Reasons why this is actually a good thing:
1. He's a drug dealer
2. He doesn't really have any skills besides being a drug dealer and he never finished college, and
3. He isn't careful about things at all and will most likely get caught at some point. I mean, he got a fucking DUI, his license is suspended. And still the other day he had 3 or 4 big drinks at Mimosa's when you went for brunch and you offered to drive because you hadn't had so much as a sip of one drink, and he declined. He drove after drinking a bunch on a suspended license, literally for no reason, with a sober licensed driver who was willing to drive in the front seat. He could have lost everything. He just doesn't think, or he doesn't care, or something.
4. He wants to have a shit load of kids and you don't, especially because
5. You don't want to be the baby mama to a drug dealer who is in prison for who knows how long and end up a single mom taking care of a bunch of kids in the country. Like holy shit you've worked so hard to be independent and financially stable/well off, why would you risk everything you've ever worked for. Maybe Scott can do this his whole life and not get caught but that's because Scott is careful. Tunny is the exact opposite of careful, he's a total drama queen.
6. You don't even know for sure whether you want kids or not
7. He says shit like "I wasn't meant to be a killer" when breaking up with you, which is so childish, like are you a twelve year old watching gangster movies? What the fuck? lol
8. The strip club obsession
9. He's really easily influenced by other people and will do things he doesn't necessarily want to do just so people think highly of him / so people will think he's cool. You can't depend on someone like that
10. He avoids all of his problems instead of learning to face them. Including you
11. He's self centered. It's all about "would you consider moving out to the country" "Would you want to have kids" "this this this" "that that that" and never once did he say he would be willing to give anything up to be with you. It was all about "here's my dream and my vision, are you willing to change the shape of yourself to fit into my puzzle." He never once thought about giving anything of his up to fit into your dreams or life. He sees himself as the protagonist and he's looking for a sidekick. That's all.
12. He's an alcoholic
I'm going to add more as I go because this is actually really helpful.
Look. I know there's a lot of things about him that work really well for you. He's fun, he's personable, he's outgoing, he's very kind, and he's funny, and he's thoughtful, and he's gracious and appreciative and protective and loving. There's a lot of good things. I get that. But look. He is not the only man in the world who is those things. You can and you will find someone who has those qualities without you worrying about sacrificing your freedom to support their dreams when they don't even treat those dreams, or you, with care. If you go along with this and stick by him, aware of all of that, then that makes you just as careless as he is. And you're not. You're not careless at all. You know I'm right.
Tuesday, December 17, 2019
Sunday, December 15, 2019
I don't understand
I can't believe I lost you.
There was something about you being there that I believed. It felt like you were supposed to be there. I've literally never felt that way about another person before. It wasn't like, an emotion. It wasn't some projection from love or my feelings or anything like that. It was something totally separate. I just knew in my bones that you were supposed to be there.
I remember when we were driving back from New Mexico, we were out in the desert and I was driving the truck. I was trying to get to a gas station but I turned too early, and you told me to drive the truck up this steep ass sandy hill to get to the gas station parking lot, instead of turning around. I did it and I was just laughing my ass off driving up this sandpile in the desert sun. I don't know. I felt so free. Like we could just do anything and we wouldn't ever have to turn around. Like taking a wrong turn could be something that you remember in a good way.
I went into the gas station while you were putting gas in the truck and bought cigarettes. There was a coffee bar inside, so I was waiting in line to get a drink, just standing there with my cigarettes. It's so funny because a lot of times important moments happen so randomly, in the most nondescript places, for no particular reason. But you walked in the door, and I looked up and saw you there. We walked towards each other and I stepped in and wrapped my arms around you and put my head on your shoulder. And I swear to God I just had this feeling in my whole body like I would be standing in random places holding you for the rest of my life. Like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Like I would never have to doubt again if it was the right person because it simply was. I'd found you. It absolutely shook me.
But I lost you. That can't be right. That doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense.
There was something about you being there that I believed. It felt like you were supposed to be there. I've literally never felt that way about another person before. It wasn't like, an emotion. It wasn't some projection from love or my feelings or anything like that. It was something totally separate. I just knew in my bones that you were supposed to be there.
I remember when we were driving back from New Mexico, we were out in the desert and I was driving the truck. I was trying to get to a gas station but I turned too early, and you told me to drive the truck up this steep ass sandy hill to get to the gas station parking lot, instead of turning around. I did it and I was just laughing my ass off driving up this sandpile in the desert sun. I don't know. I felt so free. Like we could just do anything and we wouldn't ever have to turn around. Like taking a wrong turn could be something that you remember in a good way.
I went into the gas station while you were putting gas in the truck and bought cigarettes. There was a coffee bar inside, so I was waiting in line to get a drink, just standing there with my cigarettes. It's so funny because a lot of times important moments happen so randomly, in the most nondescript places, for no particular reason. But you walked in the door, and I looked up and saw you there. We walked towards each other and I stepped in and wrapped my arms around you and put my head on your shoulder. And I swear to God I just had this feeling in my whole body like I would be standing in random places holding you for the rest of my life. Like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Like I would never have to doubt again if it was the right person because it simply was. I'd found you. It absolutely shook me.
But I lost you. That can't be right. That doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense.
That's it.
Well. I finally went and did it. I knew he was going to be leaving for a month in January, but I didn't really put two and two together about him going to new york and then hawaii first. I wish he'd been more honest with me. Honestly, I thought he was going to ask me to come to new york with him. He asked me if I wanted to go a couple months ago but then never brought it up again, but I thought he was going to. In my head I was thinking, yeah it sucks that he'll be gone for a month but we'll get to spend most of winter break together, and I can wait a month, and it'll be okay.
I was totally wrong. Holy shit @ how wrong I was.
I don't know. I honestly do understand why he feels like he needs to focus on himself and work through his issues and figure out what he wants and needs in life. His best friend died and he's had a hard year/life and like.. okay. That makes sense. You don't want to be in a relationship right now. But why the fuck didn't you tell me that to begin with? You were introducing me to people as "your girl" and asking me if I would ever want to have kids, and all kinds of shit. You took me to meet all your friends and family in the state. If you knew you didn't want a relationship you should not have been behaving that way. Those aren't things you do with someone when it's just casual. It's like you wanted the security and tenderness of a relationship to help ease some of your hurt up until you were ready to go deal with it, but you allowed me to believe that it was something it wasn't.
And not only that, when we were driving to Scott's for breakfast a few weeks ago, your friend called you on the phone and asked what you were up to and you said something about, going to get breakfast with my lady. And the friend was like oh wow you have a girlfriend? Congrats! That's great. And you were like yeah thanks. And then when you got off the phone you looked at me and said "Are you my lady?" And I said "let's talk about it" and you said "ok we'll talk about it." But we obviously couldn't right then because we were pulling up to Scott's and we were already late. And then you just never brought it up again. But like, why did you phrase that as a question!? If you say it that way, it makes it sound like it's open to discussion, like it could go either way. But now you're telling me you knew this whole time that you weren't ready for that. The degree to which you misled me is just... it's just really bad.
If my feelings toward you were clearly pretty low key or casual or whatever it still wouldn't be great but it would be slightly more understandable. But I think it's pretty obvious to literally anyone who has seen me with you in the history of ever that I'm in love with you. You should have told me this a long, long time ago. You should have told me this before New Mexico if we're being honest. If you knew this was a hard and fast line you should have clearly communicated it before anyone caught feelings, so that I could at least make a decision or act based on the facts.
You not wanting to be in a relationship given your circumstances is truly understandable, that's not the problem. I don't understand why you did this. I know you probably just didn't want to lose me and you've been feeling numb for a long time and being around me made you feel something and you needed that and you couldn't bring yourself to tell me and lose me. I get that. But if you really cared about me you would have done it anyway. You had a choice between hurting yourself or hurting me and you chose to hurt me, even if it was a subconscious choice. That was the choice you made. Doesn't really sound like boyfriend, husband, or father material.
If you ever come back, I'll have a lot of questions for you, and you better hope I like your answers. That's all, I guess.
I was totally wrong. Holy shit @ how wrong I was.
I don't know. I honestly do understand why he feels like he needs to focus on himself and work through his issues and figure out what he wants and needs in life. His best friend died and he's had a hard year/life and like.. okay. That makes sense. You don't want to be in a relationship right now. But why the fuck didn't you tell me that to begin with? You were introducing me to people as "your girl" and asking me if I would ever want to have kids, and all kinds of shit. You took me to meet all your friends and family in the state. If you knew you didn't want a relationship you should not have been behaving that way. Those aren't things you do with someone when it's just casual. It's like you wanted the security and tenderness of a relationship to help ease some of your hurt up until you were ready to go deal with it, but you allowed me to believe that it was something it wasn't.
And not only that, when we were driving to Scott's for breakfast a few weeks ago, your friend called you on the phone and asked what you were up to and you said something about, going to get breakfast with my lady. And the friend was like oh wow you have a girlfriend? Congrats! That's great. And you were like yeah thanks. And then when you got off the phone you looked at me and said "Are you my lady?" And I said "let's talk about it" and you said "ok we'll talk about it." But we obviously couldn't right then because we were pulling up to Scott's and we were already late. And then you just never brought it up again. But like, why did you phrase that as a question!? If you say it that way, it makes it sound like it's open to discussion, like it could go either way. But now you're telling me you knew this whole time that you weren't ready for that. The degree to which you misled me is just... it's just really bad.
If my feelings toward you were clearly pretty low key or casual or whatever it still wouldn't be great but it would be slightly more understandable. But I think it's pretty obvious to literally anyone who has seen me with you in the history of ever that I'm in love with you. You should have told me this a long, long time ago. You should have told me this before New Mexico if we're being honest. If you knew this was a hard and fast line you should have clearly communicated it before anyone caught feelings, so that I could at least make a decision or act based on the facts.
You not wanting to be in a relationship given your circumstances is truly understandable, that's not the problem. I don't understand why you did this. I know you probably just didn't want to lose me and you've been feeling numb for a long time and being around me made you feel something and you needed that and you couldn't bring yourself to tell me and lose me. I get that. But if you really cared about me you would have done it anyway. You had a choice between hurting yourself or hurting me and you chose to hurt me, even if it was a subconscious choice. That was the choice you made. Doesn't really sound like boyfriend, husband, or father material.
If you ever come back, I'll have a lot of questions for you, and you better hope I like your answers. That's all, I guess.
Thursday, November 7, 2019
Hmm. Fuck?
I really hope this is safe because I'm trying so hard not to fall in love with you and I don't know how long I'll be able to control it.
I honestly think we're compatible as fuck, I just don't know if our plans for the future coincide and if they don't, falling in love with you is a stupid fucking idea because it'll just lead to heartbreak eventually.
God dammit. Why do you have to be so wonderful. You are not making this easy.
You make me feel so fucking happy.
I honestly think we're compatible as fuck, I just don't know if our plans for the future coincide and if they don't, falling in love with you is a stupid fucking idea because it'll just lead to heartbreak eventually.
