I thought that maybe the level of feeling that I felt last time would never happen again. Like maybe that's something that only happens when you're really young. I think I was wrong.
I can't explain what I feel for you. It's different than any way I've ever felt before. I've had really deep loves. But I still knew those people weren't right for me, and that knowledge kind of tempered things, somehow. Any time they let me down and I felt the pain of that love, I knew. Any time I looked at who they were as a person and knew in my heart that I would never be happy with them I felt the pain from my love. You're the first. I'm not saying that you'll never do anything to hurt or disappoint me. That's too much to expect from anyone. What I mean is that my love for you itself doesn't hurt me.
Even when I felt the deepest love for someone in the past, that love itself was painful because I knew it wouldn't last. I knew it wasn't someone I could stay with if I wanted to live a happy life.
You're the first and only person that I've felt this way about. My love doesn't hurt me. Because you're everything. You're it. You're what I want. And maybe it won't work out. It might not. But at least I'm not staring at the finish line before I've even reached the halfway mark. I'm confident about you. I could be happy with you. I could live a joyful life and never feel like I'd settled or was missing out. You're someone that I'm proud of. You're kind, and intelligent, and motivated, and selfless, you're fun and thoughtful and adventurous. I would not look back and regret having chosen you. I know that in my bones. I never even realized how every love I've ever had has been tinged with sadness until now, because this one isn't.
It amazes me how happy I am, and how peaceful I feel. Just laying in your bed and breathing in the smell of your pillow is enough to make the world feel perfect. Nothing feels like heaven more than laying against you with our bare skin pressed together. I love the way you purr. That sound literally makes my chest constrict until it hurts. It makes my brain and my heart just go... "protectlovekeepholdcherishcomfort" . There are times when I'm holding you and I squeeze as tight as I can and I just want to get closer even though I've squeezed all the space out from between us and there's nowhere closer to go. I guess that the only place closer than against my skin is under it, and you've definitely done that.
I could list a million little things that you make me feel, but in the end it's just you. You're everything. You're the love of my life.
Monday, May 25, 2020
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
All you have to do
I want to hold your hand every day, for as many days as I have. I want to take every broken thing that you put back together and use it to lift you up. Sometimes I can't believe that I deserve this. Sometimes I'm scared about how much I feel I've come to need you.
Because I've worked so hard, and I've done so much. To be productive, to contribute, to build a life. To follow what I'm passionate about, what I love, what I'm good at. To take care of others. But nothing has ever felt like a reason for being, one that answered every question, like sitting quietly next to you does.
Sometimes I think that maybe, I gave you the rest of my days on the day that I met you. And if you ever want them, all you have to do is ask.
Because I've worked so hard, and I've done so much. To be productive, to contribute, to build a life. To follow what I'm passionate about, what I love, what I'm good at. To take care of others. But nothing has ever felt like a reason for being, one that answered every question, like sitting quietly next to you does.
Sometimes I think that maybe, I gave you the rest of my days on the day that I met you. And if you ever want them, all you have to do is ask.
Saturday, March 7, 2020
Little things
It's funny to me the things that stick with me about you.
We've done a lot together in five months. Five months is a really short time considering all the memories that I have with you. But the things that really stick in my memory the most are always things that wouldn't seem very memorable if I tried to describe them.
I just, have these odd moments of clarity about you, and they always hit me in the most quiet, unassuming moments.
"I will never buy you shoes." The look on your face. The way I could feel the look on my face when you said that. And how after you went in the store, I pulled down the passenger side mirror to look at my face because I knew that whatever expression was on it was one I'd never seen there before. And I was right.
I am afraid of being abandoned. It's odd that I told you that when I was drunk, I don't remember saying that. It makes me wonder what else I've admitted and don't remember.
And I am afraid of this feeling. I've only felt a feeling comparable to this one other time in my life, but it was back when I was raving all the time, so it was really easy to just get it out since I was on molly all the time. Now I'm like, I feel all of this shit, and I want to tell you but I don't want to tell you. I don't want to say too much and freak you out or scare you away. But I also don't want to say nothing and mess it up because I didn't let you see how I really feel.
That's what I was caught up about driving out of Chicago. I thought about what I wanted to say really carefully because I wanted to find a balance. I remember saying to you that I want you to know what I mean when I say I love you. Because I said it pretty fast, I know that. And I realized, you're not in my head. You don't know what I'm thinking and feeling. It might not seem sincere if I just say I love you but I don't say anything more about it. So I wanted you to know what I meant. I remember telling you that when I'm around you my heart hurts, like I got punched in the chest.
And there. Right there was one of those moments that stuck with me, for some reason. You glanced over at me really quick and then looked back at the road and just breathed out, a short sharp huff. And you didn't say anything. There's maybe different ways to interpret that but I just felt like you really heard me. Like you got it. Something about that glance, something about that sound.
I really hope you don't run. You might. I don't know. I've done plenty of running in my life. It's not a judgement. And of course I don't want you to do anything you don't want to. I'm not trying to pin you down and I definitely never want to hold you back. This is probably scary for you too. It's really, really scary for me. It's honestly fucking terrifying.
