Clinically Normal is for Obituaries

We're all a little bit crazy. Nobody could go visit a shrink and lay bare every nuance of their soul and come out of it diagnosed "normal." Some of us just hide it better than others.

Sometimes we get tired of trying to be normal, when nobody even knows what that is.

That's why I'm letting it all out, around you. I'm not trying to hide it anymore, I'm not trying to hide anything. It's bigger than you think.

I think I'm trying to see if I can drive you away. I think I'm testing you to see if my honest abnormalities are enough to scare you, to make you think I'm crazy, to make you want to leave.

I'm not sure if I'm doing it because I want you to leave or if it's because I want to make sure you're worth keeping.

Maybe I'm just doing it in the hopes that I'll find there is one person on earth who can accept me.

Oh, wow. That is quite terrifying.

Everything you are

You always pick the ones who you know are going to hurt you. Not because they're mean, or spiteful, or controlling... but just because they don't care. They don't really care about you one way or another. Sometimes they barely notice you. And then suddenly they're gone. You always pick those ones.

It's not because nobody else wants to be there.

I always thought you were just sabotaging yourself but then, I guess you can't pick who you love.

I wish you loved someone who thought you were special.

You're special.

The Simple Truth

I already know this. I already know.

You tell me, "I'm only telling you this because it took me twenty years to learn it. I just want to make it easier for you than it was for me. If you can just learn from my mistakes... but, if you can't, I understand."

I already know it's truth. I just can't act on it.

I can't get over what happened. In the ugly places inside of me I feel like you haven't suffered enough for the pain you caused me.

I love you. And I want to be with you in the long run. And yes, I do know that until I can make a leap of faith, decide to believe you, stop holding it against you, it will never work between us. I do know that if I never let it go I've as good as lost you already. I understand that concept. I'm not even really that angry about what happened anymore.

But I remember the pain, the suffering, the lies. I remember that feeling of wishing I was dead.

And I just don't feel like you've bled enough inside yet.

Like it shouldn't be that easy for what you did to just go away.

But I know it's not fair of me to keep pulling you close softly and then cutting you with that blade, over and over again. Acting like everything's okay and then pulling that on you when you least expect it.

I just can't forgive you yet. But I can't lose you either.

Maybe I'm the one who doesn't know how to love properly.

Atlas Trembled Violently

Yeah, I guess I do kind of want to. Which is weird because I've never thought of you that way before. I do want to. But you know? I really can't. It would break her heart because I know how she feels about you. I love her, and I'm not going to lie to her.

The thing that really bothers me about it is having to lie, having to tell you it's because I don't want to. I'm so sick of having to pretend I feel things I don't feel, and having to pretend that I don't feel things I do. I just want to feel how I feel. I'm so sick of lying about it, I'm so sick of smoothing things over, hiding, pretending. Why the fuck can't I just feel how I feel for once? And now that I finally want to, with someone, since I lost him, why did it have to be you, the one person I can't share that with?

I'm so tired of pretending.

But I'll do it, just this one more time.

I don't want to let her down.