You

I saw you the other day. You asked me if I still loved you, and you said you felt like maybe I didn't. I thought to myself: I don't love you, not the way that I used to. I said nothing.

It changes all the time. Some days I feel nothing, some days I feel much too much. I can't make it stop, can't get off the roller coaster ride.

And worst of all, I'm dragging you along behind me, you with all your love for me, you with all the things you say and do that just piss me off sometimes, but you with all your love, you're not even in the roller car.

You're tied to the back and bumping along on the tracks behind me.

I need to make up my mind.

The Hurt

I sit and eat sour gum balls until the acid starts wearing down my tongue. Until it burns. Until it bleeds. And I keep doing it. Because I like it. It scares me that I'll keep doing something I think that I like long after it's obviously been hurting me.

Help

I haven't seen you in almost four years.
The other day, at university, in the hall, I turned a corner and thought I saw you standing there.
It wasn't you. But my heart stopped in my chest, like a lead weight dropping through my head and my spine and my toes, like a piece of a black hole, dropping through my feet to the center of the earth, passing through the other side, spiraling into the universe. Its wake was filled with a sudden tingling, a buzzing in my head that turned to a roar, a sudden feeling of now-ness. Now, now, now. All in the span of the second it took me to realize it wasn't really you. It took me hours to take my mind back from your memory.

What am I supposed to do? Can you tell me that? Why did you make me fall in love with you? Why did you change my life if you didn't want to be a part of it? Actively changed it. Went way the fuck out of your way, to change my life. And then walked out of it once I didn't know what to do without you. God damn you. God damn you. I love you so much, more than myself, more than anything. Nothing's ever meant that to me, not like you. What the hell am I supposed to do. You didn't know what you were doing to me.

Noone else makes me feel that way when they walk in a room (or even if I think they do). Not one person on earth. Not even close. And still, after all this time... help. Help me. I need something. Anything. It's been 10 years since I fell in love with you. I can do nothing to stop this. Don't think I'm holding on tight. I've been pushing it out the door, dumping it off at the station, tying it in a bag and throwing it in the river, over and over, year after year, and it keeps finding its way back to me. And I'm out of bags and I'm out of trains and I'm out of strength.

Desire versus Wisdom

I want to know you. I want to know you now as I glimpsed you then.
I think a sunrise the likes of which has never been seen would unfold, right there before my eyes.
I think I would witness a miracle with my bare eyes, and I wouldn't even go blind from it.

I think my love for you would be too overwhelming, if I ever did get the chance to tell you.
I think I wouldn't want to put you in that position. Wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable.
I think after all these years of cradling you in my heart, you must be standing on a pedestal in my head.
I don't know how it could be otherwise.
I think it wouldn't be fair to you, to know you now, knowing you're on that pedestal.
After everything you've done for me, and all the world you've meant to me as long as I can remember, I  don't think I could ever take you down enough for you to be human.
You don't deserve that, even if by some miracle you thought I deserved you.
I just wish there was some way to get this out of my chest.
It beats inside me like a quetzal in a tiny cage.

Without you... as I have been.

I am beyond despair. I feel an undying helplessness now.
Because you plague me still.
My heart never forgot you.
You'll be with me always.
In my thoughts
my prayers
my dreams.

And I never got to tell you how I feel.

Maybe the worst part is that I worry that you wouldn't even care enough to listen.

Maybe the worst part is that it doesn't make a difference either way.
The song remains the same.

How can I still miss you when it's been so many years?
How can I still love you?
I'll love you all my life.
I just wish I could look in your eyes and say so.
Just one chance.

It's these things

It's the things in our past that we never really got over,
never talked about
never got out
never let ourselves think about,
not really.
Maybe we don't feel like we deserve them
if we want them more than anything
Maybe we don't feel like we deserved them
if we'd give anything to be rid of them

Either way, it's these things that plague my dreams.

The hopes

May the fear you feel be like a kaleidoscope
May you see the colors refracted in your aversions
May you feel happiness in it

May the words, even if they sound all wrong, come out
May the time, even if it feels long, be taken
May this heart, even if it's not sure, be true