Okay hold on let me add one more thing

 FROM NOW ON YOU DUMB BITCH.

How long have you had this blog? How many times have you simped over some asshole who couldn't care less about you, who cheated on you and treated you like shit, and just went oooooooooh hes the ONE FOR ME. I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH. While he was obviously acting like you were a pile of steaming shit he'd just stepped in

Point is, your emotions literally can't be trusted. You pick the most god awful people, just because they're narcissistic manipulating liars and manage to convince you that they're good. You pick these obviously damaged people, most of whom have been abused as children, and you fall in love with who you think they are deep down in their hearts, and then you let them treat you like absolute fucking garbage. And you LET THEM, because oh DEEP DOWN THEYRE SUCH GOOD PEOPLE theyre just HURTING and you can HEAL THEIR PAIN with the POWER OF LOVE

Shut the fuck up. Just shut the fucking fuck up. This rage post isn't just about Tunny, it's the result of your inner voice being fucking SICK of the way you've let yourself be treated for OVER TEN YEARS. STOP IT. FUCKING STOP. I'm fucking TIRED OF IT. There is no love at first sight. There is no soul mates, or past lives, and even if there is, who fucking cares because it's not a good enough reason to let someone into your heart who is a SHITTY HUMAN BEING

I'm DONE. I'm OVER IT. I'm not saying I don't believe in real love, but these damaged ass people who just go on to damage you and offer you NOTHING worthwhile are NOT IT. They're NOT REAL LOVE. They never have been. 

I swear to god the next time you give someone a chance, the next time you let yourself feel ANYTHING, which I guarantee won't be for a long ass fucking time, it's not going to be because you just FEEL SO MUCH. I don't give a FUCK about your feelings. Look where your stupid feelings have gotten us. BACK THE FUCK UP AND THINK FOR ONCE. Look at who someone actually IS. Get to know them, make them hang around and be in your life long enough to actually know who they are as a person and not just who they want to make you think that they are, before you let yourself feel ANYTHING. People are fucking LIARS and MANIPULATORS and you need to fucking protect yourself.

Over my dead fucking body will I let one more man in my entire LIFE treat me like a worthless piece of god damn garbage that feeds his ego while I fucking pine after him. Over my GOD DAMN BODY IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

Babe. For real.

 Letter to myself:

Babe. For real. Have you read every blog entry, every google sheets doc, every open office doc, every reddit post? Have you read everything you've written about your relationship?

About how he makes you feel like a saltine cracker. About how he cheats on you and lies to you. About how insecure me makes you feel, how blamed, how tolerated.

Have you actually read this shit? You have the biggest problem I've ever seen with rose colored glasses, making all the screaming red flags just look like flags.

If you're actually impartial, and just read what you've written over the past few years, you'll realize literally nothing has changed. You're still just as fucked up over the same old things as you were three years ago. Not a damn thing has changed. You're so, so unhappy and beaten down.

Why are you wasting so much time on this idiot? It's funny, looking back on the Ben relationship. At the time it felt so loving and so true and so real. And now, looking back, it's just this cringey sort of embarrassment that you ever gave that person the time of day.

You're starting to feel it now. You're starting to feel the cringey embarrassment, about T. Every new journal entry that you find makes you feel it. How embarrassing, that that person treated you like that over and over again for so long, and you still stayed. Chemicals, man. They do weird things to your head. 

For the first time, truly, you're falling out of love with him and seeing him as he really is, not as the person on the pedestal. And what you're seeing is really gross and disappointing.

Good for you. That dude is gross and never deserved a moment of your time.

Idk. Thoughts.

 I've never felt right.

I've never felt beautiful. I've never felt glamorous. I've never felt like I've made any sense.

I'm not sexy. I'm not desirable. It doesn't matter if I'm fat or thin. It doesn't matter what I'm wearing. 

I've never felt like I'm anything.

I'm not masculine. I'm not feminine. I'm not anything that would appeal to anyone in particular. Anything that you want that I have, you could find someone who has more of it. I'm something in between. I'm something to settle for. I'm not something you want. Or something you desire. I'm just here. I'm convenient. I'm comfortable. 