Because I keep having thoughts that I've never had before. I keep having thoughts like, I want to keep you forever. I want to spend the rest of my life petting your hair and scratching your back. I want that mouth to be the mouth that I kiss every day, all of the days. That voice, that smile, those eyes. Those ridiculous impressions that you do. The way you rap along to J Cole and the way you sing along to chick music in the car. Your goofy giggle that you do and the way you punch the air when you get really excited. The way you get really excited so easily. I want all of it, and I'm going to keep wanting all of it.
That's why this is so scary for me. I've never felt that way before. Everyone I've ever been with, or felt strongly about, I still just appreciated them in the moment. I didn't want anything. I didn't feel that. But with you, for the first time, I want to keep you. Not just for some of the days, but for the rest of them. I don't understand it. I've only known you 6 months. My longest relationship was 6 years and I didn't feel this way. I have never in my entire life, wanted to give my life to anyone. You're the only one.
And that's so fucking scary. It really, really freaks me out. That I could feel that way about another person. That you can just feel that way, for another human being, and you've got no guarantees. And of course I'll never tell you that, I mean we've been dating for like 3 months and that's batshit insane and I would never, ever actually say it. But like. I feel that way. And I know you really care about me but there's no fucking way that you feel the same way I do. Sometimes I just feel so much when I'm with you and it's terrifying not knowing how you feel in return. Do you ever feel like you've been punched in the chest? Do you feel any of this? Maybe I'm batshit crazy but it feels like you're my soulmate and I don't know if you feel it too or if I'm just. By myself in this. I wish I knew but it's way too early to say shit like that. Actually what do I know about when to say shit like that, I've never said that to anyone because I've never felt that way towards another person before. Just you. So this is all new to me and I'm trying my best to navigate it but it's just. It's really scary.
We've done a lot together in five months. Five months is a really short time considering all the memories that I have with you. But the things that really stick in my memory the most are always things that wouldn't seem very memorable if I tried to describe them.
I just, have these odd moments of clarity about you, and they always hit me in the most quiet, unassuming moments.
"I will never buy you shoes." The look on your face. The way I could feel the look on my face when you said that. And how after you went in the store, I pulled down the passenger side mirror to look at my face because I knew that whatever expression was on it was one I'd never seen there before. And I was right.
I am afraid of being abandoned. It's odd that I told you that when I was drunk, I don't remember saying that. It makes me wonder what else I've admitted and don't remember.
And I am afraid of this feeling. I've only felt a feeling comparable to this one other time in my life, but it was back when I was raving all the time, so it was really easy to just get it out since I was on molly all the time. Now I'm like, I feel all of this shit, and I want to tell you but I don't want to tell you. I don't want to say too much and freak you out or scare you away. But I also don't want to say nothing and mess it up because I didn't let you see how I really feel.
That's what I was caught up about driving out of Chicago. I thought about what I wanted to say really carefully because I wanted to find a balance. I remember saying to you that I want you to know what I mean when I say I love you. Because I said it pretty fast, I know that. And I realized, you're not in my head. You don't know what I'm thinking and feeling. It might not seem sincere if I just say I love you but I don't say anything more about it. So I wanted you to know what I meant. I remember telling you that when I'm around you my heart hurts, like I got punched in the chest.
And there. Right there was one of those moments that stuck with me, for some reason. You glanced over at me really quick and then looked back at the road and just breathed out, a short sharp huff. And you didn't say anything. There's maybe different ways to interpret that but I just felt like you really heard me. Like you got it. Something about that glance, something about that sound.
I really hope you don't run. You might. I don't know. I've done plenty of running in my life. It's not a judgement. And of course I don't want you to do anything you don't want to. I'm not trying to pin you down and I definitely never want to hold you back. This is probably scary for you too. It's really, really scary for me. It's honestly fucking terrifying.
Because I keep having thoughts that I've never had before. I keep having thoughts like, I want to keep you forever. I want to spend the rest of my life petting your hair and scratching your back. I want that mouth to be the mouth that I kiss every day, all of the days. That voice, that smile, those eyes. Those ridiculous impressions that you do. The way you rap along to J Cole and the way you sing along to chick music in the car. Your goofy giggle that you do and the way you punch the air when you get really excited. The way you get really excited so easily. I want all of it, and I'm going to keep wanting all of it.
That's why this is so scary for me. I've never felt that way before. Everyone I've ever been with, or felt strongly about, I still just appreciated them in the moment. I didn't want anything. I didn't feel that. But with you, for the first time, I want to keep you. Not just for some of the days, but for the rest of them. I don't understand it. I've only known you 6 months. My longest relationship was 6 years and I didn't feel this way. I have never in my entire life, wanted to give my life to anyone. You're the only one.
