Because of you

You don't think I really love you.

You said, you thought I was just looking for love.

Like if it hadn't been you, it would have just been the next person I met.

Somebody.
Anybody.

I said, I wasn't looking for love. I wasn't trying to find that.

But maybe that's not true.

I guess I kind of was looking for it. Not that I can just fall in love with anybody.
Not that it doesn't matter who.
Not that I was hell bent.

But sure, I wanted that in my life. I still do.

And I suppose it's possible that that is part of the reason I fell so fast.

But it couldn't have just been anyone.
It didn't just happen because "I was looking for love."

I know that for sure. I'm certain of that.
Because sometimes when you're looking for something, you convince yourself you found it.
And that it's real.

But you have made me find things I forgot to look for, because it's been so long.
And you've made me find things I didn't know to look for at all.
And you can't fake that.

I forgot what it was like.
I forgot to look for that feeling where you're completely at peace.
Where you completely belong.
Because I forgot about that feeling.

But with you, I felt it.
And I remembered.

I forgot to look for that feeling where you cherish the feeling
of lightly brushing your fingers across a tee shirt
feeling that it's soft, and solid.
Thinking, I love that shoulder.
Thinking you'd go to the ends of the earth for that shoulder.
Being overwhelmed.
I forgot about that feeling.

But with you, I felt it.
And I remembered.

I forgot to look for that feeling of looking into a pair of eyes
that strike you like a bullet through your brain.
Of a smile, inches from yours, that makes your chest feel so tight inside
as if you forgot how to breathe
even though that's silly.
I forgot about that feeling.

But with you, I felt it.
And I remembered.

I didn't know to look for those things. They just happened.
You can't fake that.
You can't look for something that you can't remember to look for in the first place.

But slowly, piece by piece, you're reminding me.

As I sit here keying these words my heart hurts.
My insides twist a fraction.

Maybe you don't want to know.
Maybe it would make you feel uncomfortable.
But even so, I don't really care.
I just wish you knew.

It could've been anyone.
But it was you.

And now, I remember. And now, I don't ever want to forget.
I love you with all of this.
I wish you knew. I wish you believed.

You're in my heart, now.
I don't ever want to lose you.
I just wish you could believe that maybe all of this started because of me.
But now it's because of you.

I wish you believed me

I love you.

Antiquity

Laying in bed behind you. Watching some documentary about suicide bombers on buses in Israel. Stupid. Wasteful. You're tearing up a little bit and trying to hide it because you always get embarrassed when you tear up from movies or television. Looking from the screen to your shoulder, right in front of me. Black cotton t-shirt, stretched over bone and muscle. Over you.

I would completely lose my mind if anything ever happened to that shoulder. I love that shoulder. I reach out slowly, touch the fabric as lightly as I can. Just to make sure you're still there, just to make sure you're still safe. You reach behind you, take my hand, pull it over you and into your chest so I'm hugging you tight. Fingers twine together, tighten for a moment.

I would completely lose my mind if anything ever happened to you.

And now the feeling is old. There's no questioning left to do. Have I waited long enough. Is the moment right. Is this what we need, what we want, what's good for us. There's none of those things here, not anymore, not for me. I love you in an old way. I would rip apart the fabric of this world to keep you safe. I would be your Atlas and promise never to shrug.