Thinking about the past

My God. I've been going back, here, and reading all of these things that I'd written years and years ago about us. About you. And I'm sick.

I think I'm still really damaged from a lot of that, and I've pushed it aside so that it doesn't eat away at me. But when I read the things I wrote back then, I remember exactly the feeling I felt.

I remember the night when I hung out with a friend of mine and we worked on a song. We got pretty fucked up with his roommates, who were also friends of mine, and I couldn't drive home. He offered to let me crash with him in his bed, and I knew he wouldn't try anything. I trusted him. But I slept on the floor instead, because you were all I could think about, and I didn't want to be next to anybody else, even in a platonic way. I laid on the floor all night and just thought about your face, and it kept me warm.

The next morning you told me to come get my shit if I wanted any closure. You lashed out at me for staying there even though it would have been unsafe for me to leave. I told you that I'd slept on the floor and you said to me: "that makes sense, because trash belongs on the floor."

I remember the feeling. It was like a star dying in my ribcage, before the sonic boom had reached my ears. It was like floating in limbo, in that moment, waiting for an explosion that never came. I wanted to scream but there was no air in my lungs. I wanted to fall to the ground but my tendons were frozen. I wanted to drive my fingernails into my chest, and rip, tear, pull chunks of flesh from my ribcage, long strings of skin, pulsing muscle and fling them away from me. Just keep digging until I reached the place in my chest where the feeling was, so that it would have a way to escape my body. But I could do none of those things. I wished to stop existing.

You never told me you were sorry for saying those things. I think that is one of the most hurtful things that has ever been said to me. It had all the more power because of the depth of my love for you. Because I had laid on that floor all night just thinking about your eyes and your smile and how much I loved you. Because I couldn't think about anything else, at the time. You were everything.

I know it was a long time ago, when you treated me that way. And I know you've given me a general apology for treating me badly in the past, and I truly believe you would never treat me that way again. But I think that, I still need to tell you how it made me feel. I need to talk to you about that. If we're ever going to make something work again, on top of the other things we talk about, I think I need you to hear how that made me feel. I think I need to know why you did it. You told me that you didn't see any sort of relationship or future happening with me, but I was so kind to you. I loved you so much. That doesn't explain why you treated me the way you did. You never told me why. I need to know. I need to understand.

Now what

I don't really know what to do or how I feel at this point.
The decisions I make right now are going to have a huge impact on what my future is going to look like, and I just wish I could peek into that future and know what to do.

I know that my friends all want me to move on and not be with him anymore.
I know they've all only seen the bad, because he's never been around so they haven't gotten a chance to know him. They only see the things that go wrong, and they only see it when I'm sad, so that's all they really know of our relationship.

I know that when I saw him last night, which was a few days after the procedure, I just felt... safe. For the first time since I heard the news I felt safe and like everything was going to be okay. And I realized there's no one else who can make me feel that way. There is no one else in my life I could have slept next to and held their hand and really felt safe and comfortable and like everything was going to be okay. That connection that we have is real.

The problem is that just because there's no one else I feel that way with, doesn't mean there never will be. I don't want to feel like I'm trying again because I'm settling and I'm afraid I won't find anything better. I just don't know how much things will really change and if I'm ready or willing or able to really try again. And if we really did try again and it just didn't work, not only would it break my heart, but could we both accept that? I'm really afraid that even if there was still a lot of ways that we just didn't gel, even after working out most of our issues, he wouldn't necessarily be able to accept that and feel at peace with it and move on.

I don't want to feel like we're stuck even if we can't work it out.

I do love him. I really do. I just don't know what to do and I don't want to spend years longer figuring it out just to find out that what I should have done is just walked away now, having lost all of that time with no way to get it back.

I wish I knew what the right thing to do was. I honestly have no idea. I know that I love him but I don't know if I would be happy with him for the rest of my life, because we're so different. I think that the lives that we want for ourselves in the future might be very different and I don't want either one of us to compromise something so major and end up unhappy and resentful and full of regrets. That's my biggest fear.

I just don't know.

Fuck it

I kind of wish I hadn't had to see you. I wasn't thinking about you anymore. I had too much other stress and drama going on to even worry about it. Seeing you didn't like, remind me of any feelings. I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore like that. It just reminded me of how shitty that situation made me feel. 

I know I said I wanted to still be friends but the thing is, I don't really want anything from you. I don't think you have anything to give even as a friend. You make zero effort and when I see you I just. Idk. I don't have anything to say to you. I'd rather just not see or speak to you again. 

I really think you need to know what you did. I mean, if you're gonna act like the perfect guy, make someone like you, fuck them, and then ghost them, you should probably not pick somebody at the health clinic you work at who has a literal brain disorder. What the hell is wrong with you? Who does that? I didn't need the extra stress. I have enough. Jesus Christ. I really don't even know what's wrong with you. And then the fact that you put on this shitty fake happy act and pretend like everything's fine. You're so fake. You're like a wax doll or something. I don't know if there's anything real about you. Well good. You'll go far in advertising then, at least. 

I think I just want to delete you on Facebook and Instagram and change my next acupuncture appointment so that I don't have to see you again. I just feel really gross that I was so wrong about you. I know we didn't hang out for very long but I honestly liked you, and I thought I was a good judge of people. It freaks me out that I got so totally conned and had no idea. I got completely fucking played like an idiot by some gigantic midwestern douchebag. 

Fuck you and fuck the entire state of Michigan.