Okay I'm posting this in the same night as the previous one, once I had some time to cool down.
Yeah it was a dumb thing to do. But I really don't know how inebriated you were. Your tolerance is way, way higher than mine and you might really have been fine. It was stupid to try driving on halloween weekend if you'd had anything to drink at all, just because of the fact that cops would obviously be trying to trap people, but you know. It's not like I've never done anything stupid like that. I do shit like that all the time. I have 2-3 drinks at Atlantis over the course of 4 hours every single week and then drive home, because I feel fine. I'm sure you felt fine too. You just picked a stupid night to do that. But it's also not fair for me to make judgements really, because I'm a white chick. I literally yelled at a cop, while I was sitting in my running car that I'd pulled over in the middle of the road, without my ID on me, without even thinking about it because I was frustrated that I couldn't get out of Sellwood because of a marathon going on. I literally don't even remember the last time I got pulled over. I can't know what it's like for you. It's not fair for me to get so angry. I do the same exact thing every fucking week. I was just upset because 1) you didn't tell me for a whole day, and I think that hurt my feelings because lately when shit happens you're the first person I want to tell and I was butt hurt that you don't feel the same way. 2) You didn't act like getting arrested was a big deal and to me it is. Maybe you were a lot more rattled than you let on though, I can't know that either. 3) You said you weren't planning on driving home from Ashland but you didn't tell me what you were planning on doing instead, and I'm just generally sick and not feeling well and my brain went straight to 'maybe he was planning on crashing with a girl'. Like I didn't even fully flesh that thought out in my head, it was just kind of there in the background and I didn't want to admit I was thinking it because I think jealousy is unattractive and embarrassing. But it's my fucking blog and if I can't be honest with myself who can I be honest with. But even that isn't fair, who knows, maybe you were maybe you weren't but you're not my boyfriend and if I don't want you doing anything with other girls then it's my job to communicate that that's how I feel, which I haven't done. Idk, it's weird because like, of course I don't want you doing that, but I feel like it's way too soon to take it there. So like, I'm just not doing anything with anyone else and kind of hoping you're not either but not actually telling you that. Which is stupid and maybe immature but I just want to take it slow and not get too serious too fast. Like I want the seriousness without the label of the seriousness, just while we're figuring shit out, but I don't know what you want and I don't want to come on too strong. But also, if you are hooking up with other people I would want to know because I'd start doing the same thing so that I wouldn't get too attached or feel hurt/jealous about it. I should probably talk to you about this but fuck I don't want to. It's not that I'm not capable of having this conversation, I just feel like it hasn't been long enough to have it and I'm not even sure if I want to firmly establish that we're not hooking up with other people because you doing things like getting arrested so nonchalantly makes me unsure about you. I just want you to not do that and me to not do that while I figure out if you're a safe egg basket.
Hmm. The fact that I had a list of 3 things that I was upset about and I rambled about one of them for like a page kind of tells me that maybe that was the thing I was bothered about the most. Could that really be it? I was mad because y'all got me sick and I thought, here I am coughing up my lungs because of you and stuck at home on halloween weekend while everyone else has fun, and you're just off partying and getting duis with cute chicks.
Yep that's it that's what really ticked me off.
Well that's not fair. I can't just assume a bunch of shit. I think you like me. I like you. If I want to wait to have that conversation then that's on me, I can't hold you accountable for that.
Alright, cool. Good talk, self.
Sunday, October 27, 2019
Saturday, October 26, 2019
Anger
I don't know what to do with you. Maybe I should just call the whole thing off.
I don't know how someone can be so together and responsible at times and so irresponsible and messy at others.
I just want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you.
Like what the fuck were you thinking! Your BEST FRIEND just died from drinking and driving, and you get behind the wheel when you've been drinking? I don't CARE that it was only three blocks! It's almost WORSE that it was only three blocks because there was literally no reason for you to do it! Why the fuck couldn't you just have walked if you were going three blocks away?