I'm alone. I don't even keep myself company. 

I just want to be wanted. I want to be desired so completely that it wrecks somebody, how much they want me. And what sucks. What really sucks. Is that I've only had that one time, and the person who treated me that way, worshipped me physically but treated me as a person like shit. And it's funny because, I've only ever had the opposite. People who were comforted by my presence and liked me as a person, but who weren't passionate about me. Noone has ever loved me for who I am and been passionate about me, at the same time. Never in my life.

I wish to God that my person felt that way about me. Because I know he loves me, and appreciates that I'm in his life. I know he doesn't want to lose me, and that he cares how I feel, and that my face when I'm sleeping makes him smile when he looks at it. But he's not passionate about me, and he never will be. Because this is what I am, and I don't know how to be sexy like that, or desirable like that. I don't know how. I'm not built that way. He will never be passionate about me. That will always be reserved for some other girls who got away. Not for me. 

I want to be loved. But god I want to be wanted so badly. I need it. I feel like I'm starving. I am literally fucking starving for desire, and I'm a fucking saltine cracker to him. I'm bland. I don't do anything for him. I could be the most beautiful woman in the world, but I could never put on the performance. I don't know how. 

Fuck. I need sex therapy. I need to figure out how to stop feeling like a fraud and belong in my body.

I don't have a great body. I have no tits and a flat ass. But other than that it's not totally terrible. I mean I people come on to me all the time, so I guess that's probably true. But it's the way I feel that makes the difference. If a different girl, a confident person, lived in my body, they could fuck some shit up. But I don't, and I'm not. I'm drab and I'm plain inside. I'm afraid. I think I spent so many years, decades, feeling disgusted with myself, hating how I look, that I need someone to give me confidence. And he doesn't. He just reflects whatever someone shows, back at them. He doesn't take the first step. And neither do I. Maybe that's our downfall. We're too much alike. We're too insecure and we rely on someone else taking that first confident step. 

Glue it back together honey, there'll still be cracks

 I think you might've broken something that you can't fix, boo.

You came to see me in Portland the other day, after about two weeks. You showed up with a single red rose. And you know what? When I put my arms around you, my whole body was shaking. Hard. You must've felt it.

When you kissed me, butterflies roared through my stomach.

But today, I went to a locksmith to get my car key fixed, after I accidentally ran it through the wash. He was young, and tall, with short brown hair and these really intense warm brown eyes.

And I just thought... damn. I felt a little nervous. Like when I opened the door and saw him standing there, I literally stumbled on my way to the desk.

Do you want to know how many times I've looked at another person and thought "god damn that person is fine", since I met you? None. Exactly zero times.

But it happened today.

I know I still have feelings for you, or I wouldn't have been standing there with weak knees and butterflies when I saw you on my porch. I still have feelings. But there's a part of me that feels like they've changed, and I'm not sure exactly how. 

I'm afraid you've broken something you can't fix.

Why do I resent you?

 I need to make a list of tangible reasons why I resent you. There are a lot of reasons I resent you right now. I need to try to flesh them out so I can address it.

1. You owe me $13,000. You focus on paying back everyone else. Oh I gave Jason this, oh I gave Joe this, oh I gave so and so, such and such. It's like instead of being first, I'm the last on your list. I'm BROKE right now, because I gave you all my money. I'm pinching pennies. I can't buy that piano I want to play. And I'm the last on the list.

2. This means, effectively, I'M the one who pays the rent. I'M the one who bought the furniture. You say 'Ill pay you back,' but you HAVEN'T paid me back. That's my money until you pay me back. I pay for everything, and you strut around to your friends, with 'look at my nice house' 'look at my nice furniture' 'look how I'm the man.' When really, I'M the man. Not you. I'M the one who found, and picked up and loaded up, and unloaded, and set up, EVERY piece of furniture in that house. EVERY painting. If I hadn't been here, you'd be living in a huge ass empty house with two camping chairs in the living room. You took everything I had and then bragged about how great you were to everyone who would listen. 