God dammit. Why do you have to be so wonderful. You are not making this easy.
You make me feel so fucking happy.
Sunday, October 27, 2019
Good talk
Okay I'm posting this in the same night as the previous one, once I had some time to cool down.
Yeah it was a dumb thing to do. But I really don't know how inebriated you were. Your tolerance is way, way higher than mine and you might really have been fine. It was stupid to try driving on halloween weekend if you'd had anything to drink at all, just because of the fact that cops would obviously be trying to trap people, but you know. It's not like I've never done anything stupid like that. I do shit like that all the time. I have 2-3 drinks at Atlantis over the course of 4 hours every single week and then drive home, because I feel fine. I'm sure you felt fine too. You just picked a stupid night to do that. But it's also not fair for me to make judgements really, because I'm a white chick. I literally yelled at a cop, while I was sitting in my running car that I'd pulled over in the middle of the road, without my ID on me, without even thinking about it because I was frustrated that I couldn't get out of Sellwood because of a marathon going on. I literally don't even remember the last time I got pulled over. I can't know what it's like for you. It's not fair for me to get so angry. I do the same exact thing every fucking week. I was just upset because 1) you didn't tell me for a whole day, and I think that hurt my feelings because lately when shit happens you're the first person I want to tell and I was butt hurt that you don't feel the same way. 2) You didn't act like getting arrested was a big deal and to me it is. Maybe you were a lot more rattled than you let on though, I can't know that either. 3) You said you weren't planning on driving home from Ashland but you didn't tell me what you were planning on doing instead, and I'm just generally sick and not feeling well and my brain went straight to 'maybe he was planning on crashing with a girl'. Like I didn't even fully flesh that thought out in my head, it was just kind of there in the background and I didn't want to admit I was thinking it because I think jealousy is unattractive and embarrassing. But it's my fucking blog and if I can't be honest with myself who can I be honest with. But even that isn't fair, who knows, maybe you were maybe you weren't but you're not my boyfriend and if I don't want you doing anything with other girls then it's my job to communicate that that's how I feel, which I haven't done. Idk, it's weird because like, of course I don't want you doing that, but I feel like it's way too soon to take it there. So like, I'm just not doing anything with anyone else and kind of hoping you're not either but not actually telling you that. Which is stupid and maybe immature but I just want to take it slow and not get too serious too fast. Like I want the seriousness without the label of the seriousness, just while we're figuring shit out, but I don't know what you want and I don't want to come on too strong. But also, if you are hooking up with other people I would want to know because I'd start doing the same thing so that I wouldn't get too attached or feel hurt/jealous about it. I should probably talk to you about this but fuck I don't want to. It's not that I'm not capable of having this conversation, I just feel like it hasn't been long enough to have it and I'm not even sure if I want to firmly establish that we're not hooking up with other people because you doing things like getting arrested so nonchalantly makes me unsure about you. I just want you to not do that and me to not do that while I figure out if you're a safe egg basket.
Hmm. The fact that I had a list of 3 things that I was upset about and I rambled about one of them for like a page kind of tells me that maybe that was the thing I was bothered about the most. Could that really be it? I was mad because y'all got me sick and I thought, here I am coughing up my lungs because of you and stuck at home on halloween weekend while everyone else has fun, and you're just off partying and getting duis with cute chicks.
Yep that's it that's what really ticked me off.
Well that's not fair. I can't just assume a bunch of shit. I think you like me. I like you. If I want to wait to have that conversation then that's on me, I can't hold you accountable for that.
Alright, cool. Good talk, self.
Yeah it was a dumb thing to do. But I really don't know how inebriated you were. Your tolerance is way, way higher than mine and you might really have been fine. It was stupid to try driving on halloween weekend if you'd had anything to drink at all, just because of the fact that cops would obviously be trying to trap people, but you know. It's not like I've never done anything stupid like that. I do shit like that all the time. I have 2-3 drinks at Atlantis over the course of 4 hours every single week and then drive home, because I feel fine. I'm sure you felt fine too. You just picked a stupid night to do that. But it's also not fair for me to make judgements really, because I'm a white chick. I literally yelled at a cop, while I was sitting in my running car that I'd pulled over in the middle of the road, without my ID on me, without even thinking about it because I was frustrated that I couldn't get out of Sellwood because of a marathon going on. I literally don't even remember the last time I got pulled over. I can't know what it's like for you. It's not fair for me to get so angry. I do the same exact thing every fucking week. I was just upset because 1) you didn't tell me for a whole day, and I think that hurt my feelings because lately when shit happens you're the first person I want to tell and I was butt hurt that you don't feel the same way. 2) You didn't act like getting arrested was a big deal and to me it is. Maybe you were a lot more rattled than you let on though, I can't know that either. 3) You said you weren't planning on driving home from Ashland but you didn't tell me what you were planning on doing instead, and I'm just generally sick and not feeling well and my brain went straight to 'maybe he was planning on crashing with a girl'. Like I didn't even fully flesh that thought out in my head, it was just kind of there in the background and I didn't want to admit I was thinking it because I think jealousy is unattractive and embarrassing. But it's my fucking blog and if I can't be honest with myself who can I be honest with. But even that isn't fair, who knows, maybe you were maybe you weren't but you're not my boyfriend and if I don't want you doing anything with other girls then it's my job to communicate that that's how I feel, which I haven't done. Idk, it's weird because like, of course I don't want you doing that, but I feel like it's way too soon to take it there. So like, I'm just not doing anything with anyone else and kind of hoping you're not either but not actually telling you that. Which is stupid and maybe immature but I just want to take it slow and not get too serious too fast. Like I want the seriousness without the label of the seriousness, just while we're figuring shit out, but I don't know what you want and I don't want to come on too strong. But also, if you are hooking up with other people I would want to know because I'd start doing the same thing so that I wouldn't get too attached or feel hurt/jealous about it. I should probably talk to you about this but fuck I don't want to. It's not that I'm not capable of having this conversation, I just feel like it hasn't been long enough to have it and I'm not even sure if I want to firmly establish that we're not hooking up with other people because you doing things like getting arrested so nonchalantly makes me unsure about you. I just want you to not do that and me to not do that while I figure out if you're a safe egg basket.
Hmm. The fact that I had a list of 3 things that I was upset about and I rambled about one of them for like a page kind of tells me that maybe that was the thing I was bothered about the most. Could that really be it? I was mad because y'all got me sick and I thought, here I am coughing up my lungs because of you and stuck at home on halloween weekend while everyone else has fun, and you're just off partying and getting duis with cute chicks.
Yep that's it that's what really ticked me off.
Well that's not fair. I can't just assume a bunch of shit. I think you like me. I like you. If I want to wait to have that conversation then that's on me, I can't hold you accountable for that.
Alright, cool. Good talk, self.
Saturday, October 26, 2019
Anger
I don't know what to do with you. Maybe I should just call the whole thing off.
I don't know how someone can be so together and responsible at times and so irresponsible and messy at others.
I just want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you.
Like what the fuck were you thinking! Your BEST FRIEND just died from drinking and driving, and you get behind the wheel when you've been drinking? I don't CARE that it was only three blocks! It's almost WORSE that it was only three blocks because there was literally no reason for you to do it! Why the fuck couldn't you just have walked if you were going three blocks away?
And how you're so casual about it. Like you didn't even bother mentioning it to me until 24 hours later. If it were me I would've been upset, I would've wanted to talk about it. It's like getting arrested is no big deal to you. I believe you that you didn't really go in the bike lane and that cops were trying to trap people. I do. I believe you. But you'd obviously been drinking or you wouldn't have refused to have your BAL tested. If you hadn't been drinking it would've proven it and they would've had to let you go without a DUI. And it's HALLOWEEN WEEKEND. Everyone knows they try to trap people on Halloween weekend!! And I also believe that you were probably profiled as a poc. I know that's not fair but the getting arrested is not what I'm upset about! I'm upset about the fact that you would fucking get behind the wheel and put yourself in danger within like a fucking month of Jazz's memorial. Like what the fuck are you thinking, how could you be so stupid? And you were in Ashland too, which is where you guys were driving home from when he died! I asked you if you'd been planning on driving home to Grants Pass that night after the afterparty and you said no, but you didn't tell me what you'd been planning on doing instead, and you've obviously made that drive drunk before, so how the fuck do I know if that's true?
Like how the fuck do you plan on doing whatever it is you're trying to do, building your fucking empire or compound or whatever the fuck it is you want to do, and telling people you want to start having a shitload of kids in a couple years? How is that something you seriously think is going to happen when you're running around like a fucking child getting arrested for driving drunk? Grow the fuck up.
I'm just fucking pissed off. You probably thought you were going to get all kinds of sympathy from me but you're not. You did a fucking stupid thing and I'm fucking angry. I'm so sick of this. I am not going to date another fucking irresponsible, immature, selfish asshole again. Not going to do it. How the fuck do you think people would feel if something happened to you? You just going to make a shitload of people feel the way you felt when Jazz died, you going to risk that, and you don't even care? No? It's no big deal? Fuck that.
I'm not doing this again. I'm not dating that guy again. I have worked too long and too hard to build a life for myself and I'm not going to throw it away on some douchebag who doesn't give a shit about anything.
Maybe it is because you're really depressed. I'm not saying that's not valid. I understand how being really depressed makes people act selfishly. But that doesn't mean I have to be involved. Understanding doesn't mean I have to put up with something if it negatively impacts me.
This just really fucking sucks. I don't think I can do this. You just don't have your shit together and I'm too grown for this.
I don't know how someone can be so together and responsible at times and so irresponsible and messy at others.
I just want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you.
Like what the fuck were you thinking! Your BEST FRIEND just died from drinking and driving, and you get behind the wheel when you've been drinking? I don't CARE that it was only three blocks! It's almost WORSE that it was only three blocks because there was literally no reason for you to do it! Why the fuck couldn't you just have walked if you were going three blocks away?
And how you're so casual about it. Like you didn't even bother mentioning it to me until 24 hours later. If it were me I would've been upset, I would've wanted to talk about it. It's like getting arrested is no big deal to you. I believe you that you didn't really go in the bike lane and that cops were trying to trap people. I do. I believe you. But you'd obviously been drinking or you wouldn't have refused to have your BAL tested. If you hadn't been drinking it would've proven it and they would've had to let you go without a DUI. And it's HALLOWEEN WEEKEND. Everyone knows they try to trap people on Halloween weekend!! And I also believe that you were probably profiled as a poc. I know that's not fair but the getting arrested is not what I'm upset about! I'm upset about the fact that you would fucking get behind the wheel and put yourself in danger within like a fucking month of Jazz's memorial. Like what the fuck are you thinking, how could you be so stupid? And you were in Ashland too, which is where you guys were driving home from when he died! I asked you if you'd been planning on driving home to Grants Pass that night after the afterparty and you said no, but you didn't tell me what you'd been planning on doing instead, and you've obviously made that drive drunk before, so how the fuck do I know if that's true?
