I'm a little frustrated, I'll admit it. I'll ask you if we can talk about it soon, but right now you're asleep so all I can do is talk about it on here. I feel like you keep yourself as separate from the rest of my life as you possibly can. I'm not really sure if you do it to keep your distance from me, or if you just have social anxiety, or what it is, but it really feels like that.
I spend so much time with you, and we may not be technically dating but if you take away any and all labels on you and me, with the amount of time we spend together and the way we are together, that's basically what it is. And I feel like this huge chunk of my life right now is the time I spend with you, but it's completely and totally cut off from the rest of my life.
When I'm seeing someone (call it what you want), I like to be able to spend one on one time with them, but I like to be able to hang out with them with my friends or with their friends too. I don't like having them a completely isolated part of my existence. I want to know you. I want to know your friends. I want to be part of your life and not this like... shut off, locked away, secret that you keep from everyone that knows you. And that's really how it feels. Besides your roommates, I'm completely cut off from the rest of your life and the people in it.
And I want you to know me too. I want you to get to know my friends and spend time with us. I want you to be a part of my actual life, not just this separate existence that we've created between the two of us. I don't know why it's like that. I don't want it to be like that. But every time I invite you over to have dinner at my house with my friends, or every time I invite you to go out and get a drink with us, or anything, you always either turn me down flat, or you agree and then bail on me at the last second.
I really don't know why you do it. Are you just trying to keep yourself from getting too involved with me? News flash: you're involved. You are already involved just by the sheer amount of time you spend with me, and by how close you've already allowed us to get (I've allowed us to get close too, but if you're the one trying to stop us from getting too close you haven't done much of a job with the effort). I don't know what you're doing. Are you trying to keep our lives totally separate so it's easier to not see each other again if that happens? Are you just nervous and/or scared to meet people I love? I don't know why, but I can't do it like this. This doesn't work for me. I don't know what to do about it.
I'm sorry but you can't just have the best of both worlds, which is to have me around when it's convenient without having to actually get to know each other. I want to know you. I really want to know you and I really want you to know me. You say I don't communicate well and I put up walls but you don't make any effort and you put up walls too. I'm not the only one who has something they need to work on, but I also feel like I'm the only one of the two of us who cares about us, whatever -we- may be, to actually make an effort to work on those things. It's just really frustrating. I'm at such a loss. It fucking hurts.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013
I want to kiss your eyelids
I woke from sleep in your bed, not long ago, and I opened my eyes and saw your face as you slept, right in front of me. Empty of all fears and worries, insecurities and defenses. And you looked like a star. Like you should be shining up in the sky you were so bright. It hurt to even look at you. I had to look away because you were so beautiful.
I really care about you, you know. Your well-being and happiness are so important to me. Your walls I love, and your grumpiness in the morning, and your eyes that sparkle when you're excited; the way you get excited about the smallest things that most people would never notice. Your small hands I love, and your weaknesses and your strength; a different kind of strength than I'm used to seeing, which has already taught me so much. Your smile, when you look down at me, when we lay together. Your warm skin, your solidity, that smile which is so rare and yet I see universes in your eyes when it's trained on me. I fall into your eyes when I see that smile and I feel as if there's no bottom; as if I could fall forever, into you. The feel of wrapping myself up in you, of being so closely entwined that I don't know where one of us stops, and the other begins.
I want to kiss your eyelids. I want to stroke your hair. I want to look in your eyes and whisper that I love you.
I really care about you, you know. Your well-being and happiness are so important to me. Your walls I love, and your grumpiness in the morning, and your eyes that sparkle when you're excited; the way you get excited about the smallest things that most people would never notice. Your small hands I love, and your weaknesses and your strength; a different kind of strength than I'm used to seeing, which has already taught me so much. Your smile, when you look down at me, when we lay together. Your warm skin, your solidity, that smile which is so rare and yet I see universes in your eyes when it's trained on me. I fall into your eyes when I see that smile and I feel as if there's no bottom; as if I could fall forever, into you. The feel of wrapping myself up in you, of being so closely entwined that I don't know where one of us stops, and the other begins.
