Everything related to human interaction, everything that went wrong, I blamed on my appearance. I was thinking 'woe is me,' but really what I was doing was just dumping all my faults and shortcomings into the one thing that I didn't expect to change, so that I wouldn't have to face my actual faults and shortcomings. I could just pass them off as something most likely completely unrelated to the reality of the situation, and avoid actually looking at myself. I always thought, if I was skinnier, that person would have liked me better. They'd have talked to me. If I was skinny, if I was beautiful, that guy would like me back. Those are the things I always thought, constantly, every minute of every day. If only I was skinny and beautiful my life would be perfect.
And now, I've grown up. I've lost a bunch of weight. A bunch. I'm in good shape. I look pretty good. I exercise, I eat pretty healthily, size 5 pants. I'm a good size now. Guys tell me I'm so sexy they can't believe it. They all love my ass. And he told me that he thought I was just. Beautiful. He thought I was just kind of amazingly beautiful. And yet... because of growing up thinking that way, when he doesn't want me, I still fall back into that pattern. Even though he thinks I'm beautiful, and I've lost all that weight, and I'm fit. He thinks I'm hot. And still, when he doesn't want me, I find myself thinking... if I was more beautiful, if I was more fit, he'd have liked me back. So I go to the gym like crazy, and I run myself raw, and I barely eat anything, and I do all this shit to get even hotter because I just have this stupid, stupid idea in my head from all this time that if a guy doesn't like me it's just because I'm fat and ugly, and I just have to get skinnier and prettier. And you know what? That's not the fucking problem this time, and getting skinnier or being prettier is not going to make him have feelings for me back. And I'm sickened that I'm even thinking along those lines because I know perfectly well that the chances of my ever even seeing him again in person are slim to none and that will only happen if by accident of us running into each other at High Rocks once it gets sunny or something like that, because honestly I don't want to ever fucking see him again but I'm not gonna stop going to High Rocks just because I'm afraid I'll run into him because it's my favorite spot and he can't have my damn favorite spot.
So I know that in all likelihood I'll never see him again. But I still find myself automatically doing this. Trying to eat less, exercise more, make myself look good. Because if I look better maybe he'll feel the same. Even though he won't even see me. Even though I don't even want him. He wants me. He's the one who said he just physically wants me right now. That won't stop him from being with someone else if he can't have me, but if I were an option I'd be the one he'd choose. But I'm not an option. So I need to stop thinking if I were skinnier, if I were prettier. Those are the kinds of things that make guys that don't care about you want to have sex with you. Well he's a guy who doesn't care about you, and he's already made it very very clear that he really really wants to have sex with you. So weight and prettiness obviously aren't the problem. The problem, the reason why you can't be with him, putting aside all the horrible shit that he's said and done to ruin any chance of that happening anyway, is that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore. No amount of skinny or pretty is going to change that. Stop tripping out and freaking out and just realize that. It's not your body he doesn't like it's your mind, or your personality, or your heart, or your soul, or something. It's who you are he doesn't like. And it's funny because fat girls always think skinny girls have it so easy, but the skinny pretty girls... they can't blame something like that on being fat. They can't blame it on how they look. When a guy doesn't want them, they know it's because he looked at who they are and he didn't give a fuck. And that's kind of worse, in a way.
And now, I've grown up. I've lost a bunch of weight. A bunch. I'm in good shape. I look pretty good. I exercise, I eat pretty healthily, size 5 pants. I'm a good size now. Guys tell me I'm so sexy they can't believe it. They all love my ass. And he told me that he thought I was just. Beautiful. He thought I was just kind of amazingly beautiful. And yet... because of growing up thinking that way, when he doesn't want me, I still fall back into that pattern. Even though he thinks I'm beautiful, and I've lost all that weight, and I'm fit. He thinks I'm hot. And still, when he doesn't want me, I find myself thinking... if I was more beautiful, if I was more fit, he'd have liked me back. So I go to the gym like crazy, and I run myself raw, and I barely eat anything, and I do all this shit to get even hotter because I just have this stupid, stupid idea in my head from all this time that if a guy doesn't like me it's just because I'm fat and ugly, and I just have to get skinnier and prettier. And you know what? That's not the fucking problem this time, and getting skinnier or being prettier is not going to make him have feelings for me back. And I'm sickened that I'm even thinking along those lines because I know perfectly well that the chances of my ever even seeing him again in person are slim to none and that will only happen if by accident of us running into each other at High Rocks once it gets sunny or something like that, because honestly I don't want to ever fucking see him again but I'm not gonna stop going to High Rocks just because I'm afraid I'll run into him because it's my favorite spot and he can't have my damn favorite spot.