Like how the fuck do you plan on doing whatever it is you're trying to do, building your fucking empire or compound or whatever the fuck it is you want to do, and telling people you want to start having a shitload of kids in a couple years? How is that something you seriously think is going to happen when you're running around like a fucking child getting arrested for driving drunk? Grow the fuck up.
I'm just fucking pissed off. You probably thought you were going to get all kinds of sympathy from me but you're not. You did a fucking stupid thing and I'm fucking angry. I'm so sick of this. I am not going to date another fucking irresponsible, immature, selfish asshole again. Not going to do it. How the fuck do you think people would feel if something happened to you? You just going to make a shitload of people feel the way you felt when Jazz died, you going to risk that, and you don't even care? No? It's no big deal? Fuck that.
I'm not doing this again. I'm not dating that guy again. I have worked too long and too hard to build a life for myself and I'm not going to throw it away on some douchebag who doesn't give a shit about anything.
Maybe it is because you're really depressed. I'm not saying that's not valid. I understand how being really depressed makes people act selfishly. But that doesn't mean I have to be involved. Understanding doesn't mean I have to put up with something if it negatively impacts me.
This just really fucking sucks. I don't think I can do this. You just don't have your shit together and I'm too grown for this.
Sunday, October 6, 2019
Wakefulness
I am so thankful that we didn't work out. You have no idea.
I kept thinking that what we had was so special and so good, and that's why I was determined to fight for it even when I was miserable.
But I've met this person. And even if I never saw him again as long as I lived, the short few weeks I've spent with him made me realize that you were all wrong for me.
See, when I'm with you I'm content to lay around and complain about being sick and watch TV and play video games, and I feel dull like an old knife.
When I'm with him, I want to live. I feel so fucking alive when I'm with him. I want to play the piano. I want to write songs. I want to throw caution to the wind and take off to anywhere that strikes my fancy. I want to finally move out of my mom's house and get my own place. I want to meet new people, try new things, go new places. I feel so wild and free when I'm with him, like I can do anything and like the time to do it is now.
I never felt that way with you. I felt like I was coasting, or settling. I felt old.
I'm so happy I met him. I've learned not to hold on to things, and not to need things. Especially things that you can't control that other people can decide to take away. So I hope he stays, but even if he doesn't. Even if he doesn't. I'm so happy I met him.
I love who I am when I'm with him. I feel so myself when I'm with him. So fucking alive.
I think of him and me, driving down the highway. Me, rolling down the window and screaming "Shit, it's good to be alive!!" at the scenery flying by. I want to feel that way, always. I don't want to be that dull knife ever again. I want to feel the way I feel when I'm with him, even if he doesn't stay. It's like I was sleeping and he woke me up.
I kept thinking that what we had was so special and so good, and that's why I was determined to fight for it even when I was miserable.
But I've met this person. And even if I never saw him again as long as I lived, the short few weeks I've spent with him made me realize that you were all wrong for me.
See, when I'm with you I'm content to lay around and complain about being sick and watch TV and play video games, and I feel dull like an old knife.
When I'm with him, I want to live. I feel so fucking alive when I'm with him. I want to play the piano. I want to write songs. I want to throw caution to the wind and take off to anywhere that strikes my fancy. I want to finally move out of my mom's house and get my own place. I want to meet new people, try new things, go new places. I feel so wild and free when I'm with him, like I can do anything and like the time to do it is now.
I never felt that way with you. I felt like I was coasting, or settling. I felt old.
I'm so happy I met him. I've learned not to hold on to things, and not to need things. Especially things that you can't control that other people can decide to take away. So I hope he stays, but even if he doesn't. Even if he doesn't. I'm so happy I met him.
I love who I am when I'm with him. I feel so myself when I'm with him. So fucking alive.
I think of him and me, driving down the highway. Me, rolling down the window and screaming "Shit, it's good to be alive!!" at the scenery flying by. I want to feel that way, always. I don't want to be that dull knife ever again. I want to feel the way I feel when I'm with him, even if he doesn't stay. It's like I was sleeping and he woke me up.
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
I am really mad at you
I am so fucking mad at you for not being better.
It only really hit me today that we're done. It didn't bother me before. I guess it still doesn't bother me, at least in the sense of wishing I could be back with you. I don't wish that. I just wish you'd been better.
You had so many chances for six years, and you didn't even try. You didn't even fucking try. You just talked out your ass and sat around and did nothing.
I'm so fucking mad at you.
It could have been different. I'm in bed playing crashlands listening to the weather happening outside. It's getting cold out. It takes me back to 4 years ago when I was doing the exact same thing, but in your bed instead of mine. Laying under the blankets in our pajamas with our feet linked together. I remembered how happy I felt, and how peaceful.
We could have had everything. I'm so angry.
It was stupid how much I loved you. It ended up being such a waste.
You know what'll make me even madder? If you don't go on and find a way to be happy.
You couldn't do it when you were with me. God fucking knows I tried.
You never realized that that was the only god damn thing that I wanted.
Whatever. You didn't try. You didn't care whether or not you were happy, so you didn't care about me. If you'd cared about me, you would have cared about the one fucking thing that I wanted.
So what. You couldn't do it with me. Just fucking do it, please.
It'll be ten times the waste if you don't. You won't just be wasting my time, or our relationship.
You won't be wasting the most love I've ever felt for another human being.
You'll be wasting your whole self.
Don't fucking do that. Jesus christ.
It only really hit me today that we're done. It didn't bother me before. I guess it still doesn't bother me, at least in the sense of wishing I could be back with you. I don't wish that. I just wish you'd been better.
You had so many chances for six years, and you didn't even try. You didn't even fucking try. You just talked out your ass and sat around and did nothing.
I'm so fucking mad at you.
It could have been different. I'm in bed playing crashlands listening to the weather happening outside. It's getting cold out. It takes me back to 4 years ago when I was doing the exact same thing, but in your bed instead of mine. Laying under the blankets in our pajamas with our feet linked together. I remembered how happy I felt, and how peaceful.
We could have had everything. I'm so angry.
It was stupid how much I loved you. It ended up being such a waste.
You know what'll make me even madder? If you don't go on and find a way to be happy.
You couldn't do it when you were with me. God fucking knows I tried.
You never realized that that was the only god damn thing that I wanted.
Whatever. You didn't try. You didn't care whether or not you were happy, so you didn't care about me. If you'd cared about me, you would have cared about the one fucking thing that I wanted.
So what. You couldn't do it with me. Just fucking do it, please.
It'll be ten times the waste if you don't. You won't just be wasting my time, or our relationship.
You won't be wasting the most love I've ever felt for another human being.
You'll be wasting your whole self.
Don't fucking do that. Jesus christ.
Wednesday, September 4, 2019
Rambly thoughts
Thinking about a random topic so I might as well pop off about it since nobody reads this. Also thank God nobody reads this, I just like having a diary on the cloud.
I was watching Parks and Rec, and it's the episode where Tom gets divorced so they go to the strip club. Ron says something about how he's not into strip clubs but he loves the buffet. And I was thinking, the next dude I date is going to be like that.
Probably not for obvious reasons. I have no problem with strippers, with stripping, with somebody I'm dating finding someone else attractive (I mean... fucking duh, that's going to happen. There's a lot of hot people in the world). It's just that 2/3 of my best girl friends that I've had in my life were strippers, and neither of them were happy. They would call me and ask me to come keep them company and grab a drink when things were slow at work, and some gross fuck would be creeping on them and they'd be like, smiling and pretending to be into it, and I knew in the real world they'd be telling him to fuck the hell off. And I just wanted to punch those fucking guys in their gross ass faces and tell them to get the fuck away from my girl.
The thing is, I don't really think stripping is anti-feminist and I don't think it's feminist. I don't think there's anything black or white about it as an institution itself. I think whether or not stripping is a feminist action is different for everyone who does it and just depends on whether or not it personally makes them feel empowered. For some women I know that it does, and if that's the case then fuck yeah. It's just that I have personal experience with women who it made them feel the opposite, and I love them so much and anything that makes them feel small just fills me with inexplicable rage and I want to rip it apart with my bare fingernails.
I guess my problem is, if I went to a strip club and there were 50 dancers there, and 49 of them felt empowered as fuck but one of them felt small, I wouldn't want to be there. I wouldn't want to contribute in any way to the way that one girl was feeling. Even if it made the 49 others feel better, it wouldn't be a good trade to me. There's nothing that makes me more upset or uncomfortable than making someone else feel small. I've lived my entire life trying to do the opposite when I meet people. I'm not saying "oh I'm so fucking great look at me." I've hurt tons of people and I've fucked up more than I probably even know. But I try, and I care, at least.
When I think about how I want to date a guy who doesn't like going to the strip club, all I'm saying is that I want to date someone who's like that too. Someone who's really aware of other people and where they're at and how they're feeling. So many people are just fucking clueless and don't even notice. I want someone who actually has emotional intelligence and a heart and doesn't want to go either because he can feel that one girl who feels small and it makes it hard for him to get a boner. That's the kind of person I want.
Like I said it's hard for me to reconcile that with my belief that women can do whatever the fuck they want with their own bodies and make whatever choices they want and I fully support them. I have no judgements about people who strip, seriously. It's a totally valid job and skill and I would punch anyone who looked down on strippers in the face.
I guess that's all a contradiction. I'll figure it out later.
I was watching Parks and Rec, and it's the episode where Tom gets divorced so they go to the strip club. Ron says something about how he's not into strip clubs but he loves the buffet. And I was thinking, the next dude I date is going to be like that.
Probably not for obvious reasons. I have no problem with strippers, with stripping, with somebody I'm dating finding someone else attractive (I mean... fucking duh, that's going to happen. There's a lot of hot people in the world). It's just that 2/3 of my best girl friends that I've had in my life were strippers, and neither of them were happy. They would call me and ask me to come keep them company and grab a drink when things were slow at work, and some gross fuck would be creeping on them and they'd be like, smiling and pretending to be into it, and I knew in the real world they'd be telling him to fuck the hell off. And I just wanted to punch those fucking guys in their gross ass faces and tell them to get the fuck away from my girl.
The thing is, I don't really think stripping is anti-feminist and I don't think it's feminist. I don't think there's anything black or white about it as an institution itself. I think whether or not stripping is a feminist action is different for everyone who does it and just depends on whether or not it personally makes them feel empowered. For some women I know that it does, and if that's the case then fuck yeah. It's just that I have personal experience with women who it made them feel the opposite, and I love them so much and anything that makes them feel small just fills me with inexplicable rage and I want to rip it apart with my bare fingernails.
