I wish I wasn't so confused about everything. I just get so frustrated. There's the whole thing with Ben, and I know. I know I wouldn't be happy if we got married. I'd be fucking miserable. It's like there's this part of me that already knows deep down that it's not going to work and now I'm just kind of skating by while I wait for the rest of me to catch up.
And then there's Jacob, who's serially someone's boyfriend and 9 times out of 10 his girlfriends feel threatened by me, so I don't ever even get to see him for months on end. And as great of a guy as he is, I know we're better off as just friends. I don't see that being right either. He just needs someone more positive than me. More wholesome? Christian? I'm not sure. Maybe that's not right, maybe it's me. Maybe I need someone who's less like that.
There's Gabe. Who I honestly really liked. That one hurt, I'm not going to lie. I don't know why he flipped out and disappeared. It's not like I wanted to marry the fucking guy. I just liked him. I liked being around him. It made me feel happy, and life has been so difficult and complicated lately that I hadn't felt that kind of simple, easy happiness in a really long time. So all in all that was pretty lame.
Then there's thyme, who has no fucking clue that I've had this weird crush on him for two years. How would he, I barely even speak to him because he has someone and I basically do too, and let's be honest I'd be awkward anyway because I'm like that. I had this weird dream about him last night where he and his girlfriend broke up, and I was at his house with all of these people there. I didn't want to make our friendship seem insincere so I didn't tell him how I felt, and then he got swooped up by another girl. Even in my dreams I can't shoot my shot.
And it's just like. Like there's this parade of people who come into my life and go back out again, and none of them stick. None of them are right. Some of them leave, and the ones who stay just end up losing their shine, and then I end up being the one to leave. Sometimes I wonder if true love is just a farce. If the bloom ever stays on the roses. If there's anyone out there who's really right for me or if life is just about making compromises and settling.
If they're out there, I sure as shit don't know who they are.