So I know that in all likelihood I'll never see him again. But I still find myself automatically doing this. Trying to eat less, exercise more, make myself look good. Because if I look better maybe he'll feel the same. Even though he won't even see me. Even though I don't even want him. He wants me. He's the one who said he just physically wants me right now. That won't stop him from being with someone else if he can't have me, but if I were an option I'd be the one he'd choose. But I'm not an option. So I need to stop thinking if I were skinnier, if I were prettier. Those are the kinds of things that make guys that don't care about you want to have sex with you. Well he's a guy who doesn't care about you, and he's already made it very very clear that he really really wants to have sex with you. So weight and prettiness obviously aren't the problem. The problem, the reason why you can't be with him, putting aside all the horrible shit that he's said and done to ruin any chance of that happening anyway, is that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore. No amount of skinny or pretty is going to change that. Stop tripping out and freaking out and just realize that. It's not your body he doesn't like it's your mind, or your personality, or your heart, or your soul, or something. It's who you are he doesn't like. And it's funny because fat girls always think skinny girls have it so easy, but the skinny pretty girls... they can't blame something like that on being fat. They can't blame it on how they look. When a guy doesn't want them, they know it's because he looked at who they are and he didn't give a fuck. And that's kind of worse, in a way.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Bonne Chance
I'm gonna be okay. Because, I had you confused with all the things I wanted you to be.
I had you confused with all the things you have the potential to be.
I had you confused with the possibilities.
I had you confused with someone who deep down, really did care a whole, awful lot.
And who knows. Maybe you do.
But you're a boy. You're a child. You don't know how to express yourself.
It comes out as anger. As rage. As malice. It comes out as barbs and daggers.
And as for me, I am going to go be happy. Good luck with that, kiddo.
You're going to need it.
I had you confused with all the things you have the potential to be.
I had you confused with the possibilities.
I had you confused with someone who deep down, really did care a whole, awful lot.
And who knows. Maybe you do.
But you're a boy. You're a child. You don't know how to express yourself.
It comes out as anger. As rage. As malice. It comes out as barbs and daggers.
And as for me, I am going to go be happy. Good luck with that, kiddo.
You're going to need it.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Without
Love is silly. It's all just totally silly. I'm so much happier without you. You hold me back. I'm so much happier when I can just blossom and meet people and not have to worry, worry about so many things. You make life way more complicated and difficult, and you hurt my feelings, and you stress me out. And it's silly. I'm so much happier without you.
But still, all I want is to lay with you, to kiss your lips, forehead to forehead and chest to chest, to feel your heart beating, to feel the way mine starts to beat to your rhythm, or yours to mine, or both at once. Who can say. To cup your face in my hands and feel the way you feel against me, part of me, to slide one hand to the back of your head and hold you gently, close to me. The other, to run my thumb as soft as a butterfly wing across your bottom lip. Wonder that it's there. Kiss it. Then kiss it again. Feel like I belong somewhere. Feel like that place that I belong is you. And I'm finally starting to realize that that was only ever me. You never felt that in return. And that's why it hurts so much, but that's why it's easier to let go.
I'm happier without you.
But still, all I want is to lay with you, to kiss your lips, forehead to forehead and chest to chest, to feel your heart beating, to feel the way mine starts to beat to your rhythm, or yours to mine, or both at once. Who can say. To cup your face in my hands and feel the way you feel against me, part of me, to slide one hand to the back of your head and hold you gently, close to me. The other, to run my thumb as soft as a butterfly wing across your bottom lip. Wonder that it's there. Kiss it. Then kiss it again. Feel like I belong somewhere. Feel like that place that I belong is you. And I'm finally starting to realize that that was only ever me. You never felt that in return. And that's why it hurts so much, but that's why it's easier to let go.
I'm happier without you.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Alone
I thought we could just be friends. I know it's going to take some time. If you had enough self control to act like just a friend I know I could do this, this only being your friend thing. Not to say it won't be hard... every time I've gone to hang out with you as just friends I've ended up crying the whole drive home and beyond. Not because you did anything to make me cry, just because of what I've lost.