3. Which leads me to, you don't appreciate me. You don't see how much I do. If I left today, if I took my belongings, MY furniture, my stuff, and I took off. Who would cook? Who would buy hand soap, and laundry and dish soap? Who would buy shampoo? Who would grocery shop? Who would buy cleaning supplies? Who would fold and put away the laundry? Who would vacuum, and mop the floor, and wipe down the counters? Nobody. I do everything. You literally have lived here for 4-5 months, and for the first time I asked you to clean the house. Because I was cooking for all your friends and couldn't do it myself. And you asked where the vacuum was. I told you it's where it always is. And you still didn't know. Because in 5 months you have never taken it upon yourself to vacuum. Not once.

4. This is an anecdote but it just sums up everything. You said two nights ago that you wanted a desk/office. I searched online, found a desk you might like, confirmed you'd like it. I then got up early, drove to Washington from basically northern california, got the desk, bought ratchets because I asked you to pack them the night before and you forgot. Loaded it up, drove back. This was a 15 hour day for me. I did that, for you. And I asked for one thing. I said, can you take the trash out. I had already put all the garbage in the trash can. I simply asked you to roll it from the house to the curb. And I get home at 1:30am after driving for 15 hours. The garbage can was sitting there up against the house. I do everything for you and you can't even take 3 minutes to take out the trash. Not even for me, but for us. Half that trash is yours. Not only are you not capable of going 3 minutes out of your way for me alone, you won't even do the most basic thing that's your part. 

5. I know you're going through a lot but you're perfectly happy to sit around feeling sorry for yourself and playing league all day while I flounder, while I have no money because you took it and won't make any moves to get it back. You don't even care. You have no problem falling apart like a child while I try so hard to hold down everything and you don't see it and it doesn't even matter to you.

6. This isn't your fault. This is just a major problem that I don't know what to do about. When I get a job what am I going to do? If I'm doing software engineering for a major company and I'm trying to do my job and take calls and be in meetings, and you're just downstairs drunk in the middle of the day with drug dealers being super loud. Like how is that going to work? I really feel like this is dragging me down. I'd have had a job months ago if I wasn't with you. I'm not blaming you but I know that that is a fact. I'm tired. You're making me tired and you're making me old, and you used to do the opposite. You used to make me feel alive and young and like anything was possible, and now I feel like a 50 year old single mom with a lazy ass teenager who secretly wishes she'd just been the cool wine aunt and never had kids.

You

I thought that maybe the level of feeling that I felt last time would never happen again. Like maybe that's something that only happens when you're really young. I think I was wrong.

I can't explain what I feel for you. It's different than any way I've ever felt before. I've had really deep loves. But I still knew those people weren't right for me, and that knowledge kind of tempered things, somehow. Any time they let me down and I felt the pain of that love, I knew. Any time I looked at who they were as a person and knew in my heart that I would never be happy with them I felt the pain from my love. You're the first. I'm not saying that you'll never do anything to hurt or disappoint me. That's too much to expect from anyone. What I mean is that my love for you itself doesn't hurt me.

Even when I felt the deepest love for someone in the past, that love itself was painful because I knew it wouldn't last. I knew it wasn't someone I could stay with if I wanted to live a happy life.

You're the first and only person that I've felt this way about. My love doesn't hurt me. Because you're everything. You're it. You're what I want. And maybe it won't work out. It might not. But at least I'm not staring at the finish line before I've even reached the halfway mark. I'm confident about you. I could be happy with you. I could live a joyful life and never feel like I'd settled or was missing out. You're someone that I'm proud of. You're kind, and intelligent, and motivated, and selfless, you're fun and thoughtful and adventurous. I would not look back and regret having chosen you. I know that in my bones. I never even realized how every love I've ever had has been tinged with sadness until now, because this one isn't.

It amazes me how happy I am, and how peaceful I feel. Just laying in your bed and breathing in the smell of your pillow is enough to make the world feel perfect. Nothing feels like heaven more than laying against you with our bare skin pressed together. I love the way you purr. That sound literally makes my chest constrict until it hurts. It makes my brain and my heart just go... "protectlovekeepholdcherishcomfort" . There are times when I'm holding you and I squeeze as tight as I can and I just want to get closer even though I've squeezed all the space out from between us and there's nowhere closer to go. I guess that the only place closer than against my skin is under it, and you've definitely done that.