I want to kiss your eyelids. I want to stroke your hair. I want to look in your eyes and whisper that I love you.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
On love
Another thing I want to say quickly is that I don't say any of this because I don't want to stress you out. I realize that my feelings are my own. Just because I love you doesn't mean you owe me anything. I really am not one of those people who thinks that it does. I'm the one that fell in love with you, it was me, it was my choice (or eventual somewhat-grudging acceptance, as the case may have partially been).
You can control who falls in love with you even less than you can control who you fall in love with. These are my feelings, not yours, and you owe me nothing because of them. You're clearly already really stressed out, no matter what the reason is, and me freaking out and ranting about all that stuff I just said and demanding or begging for answers or whatever is just going to stress you out more. That would be selfish. That would be saying I love you and then being willing to make you even more stressed out to ease my own stress, in the name of said love, which is a crock.
When I say I love you I mean I love you, not I love loving you, not I love the idea of somebody loving me back. I just mean I love you. So I can seem utterly unconcerned, totally at ease, what have you, everything's normal, and then walk out the door crying once you can't see or hear me and get through the day in a fog like someone wrang out my heart like a wash cloth and then shoved it back into my chest. But you would never know. Because I'm not going to put that on you. It was my decision, as much as you can call falling in love a decision. I'll just be waiting I guess, in case you ever decide to tell me what's the matter. You know you can trust me. I'm already a pretty goddamn trustworthy person, but the fact that I'm in love with you literally means I would battle a fucking army for you. I'm just like that when I'm in love with someone. I mean, that salmon dinner you ate tonight? That was my dinner for tonight. I ate partially-cooked ramen for dinner after a long ass miserable shift at work today so that you could have that dinner, when you already have my food card with 200 dollars on it, because I knew that food card or no food card you still wouldn't have anything to eat tonight because you just wouldn't have gone food shopping. That's how I'm like when I love you. So you can kind of trust me by default, because I'd do any stupid thing for you. Like going out at 1am and buying you cookies and odwalla juice because you felt like them. I'd do any stupid thing for you. I wouldn't ever fucking judge you. I'd fucking take down anybody who tried to make you feel bad, who judged you. I'd protect you from anything or anyone, most of all from myself. But you don't know that I guess.
You can control who falls in love with you even less than you can control who you fall in love with. These are my feelings, not yours, and you owe me nothing because of them. You're clearly already really stressed out, no matter what the reason is, and me freaking out and ranting about all that stuff I just said and demanding or begging for answers or whatever is just going to stress you out more. That would be selfish. That would be saying I love you and then being willing to make you even more stressed out to ease my own stress, in the name of said love, which is a crock.
When I say I love you I mean I love you, not I love loving you, not I love the idea of somebody loving me back. I just mean I love you. So I can seem utterly unconcerned, totally at ease, what have you, everything's normal, and then walk out the door crying once you can't see or hear me and get through the day in a fog like someone wrang out my heart like a wash cloth and then shoved it back into my chest. But you would never know. Because I'm not going to put that on you. It was my decision, as much as you can call falling in love a decision. I'll just be waiting I guess, in case you ever decide to tell me what's the matter. You know you can trust me. I'm already a pretty goddamn trustworthy person, but the fact that I'm in love with you literally means I would battle a fucking army for you. I'm just like that when I'm in love with someone. I mean, that salmon dinner you ate tonight? That was my dinner for tonight. I ate partially-cooked ramen for dinner after a long ass miserable shift at work today so that you could have that dinner, when you already have my food card with 200 dollars on it, because I knew that food card or no food card you still wouldn't have anything to eat tonight because you just wouldn't have gone food shopping. That's how I'm like when I love you. So you can kind of trust me by default, because I'd do any stupid thing for you. Like going out at 1am and buying you cookies and odwalla juice because you felt like them. I'd do any stupid thing for you. I wouldn't ever fucking judge you. I'd fucking take down anybody who tried to make you feel bad, who judged you. I'd protect you from anything or anyone, most of all from myself. But you don't know that I guess.
