I'm scared, dammit. Four months isn't that long. I'm not ready.
You might not even be there. God, I would feel so stupid if you weren't even there.
I hate this. I hate that it never went away. It's been almost 20 years and it just never went away.
It makes me wonder what kind of heart I have. It found something and it never let it go. It let everything else in the world go except for this one thing. It still reminds me when I dream at night, just when I've finally almost forgotten. I'll go to sleep, and there you are. I wish it would let me forget altogether. That would be better for me.
I fell in love with you when I was 10 years old and I've never loved anybody like that since.
I've loved. I've loved so much I thought it would burn me up. I thought I was being born again out of the ashes like a myth. I've loved so deeply and so completely. But this, you, are just the one that never went away.
If a stranger told me they felt this way, or if I read it in a book, I might even think it was creepy. Good god, I'd think to myself, you don't even know this person. You haven't known anything about them since you were children. What's wrong with you? You need to get a grip on yourself. It's ridiculous to romanticize a person that you don't even know anymore this way! You're just running away from life and this is a convenient excuse to help you do it because nothing will ever come of it, so you can just keep on living in a fantasy land instead of learning that the person you idolize is human just like everybody else. You only still feel this way because you never knew them well enough for them to have a chance to disappoint you.
That's what I'd think.
I'd think it was pathetic.
I wish it wasn't still living inside of me. These dreams make me ache with sadness, with the feeling that something is so deeply missing.
You were the first, and even if I never see you again, you'll likely be the last. Even if you're not real. Even if I just invented you in my head and projected you onto the first person who showed a little bit of kindness. I guess there's no way for me to know.