I could list a million little things that you make me feel, but in the end it's just you. You're everything. You're the love of my life.

All you have to do

I want to hold your hand every day, for as many days as I have. I want to take every broken thing that you put back together and use it to lift you up. Sometimes I can't believe that I deserve this. Sometimes I'm scared about how much I feel I've come to need you.

Because I've worked so hard, and I've done so much. To be productive, to contribute, to build a life. To follow what I'm passionate about, what I love, what I'm good at. To take care of others. But nothing has ever felt like a reason for being, one that answered every question, like sitting quietly next to you does.

Sometimes I think that maybe, I gave you the rest of my days on the day that I met you. And if you ever want them, all you have to do is ask.

Little things

It's funny to me the things that stick with me about you.

We've done a lot together in five months. Five months is a really short time considering all the memories that I have with you. But the things that really stick in my memory the most are always things that wouldn't seem very memorable if I tried to describe them.

I just, have these odd moments of clarity about you, and they always hit me in the most quiet, unassuming moments.

"I will never buy you shoes." The look on your face. The way I could feel the look on my face when you said that. And how after you went in the store, I pulled down the passenger side mirror to look at my face because I knew that whatever expression was on it was one I'd never seen there before. And I was right.

I am afraid of being abandoned. It's odd that I told you that when I was drunk, I don't remember saying that. It makes me wonder what else I've admitted and don't remember.

And I am afraid of this feeling. I've only felt a feeling comparable to this one other time in my life, but it was back when I was raving all the time, so it was really easy to just get it out since I was on molly all the time. Now I'm like, I feel all of this shit, and I want to tell you but I don't want to tell you. I don't want to say too much and freak you out or scare you away. But I also don't want to say nothing and mess it up because I didn't let you see how I really feel.

That's what I was caught up about driving out of Chicago. I thought about what I wanted to say really carefully because I wanted to find a balance. I remember saying to you that I want you to know what I mean when I say I love you. Because I said it pretty fast, I know that. And I realized, you're not in my head. You don't know what I'm thinking and feeling. It might not seem sincere if I just say I love you but I don't say anything more about it. So I wanted you to know what I meant. I remember telling you that when I'm around you my heart hurts, like I got punched in the chest.

And there. Right there was one of those moments that stuck with me, for some reason. You glanced over at me really quick and then looked back at the road and just breathed out, a short sharp huff. And you didn't say anything. There's maybe different ways to interpret that but I just felt like you really heard me. Like you got it. Something about that glance, something about that sound.

I really hope you don't run. You might. I don't know. I've done plenty of running in my life. It's not a judgement. And of course I don't want you to do anything you don't want to. I'm not trying to pin you down and I definitely never want to hold you back. This is probably scary for you too. It's really, really scary for me. It's honestly fucking terrifying.

Because I keep having thoughts that I've never had before. I keep having thoughts like, I want to keep you forever. I want to spend the rest of my life petting your hair and scratching your back. I want that mouth to be the mouth that I kiss every day, all of the days. That voice, that smile, those eyes. Those ridiculous impressions that you do. The way you rap along to J Cole and the way you sing along to chick music in the car. Your goofy giggle that you do and the way you punch the air when you get really excited. The way you get really excited so easily. I want all of it, and I'm going to keep wanting all of it.

That's why this is so scary for me. I've never felt that way before. Everyone I've ever been with, or felt strongly about, I still just appreciated them in the moment. I didn't want anything. I didn't feel that. But with you, for the first time, I want to keep you. Not just for some of the days, but for the rest of them. I don't understand it. I've only known you 6 months. My longest relationship was 6 years and I didn't feel this way. I have never in my entire life, wanted to give my life to anyone. You're the only one.