Fuckity Fuck
Here I am again, talking to my own shadow. Talking to my reflection in the mirror. Craving a cigarette, thinking about that beer I left in the fridge, thinking I'm exhausted. Thinking I won't wake up in your bed tomorrow morning. Thinking about the last two mornings when I did wake up in your bed and drove home angrily wiping tears off my face. Angry with myself for crying. Frustrated with you for not telling me anything. You always assume I just know things without you having to say them. Don't your remember what I must have told you a million times? I always get in trouble when I assume things. Whenever I try to guess why someone is doing something, I always guess wrong. So I have stopped even trying to guess. So no, unless you tell me, I won't know why you won't hold me anymore. I won't know why, when I try to wrap my arms around you before I fall asleep, you take me by the wrist and physically move my arm off of you without saying a word. You always turn away from me. I was with you all last night and you barely even touched me. You just rested your arm on me for a few minutes while we were watching TV in your bed. You didn't even kiss me. And it's not that I feel like I can't make the first move, it's that I'm tired of being the only one who acts even remotely interested. It's just been the last week that you've been acting like this, and it doesn't make any sense, because if you weren't interested why would you keep asking me to come over every single night? Why do you ask if I'll come over every damn night and then proceed to act like you want nothing to do with me?
I don't understand. I don't know what's going on. You've seemed really distracted and depressed but when I ask you what's up you say nothing, or you say it's about the bankruptcy thing, but I feel like there's more to it than that, because you've been planning on doing all of that for a long time, it's not like it's this new depressing thing. Maybe filling out the paperwork makes it seem more real, and makes you think about a lot of things that might feel depressing, but I just feel like that's not all that it's about, and you won't talk to me. You never talk to me. I don't know how much of it, if anything, is about me, but it sure as hell feels like it.
I mean last night I fell asleep and I didn't even try to cuddle you, I just went to sleep, because I was so scared you were going to move me off of you and turn away again. You don't understand. That hurts me so bad when you do that. It physically makes my heart hurt. I just lay there wanting to cry and feeling so rejected and not understanding why you ask me to come sleep in your bed if you're just going to push me away and then turn and sleep facing the wall. I read somewhere once that the worst way to feel alone is being right next to the person you love and knowing you can't reach them, or something to that effect, and that's really true. I'd rather be sleeping alone in my bed than be sleeping next to you in yours knowing you don't want me to reach out and touch you. I just want to wrap an arm around you and run my fingers through your hair and kiss the back of your neck and smile into your shoulder before I fall asleep, but this whole week you've asked me over and then pushed me away. I don't know why you're rejecting me like this and it hurts. It also kind of pisses me off because how many literal hundreds of guys have expressed interest in me since I met you, I am talking literally hundreds, and yet I pick the only one who apparently doesn't give a fuck.
But I get this weird feeling that you do give a fuck. I just don't know what the hell is going on.
I woke up this morning to you getting out of bed. You used to stay in bed and cuddle me and hold me and kiss me. Sometimes we'd stay in bed for hours after we woke up just kissing each other. I remember one time we laid in your bed and just kissed until 4pm, and then looked at each other and mutually expressed amazement over the fact that neither of us was bored (you said that first, and I agreed with you; you didn't seem like you believed me but I felt the same way). But this morning, you woke up and immediately got out of bed, didn't even hug me or give me a good morning kiss, and went and sat at your laptop and started fucking around. And I stayed in bed for a good half an hour just hoping you'd come back and hold me, but you didn't. And because you've pushed me away the last week I wasn't going to reach out to you; if you don't want to be close to me you don't want to be close to me, and trying to force it will only make you want me further from you than you already seem to. And then I just kind of realized I wasn't wanted and I got up and got dressed, and I stood there and looked at you for a second and then I just kind of said bye and left. And I've never just left without hugging you or kissing you or anything. I just dressed and walked out, and you just kind of called after me Are you leaving? And I said yeah, bye, and that was that. And then I fucking started crying as I was walking out the backdoor. Because where the fuck did this giant wall come from? Where the fuck did this giant fucking ocean come from that's suddenly between us? What's it about? What is on your mind. What is going on that has you acting so weird. I don't think it's a chick, it doesn't have that feel to it. It feels like something really heavy, something that's weighing on your soul, but I don't know what. And I'm torn because I feel so abandoned by you that I just want to do what I always do when I'm not wanted which is get the fuck out of there before I make a bigger ass of myself than I already have by putting myself out there and being rejected. But I also feel like, if this really ISN'T about me, the way you've been acting around me, then maybe I'm still one of your best friends, and if I am, I don't want to abandon you if something really fucked up is going on and you need me.
