The blocking words

We always talk. Talk, talk, talk. And sometimes we get closer to understanding, and sometimes we don't. And always there's a hole in my heart from the simple effort of not truly needing to say anything to you, except to say, to scream, to fall apart to the tune of the words: can't you see that I'm dying without you. I love you more than I could ever know to explain. I love you so much. Desperate.   Fucking empty. Take your time. Don't trust. But I'm dying here without you, and you're not really here because you won't let yourself be. I've been waiting on the edge of this cliff for you alone. And I need you now. I need you to come save me from this, or just stand next to me. I fucking love you so much.

Maybe

You do feel it.

The way the earth turns

The earth moves. We all know this. We all know we're spinning through some vast expanse of empty space at impossible speeds. Shooting, rotating. Flying. But sometimes the entire fucking earth moves, and you can feel it. Not because of some broken laws of physics. Because of somebody's eyes.

What I don't understand, is how the entire earth could move, and you couldn't feel it.
Because it shook me. My breath rattled in my lungs. My eyes descended. Shaken.
You didn't feel that? How could you miss it?

We all like to hope, once in a while, that the words falling on our battered eardrums mean something different than what we hear of them. We all like to make excuses. We all like to take "I don't love you," and "I'm just lonely" and throw them away. Throw them right away. To believe that maybe, even if someone says those things, if the earth fucking just moved how could they be true? To hope. Even though we've been told there's nothing to hope for, over and over again.

I look in your eyes and I feel platelets shift beneath an ocean under my feet. I feel Pangea. I feel the echoes of the first word, I feel the stardust in my bones. I feel history. I feel the magic in the world that science could never explain. I feel connected to everything that has ever been. In that one small moment, everything makes sense.

It's not enough to call you baby. It's not enough to say the words "I love you." Even if they weren't rejected, they still wouldn't be enough. No, "I need you" isn't even enough. Your eyes make me remember that the world is not scientists, or philosophers, or theologists. Your eyes make me remember that the world is magic. It's not enough to say I can't do without you. I must do without you. But thank you for sharing that glimpse with me.

Drown in hershey's, the river is too cold

She's so kind to me, he said. You're so kind to me.
Sometimes, he said, when you're not here, I sit there and I think to myself
It's amazing how kind to me she is.

I told everyone I was over that other girl all along, he said
but I wasn't really, until about a year ago.
I joked, it's because you met me a year ago of course.
Then I laughed. I said, I'm not drunk enough to be that cocky.

He looked thoughtful. He said no, you might be right

Poaceae

Hold your hands in my pockets
They're starting to fray
Breathe this quiet air
all around your hair against my shoulder

Give a name to this feeling
Hastily cast it away.
Mona Lisa, can I
climb inside your smile and stay awhile

But there's a river outside my window
There's an ocean outside my door
How could my fingers forget your skin so
I wouldn't recognize you anymore?

When I was a child I saw a million people
standing in the streets to pray
So when my fingers forget your skin, oh
I remember there's an ocean outside my window

The door was always wide open
But the gaps between your fingers made me stay
And I would promise not to let you down
if you'd promise not to go away

saying Wendy won't you sew on my shadow
It keeps getting away from me
Tell you I couldn't help but feel glad, though
Because it wanted so bad to be free

But there's a river outside my window
There's an ocean outside my door
How could my fingers forget your skin so
I wouldn't recognize you anymore?

When I was a child I saw a million people
standing in the streets to pray
So when my fingers forget your skin, oh
I remember there's an ocean outside my window.

Thoughts on the end

Right now, I'm having some thoughts about how this whole thing is going to end, whenever that will be. The thing is... I don't think either of us could keep up this kind of relationship if we're seeing someone on the side. You because you have jealousy issues, and me because I still have feelings for you. I guess you have feelings for me too on some level but I don't know that it's quite the same. I just don't know that we could do that. Keep spending nights together tangled up watching netflix, or going to the bar and talking to each other about every personal thing our respective friends are going through, or sleeping together, or waking up together, or any of it, while the other one was doing those things with somebody else too. I don't think either of us would really be able to do that.