And that's so fucking scary. It really, really freaks me out. That I could feel that way about another person. That you can just feel that way, for another human being, and you've got no guarantees. And of course I'll never tell you that, I mean we've been dating for like 3 months and that's batshit insane and I would never, ever actually say it. But like. I feel that way. And I know you really care about me but there's no fucking way that you feel the same way I do. Sometimes I just feel so much when I'm with you and it's terrifying not knowing how you feel in return. Do you ever feel like you've been punched in the chest? Do you feel any of this? Maybe I'm batshit crazy but it feels like you're my soulmate and I don't know if you feel it too or if I'm just. By myself in this. I wish I knew but it's way too early to say shit like that. Actually what do I know about when to say shit like that, I've never said that to anyone because I've never felt that way towards another person before. Just you. So this is all new to me and I'm trying my best to navigate it but it's just. It's really scary.

Nomine

I don't know what I'm saying, I'm drunk right now.

This can't be. You can't be real. This whole idea of a you can't be real. I'm fighting it so hard because I don't believe in it.

You appeared. Ok. We noticed each other. We talked. We got drunk. We made out. I've done that before.

I noticed you more than I noticed anybody else, ever, but I didn't notice that at the time.

There was just, something that was slightly different.

It was something about the way that, every time I walked away from you, to smoke, to get another drink, to use the bathroom, whatever. Every time I separated myself from you the night that I met you, every atom in me was focused on just getting myself back next to you as soon as I was able. I walked back in the bar from wherever I'd been and I was looking. You, you, you. Where are you now. Be next to you. Single minded. Just be next to you, wherever you are.

When we were in the desert. It wasn't always perfect. There were times I was confused, or annoyed, or hurt. What you said, what you did. But always you were there like you were supposed to be. Every moment. Everything that was broke could be fixed. Not easily, but naturally I guess. We found all of the broken points even then, and they naturally bound back together.

I don't know what I'm getting at with this. Just that you felt like I was dreaming. Every moment with you was a moment I'd been waiting for. Like you were more than human. Not like an angel. Not like a noun. Not even like a verb. Like some, I don't know, like some abstract adjective that somehow in a single word managed to sum up my entire life. Summed up everything I'd ever dreamed about, everything I'd ever wanted to be, everything I'd ever wanted to defeat. You were just one word that described me.

That word doesn't exist in English. It probably doesn't exist in any language there's ever been. If I were Ursula K Le Guin, I'd say it's my name. You're my name.

Sometimes I get drunk and I ask if you're real. Because I don't believe there's another person who's presence is the same as my name. There can't be. It's not possible.

I won't even let myself fall in love with you to the degree that I would, if you were less than that. Because it's too much. It's not even that I'd have that much bigger of a hole to dig myself out of. It's that you would have my life. I can't give any person that, not even myself. I don't know how, and even if I did I don't know if it's something given to humans to give.

This all just feels so much bigger than me that it's like looking at the stars. Something dreamers do, but just when they're in that place between awake and asleep. It can't be real. It can't stay.

You are my name

And I feel hesitant, maybe even horrified, to even type that out. To hand someone that, even if I'm drunk. I feel my name in the wind that passes through me when you're around. There, put it that way.

Well. I made a fucking list.

Reasons why this is actually a good thing:

1. He's a drug dealer
2. He doesn't really have any skills besides being a drug dealer and he never finished college, and
3. He isn't careful about things at all and will most likely get caught at some point. I mean, he got a fucking DUI, his license is suspended. And still the other day he had 3 or 4 big drinks at Mimosa's when you went for brunch and you offered to drive because you hadn't had so much as a sip of one drink, and he declined. He drove after drinking a bunch on a suspended license, literally for no reason, with a sober licensed driver who was willing to drive in the front seat. He could have lost everything. He just doesn't think, or he doesn't care, or something.
4. He wants to have a shit load of kids and you don't, especially because
5. You don't want to be the baby mama to a drug dealer who is in prison for who knows how long and end up a single mom taking care of a bunch of kids in the country. Like holy shit you've worked so hard to be independent and financially stable/well off, why would you risk everything you've ever worked for. Maybe Scott can do this his whole life and not get caught but that's because Scott is careful. Tunny is the exact opposite of careful, he's a total drama queen.
6. You don't even know for sure whether you want kids or not
7. He says shit like "I wasn't meant to be a killer" when breaking up with you, which is so childish, like are you a twelve year old watching gangster movies? What the fuck? lol
8. The strip club obsession
9. He's really easily influenced by other people and will do things he doesn't necessarily want to do just so people think highly of him / so people will think he's cool. You can't depend on someone like that
10. He avoids all of his problems instead of learning to face them. Including you
11. He's self centered. It's all about "would you consider moving out to the country" "Would you want to have kids" "this this this" "that that that" and never once did he say he would be willing to give anything up to be with you. It was all about "here's my dream and my vision, are you willing to change the shape of yourself to fit into my puzzle." He never once thought about giving anything of his up to fit into your dreams or life. He sees himself as the protagonist and he's looking for a sidekick. That's all.
12. He's an alcoholic

I'm going to add more as I go because this is actually really helpful.