I guess my problem is, if I went to a strip club and there were 50 dancers there, and 49 of them felt empowered as fuck but one of them felt small, I wouldn't want to be there. I wouldn't want to contribute in any way to the way that one girl was feeling. Even if it made the 49 others feel better, it wouldn't be a good trade to me. There's nothing that makes me more upset or uncomfortable than making someone else feel small. I've lived my entire life trying to do the opposite when I meet people. I'm not saying "oh I'm so fucking great look at me." I've hurt tons of people and I've fucked up more than I probably even know. But I try, and I care, at least.
When I think about how I want to date a guy who doesn't like going to the strip club, all I'm saying is that I want to date someone who's like that too. Someone who's really aware of other people and where they're at and how they're feeling. So many people are just fucking clueless and don't even notice. I want someone who actually has emotional intelligence and a heart and doesn't want to go either because he can feel that one girl who feels small and it makes it hard for him to get a boner. That's the kind of person I want.
Like I said it's hard for me to reconcile that with my belief that women can do whatever the fuck they want with their own bodies and make whatever choices they want and I fully support them. I have no judgements about people who strip, seriously. It's a totally valid job and skill and I would punch anyone who looked down on strippers in the face.
I guess that's all a contradiction. I'll figure it out later.
Sunday, August 18, 2019
Forgetting
I'm scared, dammit. Four months isn't that long. I'm not ready.
You might not even be there. God, I would feel so stupid if you weren't even there.
I hate this. I hate that it never went away. It's been almost 20 years and it just never went away.
It makes me wonder what kind of heart I have. It found something and it never let it go. It let everything else in the world go except for this one thing. It still reminds me when I dream at night, just when I've finally almost forgotten. I'll go to sleep, and there you are. I wish it would let me forget altogether. That would be better for me.
I fell in love with you when I was 10 years old and I've never loved anybody like that since.
I've loved. I've loved so much I thought it would burn me up. I thought I was being born again out of the ashes like a myth. I've loved so deeply and so completely. But this, you, are just the one that never went away.
If a stranger told me they felt this way, or if I read it in a book, I might even think it was creepy. Good god, I'd think to myself, you don't even know this person. You haven't known anything about them since you were children. What's wrong with you? You need to get a grip on yourself. It's ridiculous to romanticize a person that you don't even know anymore this way! You're just running away from life and this is a convenient excuse to help you do it because nothing will ever come of it, so you can just keep on living in a fantasy land instead of learning that the person you idolize is human just like everybody else. You only still feel this way because you never knew them well enough for them to have a chance to disappoint you.
That's what I'd think.
I'd think it was pathetic.
I wish it wasn't still living inside of me. These dreams make me ache with sadness, with the feeling that something is so deeply missing.
You were the first, and even if I never see you again, you'll likely be the last. Even if you're not real. Even if I just invented you in my head and projected you onto the first person who showed a little bit of kindness. I guess there's no way for me to know.
You might not even be there. God, I would feel so stupid if you weren't even there.
I hate this. I hate that it never went away. It's been almost 20 years and it just never went away.
It makes me wonder what kind of heart I have. It found something and it never let it go. It let everything else in the world go except for this one thing. It still reminds me when I dream at night, just when I've finally almost forgotten. I'll go to sleep, and there you are. I wish it would let me forget altogether. That would be better for me.
I fell in love with you when I was 10 years old and I've never loved anybody like that since.
I've loved. I've loved so much I thought it would burn me up. I thought I was being born again out of the ashes like a myth. I've loved so deeply and so completely. But this, you, are just the one that never went away.
If a stranger told me they felt this way, or if I read it in a book, I might even think it was creepy. Good god, I'd think to myself, you don't even know this person. You haven't known anything about them since you were children. What's wrong with you? You need to get a grip on yourself. It's ridiculous to romanticize a person that you don't even know anymore this way! You're just running away from life and this is a convenient excuse to help you do it because nothing will ever come of it, so you can just keep on living in a fantasy land instead of learning that the person you idolize is human just like everybody else. You only still feel this way because you never knew them well enough for them to have a chance to disappoint you.
That's what I'd think.
I'd think it was pathetic.
I wish it wasn't still living inside of me. These dreams make me ache with sadness, with the feeling that something is so deeply missing.
You were the first, and even if I never see you again, you'll likely be the last. Even if you're not real. Even if I just invented you in my head and projected you onto the first person who showed a little bit of kindness. I guess there's no way for me to know.
Monday, July 15, 2019
Let it all out, it's therapeutic, damnit
I don't really know what I'm doing right now.
I feel like I've just kind of floated through the last four weeks, avoiding life.
I know in the grand scheme of a life, a romantic relationship is pretty small. It's just one thing, and not everyone even has one.
It just feels weird being where I'm at, I guess.
I haven't talked to Ben in at least 2 months, maybe more. I was initially hoping he wouldn't write to me at all. It seems like every time we've stopped talking in the past, he'll completely leave me alone. But as soon as he decides he wants to reestablish contact, he goes after it like he's possessed. Once I get that first point of contact from him, it immediately turns into a deluge. That's why I was stressed out when he texted me three weeks ago letting me know that he was really busy but that he wanted to talk. I just expected it to turn into a storm, again, and I didn't want to talk yet. I didn't know if I wanted to talk at all. I still don't. But he hasn't written again, at least not yet. I'm not sure if it's better to just let it drift away than to talk about it, but I don't really feel ready to talk about it. I don't know what to say. I'm tired of the way he tries to micro manage everything that I do. It's dehumanizing and exhausting and infuriating all at the same time. I'm not even going to say "I don't want to." It's that I absolutely refuse to live a life where I'm in fear that if I don't stir my coffee quietly enough I'll get cussed out and spend weeks waiting for an apology, or at least some acknowledgement that the reaction was inappropriate, that won't ever come. It's bullshit and I'm not going to live that way. And when I say that, I don't mean "I need him to never do that to me again." I mean, "he is going to do that again and so I am not willing to be around him anymore."
He really believes that he cares about me, even when he's that person. I guess that's what's leaving me feeling so over trying to build something with another person. If someone can genuinely think they care about you and that they're trying, and still make your life so miserable, what then? I don't know if it's even worth it to try, with anyone, anymore. And it's kind of sad because when I'm with someone, whether it's long term or it's a new thing, there's this kind of spark and sparkle to everyday things. Even to bland things. Everything seems a little more alive. And that spark's kind of dead in me right now. It's not that being single kills the spark. It's more like... having no faith in relationships anymore kills it. I don't want to meet anyone else, and I don't want to be with him. I just kind of firmly believe at this point in time that anyone I try to be with is just going to take advantage of me, not appreciate me, try to change me, and just in general make my life more difficult and kind of kill my sense of self. It's not being alone that's dragging me down. It's believing that.
It just seems like everyone lets me down when I try to be with them, whether it's casual or serious. And I don't mean to suggest I'm this perfect person who never disappoints anyone or lets anyone down. I am, I have been, and I do, sometimes. But I care. I try not to. And when I feel like I've done something like that, let someone down, wronged them, or more importantly when someone else tells me I have, I spend a lot of time thinking about the situation and my behavior and I do my best to identify the problems in myself that led to my behaving wrongly, and to change those things. Apologies mean less than nothing if they're not accompanied by a conscious behavioral change. I just haven't seen that from anyone that I've tried to be with in so long, and I'm so tired. It seems like almost everyone I've ever been with has tried to change me, has tried to make me into someone like them, has complained about me more than they've lifted me up, and at the same time has professed to love or care about me deeply. It's hard to believe there's anything else out there. There are so many ways to let someone down, too. Ben never gave up on me, but he treated me like dirt so many times even if he didn't actually leave for good. Gabe treated me really well for the short time I hung out with him but then he disappeared with no explanation. Dylan never defended me when his friends were dicks, got drunk and told me he loved me way too early into us hanging out, and then panicked and ghosted me. Alden acted like he really liked me but then got back together with his ex out of nowhere and still made out with me afterwards one time, and to this day when I see him he hugs me for way too long and makes "I'm a sad boy" noises and tells me he misses me. Matt seemed to like me but without him actually saying it it seemed pretty clear he didn't want anything serious, which was fine with me because I didn't either at the time. But when I got back together with my ex, he still messaged me every few months for years to check in on me, and when I finally agreed to meet up and catch up he bailed on me two times in a row at the very last second because he can't stop himself from getting too drunk to not let people down, apparently. Jacob repeatedly instigated stuff with me and then when it blew up in our faces went around suggesting that we were equally at fault, when he was the one who was always pushing everything that happened between us, and always when I was drunk. I don't feel like he took advantage of me intentionally, but I don't see it as being equally our fault when he was the one who suggested that he'd broken up with his girlfriend when he hadn't yet, and he leaned in and kissed me without asking. I know I kissed him back but I didn't know he hadn't broken up with his girlfriend yet, and I was even on the fence about it in the first place. I guess I don't need to go any further back than that. It's just... do you see what I mean? That's not even that far back, that's just the last few years. And the only reason it's not a longer list of guys doing stupid things and upsetting me is because I spent so much of it letting Ben be the sole Person In Charge Of Letting Me Down.
I don't want to be alone. I guess that's the truth of the matter. I love love. I love crushes. I love connecting with someone on a different level than you connect with other people. I love getting to know someone so well. I love that feeling. I don't want to be alone. But I don't really believe in this anymore. I think that's why I'm so depressed right now. It's like growing up believing in unicorns, and you think you find one and then it turns out it's just a horse with a stick glued to its forehead. But you think, maybe the next one, maybe I'll find one. And then one day you just kind of realize that unicorns don't exist. It's not that you don't want to see one anymore, you just know they're not real. I know that analogy is silly and childish but I'm feeling silly and childish right now so fuck off.
Maybe that's a bad analogy. The whole "unicorn" thing makes it sound like I believed there was someone out there who was perfect and when I met them everything would just click into place. I know people aren't perfect. I know that. I don't expect them to be. I don't even want them to be because how fucking boring would that be? You can't grow if you're perfect. And growth is the part that's beautiful, even when it's ugly. That's the part I love the best. So no, I wasn't looking for perfection. I was just looking for an imperfect person with kindness in their heart who harbored an undying desire to be better. Someone who valued me. Someone who valued me more than their old resentments, more than their fears, more than their addictions. I didn't want someone who had no resentments, fears, or addictions. Just someone who cared about me a little more than they cared about those things. See the difference? Because that's the place where growth happens. And obviously you don't need a relationship to grow. You just have to care about something more than the darker parts of yourself that you cling to. It doesn't have to be a person. But they're not mutually exclusive either. It could be both. It could be more than one thing. I guess I just wanted someone to grow with. Someone to share the process of finding things that mattered more than our darknesses. I can't find them. People just want to cling to their demons and use me to pad the blows they refuse to stop taking. I'm beat.
I feel like I've just kind of floated through the last four weeks, avoiding life.
I know in the grand scheme of a life, a romantic relationship is pretty small. It's just one thing, and not everyone even has one.
It just feels weird being where I'm at, I guess.