But I can't do anything if you won't talk to me, and I'm so lost.
I fucking love you. I do. I fucking love you. You met my best friend like 2 months after we started hanging out, I went to the bar with the two of you, and then I went into the bathroom drunk and took forever and you guys had a conversation while I was gone, and she would never tell me what you said because she said you asked her not to. But she did tell me she asked how you felt about me. And finally after I told her I loved you she was willing to tell me what you said. She said that you said that you knew I'd just gotten out of a long relationship so you didn't want to have feelings for me or try to jump into a relationship because you knew that's not what I needed or wanted, but that you were having to try really hard not to fall in love with me. That you were falling in love with me. And that was two months ago. So what the hell is going on? God dammit I am so confused, I am so lost, I don't know why you're doing this. I wanted to tell you I love you. I was going to tell you. But now I can't because you've been acting so weird and it doesn't feel safe. I don't know what to do. I fucking hurt. It fucking hurts me. What is going on. I feel like you're intentionally shutting me out of your life, out of your heart, out of your mind, and I don't know if it's because I did something wrong or because you don't like me anymore or if it's because you did something you're ashamed of or if it's because something just really fucked up is going on in your life that's totally fucked you up and you're too scared to tell me about it or you don't feel like you can talk to anybody about it not just me. Those are all possibilities. I just wish I knew because I know whatever this is is not about me, even if it's about me for you it's not about me for me. I know how I feel about you, I know I want to be around you, that's not the issue from this end. I know it's selfish to assume it's about me for you when it could be something completely different and I should be trying to support you, but I'm just so scared that you'd tell me you don't want me anymore. And I'm also scared to push the point, to push asking you what's wrong, because I'm afraid you'll push me even farther away if you feel like I'm trying to force my way in when you're not ready or wanting or able to tell me what's up.
I just don't know what to do. I'm kind of fucked up right now. I just wish you would hold me and tell me you loved me.
I don't understand. I don't know what's going on. You've seemed really distracted and depressed but when I ask you what's up you say nothing, or you say it's about the bankruptcy thing, but I feel like there's more to it than that, because you've been planning on doing all of that for a long time, it's not like it's this new depressing thing. Maybe filling out the paperwork makes it seem more real, and makes you think about a lot of things that might feel depressing, but I just feel like that's not all that it's about, and you won't talk to me. You never talk to me. I don't know how much of it, if anything, is about me, but it sure as hell feels like it.
I mean last night I fell asleep and I didn't even try to cuddle you, I just went to sleep, because I was so scared you were going to move me off of you and turn away again. You don't understand. That hurts me so bad when you do that. It physically makes my heart hurt. I just lay there wanting to cry and feeling so rejected and not understanding why you ask me to come sleep in your bed if you're just going to push me away and then turn and sleep facing the wall. I read somewhere once that the worst way to feel alone is being right next to the person you love and knowing you can't reach them, or something to that effect, and that's really true. I'd rather be sleeping alone in my bed than be sleeping next to you in yours knowing you don't want me to reach out and touch you. I just want to wrap an arm around you and run my fingers through your hair and kiss the back of your neck and smile into your shoulder before I fall asleep, but this whole week you've asked me over and then pushed me away. I don't know why you're rejecting me like this and it hurts. It also kind of pisses me off because how many literal hundreds of guys have expressed interest in me since I met you, I am talking literally hundreds, and yet I pick the only one who apparently doesn't give a fuck.