And I also know that we've never just been friends. There was always that element to it, the constant touch even if it wasn't sexual, the energy between us. We've been friends all this time, yes, but that was never all it was. So when we talked about it ages ago and you said you couldn't really seeing us being friends if one of us started actually seeing someone else, I was a little bit hurt because I do see you as my friend, a really good friend, and I want to think that we could still be part of each others' lives after one of us finds somebody, but I wasn't offended because I get what you're saying. Our relationship has always been cuddling and just being close with each other, closer than someone who was just a friend. That's just how we are with each other. I don't know if we could -not- be that way with each other. I totally understand that and see where you're coming from.

At the same time though... it's been almost a year. About a month and a half shy of a year now, that we've spent almost every day together. The days we weren't together we were texting back and forth nonstop, or calling. Besides those three weeks when we didn't talk a couple months ago, there was probably a grand total of 7 days, if that, that we were totally not in contact over a year. You're my friend. Before that whole incident when all those things were said... I mean, I referred to you as my best friend. Besides Kerstin of course, and there's anna and steve, but I don't see them every day. I would refer to you as my best friend when I was talking about you to people who didn't know you. Oh me and my best friend did this the other day, or I'd tell stories where I did this thing and then my best friend said this thing and it was really funny. That's how I talked about you. And I meant it. So I guess... I understand how it would be hard and weird and maybe even not possible for us to just be friends, and not sleep together and not touch each other and not look at each other the way we look at each other sometimes. But still... you are my friend. I care about you a lot as a person, as a friend. You're not just some dude that I have blinding feelings for that make me want to be near you all the time regardless of whether we have anything to say to each other or whether we can have an actual conversation. It's not like that. It's been like that before, where you just have so many feelings for this person that none of the facts even count, you just have to be near them. It's not like that with you. I can sit there when Kerstin meets a new boy and tell you that psh I didn't really like him and tell you all the reasons why and you sit there and listen to the whole spiel and then tell me well you don't really like the sound of him either, and then we can sit there talking shit. I can bounce ideas and thoughts off of you. When I'm lost or something's bothering me or I don't understand why someone is doing or saying something or anything, I can talk to you about it. Sometimes you offer up advice and sometimes you just listen but you're always there to talk to. You really are my friend. And you know what, I can get over having feelings for you. I know I can because I've already had to do it to protect myself. I know I can do that. But I don't know if I can just get over being your friend. I don't know if I can just get over having you in my life that easy. I really... I guess I kind of lean on you in a lot of ways, ways that maybe neither of us even really realize, but I know I do. You've become such a big part of my life and I value your thoughts and your opinions (most of the time... :)hehe ) and I just... if you meet someone, I'd truly be happy for you. I'm happy if you're happy, because that's what friends do. Seriously, I mean that, I would be happy that you had found something or someone that made you happy. I could handle that. But I just don't want you gone from my life. I really don't. I need you. You're not just one of my best friends, you have a special role in my life. You're kind of the calm, thoughtful one. I like hearing your advice on stuff in my life. I like talking to you, hearing what you're thinking. It kind of brings me down to earth. I really don't want to lose you. And you're right, I don't know how we could be just friends. I don't know. But I know I can't just let you disappear after all of this.

I know I've brought it back to this so many times but, remember when you said to me... I'm not going anywhere unless you kick me out of your life. Maybe that was just a throwaway comment to you, or maybe it was just a heated in the moment thing but, it really meant something to me. It meant a lot to me. It felt safe. I felt like I could trust you. Like you wouldn't just disappear. Like maybe I was one of your best friends too. And... I mean, I'm not saying I'm not ever going to meet somebody, but I'm never going to kick you out of my life. And I still just get this feeling like you're going to go somewhere eventually, whether soon or in a long time, whether I want you to or not. I don't want to lose my friend.

Entry

I don't know what's wrong with me. Sometimes you look at me like there's nobody else in the world, and sometimes you look at me like I'm a stranger. Some days I hardly think of you, and I go about my day and I hang out with my friends and I have a great time and you don't cross my mind. Sometimes you're gone for a while and I don't miss you. Some days, for reasons I don't understand, when you're gone for a while, I can't think about anything else, and my heart hurts and I just miss you terribly.

I wish you could either just like me, or not. I'm tired of this confusion. I wish you would either come in or stop knocking at the door.