I haven't talked to Ben in at least 2 months, maybe more. I was initially hoping he wouldn't write to me at all. It seems like every time we've stopped talking in the past, he'll completely leave me alone. But as soon as he decides he wants to reestablish contact, he goes after it like he's possessed. Once I get that first point of contact from him, it immediately turns into a deluge. That's why I was stressed out when he texted me three weeks ago letting me know that he was really busy but that he wanted to talk. I just expected it to turn into a storm, again, and I didn't want to talk yet. I didn't know if I wanted to talk at all. I still don't. But he hasn't written again, at least not yet. I'm not sure if it's better to just let it drift away than to talk about it, but I don't really feel ready to talk about it. I don't know what to say. I'm tired of the way he tries to micro manage everything that I do. It's dehumanizing and exhausting and infuriating all at the same time. I'm not even going to say "I don't want to." It's that I absolutely refuse to live a life where I'm in fear that if I don't stir my coffee quietly enough I'll get cussed out and spend weeks waiting for an apology, or at least some acknowledgement that the reaction was inappropriate, that won't ever come. It's bullshit and I'm not going to live that way. And when I say that, I don't mean "I need him to never do that to me again." I mean, "he is going to do that again and so I am not willing to be around him anymore."
He really believes that he cares about me, even when he's that person. I guess that's what's leaving me feeling so over trying to build something with another person. If someone can genuinely think they care about you and that they're trying, and still make your life so miserable, what then? I don't know if it's even worth it to try, with anyone, anymore. And it's kind of sad because when I'm with someone, whether it's long term or it's a new thing, there's this kind of spark and sparkle to everyday things. Even to bland things. Everything seems a little more alive. And that spark's kind of dead in me right now. It's not that being single kills the spark. It's more like... having no faith in relationships anymore kills it. I don't want to meet anyone else, and I don't want to be with him. I just kind of firmly believe at this point in time that anyone I try to be with is just going to take advantage of me, not appreciate me, try to change me, and just in general make my life more difficult and kind of kill my sense of self. It's not being alone that's dragging me down. It's believing that.
It just seems like everyone lets me down when I try to be with them, whether it's casual or serious. And I don't mean to suggest I'm this perfect person who never disappoints anyone or lets anyone down. I am, I have been, and I do, sometimes. But I care. I try not to. And when I feel like I've done something like that, let someone down, wronged them, or more importantly when someone else tells me I have, I spend a lot of time thinking about the situation and my behavior and I do my best to identify the problems in myself that led to my behaving wrongly, and to change those things. Apologies mean less than nothing if they're not accompanied by a conscious behavioral change. I just haven't seen that from anyone that I've tried to be with in so long, and I'm so tired. It seems like almost everyone I've ever been with has tried to change me, has tried to make me into someone like them, has complained about me more than they've lifted me up, and at the same time has professed to love or care about me deeply. It's hard to believe there's anything else out there. There are so many ways to let someone down, too. Ben never gave up on me, but he treated me like dirt so many times even if he didn't actually leave for good. Gabe treated me really well for the short time I hung out with him but then he disappeared with no explanation. Dylan never defended me when his friends were dicks, got drunk and told me he loved me way too early into us hanging out, and then panicked and ghosted me. Alden acted like he really liked me but then got back together with his ex out of nowhere and still made out with me afterwards one time, and to this day when I see him he hugs me for way too long and makes "I'm a sad boy" noises and tells me he misses me. Matt seemed to like me but without him actually saying it it seemed pretty clear he didn't want anything serious, which was fine with me because I didn't either at the time. But when I got back together with my ex, he still messaged me every few months for years to check in on me, and when I finally agreed to meet up and catch up he bailed on me two times in a row at the very last second because he can't stop himself from getting too drunk to not let people down, apparently. Jacob repeatedly instigated stuff with me and then when it blew up in our faces went around suggesting that we were equally at fault, when he was the one who was always pushing everything that happened between us, and always when I was drunk. I don't feel like he took advantage of me intentionally, but I don't see it as being equally our fault when he was the one who suggested that he'd broken up with his girlfriend when he hadn't yet, and he leaned in and kissed me without asking. I know I kissed him back but I didn't know he hadn't broken up with his girlfriend yet, and I was even on the fence about it in the first place. I guess I don't need to go any further back than that. It's just... do you see what I mean? That's not even that far back, that's just the last few years. And the only reason it's not a longer list of guys doing stupid things and upsetting me is because I spent so much of it letting Ben be the sole Person In Charge Of Letting Me Down.
I don't want to be alone. I guess that's the truth of the matter. I love love. I love crushes. I love connecting with someone on a different level than you connect with other people. I love getting to know someone so well. I love that feeling. I don't want to be alone. But I don't really believe in this anymore. I think that's why I'm so depressed right now. It's like growing up believing in unicorns, and you think you find one and then it turns out it's just a horse with a stick glued to its forehead. But you think, maybe the next one, maybe I'll find one. And then one day you just kind of realize that unicorns don't exist. It's not that you don't want to see one anymore, you just know they're not real. I know that analogy is silly and childish but I'm feeling silly and childish right now so fuck off.
Maybe that's a bad analogy. The whole "unicorn" thing makes it sound like I believed there was someone out there who was perfect and when I met them everything would just click into place. I know people aren't perfect. I know that. I don't expect them to be. I don't even want them to be because how fucking boring would that be? You can't grow if you're perfect. And growth is the part that's beautiful, even when it's ugly. That's the part I love the best. So no, I wasn't looking for perfection. I was just looking for an imperfect person with kindness in their heart who harbored an undying desire to be better. Someone who valued me. Someone who valued me more than their old resentments, more than their fears, more than their addictions. I didn't want someone who had no resentments, fears, or addictions. Just someone who cared about me a little more than they cared about those things. See the difference? Because that's the place where growth happens. And obviously you don't need a relationship to grow. You just have to care about something more than the darker parts of yourself that you cling to. It doesn't have to be a person. But they're not mutually exclusive either. It could be both. It could be more than one thing. I guess I just wanted someone to grow with. Someone to share the process of finding things that mattered more than our darknesses. I can't find them. People just want to cling to their demons and use me to pad the blows they refuse to stop taking. I'm beat.
Thursday, June 6, 2019
So long
The first time I saw you, it felt warm. Something about you seemed so good, and so open, and when you smiled I didn't smile back to be polite. I smiled because it seemed like a really natural thing to do around you.
You'll be gone in a week or so and I won't be seeing you anymore. That makes me feel sad. I wish I could tell you how I feel but I can't, because you have someone.
I couldn't tell you before you found someone, even aside from the fact that I had an off and on thing with someone else, because I didn't want to make things weird. We saw each other at school almost every day and shared the same friends, and if you didn't see me that way it would have made things really uncomfortable. I didn't want to put myself or you in that position. But I always thought, maybe, maybe right before you leave I can tell you. That way, even if you're not even remotely interested, at least I'd have gotten it off my chest.
But now you're with someone and I can't tell you.
I feel just kind of glum and melancholy about it. It doesn't make me feel happy when I see you anymore because you're kind of already gone. I really wish I could have told you.
I'll miss you. I'll be fine, I know. But it's just kind of bumming me out.
So many times I've been near you and just been focused on hiding it, covering it up, making sure noone could tell. I did a damn good job of that, clearly. Way to go, me.
Daydreams won't help me. I've got to just deal with it. Not every 'what if' gets an answer.
You'll be gone in a week or so and I won't be seeing you anymore. That makes me feel sad. I wish I could tell you how I feel but I can't, because you have someone.
I couldn't tell you before you found someone, even aside from the fact that I had an off and on thing with someone else, because I didn't want to make things weird. We saw each other at school almost every day and shared the same friends, and if you didn't see me that way it would have made things really uncomfortable. I didn't want to put myself or you in that position. But I always thought, maybe, maybe right before you leave I can tell you. That way, even if you're not even remotely interested, at least I'd have gotten it off my chest.
But now you're with someone and I can't tell you.
I feel just kind of glum and melancholy about it. It doesn't make me feel happy when I see you anymore because you're kind of already gone. I really wish I could have told you.
I'll miss you. I'll be fine, I know. But it's just kind of bumming me out.
So many times I've been near you and just been focused on hiding it, covering it up, making sure noone could tell. I did a damn good job of that, clearly. Way to go, me.
Daydreams won't help me. I've got to just deal with it. Not every 'what if' gets an answer.
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
If you're out there
I wish I wasn't so confused about everything. I just get so frustrated. There's the whole thing with Ben, and I know. I know I wouldn't be happy if we got married. I'd be fucking miserable. It's like there's this part of me that already knows deep down that it's not going to work and now I'm just kind of skating by while I wait for the rest of me to catch up.
And then there's Jacob, who's serially someone's boyfriend and 9 times out of 10 his girlfriends feel threatened by me, so I don't ever even get to see him for months on end. And as great of a guy as he is, I know we're better off as just friends. I don't see that being right either. He just needs someone more positive than me. More wholesome? Christian? I'm not sure. Maybe that's not right, maybe it's me. Maybe I need someone who's less like that.
There's Gabe. Who I honestly really liked. That one hurt, I'm not going to lie. I don't know why he flipped out and disappeared. It's not like I wanted to marry the fucking guy. I just liked him. I liked being around him. It made me feel happy, and life has been so difficult and complicated lately that I hadn't felt that kind of simple, easy happiness in a really long time. So all in all that was pretty lame.
Then there's thyme, who has no fucking clue that I've had this weird crush on him for two years. How would he, I barely even speak to him because he has someone and I basically do too, and let's be honest I'd be awkward anyway because I'm like that. I had this weird dream about him last night where he and his girlfriend broke up, and I was at his house with all of these people there. I didn't want to make our friendship seem insincere so I didn't tell him how I felt, and then he got swooped up by another girl. Even in my dreams I can't shoot my shot.
And it's just like. Like there's this parade of people who come into my life and go back out again, and none of them stick. None of them are right. Some of them leave, and the ones who stay just end up losing their shine, and then I end up being the one to leave. Sometimes I wonder if true love is just a farce. If the bloom ever stays on the roses. If there's anyone out there who's really right for me or if life is just about making compromises and settling.
If they're out there, I sure as shit don't know who they are.
And then there's Jacob, who's serially someone's boyfriend and 9 times out of 10 his girlfriends feel threatened by me, so I don't ever even get to see him for months on end. And as great of a guy as he is, I know we're better off as just friends. I don't see that being right either. He just needs someone more positive than me. More wholesome? Christian? I'm not sure. Maybe that's not right, maybe it's me. Maybe I need someone who's less like that.
There's Gabe. Who I honestly really liked. That one hurt, I'm not going to lie. I don't know why he flipped out and disappeared. It's not like I wanted to marry the fucking guy. I just liked him. I liked being around him. It made me feel happy, and life has been so difficult and complicated lately that I hadn't felt that kind of simple, easy happiness in a really long time. So all in all that was pretty lame.
