Okay hold on let me add one more thing

 FROM NOW ON YOU DUMB BITCH.

How long have you had this blog? How many times have you simped over some asshole who couldn't care less about you, who cheated on you and treated you like shit, and just went oooooooooh hes the ONE FOR ME. I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH. While he was obviously acting like you were a pile of steaming shit he'd just stepped in

Point is, your emotions literally can't be trusted. You pick the most god awful people, just because they're narcissistic manipulating liars and manage to convince you that they're good. You pick these obviously damaged people, most of whom have been abused as children, and you fall in love with who you think they are deep down in their hearts, and then you let them treat you like absolute fucking garbage. And you LET THEM, because oh DEEP DOWN THEYRE SUCH GOOD PEOPLE theyre just HURTING and you can HEAL THEIR PAIN with the POWER OF LOVE

Shut the fuck up. Just shut the fucking fuck up. This rage post isn't just about Tunny, it's the result of your inner voice being fucking SICK of the way you've let yourself be treated for OVER TEN YEARS. STOP IT. FUCKING STOP. I'm fucking TIRED OF IT. There is no love at first sight. There is no soul mates, or past lives, and even if there is, who fucking cares because it's not a good enough reason to let someone into your heart who is a SHITTY HUMAN BEING

I'm DONE. I'm OVER IT. I'm not saying I don't believe in real love, but these damaged ass people who just go on to damage you and offer you NOTHING worthwhile are NOT IT. They're NOT REAL LOVE. They never have been. 

I swear to god the next time you give someone a chance, the next time you let yourself feel ANYTHING, which I guarantee won't be for a long ass fucking time, it's not going to be because you just FEEL SO MUCH. I don't give a FUCK about your feelings. Look where your stupid feelings have gotten us. BACK THE FUCK UP AND THINK FOR ONCE. Look at who someone actually IS. Get to know them, make them hang around and be in your life long enough to actually know who they are as a person and not just who they want to make you think that they are, before you let yourself feel ANYTHING. People are fucking LIARS and MANIPULATORS and you need to fucking protect yourself.

Over my dead fucking body will I let one more man in my entire LIFE treat me like a worthless piece of god damn garbage that feeds his ego while I fucking pine after him. Over my GOD DAMN BODY IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

Babe. For real.

 Letter to myself:

Babe. For real. Have you read every blog entry, every google sheets doc, every open office doc, every reddit post? Have you read everything you've written about your relationship?

About how he makes you feel like a saltine cracker. About how he cheats on you and lies to you. About how insecure me makes you feel, how blamed, how tolerated.

Have you actually read this shit? You have the biggest problem I've ever seen with rose colored glasses, making all the screaming red flags just look like flags.

If you're actually impartial, and just read what you've written over the past few years, you'll realize literally nothing has changed. You're still just as fucked up over the same old things as you were three years ago. Not a damn thing has changed. You're so, so unhappy and beaten down.

Why are you wasting so much time on this idiot? It's funny, looking back on the Ben relationship. At the time it felt so loving and so true and so real. And now, looking back, it's just this cringey sort of embarrassment that you ever gave that person the time of day.

You're starting to feel it now. You're starting to feel the cringey embarrassment, about T. Every new journal entry that you find makes you feel it. How embarrassing, that that person treated you like that over and over again for so long, and you still stayed. Chemicals, man. They do weird things to your head. 

For the first time, truly, you're falling out of love with him and seeing him as he really is, not as the person on the pedestal. And what you're seeing is really gross and disappointing.

Good for you. That dude is gross and never deserved a moment of your time.

Idk. Thoughts.

 I've never felt right.

I've never felt beautiful. I've never felt glamorous. I've never felt like I've made any sense.

I'm not sexy. I'm not desirable. It doesn't matter if I'm fat or thin. It doesn't matter what I'm wearing. 

I've never felt like I'm anything.

I'm not masculine. I'm not feminine. I'm not anything that would appeal to anyone in particular. Anything that you want that I have, you could find someone who has more of it. I'm something in between. I'm something to settle for. I'm not something you want. Or something you desire. I'm just here. I'm convenient. I'm comfortable. 

I'm alone. I don't even keep myself company. 

I just want to be wanted. I want to be desired so completely that it wrecks somebody, how much they want me. And what sucks. What really sucks. Is that I've only had that one time, and the person who treated me that way, worshipped me physically but treated me as a person like shit. And it's funny because, I've only ever had the opposite. People who were comforted by my presence and liked me as a person, but who weren't passionate about me. Noone has ever loved me for who I am and been passionate about me, at the same time. Never in my life.

I wish to God that my person felt that way about me. Because I know he loves me, and appreciates that I'm in his life. I know he doesn't want to lose me, and that he cares how I feel, and that my face when I'm sleeping makes him smile when he looks at it. But he's not passionate about me, and he never will be. Because this is what I am, and I don't know how to be sexy like that, or desirable like that. I don't know how. I'm not built that way. He will never be passionate about me. That will always be reserved for some other girls who got away. Not for me. 

I want to be loved. But god I want to be wanted so badly. I need it. I feel like I'm starving. I am literally fucking starving for desire, and I'm a fucking saltine cracker to him. I'm bland. I don't do anything for him. I could be the most beautiful woman in the world, but I could never put on the performance. I don't know how. 

Fuck. I need sex therapy. I need to figure out how to stop feeling like a fraud and belong in my body.

I don't have a great body. I have no tits and a flat ass. But other than that it's not totally terrible. I mean I people come on to me all the time, so I guess that's probably true. But it's the way I feel that makes the difference. If a different girl, a confident person, lived in my body, they could fuck some shit up. But I don't, and I'm not. I'm drab and I'm plain inside. I'm afraid. I think I spent so many years, decades, feeling disgusted with myself, hating how I look, that I need someone to give me confidence. And he doesn't. He just reflects whatever someone shows, back at them. He doesn't take the first step. And neither do I. Maybe that's our downfall. We're too much alike. We're too insecure and we rely on someone else taking that first confident step.