Help

I haven't seen you in almost four years.
The other day, at university, in the hall, I turned a corner and thought I saw you standing there.
It wasn't you. But my heart stopped in my chest, like a lead weight dropping through my head and my spine and my toes, like a piece of a black hole, dropping through my feet to the center of the earth, passing through the other side, spiraling into the universe. Its wake was filled with a sudden tingling, a buzzing in my head that turned to a roar, a sudden feeling of now-ness. Now, now, now. All in the span of the second it took me to realize it wasn't really you. It took me hours to take my mind back from your memory.

What am I supposed to do? Can you tell me that? Why did you make me fall in love with you? Why did you change my life if you didn't want to be a part of it? Actively changed it. Went way the fuck out of your way, to change my life. And then walked out of it once I didn't know what to do without you. God damn you. God damn you. I love you so much, more than myself, more than anything. Nothing's ever meant that to me, not like you. What the hell am I supposed to do. You didn't know what you were doing to me.

Noone else makes me feel that way when they walk in a room (or even if I think they do). Not one person on earth. Not even close. And still, after all this time... help. Help me. I need something. Anything. It's been 10 years since I fell in love with you. I can do nothing to stop this. Don't think I'm holding on tight. I've been pushing it out the door, dumping it off at the station, tying it in a bag and throwing it in the river, over and over, year after year, and it keeps finding its way back to me. And I'm out of bags and I'm out of trains and I'm out of strength.