But I get this weird feeling that you do give a fuck. I just don't know what the hell is going on.
I woke up this morning to you getting out of bed. You used to stay in bed and cuddle me and hold me and kiss me. Sometimes we'd stay in bed for hours after we woke up just kissing each other. I remember one time we laid in your bed and just kissed until 4pm, and then looked at each other and mutually expressed amazement over the fact that neither of us was bored (you said that first, and I agreed with you; you didn't seem like you believed me but I felt the same way). But this morning, you woke up and immediately got out of bed, didn't even hug me or give me a good morning kiss, and went and sat at your laptop and started fucking around. And I stayed in bed for a good half an hour just hoping you'd come back and hold me, but you didn't. And because you've pushed me away the last week I wasn't going to reach out to you; if you don't want to be close to me you don't want to be close to me, and trying to force it will only make you want me further from you than you already seem to. And then I just kind of realized I wasn't wanted and I got up and got dressed, and I stood there and looked at you for a second and then I just kind of said bye and left. And I've never just left without hugging you or kissing you or anything. I just dressed and walked out, and you just kind of called after me Are you leaving? And I said yeah, bye, and that was that. And then I fucking started crying as I was walking out the backdoor. Because where the fuck did this giant wall come from? Where the fuck did this giant fucking ocean come from that's suddenly between us? What's it about? What is on your mind. What is going on that has you acting so weird. I don't think it's a chick, it doesn't have that feel to it. It feels like something really heavy, something that's weighing on your soul, but I don't know what. And I'm torn because I feel so abandoned by you that I just want to do what I always do when I'm not wanted which is get the fuck out of there before I make a bigger ass of myself than I already have by putting myself out there and being rejected. But I also feel like, if this really ISN'T about me, the way you've been acting around me, then maybe I'm still one of your best friends, and if I am, I don't want to abandon you if something really fucked up is going on and you need me.
But I can't do anything if you won't talk to me, and I'm so lost.
I fucking love you. I do. I fucking love you. You met my best friend like 2 months after we started hanging out, I went to the bar with the two of you, and then I went into the bathroom drunk and took forever and you guys had a conversation while I was gone, and she would never tell me what you said because she said you asked her not to. But she did tell me she asked how you felt about me. And finally after I told her I loved you she was willing to tell me what you said. She said that you said that you knew I'd just gotten out of a long relationship so you didn't want to have feelings for me or try to jump into a relationship because you knew that's not what I needed or wanted, but that you were having to try really hard not to fall in love with me. That you were falling in love with me. And that was two months ago. So what the hell is going on? God dammit I am so confused, I am so lost, I don't know why you're doing this. I wanted to tell you I love you. I was going to tell you. But now I can't because you've been acting so weird and it doesn't feel safe. I don't know what to do. I fucking hurt. It fucking hurts me. What is going on. I feel like you're intentionally shutting me out of your life, out of your heart, out of your mind, and I don't know if it's because I did something wrong or because you don't like me anymore or if it's because you did something you're ashamed of or if it's because something just really fucked up is going on in your life that's totally fucked you up and you're too scared to tell me about it or you don't feel like you can talk to anybody about it not just me. Those are all possibilities. I just wish I knew because I know whatever this is is not about me, even if it's about me for you it's not about me for me. I know how I feel about you, I know I want to be around you, that's not the issue from this end. I know it's selfish to assume it's about me for you when it could be something completely different and I should be trying to support you, but I'm just so scared that you'd tell me you don't want me anymore. And I'm also scared to push the point, to push asking you what's wrong, because I'm afraid you'll push me even farther away if you feel like I'm trying to force my way in when you're not ready or wanting or able to tell me what's up.
I just don't know what to do. I'm kind of fucked up right now. I just wish you would hold me and tell me you loved me.
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