For now

I think I'm going to do what she suggested.

I better back up.

I want to have more time with you.

I know I don't know you that well yet.

I'd like to.

I think maybe I'd like to know you that well.

Maybe it's better for it to be this way.

Maybe I just need to learn the way that things should be, so that when I finally find it, I recognize it.

Maybe that's what you're here for.

It scares me, knowing that I might let myself want something that I'll have to give up.

I'll take my time.

I'll make it about myself, this time.

Not just about somebody else.

I like holding your hand.

I'd like to keep doing it, at least for a little while.

Being with you feels good, and it feels easy, and it feels comfortable.

It makes me feel happy.

So I'll do that until I can't do it anymore.

Thanks.

Not going anywhere

I feel really weird.

I've been so excited about meeting this new guy, and thinking about him all the time and feeling really happy and stuff. And this just hit me really hard.

I just don't really think about it. I mean, all along when you give me a hug it just feels like I'm where I'm supposed to be. Maybe it sounds weird but when I smell the way that you smell it just all seems right. I'm supposed to have you around, and vice versa.

I didn't mean anything weird by inviting you to meet my family. I just thought they've met all my best friends but you and it'd be fun. But seeing you and my dad off in a corner having your own conversation, and the way my dad kept shooting me these curious looks, and the way my brother sat right next to you on the couch and sang along when you were playing Hallelujah even though he normally wouldn't do that when he just met someone, and you hitting it off with Miranda, I don't know. You really just clicked with them. And it, I don't know. It kind of felt like I was bringing a boyfriend to meet them. But not just a boyfriend. Fuck, I don't know.

I think if you and I ever get together we won't ever split up. If we get together I think we'd end up getting married. And we're both young, and you're not going anywhere, and I'm not going anywhere, and maybe someday. But it's just weird to be aware of it all of a sudden. It was easy before when we were pretending we didn't think about us being together anymore. I thought you didn't think about it anymore, I really did. I thought you were over it. We had the whole talk about being friends and calling it at that and you seemed really sure of it last fall. You're not. You still. And so do I.

I feel this sinking feeling. I wish I were with you now. I know there's no hurry and we've got plenty of time and we should just keep being friends and maybe someday when the time is right, who knows. But fuck me if it wasn't a lot easier during this past year when I could just pretend that we both weren't thinking about it anymore. You had a crack in your armor tonight and I saw through it in a second.

I love you so much.

I'm not going anywhere.

P.S.

You looked upset, really upset, for a moment standing in the driveway, and you started to say something but then you stopped and looked off in the distance. And I asked what was wrong and if it was because you were late meeting your dad, even though I didn't think it was that. You said no, it's not that.

Sorry that I couldn't look you in the eye when you said that. To be honest it was because I was afraid if I looked you in the eye one of us was going to kiss the other one, or both of us were going to kiss each other at the same time. And I thought if that happened, in that moment, I wouldn't have enough self control to stop myself. So I just kept my eyes firmly averted and gave you a hug.