I've been so tired, because I can't sleep. I cry myself to sleep every damn night, and it's worse when I'm alone instead of with Kerstin. I can't sleep. I lay down and I try, but my heart literally hurts so bad it feels like my ribcage is being crushed, and I can't sleep. And I think that it's too bad it's not a headache, so I can take midol, and it's too bad it's not a stomach ache, so I can take pepto, and it's too bad it's not cramps, so I can take ibuprofen. What can you do when you can't sleep because your broken heart hurts? Not really much of anything. Cry it out and wait until you're so physically and emotionally exhausted that your body can no longer support you being awake, and pray that you stay asleep for more than a few hours. And then do it all again.
Don't you see? I need this to get easier. I can't keep doing this. And when you say things like, 'we need to amend the rule that says you can't be in my bed anymore,' when you say it's because I just got back from zumba and my legs hurt and I need you to rub them for me, when you lay there looking so beautiful I can't stand it, looking like everything I ever wanted, asking me to lay down beside you... I want that so bad. But I can't. Because I NEED this to get easier. I can't just be your fuck buddy, or your cuddle buddy, or whatever else to stave off the general loneliness either of us might feel. Because you are so much more to me than that, and now... feeling your touch, your presence, knowing that you're not mine, knowing that I can't have you... I'd rather be alone. Because that would kill me, right now. The world would end and noone would survive, least of all me.
I told you I didn't think laying down was a good idea. You said 'no it's ok,' as if I was saying that because I thought it wasn't okay with you. I was saying that because I think it's not a good idea. I can't take it. I can't get crushed anymore. Yanked around and crushed. And I said to you, 'you said you wanted to break up because you're happier alone, and if that's true then I don't understand why you're asking me to sleep here.' and you rolled away from me and mumbled that I was right and that you were sorry, and I was so tired I was staggering. and you just still looked so beautiful. I've never felt that before. Wanting someone so much and having them offer me exactly the thing I wanted so badly, and turning it down. Not even forcing myself to turn it down. Doing so because I genuinely could do nothing else. And then I said I was going to go and you looked so dejected and alone and I feel horrible about that but I know that it's not because you miss me or care about me, it's because you don't like being alone. I know it doesn't matter if it's me. But then I looked down at you and the words literally ripped through me, it's a miracle they didn't come out of my mouth. I LOVE YOU. It was like a gust of wind, a powerhouse tornado made up of those words, literally just blew threw me and left complete wreckage in its wake. Left me feeling empty. It hit me so hard, those words hit me so hard. More than they've ever done before. My soul screamed them so loud I felt them traveling through my body. And all I did was bend down, kiss your hair hard, and whisper, more to myself than to you, FUCK, I miss you. I didn't even mean to say it, it just came out. Better that than that I love you. I know you'd probably never want to be my friend if you knew I'd meant it. If you even believed me this time, which you probably wouldn't. Cried the whole way home. Cried cried cried. Cried myself to sleep. Woke up 2.5 hours later to try to get it off my chest. Here I am. I fucking hate this. I feel so alone.
I've been so tired, because I can't sleep. I cry myself to sleep every damn night, and it's worse when I'm alone instead of with Kerstin. I can't sleep. I lay down and I try, but my heart literally hurts so bad it feels like my ribcage is being crushed, and I can't sleep. And I think that it's too bad it's not a headache, so I can take midol, and it's too bad it's not a stomach ache, so I can take pepto, and it's too bad it's not cramps, so I can take ibuprofen. What can you do when you can't sleep because your broken heart hurts? Not really much of anything. Cry it out and wait until you're so physically and emotionally exhausted that your body can no longer support you being awake, and pray that you stay asleep for more than a few hours. And then do it all again.
Don't you see? I need this to get easier. I can't keep doing this. And when you say things like, 'we need to amend the rule that says you can't be in my bed anymore,' when you say it's because I just got back from zumba and my legs hurt and I need you to rub them for me, when you lay there looking so beautiful I can't stand it, looking like everything I ever wanted, asking me to lay down beside you... I want that so bad. But I can't. Because I NEED this to get easier. I can't just be your fuck buddy, or your cuddle buddy, or whatever else to stave off the general loneliness either of us might feel. Because you are so much more to me than that, and now... feeling your touch, your presence, knowing that you're not mine, knowing that I can't have you... I'd rather be alone. Because that would kill me, right now. The world would end and noone would survive, least of all me.