And how you're so casual about it. Like you didn't even bother mentioning it to me until 24 hours later. If it were me I would've been upset, I would've wanted to talk about it. It's like getting arrested is no big deal to you. I believe you that you didn't really go in the bike lane and that cops were trying to trap people. I do. I believe you. But you'd obviously been drinking or you wouldn't have refused to have your BAL tested. If you hadn't been drinking it would've proven it and they would've had to let you go without a DUI. And it's HALLOWEEN WEEKEND. Everyone knows they try to trap people on Halloween weekend!! And I also believe that you were probably profiled as a poc. I know that's not fair but the getting arrested is not what I'm upset about! I'm upset about the fact that you would fucking get behind the wheel and put yourself in danger within like a fucking month of Jazz's memorial. Like what the fuck are you thinking, how could you be so stupid? And you were in Ashland too, which is where you guys were driving home from when he died! I asked you if you'd been planning on driving home to Grants Pass that night after the afterparty and you said no, but you didn't tell me what you'd been planning on doing instead, and you've obviously made that drive drunk before, so how the fuck do I know if that's true?
Like how the fuck do you plan on doing whatever it is you're trying to do, building your fucking empire or compound or whatever the fuck it is you want to do, and telling people you want to start having a shitload of kids in a couple years? How is that something you seriously think is going to happen when you're running around like a fucking child getting arrested for driving drunk? Grow the fuck up.
I'm just fucking pissed off. You probably thought you were going to get all kinds of sympathy from me but you're not. You did a fucking stupid thing and I'm fucking angry. I'm so sick of this. I am not going to date another fucking irresponsible, immature, selfish asshole again. Not going to do it. How the fuck do you think people would feel if something happened to you? You just going to make a shitload of people feel the way you felt when Jazz died, you going to risk that, and you don't even care? No? It's no big deal? Fuck that.
I'm not doing this again. I'm not dating that guy again. I have worked too long and too hard to build a life for myself and I'm not going to throw it away on some douchebag who doesn't give a shit about anything.
Maybe it is because you're really depressed. I'm not saying that's not valid. I understand how being really depressed makes people act selfishly. But that doesn't mean I have to be involved. Understanding doesn't mean I have to put up with something if it negatively impacts me.
This just really fucking sucks. I don't think I can do this. You just don't have your shit together and I'm too grown for this.
I don't know how someone can be so together and responsible at times and so irresponsible and messy at others.
I just want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you.
Like what the fuck were you thinking! Your BEST FRIEND just died from drinking and driving, and you get behind the wheel when you've been drinking? I don't CARE that it was only three blocks! It's almost WORSE that it was only three blocks because there was literally no reason for you to do it! Why the fuck couldn't you just have walked if you were going three blocks away?
And how you're so casual about it. Like you didn't even bother mentioning it to me until 24 hours later. If it were me I would've been upset, I would've wanted to talk about it. It's like getting arrested is no big deal to you. I believe you that you didn't really go in the bike lane and that cops were trying to trap people. I do. I believe you. But you'd obviously been drinking or you wouldn't have refused to have your BAL tested. If you hadn't been drinking it would've proven it and they would've had to let you go without a DUI. And it's HALLOWEEN WEEKEND. Everyone knows they try to trap people on Halloween weekend!! And I also believe that you were probably profiled as a poc. I know that's not fair but the getting arrested is not what I'm upset about! I'm upset about the fact that you would fucking get behind the wheel and put yourself in danger within like a fucking month of Jazz's memorial. Like what the fuck are you thinking, how could you be so stupid? And you were in Ashland too, which is where you guys were driving home from when he died! I asked you if you'd been planning on driving home to Grants Pass that night after the afterparty and you said no, but you didn't tell me what you'd been planning on doing instead, and you've obviously made that drive drunk before, so how the fuck do I know if that's true?