Then there's thyme, who has no fucking clue that I've had this weird crush on him for two years. How would he, I barely even speak to him because he has someone and I basically do too, and let's be honest I'd be awkward anyway because I'm like that. I had this weird dream about him last night where he and his girlfriend broke up, and I was at his house with all of these people there. I didn't want to make our friendship seem insincere so I didn't tell him how I felt, and then he got swooped up by another girl. Even in my dreams I can't shoot my shot.
And it's just like. Like there's this parade of people who come into my life and go back out again, and none of them stick. None of them are right. Some of them leave, and the ones who stay just end up losing their shine, and then I end up being the one to leave. Sometimes I wonder if true love is just a farce. If the bloom ever stays on the roses. If there's anyone out there who's really right for me or if life is just about making compromises and settling.
If they're out there, I sure as shit don't know who they are.
Tuesday, April 9, 2019
One Love
To Zach.
There were so many things that I never told you. I always thought that I would have the time.
I fell in love with you when I was fourteen years old. Some people might say that's too young to know what love is. Now, approaching thirty, I still hold that it was one of the truest, purest feelings I've ever known.
I remember how the sun followed you wherever you went; the air became springtime. Darkness turned to light in my heart. I remember how I felt alive, being near you. I knew that you had an addiction even then, even as kids, but you were so much more than that. You had such a powerful spirit. I thought it was bigger than any battle it was fighting.
I like to remember you sitting under a cherry tree playing Bob Dylan tunes on your acoustic guitar. We listened to punk rock but for some reason we both just loved that Live 1975 Dylan album. You loved poetry and lyricism. Half of the time you spoke in it without seeming to notice.
I fell in love with you and you were like the sun.
You moved away, back to Chicago, when I was 15 years old. It broke my heart like it had never been broken before. I retreated into myself, hiding in my room and only coming out to practice with my band, my lyrics getting more and more lost and angry. I wrote you letters every day. I never sent any of them. I kept a calendar on the wall where I counted the days since you'd left. I counted for a year, day by day. I listened to Leftover Crack and Bob Dylan. I waited. I sat on the floor and drew on my converse with sharpie. I might have done nothing but rock back and forth, a time or two.
But all of that's behind us now. We grew up, and we grew apart. And then, three days ago I ran into you downtown by the university. What were the chances in a city of millions of people? There you were. We stopped. We talked, and caught up. You said you were about to graduate with your degree in Philosophy. You always had loved wondering about the world. I hugged you, and I wanted to hold on longer but you started to let go, so I did the same. You asked for my phone number and sent me pictures of your guitar. You said you wanted to hang out and play some folk tunes. I said I would like that. It wasn't a nicety; I meant it.
But you died today.
When I had to pass along the news to others, they asked me: "But didn't you just see him last week?"
That's the thing about dying. You're alive right up until you do it.
I knew about the heroin, knew all the way back in high school. It was so foreign to me then. Death was foreign to me then. It's not so much, anymore. Zach, I hope there's a place where you still exist. Where the fundamentals of your soul are still together, in one piece. I hope there's a place where I can find you again. I hope there's a cherry tree in the sky where we can sit and sing folk songs together in our crappy patched punk clothes, because neither one of us ever cared if people thought our folk music was cheesy. We just liked it. We liked being alive together and noticing the things that were beautiful. We just liked noticing things that made us happy. Thank you for always being one of them, for me. I plan on seeing you again, so wait for me til then. One love.
There were so many things that I never told you. I always thought that I would have the time.
I fell in love with you when I was fourteen years old. Some people might say that's too young to know what love is. Now, approaching thirty, I still hold that it was one of the truest, purest feelings I've ever known.
I remember how the sun followed you wherever you went; the air became springtime. Darkness turned to light in my heart. I remember how I felt alive, being near you. I knew that you had an addiction even then, even as kids, but you were so much more than that. You had such a powerful spirit. I thought it was bigger than any battle it was fighting.
I like to remember you sitting under a cherry tree playing Bob Dylan tunes on your acoustic guitar. We listened to punk rock but for some reason we both just loved that Live 1975 Dylan album. You loved poetry and lyricism. Half of the time you spoke in it without seeming to notice.
I fell in love with you and you were like the sun.
You moved away, back to Chicago, when I was 15 years old. It broke my heart like it had never been broken before. I retreated into myself, hiding in my room and only coming out to practice with my band, my lyrics getting more and more lost and angry. I wrote you letters every day. I never sent any of them. I kept a calendar on the wall where I counted the days since you'd left. I counted for a year, day by day. I listened to Leftover Crack and Bob Dylan. I waited. I sat on the floor and drew on my converse with sharpie. I might have done nothing but rock back and forth, a time or two.
But all of that's behind us now. We grew up, and we grew apart. And then, three days ago I ran into you downtown by the university. What were the chances in a city of millions of people? There you were. We stopped. We talked, and caught up. You said you were about to graduate with your degree in Philosophy. You always had loved wondering about the world. I hugged you, and I wanted to hold on longer but you started to let go, so I did the same. You asked for my phone number and sent me pictures of your guitar. You said you wanted to hang out and play some folk tunes. I said I would like that. It wasn't a nicety; I meant it.
But you died today.
When I had to pass along the news to others, they asked me: "But didn't you just see him last week?"
That's the thing about dying. You're alive right up until you do it.
I knew about the heroin, knew all the way back in high school. It was so foreign to me then. Death was foreign to me then. It's not so much, anymore. Zach, I hope there's a place where you still exist. Where the fundamentals of your soul are still together, in one piece. I hope there's a place where I can find you again. I hope there's a cherry tree in the sky where we can sit and sing folk songs together in our crappy patched punk clothes, because neither one of us ever cared if people thought our folk music was cheesy. We just liked it. We liked being alive together and noticing the things that were beautiful. We just liked noticing things that made us happy. Thank you for always being one of them, for me. I plan on seeing you again, so wait for me til then. One love.
Friday, April 5, 2019
All the time in the world
There's this sense of immediacy, when you're young.
Every moment is on fire. Every moment matters.
Nothing is too dramatic. Nothing is too over the top.
It's because we haven't had that many things happen to us, yet.
And we don't realize how much being that way can take it out of you, over time.
It just makes me wonder what's the better way to be.
Because when you're young, you feel things so intensely, good and bad.
And it's like... once you get older, you've been hurt so many times, and been burned, and been heartbroken, that you just don't let yourself feel as deeply, so the lows aren't as low when they come.
Because you're just exhausted from hurting.
I just finished watching 'Keith' again and I realized I would never react how Natalie did. I wouldn't want to hold on with someone who was dying until the last moment. I wouldn't want that kind of pain. But she just, without thinking, said she wanted every second. Because it was romantic, and dramatic, and the kind of love you feel when you're a teenager.
When you're older, you just want to be safe.
You don't make grand gestures anymore.
You used to make them because you literally could do nothing else.
But now they feel like work, instead of like a necessity.
Now you've calmed down, slowed down.
You know what you have to give, without burning yourself down, and you don't offer any more than that to begin with because you don't want to promise what you'll just end up taking away.
It's kind of a relief, and it's kind of a disappointment.
I don't know what's the better way to be.
Maybe someday I will find new grand gestures inside myself.
But for now, I can wait.
Every moment is on fire. Every moment matters.
Nothing is too dramatic. Nothing is too over the top.
It's because we haven't had that many things happen to us, yet.
And we don't realize how much being that way can take it out of you, over time.
It just makes me wonder what's the better way to be.
Because when you're young, you feel things so intensely, good and bad.
And it's like... once you get older, you've been hurt so many times, and been burned, and been heartbroken, that you just don't let yourself feel as deeply, so the lows aren't as low when they come.
Because you're just exhausted from hurting.
I just finished watching 'Keith' again and I realized I would never react how Natalie did. I wouldn't want to hold on with someone who was dying until the last moment. I wouldn't want that kind of pain. But she just, without thinking, said she wanted every second. Because it was romantic, and dramatic, and the kind of love you feel when you're a teenager.
When you're older, you just want to be safe.
You don't make grand gestures anymore.
You used to make them because you literally could do nothing else.
But now they feel like work, instead of like a necessity.
Now you've calmed down, slowed down.
You know what you have to give, without burning yourself down, and you don't offer any more than that to begin with because you don't want to promise what you'll just end up taking away.
It's kind of a relief, and it's kind of a disappointment.
I don't know what's the better way to be.
Maybe someday I will find new grand gestures inside myself.
But for now, I can wait.
Wednesday, February 20, 2019
Thinking about the past
My God. I've been going back, here, and reading all of these things that I'd written years and years ago about us. About you. And I'm sick.
I think I'm still really damaged from a lot of that, and I've pushed it aside so that it doesn't eat away at me. But when I read the things I wrote back then, I remember exactly the feeling I felt.
I remember the night when I hung out with a friend of mine and we worked on a song. We got pretty fucked up with his roommates, who were also friends of mine, and I couldn't drive home. He offered to let me crash with him in his bed, and I knew he wouldn't try anything. I trusted him. But I slept on the floor instead, because you were all I could think about, and I didn't want to be next to anybody else, even in a platonic way. I laid on the floor all night and just thought about your face, and it kept me warm.
The next morning you told me to come get my shit if I wanted any closure. You lashed out at me for staying there even though it would have been unsafe for me to leave. I told you that I'd slept on the floor and you said to me: "that makes sense, because trash belongs on the floor."
I remember the feeling. It was like a star dying in my ribcage, before the sonic boom had reached my ears. It was like floating in limbo, in that moment, waiting for an explosion that never came. I wanted to scream but there was no air in my lungs. I wanted to fall to the ground but my tendons were frozen. I wanted to drive my fingernails into my chest, and rip, tear, pull chunks of flesh from my ribcage, long strings of skin, pulsing muscle and fling them away from me. Just keep digging until I reached the place in my chest where the feeling was, so that it would have a way to escape my body. But I could do none of those things. I wished to stop existing.
You never told me you were sorry for saying those things. I think that is one of the most hurtful things that has ever been said to me. It had all the more power because of the depth of my love for you. Because I had laid on that floor all night just thinking about your eyes and your smile and how much I loved you. Because I couldn't think about anything else, at the time. You were everything.
I know it was a long time ago, when you treated me that way. And I know you've given me a general apology for treating me badly in the past, and I truly believe you would never treat me that way again. But I think that, I still need to tell you how it made me feel. I need to talk to you about that. If we're ever going to make something work again, on top of the other things we talk about, I think I need you to hear how that made me feel. I think I need to know why you did it. You told me that you didn't see any sort of relationship or future happening with me, but I was so kind to you. I loved you so much. That doesn't explain why you treated me the way you did. You never told me why. I need to know. I need to understand.
I think I'm still really damaged from a lot of that, and I've pushed it aside so that it doesn't eat away at me. But when I read the things I wrote back then, I remember exactly the feeling I felt.