I told you I didn't think laying down was a good idea. You said 'no it's ok,' as if I was saying that because I thought it wasn't okay with you. I was saying that because I think it's not a good idea. I can't take it. I can't get crushed anymore. Yanked around and crushed. And I said to you, 'you said you wanted to break up because you're happier alone, and if that's true then I don't understand why you're asking me to sleep here.' and you rolled away from me and mumbled that I was right and that you were sorry, and I was so tired I was staggering. and you just still looked so beautiful. I've never felt that before. Wanting someone so much and having them offer me exactly the thing I wanted so badly, and turning it down. Not even forcing myself to turn it down. Doing so because I genuinely could do nothing else. And then I said I was going to go and you looked so dejected and alone and I feel horrible about that but I know that it's not because you miss me or care about me, it's because you don't like being alone. I know it doesn't matter if it's me. But then I looked down at you and the words literally ripped through me, it's a miracle they didn't come out of my mouth. I LOVE YOU. It was like a gust of wind, a powerhouse tornado made up of those words, literally just blew threw me and left complete wreckage in its wake. Left me feeling empty. It hit me so hard, those words hit me so hard. More than they've ever done before. My soul screamed them so loud I felt them traveling through my body. And all I did was bend down, kiss your hair hard, and whisper, more to myself than to you, FUCK, I miss you. I didn't even mean to say it, it just came out. Better that than that I love you. I know you'd probably never want to be my friend if you knew I'd meant it. If you even believed me this time, which you probably wouldn't. Cried the whole way home. Cried cried cried. Cried myself to sleep. Woke up 2.5 hours later to try to get it off my chest. Here I am. I fucking hate this. I feel so alone.
Monday, January 6, 2014
I still.
This really fucking sucks. Just so you know. I mean, I tried so hard. I tried to tell you so many things and I tried to show you so many things, and now I'm the one who ends up getting screwed over, just because you didn't believe me. It's not my fault that you didn't believe me. I tried to tell you.
I told you I loved you. You didn't believe me. I told you that I honestly just wanted the truth, that I just wanted you to tell me what you wanted. That if you didn't want to be with me it was okay but that you needed to tell me that. I needed to know. You thought I was just saying that I wanted to know, but that I really didn't. Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
This is really starting to sink in now. Is that really what you want? Is that really all you are? I mean, you said I'm the best girlfriend you've ever had but that you're happier alone right now, but then you immediately put your okcupid profile back up, which means that you're just lying to me again. I don't know why I keep believing you. The thing is, this time I have no right to have a say in whether you're seeing anyone. We're just fucking friends now, and that's not my business anymore. But I mean, you lied to me as a boyfriend and now you're lying to me as a friend and I don't know why I keep bothering. I do want you in my life. You do matter to me a lot. But this isn't fucking fair. This is not fucking fair. I wish you'd just fucking let me leave before. Why couldn't you have just fucking let me leave. I would be okay right now if you had. I wouldn't be feeling like this. You didn't want me, didn't want me, didn't want me, over and over, and when I finally said okay I can't do this I'll just go, you begged me to come back, you physically made yourself sick because I said if there was an emergency and noone could come besides me you could still call me, just because I fucking love you whether you're shitty as fuck to me or not, and I wanted to know nothing would happen to you with noone to be there. So instead of realizing that that was a really hard thing for me to offer and the only reason I did is because I'm fucking in love with you and that you should take that seriously, you fucking create an emergency 2 or 3 days later, making yourself physically fucking sick, and then call me out on it and say it's an emergency and you can't even move your head and noone can come and guilting me into coming when you know I"m fucking broken and seeing you is the worst possible thing at that time, and you give me this shit about how I must never have cared at all and how you're so sick and the one person you want to see won't talk to you and blah blah blah, which was SUCH a fucking shitty thing to do to me. I told you you're the only one I wanted, I told you I'd pick you and only you in a second, I told you I fucking loved you. And you just didn't want to stop seeing other people, and when I finally was at the point where my heart was being ripped to shreds daily at the thought of you off with other girls, when I finally was at that point where you'd just broken my heart as much as I could take, I said I was gonna go because I was so fucked up. You had fucked me up so bad. And then after I finally got away, after I finally tried to take my heart back and heal it because you fucked it up so bad, you did that. You made me come back, calling in a promise that you knew I wouldn't break because I always keep my word to you. Always. And then you asked me to be your fucking girlfriend. And then you just started to slowly push me away and got more and more distant and cold towards me and I begged you to just tell me the truth and tell me if this wasn't what you wanted, and you didn't say a word, and then when you finally, FINALLY, tell me the truth, that this isn't waht you wanted, even though YOU are the one who made me come back and YOU are the one who asked me to be with you, you can't even have the nuts to admit you were wrong and made a mistake, and I gave you so many opportunities to tell the truth. And finally when the truth comes out all you have to say to me is that, you didn't know that I ACTUALLY wanted to hear the truth? I'm pretty sure that's all I was saying to you on the matter for 2 months. You used to complain that I never talked to you but why the fuck should I if you're not going to believe a god damn word I say anyway. All you do is fuck me up. You have fucked me up so bad. God fucking dammit. And you know what? I still love you.