And that's so fucking scary. It really, really freaks me out. That I could feel that way about another person. That you can just feel that way, for another human being, and you've got no guarantees. And of course I'll never tell you that, I mean we've been dating for like 3 months and that's batshit insane and I would never, ever actually say it. But like. I feel that way. And I know you really care about me but there's no fucking way that you feel the same way I do. Sometimes I just feel so much when I'm with you and it's terrifying not knowing how you feel in return. Do you ever feel like you've been punched in the chest? Do you feel any of this? Maybe I'm batshit crazy but it feels like you're my soulmate and I don't know if you feel it too or if I'm just. By myself in this. I wish I knew but it's way too early to say shit like that. Actually what do I know about when to say shit like that, I've never said that to anyone because I've never felt that way towards another person before. Just you. So this is all new to me and I'm trying my best to navigate it but it's just. It's really scary.
Tuesday, January 28, 2020
Nomine
I don't know what I'm saying, I'm drunk right now.
This can't be. You can't be real. This whole idea of a you can't be real. I'm fighting it so hard because I don't believe in it.
You appeared. Ok. We noticed each other. We talked. We got drunk. We made out. I've done that before.
I noticed you more than I noticed anybody else, ever, but I didn't notice that at the time.
There was just, something that was slightly different.
It was something about the way that, every time I walked away from you, to smoke, to get another drink, to use the bathroom, whatever. Every time I separated myself from you the night that I met you, every atom in me was focused on just getting myself back next to you as soon as I was able. I walked back in the bar from wherever I'd been and I was looking. You, you, you. Where are you now. Be next to you. Single minded. Just be next to you, wherever you are.
When we were in the desert. It wasn't always perfect. There were times I was confused, or annoyed, or hurt. What you said, what you did. But always you were there like you were supposed to be. Every moment. Everything that was broke could be fixed. Not easily, but naturally I guess. We found all of the broken points even then, and they naturally bound back together.
I don't know what I'm getting at with this. Just that you felt like I was dreaming. Every moment with you was a moment I'd been waiting for. Like you were more than human. Not like an angel. Not like a noun. Not even like a verb. Like some, I don't know, like some abstract adjective that somehow in a single word managed to sum up my entire life. Summed up everything I'd ever dreamed about, everything I'd ever wanted to be, everything I'd ever wanted to defeat. You were just one word that described me.
That word doesn't exist in English. It probably doesn't exist in any language there's ever been. If I were Ursula K Le Guin, I'd say it's my name. You're my name.
Sometimes I get drunk and I ask if you're real. Because I don't believe there's another person who's presence is the same as my name. There can't be. It's not possible.
I won't even let myself fall in love with you to the degree that I would, if you were less than that. Because it's too much. It's not even that I'd have that much bigger of a hole to dig myself out of. It's that you would have my life. I can't give any person that, not even myself. I don't know how, and even if I did I don't know if it's something given to humans to give.
This all just feels so much bigger than me that it's like looking at the stars. Something dreamers do, but just when they're in that place between awake and asleep. It can't be real. It can't stay.
You are my name
And I feel hesitant, maybe even horrified, to even type that out. To hand someone that, even if I'm drunk. I feel my name in the wind that passes through me when you're around. There, put it that way.
This can't be. You can't be real. This whole idea of a you can't be real. I'm fighting it so hard because I don't believe in it.
You appeared. Ok. We noticed each other. We talked. We got drunk. We made out. I've done that before.
I noticed you more than I noticed anybody else, ever, but I didn't notice that at the time.
There was just, something that was slightly different.
It was something about the way that, every time I walked away from you, to smoke, to get another drink, to use the bathroom, whatever. Every time I separated myself from you the night that I met you, every atom in me was focused on just getting myself back next to you as soon as I was able. I walked back in the bar from wherever I'd been and I was looking. You, you, you. Where are you now. Be next to you. Single minded. Just be next to you, wherever you are.
When we were in the desert. It wasn't always perfect. There were times I was confused, or annoyed, or hurt. What you said, what you did. But always you were there like you were supposed to be. Every moment. Everything that was broke could be fixed. Not easily, but naturally I guess. We found all of the broken points even then, and they naturally bound back together.
I don't know what I'm getting at with this. Just that you felt like I was dreaming. Every moment with you was a moment I'd been waiting for. Like you were more than human. Not like an angel. Not like a noun. Not even like a verb. Like some, I don't know, like some abstract adjective that somehow in a single word managed to sum up my entire life. Summed up everything I'd ever dreamed about, everything I'd ever wanted to be, everything I'd ever wanted to defeat. You were just one word that described me.
That word doesn't exist in English. It probably doesn't exist in any language there's ever been. If I were Ursula K Le Guin, I'd say it's my name. You're my name.
Sometimes I get drunk and I ask if you're real. Because I don't believe there's another person who's presence is the same as my name. There can't be. It's not possible.
I won't even let myself fall in love with you to the degree that I would, if you were less than that. Because it's too much. It's not even that I'd have that much bigger of a hole to dig myself out of. It's that you would have my life. I can't give any person that, not even myself. I don't know how, and even if I did I don't know if it's something given to humans to give.
This all just feels so much bigger than me that it's like looking at the stars. Something dreamers do, but just when they're in that place between awake and asleep. It can't be real. It can't stay.
You are my name
And I feel hesitant, maybe even horrified, to even type that out. To hand someone that, even if I'm drunk. I feel my name in the wind that passes through me when you're around. There, put it that way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)