I remember the night when I hung out with a friend of mine and we worked on a song. We got pretty fucked up with his roommates, who were also friends of mine, and I couldn't drive home. He offered to let me crash with him in his bed, and I knew he wouldn't try anything. I trusted him. But I slept on the floor instead, because you were all I could think about, and I didn't want to be next to anybody else, even in a platonic way. I laid on the floor all night and just thought about your face, and it kept me warm.
The next morning you told me to come get my shit if I wanted any closure. You lashed out at me for staying there even though it would have been unsafe for me to leave. I told you that I'd slept on the floor and you said to me: "that makes sense, because trash belongs on the floor."
I remember the feeling. It was like a star dying in my ribcage, before the sonic boom had reached my ears. It was like floating in limbo, in that moment, waiting for an explosion that never came. I wanted to scream but there was no air in my lungs. I wanted to fall to the ground but my tendons were frozen. I wanted to drive my fingernails into my chest, and rip, tear, pull chunks of flesh from my ribcage, long strings of skin, pulsing muscle and fling them away from me. Just keep digging until I reached the place in my chest where the feeling was, so that it would have a way to escape my body. But I could do none of those things. I wished to stop existing.
You never told me you were sorry for saying those things. I think that is one of the most hurtful things that has ever been said to me. It had all the more power because of the depth of my love for you. Because I had laid on that floor all night just thinking about your eyes and your smile and how much I loved you. Because I couldn't think about anything else, at the time. You were everything.
I know it was a long time ago, when you treated me that way. And I know you've given me a general apology for treating me badly in the past, and I truly believe you would never treat me that way again. But I think that, I still need to tell you how it made me feel. I need to talk to you about that. If we're ever going to make something work again, on top of the other things we talk about, I think I need you to hear how that made me feel. I think I need to know why you did it. You told me that you didn't see any sort of relationship or future happening with me, but I was so kind to you. I loved you so much. That doesn't explain why you treated me the way you did. You never told me why. I need to know. I need to understand.
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
Now what
I don't really know what to do or how I feel at this point.
The decisions I make right now are going to have a huge impact on what my future is going to look like, and I just wish I could peek into that future and know what to do.
I know that my friends all want me to move on and not be with him anymore.
I know they've all only seen the bad, because he's never been around so they haven't gotten a chance to know him. They only see the things that go wrong, and they only see it when I'm sad, so that's all they really know of our relationship.
I know that when I saw him last night, which was a few days after the procedure, I just felt... safe. For the first time since I heard the news I felt safe and like everything was going to be okay. And I realized there's no one else who can make me feel that way. There is no one else in my life I could have slept next to and held their hand and really felt safe and comfortable and like everything was going to be okay. That connection that we have is real.
The problem is that just because there's no one else I feel that way with, doesn't mean there never will be. I don't want to feel like I'm trying again because I'm settling and I'm afraid I won't find anything better. I just don't know how much things will really change and if I'm ready or willing or able to really try again. And if we really did try again and it just didn't work, not only would it break my heart, but could we both accept that? I'm really afraid that even if there was still a lot of ways that we just didn't gel, even after working out most of our issues, he wouldn't necessarily be able to accept that and feel at peace with it and move on.
I don't want to feel like we're stuck even if we can't work it out.
I do love him. I really do. I just don't know what to do and I don't want to spend years longer figuring it out just to find out that what I should have done is just walked away now, having lost all of that time with no way to get it back.
I wish I knew what the right thing to do was. I honestly have no idea. I know that I love him but I don't know if I would be happy with him for the rest of my life, because we're so different. I think that the lives that we want for ourselves in the future might be very different and I don't want either one of us to compromise something so major and end up unhappy and resentful and full of regrets. That's my biggest fear.
I just don't know.
The decisions I make right now are going to have a huge impact on what my future is going to look like, and I just wish I could peek into that future and know what to do.
I know that my friends all want me to move on and not be with him anymore.
I know they've all only seen the bad, because he's never been around so they haven't gotten a chance to know him. They only see the things that go wrong, and they only see it when I'm sad, so that's all they really know of our relationship.
I know that when I saw him last night, which was a few days after the procedure, I just felt... safe. For the first time since I heard the news I felt safe and like everything was going to be okay. And I realized there's no one else who can make me feel that way. There is no one else in my life I could have slept next to and held their hand and really felt safe and comfortable and like everything was going to be okay. That connection that we have is real.
The problem is that just because there's no one else I feel that way with, doesn't mean there never will be. I don't want to feel like I'm trying again because I'm settling and I'm afraid I won't find anything better. I just don't know how much things will really change and if I'm ready or willing or able to really try again. And if we really did try again and it just didn't work, not only would it break my heart, but could we both accept that? I'm really afraid that even if there was still a lot of ways that we just didn't gel, even after working out most of our issues, he wouldn't necessarily be able to accept that and feel at peace with it and move on.
I don't want to feel like we're stuck even if we can't work it out.
I do love him. I really do. I just don't know what to do and I don't want to spend years longer figuring it out just to find out that what I should have done is just walked away now, having lost all of that time with no way to get it back.
I wish I knew what the right thing to do was. I honestly have no idea. I know that I love him but I don't know if I would be happy with him for the rest of my life, because we're so different. I think that the lives that we want for ourselves in the future might be very different and I don't want either one of us to compromise something so major and end up unhappy and resentful and full of regrets. That's my biggest fear.
I just don't know.
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
Fuck it
I kind of wish I hadn't had to see you. I wasn't thinking about you anymore. I had too much other stress and drama going on to even worry about it. Seeing you didn't like, remind me of any feelings. I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore like that. It just reminded me of how shitty that situation made me feel.
I know I said I wanted to still be friends but the thing is, I don't really want anything from you. I don't think you have anything to give even as a friend. You make zero effort and when I see you I just. Idk. I don't have anything to say to you. I'd rather just not see or speak to you again.
I really think you need to know what you did. I mean, if you're gonna act like the perfect guy, make someone like you, fuck them, and then ghost them, you should probably not pick somebody at the health clinic you work at who has a literal brain disorder. What the hell is wrong with you? Who does that? I didn't need the extra stress. I have enough. Jesus Christ. I really don't even know what's wrong with you. And then the fact that you put on this shitty fake happy act and pretend like everything's fine. You're so fake. You're like a wax doll or something. I don't know if there's anything real about you. Well good. You'll go far in advertising then, at least.
I think I just want to delete you on Facebook and Instagram and change my next acupuncture appointment so that I don't have to see you again. I just feel really gross that I was so wrong about you. I know we didn't hang out for very long but I honestly liked you, and I thought I was a good judge of people. It freaks me out that I got so totally conned and had no idea. I got completely fucking played like an idiot by some gigantic midwestern douchebag.
Fuck you and fuck the entire state of Michigan.
Sunday, January 13, 2019
F.U.C.K.
You need to figure this out, and you need to have these conversations now before you sleep with anybody else.
Nobody else is going to pump the brakes in this situation because nobody else wants the brakes to get pumped. You can't just sit around dropping subtle hints and hoping people are going to pick up on them and then just going along with it when they don't.
Here's the ultimate test of how good you've gotten at communicating.
The thing is, he loves you, and he has loved you for years. Of course he's not going to pump the brakes. If you can't do this, and you know you can't, you need to tell him. He's not going to be able to just keep it chill and casual. He's going to get absolutely dizzy over you and you're going to feel trapped and freak out and it could literally ruin you guys' friendship. You need to stop sleeping with him. You need to backpedal somehow. You need to talk to him. I don't know how you're going to frame it exactly. Use your time on Wednesday with Ruth to talk about it, I really think she can help you figure out how to handle this.
Same with Ben. You need to majorly pump the brakes there. You can't be giving him the impression that you'll be over there hanging out and having sex. You won't be. You can't be doing that. You're just slipping right back into old habits if you do that. Because look at him, you hang out with him one time and suddenly he's asking you to come over all the time and texting you constantly throughout the day. You need to establish boundaries there and be really clear about where you're at and what he can and cannot expect from you. You genuinely want to be friends with him so you need to be clear and honest so that you're not being a shitty friend.
Fuck I wish this would all just go away and I didn't have to deal with it. Fucking Gabe. If he hadn't bailed none of this would have happened. I mean obviously it's not Gabe's fault, he didn't do this. I did. I just wouldn't have been in a position to do all this stupid shit and make all of these shitty judgement calls if he'd still been around.
It was kind of the opposite with him though, because in that situation he's the one who wanted to pump the brakes and I'm the one who didn't lol.
God why won't all of this just go away, I don't have the time or the energy to deal with any of it.
I'm so frustrated. You know who is like, literally the perfect guy for me. He's perfect. So why don't I feel that way. Why does the way I feel change all the time. I think part of it is that whenever I start to feel that way about him and venture into beyond-friendship mode, the strength of his feelings for me come out full force like a battering ram and scares me away and then I just want to be friends again. I know he doesn't do it on purpose but it's just too much. It's overwhelming and it makes me feel like I'm under a lot of pressure and my natural response to that is to just run and bail.
I know we've always said we can talk to each other about anything but I do not know how to approach this one. I have no fucking idea. All I know is that one way or another I need to try before it gets any worse.
Nobody else is going to pump the brakes in this situation because nobody else wants the brakes to get pumped. You can't just sit around dropping subtle hints and hoping people are going to pick up on them and then just going along with it when they don't.
Here's the ultimate test of how good you've gotten at communicating.
The thing is, he loves you, and he has loved you for years. Of course he's not going to pump the brakes. If you can't do this, and you know you can't, you need to tell him. He's not going to be able to just keep it chill and casual. He's going to get absolutely dizzy over you and you're going to feel trapped and freak out and it could literally ruin you guys' friendship. You need to stop sleeping with him. You need to backpedal somehow. You need to talk to him. I don't know how you're going to frame it exactly. Use your time on Wednesday with Ruth to talk about it, I really think she can help you figure out how to handle this.
Same with Ben. You need to majorly pump the brakes there. You can't be giving him the impression that you'll be over there hanging out and having sex. You won't be. You can't be doing that. You're just slipping right back into old habits if you do that. Because look at him, you hang out with him one time and suddenly he's asking you to come over all the time and texting you constantly throughout the day. You need to establish boundaries there and be really clear about where you're at and what he can and cannot expect from you. You genuinely want to be friends with him so you need to be clear and honest so that you're not being a shitty friend.
Fuck I wish this would all just go away and I didn't have to deal with it. Fucking Gabe. If he hadn't bailed none of this would have happened. I mean obviously it's not Gabe's fault, he didn't do this. I did. I just wouldn't have been in a position to do all this stupid shit and make all of these shitty judgement calls if he'd still been around.
It was kind of the opposite with him though, because in that situation he's the one who wanted to pump the brakes and I'm the one who didn't lol.
God why won't all of this just go away, I don't have the time or the energy to deal with any of it.
I'm so frustrated. You know who is like, literally the perfect guy for me. He's perfect. So why don't I feel that way. Why does the way I feel change all the time. I think part of it is that whenever I start to feel that way about him and venture into beyond-friendship mode, the strength of his feelings for me come out full force like a battering ram and scares me away and then I just want to be friends again. I know he doesn't do it on purpose but it's just too much. It's overwhelming and it makes me feel like I'm under a lot of pressure and my natural response to that is to just run and bail.