I told you I loved you. You didn't believe me. I told you that I honestly just wanted the truth, that I just wanted you to tell me what you wanted. That if you didn't want to be with me it was okay but that you needed to tell me that. I needed to know. You thought I was just saying that I wanted to know, but that I really didn't. Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
This is really starting to sink in now. Is that really what you want? Is that really all you are? I mean, you said I'm the best girlfriend you've ever had but that you're happier alone right now, but then you immediately put your okcupid profile back up, which means that you're just lying to me again. I don't know why I keep believing you. The thing is, this time I have no right to have a say in whether you're seeing anyone. We're just fucking friends now, and that's not my business anymore. But I mean, you lied to me as a boyfriend and now you're lying to me as a friend and I don't know why I keep bothering. I do want you in my life. You do matter to me a lot. But this isn't fucking fair. This is not fucking fair. I wish you'd just fucking let me leave before. Why couldn't you have just fucking let me leave. I would be okay right now if you had. I wouldn't be feeling like this. You didn't want me, didn't want me, didn't want me, over and over, and when I finally said okay I can't do this I'll just go, you begged me to come back, you physically made yourself sick because I said if there was an emergency and noone could come besides me you could still call me, just because I fucking love you whether you're shitty as fuck to me or not, and I wanted to know nothing would happen to you with noone to be there. So instead of realizing that that was a really hard thing for me to offer and the only reason I did is because I'm fucking in love with you and that you should take that seriously, you fucking create an emergency 2 or 3 days later, making yourself physically fucking sick, and then call me out on it and say it's an emergency and you can't even move your head and noone can come and guilting me into coming when you know I"m fucking broken and seeing you is the worst possible thing at that time, and you give me this shit about how I must never have cared at all and how you're so sick and the one person you want to see won't talk to you and blah blah blah, which was SUCH a fucking shitty thing to do to me. I told you you're the only one I wanted, I told you I'd pick you and only you in a second, I told you I fucking loved you. And you just didn't want to stop seeing other people, and when I finally was at the point where my heart was being ripped to shreds daily at the thought of you off with other girls, when I finally was at that point where you'd just broken my heart as much as I could take, I said I was gonna go because I was so fucked up. You had fucked me up so bad. And then after I finally got away, after I finally tried to take my heart back and heal it because you fucked it up so bad, you did that. You made me come back, calling in a promise that you knew I wouldn't break because I always keep my word to you. Always. And then you asked me to be your fucking girlfriend. And then you just started to slowly push me away and got more and more distant and cold towards me and I begged you to just tell me the truth and tell me if this wasn't what you wanted, and you didn't say a word, and then when you finally, FINALLY, tell me the truth, that this isn't waht you wanted, even though YOU are the one who made me come back and YOU are the one who asked me to be with you, you can't even have the nuts to admit you were wrong and made a mistake, and I gave you so many opportunities to tell the truth. And finally when the truth comes out all you have to say to me is that, you didn't know that I ACTUALLY wanted to hear the truth? I'm pretty sure that's all I was saying to you on the matter for 2 months. You used to complain that I never talked to you but why the fuck should I if you're not going to believe a god damn word I say anyway. All you do is fuck me up. You have fucked me up so bad. God fucking dammit. And you know what? I still love you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)