Well. I made a fucking list.

Reasons why this is actually a good thing:

1. He's a drug dealer
2. He doesn't really have any skills besides being a drug dealer and he never finished college, and
3. He isn't careful about things at all and will most likely get caught at some point. I mean, he got a fucking DUI, his license is suspended. And still the other day he had 3 or 4 big drinks at Mimosa's when you went for brunch and you offered to drive because you hadn't had so much as a sip of one drink, and he declined. He drove after drinking a bunch on a suspended license, literally for no reason, with a sober licensed driver who was willing to drive in the front seat. He could have lost everything. He just doesn't think, or he doesn't care, or something.
4. He wants to have a shit load of kids and you don't, especially because
5. You don't want to be the baby mama to a drug dealer who is in prison for who knows how long and end up a single mom taking care of a bunch of kids in the country. Like holy shit you've worked so hard to be independent and financially stable/well off, why would you risk everything you've ever worked for. Maybe Scott can do this his whole life and not get caught but that's because Scott is careful. Tunny is the exact opposite of careful, he's a total drama queen.
6. You don't even know for sure whether you want kids or not
7. He says shit like "I wasn't meant to be a killer" when breaking up with you, which is so childish, like are you a twelve year old watching gangster movies? What the fuck? lol
8. The strip club obsession
9. He's really easily influenced by other people and will do things he doesn't necessarily want to do just so people think highly of him / so people will think he's cool. You can't depend on someone like that
10. He avoids all of his problems instead of learning to face them. Including you
11. He's self centered. It's all about "would you consider moving out to the country" "Would you want to have kids" "this this this" "that that that" and never once did he say he would be willing to give anything up to be with you. It was all about "here's my dream and my vision, are you willing to change the shape of yourself to fit into my puzzle." He never once thought about giving anything of his up to fit into your dreams or life. He sees himself as the protagonist and he's looking for a sidekick. That's all.
12. He's an alcoholic

I'm going to add more as I go because this is actually really helpful.

Look. I know there's a lot of things about him that work really well for you. He's fun, he's personable, he's outgoing, he's very kind, and he's funny, and he's thoughtful, and he's gracious and appreciative and protective and loving. There's a lot of good things. I get that. But look. He is not the only man in the world who is those things. You can and you will find someone who has those qualities without you worrying about sacrificing your freedom to support their dreams when they don't even treat those dreams, or you, with care. If you go along with this and stick by him, aware of all of that, then that makes you just as careless as he is. And you're not. You're not careless at all. You know I'm right.

I don't understand

I can't believe I lost you.

There was something about you being there that I believed. It felt like you were supposed to be there. I've literally never felt that way about another person before. It wasn't like, an emotion. It wasn't some projection from love or my feelings or anything like that. It was something totally separate. I just knew in my bones that you were supposed to be there.

I remember when we were driving back from New Mexico, we were out in the desert and I was driving the truck. I was trying to get to a gas station but I turned too early, and you told me to drive the truck up this steep ass sandy hill to get to the gas station parking lot, instead of turning around. I did it and I was just laughing my ass off driving up this sandpile in the desert sun. I don't know. I felt so free. Like we could just do anything and we wouldn't ever have to turn around. Like taking a wrong turn could be something that you remember in a good way.

I went into the gas station while you were putting gas in the truck and bought cigarettes. There was a coffee bar inside, so I was waiting in line to get a drink, just standing there with my cigarettes. It's so funny because a lot of times important moments happen so randomly, in the most nondescript places, for no particular reason. But you walked in the door, and I looked up and saw you there. We walked towards each other and I stepped in and wrapped my arms around you and put my head on your shoulder. And I swear to God I just had this feeling in my whole body like I would be standing in random places holding you for the rest of my life. Like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Like I would never have to doubt again if it was the right person because it simply was. I'd found you. It absolutely shook me.

But I lost you. That can't be right. That doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense.

That's it.

Well. I finally went and did it. I knew he was going to be leaving for a month in January, but I didn't really put two and two together about him going to new york and then hawaii first. I wish he'd been more honest with me. Honestly, I thought he was going to ask me to come to new york with him. He asked me if I wanted to go a couple months ago but then never brought it up again, but I thought he was going to. In my head I was thinking, yeah it sucks that he'll be gone for a month but we'll get to spend most of winter break together, and I can wait a month, and it'll be okay.

I was totally wrong. Holy shit @ how wrong I was.

I don't know. I honestly do understand why he feels like he needs to focus on himself and work through his issues and figure out what he wants and needs in life. His best friend died and he's had a hard year/life and like.. okay. That makes sense. You don't want to be in a relationship right now. But why the fuck didn't you tell me that to begin with? You were introducing me to people as "your girl" and asking me if I would ever want to have kids, and all kinds of shit. You took me to meet all your friends and family in the state. If you knew you didn't want a relationship you should not have been behaving that way. Those aren't things you do with someone when it's just casual. It's like you wanted the security and tenderness of a relationship to help ease some of your hurt up until you were ready to go deal with it, but you allowed me to believe that it was something it wasn't.

And not only that, when we were driving to Scott's for breakfast a few weeks ago, your friend called you on the phone and asked what you were up to and you said something about, going to get breakfast with my lady. And the friend was like oh wow you have a girlfriend? Congrats! That's great. And you were like yeah thanks. And then when you got off the phone you looked at me and said "Are you my lady?" And I said "let's talk about it" and you said "ok we'll talk about it." But we obviously couldn't right then because we were pulling up to Scott's and we were already late. And then you just never brought it up again. But like, why did you phrase that as a question!? If you say it that way, it makes it sound like it's open to discussion, like it could go either way. But now you're telling me you knew this whole time that you weren't ready for that. The degree to which you misled me is just... it's just really bad.

If my feelings toward you were clearly pretty low key or casual or whatever it still wouldn't be great but it would be slightly more understandable. But I think it's pretty obvious to literally anyone who has seen me with you in the history of ever that I'm in love with you. You should have told me this a long, long time ago. You should have told me this before New Mexico if we're being honest. If you knew this was a hard and fast line you should have clearly communicated it before anyone caught feelings, so that I could at least make a decision or act based on the facts.

You not wanting to be in a relationship given your circumstances is truly understandable, that's not the problem. I don't understand why you did this. I know you probably just didn't want to lose me and you've been feeling numb for a long time and being around me made you feel something and you needed that and you couldn't bring yourself to tell me and lose me. I get that. But if you really cared about me you would have done it anyway. You had a choice between hurting yourself or hurting me and you chose to hurt me, even if it was a subconscious choice. That was the choice you made. Doesn't really sound like boyfriend, husband, or father material.

If you ever come back, I'll have a lot of questions for you, and you better hope I like your answers. That's all, I guess.