I know we've always said we can talk to each other about anything but I do not know how to approach this one. I have no fucking idea. All I know is that one way or another I need to try before it gets any worse.
Friday, January 4, 2019
That person in my head
I had this guy in my head, for years.
Years and years and years. Since Jesse. Maybe before.
I could see him. He was beautiful and he had brown hair and he played the guitar. Medium height, medium build.
His voice was really warm and clear and beautiful. His singing voice.
And I remember being with Jesse and thinking, well he sings and plays guitar so maybe that's it.
But it wasn't Jesse.
And it wasn't Brandon.
And it wasn't even Jacob.
I could see this boy so clearly.
I could feel his spirit.
And I think why I'm so upset about this whole thing is because, he's not Gabe either.
He doesn't look like Gabe.
But he sings like Gabe.
And he kind of feels like Gabe.
It's not Gabe.
But I think Gabe is just the closest I've ever come to that guy.
He's the most like that guy that any of them have been yet.
I think that's why I'm upset.
Is that weird?
He sings just like Gabe.
Years and years and years. Since Jesse. Maybe before.
I could see him. He was beautiful and he had brown hair and he played the guitar. Medium height, medium build.
His voice was really warm and clear and beautiful. His singing voice.
And I remember being with Jesse and thinking, well he sings and plays guitar so maybe that's it.
But it wasn't Jesse.
And it wasn't Brandon.
And it wasn't even Jacob.
I could see this boy so clearly.
I could feel his spirit.
And I think why I'm so upset about this whole thing is because, he's not Gabe either.
He doesn't look like Gabe.
But he sings like Gabe.
And he kind of feels like Gabe.
It's not Gabe.
But I think Gabe is just the closest I've ever come to that guy.
He's the most like that guy that any of them have been yet.
I think that's why I'm upset.
Is that weird?
He sings just like Gabe.
Wow
Well isn't this interesting. You just got played hook line and sinker for the first time in your life.
Note to self
Could you just like, not?
Lol
Just like, for once in your life could you not.
I'm so sick of feeling nauseous because I'm upset about a boy doing something shitty to me.
I'm so tired of that feeling.
I don't know if I need to just stop giving a fuck about any boy for a while or if I need to just learn to choose em better but whatever it is, I need a break.
I'm sick of feeling sick.
I'm sick of people not giving a fuck.
A lot of people in my life give a fuck. I just need to pick a dick that does next time, or at least one that makes it clear ahead of time that it doesn't. Or something. I don't know. Actually I don't want any dick that doesn't give a fuck. It doesn't have to be in love with me, or even have feelings for me, but it has to care about me as a person. No more dick that doesn't give a fuck.
Lol
Just like, for once in your life could you not.
I'm so sick of feeling nauseous because I'm upset about a boy doing something shitty to me.
I'm so tired of that feeling.
I don't know if I need to just stop giving a fuck about any boy for a while or if I need to just learn to choose em better but whatever it is, I need a break.
I'm sick of feeling sick.
I'm sick of people not giving a fuck.
A lot of people in my life give a fuck. I just need to pick a dick that does next time, or at least one that makes it clear ahead of time that it doesn't. Or something. I don't know. Actually I don't want any dick that doesn't give a fuck. It doesn't have to be in love with me, or even have feelings for me, but it has to care about me as a person. No more dick that doesn't give a fuck.
Bullet
Okay, I definitely am picking up what you're throwing down. Don't worry. I'm gettin it.
You won't have to have any awkward conversations. I'm sure you were hoping for that.
I don't know if I really want to see you anymore.
When we first started hanging out you were acting boyfriendy and smitten as hell.
Then out of nowhere you just gave me that speech about wanting something casual and went silent on me after that. No communicado.
The thing is, I can do casual. I can do fwb. I can even do fuck buddy. But the problem I have with you is that I don't know you at all. I don't really know anything about who you are or what you're like. That takes a lot more time than there's been. And in order for me to have any kind of relationship with someone, even if it's a fuck buddy, there has to be some level of trust there. I have to trust that that person isn't going to fuck somebody else without protection and then do the same thing with me without getting tested first. I have to trust that someone isn't going to put me in a position where I feel uncomfortable. The list goes on, in that vein.
You can't really trust somebody that you don't know. But the only way that you can at least feel pretty comfortable about the situation, if you don't know that person, is if their behavior has been consistent. And you haven't been so good at that. You went from fourth to first gear in one second flat with no real explanation. You said what you wanted and changed gears, but you didn't say why your behavior had been one thing and was suddenly something completely different, and you didn't explain why you'd stopped talking to me. Nothing. I can't trust or feel comfortable with someone like that. I don't know your intentions and that behavior makes me think maybe you don't know either. I'm not comfortable with that.
So that's where I'm at. Right now you're looking a lot like a bullet I want to dodge.
You won't have to have any awkward conversations. I'm sure you were hoping for that.
I don't know if I really want to see you anymore.
When we first started hanging out you were acting boyfriendy and smitten as hell.
Then out of nowhere you just gave me that speech about wanting something casual and went silent on me after that. No communicado.
The thing is, I can do casual. I can do fwb. I can even do fuck buddy. But the problem I have with you is that I don't know you at all. I don't really know anything about who you are or what you're like. That takes a lot more time than there's been. And in order for me to have any kind of relationship with someone, even if it's a fuck buddy, there has to be some level of trust there. I have to trust that that person isn't going to fuck somebody else without protection and then do the same thing with me without getting tested first. I have to trust that someone isn't going to put me in a position where I feel uncomfortable. The list goes on, in that vein.
You can't really trust somebody that you don't know. But the only way that you can at least feel pretty comfortable about the situation, if you don't know that person, is if their behavior has been consistent. And you haven't been so good at that. You went from fourth to first gear in one second flat with no real explanation. You said what you wanted and changed gears, but you didn't say why your behavior had been one thing and was suddenly something completely different, and you didn't explain why you'd stopped talking to me. Nothing. I can't trust or feel comfortable with someone like that. I don't know your intentions and that behavior makes me think maybe you don't know either. I'm not comfortable with that.
So that's where I'm at. Right now you're looking a lot like a bullet I want to dodge.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Fuck
This is so stupid.
This was all your idea.
This was your fucking brainchild.
YOU asked ME out.
Good one.
I never would have even let it occur to me, that this was an option, if you hadn't started it.
I just needed a rebound. That's all. That's really simple. Some guy that I have a fun time with, and we get along good, and we make each other laugh, and they're a decent distraction for long enough that I can move on with my life.
You're not a fucking rebound.
You're the list I never made.
You're every fucking point that I never wrote down because it was unrealistic.
And I'm old enough now, and I've lived with myself long enough now, that I know myself.
And what I know is that I'm going to fall in love with you.
I won't be able to help it.
You're every point on the list I never dared to make.
I just needed a rebound. Why did you have to show up right now.
I need to not see you again. Maybe I'll just stop texting you and I'll get lucky and you'll stop texting me too. Maybe that's what it's like to be lucky. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I don't need this right now. I don't need someone like you right now. This is the last fucking thing that I need. Go away, go away until I've got the demons out of my system and until you manifest as someone who maybe wants to stay. I can't fucking deal with this right now. You're too perfect. Not as a person, not as a human, but you're too perfect for me and I don't need that right now. I need something that doesn't mean anything, and there is no fucking way in heaven or hell that I could ever have you around and have you not mean anything. I feel like I'm on crazy pills right now. How could I feel this strongly about, not how I feel, but how I know I will feel if I don't quit seeing someone. How could I already know that shit. But I do. I'm going to fucking fall in love with you if I keep seeing you. I don't know when. I don't know how long it'll take. But I know with absolutely no doubt that it will happen. And you've already made it clear that you don't want that.
The only option is not seeing you anymore.
Yeah, it's crazy that I feel this strongly about it so quickly.
But it's not because I'm going through a breakup.
It's not about that shit at all.
It's because you're everything I ever fucking wanted.
And I know that shit. I already know. It doesn't take a whole lot of time.
I can fucking feel that shit.
I wish you hadn't shown up right now.
I wish you could've waited a while.
Because now I have to bail.
Bad fucking timing.
Bad timing.
I'm not willing to love the way I know I'd love you if I kept seeing you.
I won't fucking do it.
I already know where that road goes, because you told me.
And if I've learned anything from the last six years of bullshit, it's this:
if someone tells you who they are, and what they want, you don't try to convince them otherwise.
You just fucking believe them.
This was all your idea.
This was your fucking brainchild.
YOU asked ME out.
Good one.
I never would have even let it occur to me, that this was an option, if you hadn't started it.
I just needed a rebound. That's all. That's really simple. Some guy that I have a fun time with, and we get along good, and we make each other laugh, and they're a decent distraction for long enough that I can move on with my life.
You're not a fucking rebound.
You're the list I never made.
You're every fucking point that I never wrote down because it was unrealistic.
And I'm old enough now, and I've lived with myself long enough now, that I know myself.
And what I know is that I'm going to fall in love with you.
I won't be able to help it.
You're every point on the list I never dared to make.
I just needed a rebound. Why did you have to show up right now.
I need to not see you again. Maybe I'll just stop texting you and I'll get lucky and you'll stop texting me too. Maybe that's what it's like to be lucky. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I don't need this right now. I don't need someone like you right now. This is the last fucking thing that I need. Go away, go away until I've got the demons out of my system and until you manifest as someone who maybe wants to stay. I can't fucking deal with this right now. You're too perfect. Not as a person, not as a human, but you're too perfect for me and I don't need that right now. I need something that doesn't mean anything, and there is no fucking way in heaven or hell that I could ever have you around and have you not mean anything. I feel like I'm on crazy pills right now. How could I feel this strongly about, not how I feel, but how I know I will feel if I don't quit seeing someone. How could I already know that shit. But I do. I'm going to fucking fall in love with you if I keep seeing you. I don't know when. I don't know how long it'll take. But I know with absolutely no doubt that it will happen. And you've already made it clear that you don't want that.
The only option is not seeing you anymore.
Yeah, it's crazy that I feel this strongly about it so quickly.
But it's not because I'm going through a breakup.
It's not about that shit at all.
It's because you're everything I ever fucking wanted.
And I know that shit. I already know. It doesn't take a whole lot of time.
I can fucking feel that shit.
I wish you hadn't shown up right now.
I wish you could've waited a while.
Because now I have to bail.
Bad fucking timing.
Bad timing.
I'm not willing to love the way I know I'd love you if I kept seeing you.
I won't fucking do it.
I already know where that road goes, because you told me.
And if I've learned anything from the last six years of bullshit, it's this:
if someone tells you who they are, and what they want, you don't try to convince them otherwise.
You just fucking believe them.
[this may have been a rant when i was fucked up]
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