Like how the fuck do you plan on doing whatever it is you're trying to do, building your fucking empire or compound or whatever the fuck it is you want to do, and telling people you want to start having a shitload of kids in a couple years? How is that something you seriously think is going to happen when you're running around like a fucking child getting arrested for driving drunk? Grow the fuck up.
I'm just fucking pissed off. You probably thought you were going to get all kinds of sympathy from me but you're not. You did a fucking stupid thing and I'm fucking angry. I'm so sick of this. I am not going to date another fucking irresponsible, immature, selfish asshole again. Not going to do it. How the fuck do you think people would feel if something happened to you? You just going to make a shitload of people feel the way you felt when Jazz died, you going to risk that, and you don't even care? No? It's no big deal? Fuck that.
I'm not doing this again. I'm not dating that guy again. I have worked too long and too hard to build a life for myself and I'm not going to throw it away on some douchebag who doesn't give a shit about anything.
Maybe it is because you're really depressed. I'm not saying that's not valid. I understand how being really depressed makes people act selfishly. But that doesn't mean I have to be involved. Understanding doesn't mean I have to put up with something if it negatively impacts me.
This just really fucking sucks. I don't think I can do this. You just don't have your shit together and I'm too grown for this.
Sunday, October 6, 2019
Wakefulness
I am so thankful that we didn't work out. You have no idea.
I kept thinking that what we had was so special and so good, and that's why I was determined to fight for it even when I was miserable.
But I've met this person. And even if I never saw him again as long as I lived, the short few weeks I've spent with him made me realize that you were all wrong for me.
See, when I'm with you I'm content to lay around and complain about being sick and watch TV and play video games, and I feel dull like an old knife.
When I'm with him, I want to live. I feel so fucking alive when I'm with him. I want to play the piano. I want to write songs. I want to throw caution to the wind and take off to anywhere that strikes my fancy. I want to finally move out of my mom's house and get my own place. I want to meet new people, try new things, go new places. I feel so wild and free when I'm with him, like I can do anything and like the time to do it is now.
I never felt that way with you. I felt like I was coasting, or settling. I felt old.
I'm so happy I met him. I've learned not to hold on to things, and not to need things. Especially things that you can't control that other people can decide to take away. So I hope he stays, but even if he doesn't. Even if he doesn't. I'm so happy I met him.
I love who I am when I'm with him. I feel so myself when I'm with him. So fucking alive.
I think of him and me, driving down the highway. Me, rolling down the window and screaming "Shit, it's good to be alive!!" at the scenery flying by. I want to feel that way, always. I don't want to be that dull knife ever again. I want to feel the way I feel when I'm with him, even if he doesn't stay. It's like I was sleeping and he woke me up.
I kept thinking that what we had was so special and so good, and that's why I was determined to fight for it even when I was miserable.
But I've met this person. And even if I never saw him again as long as I lived, the short few weeks I've spent with him made me realize that you were all wrong for me.
See, when I'm with you I'm content to lay around and complain about being sick and watch TV and play video games, and I feel dull like an old knife.
When I'm with him, I want to live. I feel so fucking alive when I'm with him. I want to play the piano. I want to write songs. I want to throw caution to the wind and take off to anywhere that strikes my fancy. I want to finally move out of my mom's house and get my own place. I want to meet new people, try new things, go new places. I feel so wild and free when I'm with him, like I can do anything and like the time to do it is now.
I never felt that way with you. I felt like I was coasting, or settling. I felt old.
I'm so happy I met him. I've learned not to hold on to things, and not to need things. Especially things that you can't control that other people can decide to take away. So I hope he stays, but even if he doesn't. Even if he doesn't. I'm so happy I met him.
I love who I am when I'm with him. I feel so myself when I'm with him. So fucking alive.
I think of him and me, driving down the highway. Me, rolling down the window and screaming "Shit, it's good to be alive!!" at the scenery flying by. I want to feel that way, always. I don't want to be that dull knife ever again. I want to feel the way I feel when I'm with him, even if he doesn't stay. It's like I was sleeping and he woke me up.
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