Look. I know there's a lot of things about him that work really well for you. He's fun, he's personable, he's outgoing, he's very kind, and he's funny, and he's thoughtful, and he's gracious and appreciative and protective and loving. There's a lot of good things. I get that. But look. He is not the only man in the world who is those things. You can and you will find someone who has those qualities without you worrying about sacrificing your freedom to support their dreams when they don't even treat those dreams, or you, with care. If you go along with this and stick by him, aware of all of that, then that makes you just as careless as he is. And you're not. You're not careless at all. You know I'm right.

I don't understand

I can't believe I lost you.

There was something about you being there that I believed. It felt like you were supposed to be there. I've literally never felt that way about another person before. It wasn't like, an emotion. It wasn't some projection from love or my feelings or anything like that. It was something totally separate. I just knew in my bones that you were supposed to be there.

I remember when we were driving back from New Mexico, we were out in the desert and I was driving the truck. I was trying to get to a gas station but I turned too early, and you told me to drive the truck up this steep ass sandy hill to get to the gas station parking lot, instead of turning around. I did it and I was just laughing my ass off driving up this sandpile in the desert sun. I don't know. I felt so free. Like we could just do anything and we wouldn't ever have to turn around. Like taking a wrong turn could be something that you remember in a good way.

I went into the gas station while you were putting gas in the truck and bought cigarettes. There was a coffee bar inside, so I was waiting in line to get a drink, just standing there with my cigarettes. It's so funny because a lot of times important moments happen so randomly, in the most nondescript places, for no particular reason. But you walked in the door, and I looked up and saw you there. We walked towards each other and I stepped in and wrapped my arms around you and put my head on your shoulder. And I swear to God I just had this feeling in my whole body like I would be standing in random places holding you for the rest of my life. Like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Like I would never have to doubt again if it was the right person because it simply was. I'd found you. It absolutely shook me.

But I lost you. That can't be right. That doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense.

That's it.

Well. I finally went and did it. I knew he was going to be leaving for a month in January, but I didn't really put two and two together about him going to new york and then hawaii first. I wish he'd been more honest with me. Honestly, I thought he was going to ask me to come to new york with him. He asked me if I wanted to go a couple months ago but then never brought it up again, but I thought he was going to. In my head I was thinking, yeah it sucks that he'll be gone for a month but we'll get to spend most of winter break together, and I can wait a month, and it'll be okay.

I was totally wrong. Holy shit @ how wrong I was.

I don't know. I honestly do understand why he feels like he needs to focus on himself and work through his issues and figure out what he wants and needs in life. His best friend died and he's had a hard year/life and like.. okay. That makes sense. You don't want to be in a relationship right now. But why the fuck didn't you tell me that to begin with? You were introducing me to people as "your girl" and asking me if I would ever want to have kids, and all kinds of shit. You took me to meet all your friends and family in the state. If you knew you didn't want a relationship you should not have been behaving that way. Those aren't things you do with someone when it's just casual. It's like you wanted the security and tenderness of a relationship to help ease some of your hurt up until you were ready to go deal with it, but you allowed me to believe that it was something it wasn't.

And not only that, when we were driving to Scott's for breakfast a few weeks ago, your friend called you on the phone and asked what you were up to and you said something about, going to get breakfast with my lady. And the friend was like oh wow you have a girlfriend? Congrats! That's great. And you were like yeah thanks. And then when you got off the phone you looked at me and said "Are you my lady?" And I said "let's talk about it" and you said "ok we'll talk about it." But we obviously couldn't right then because we were pulling up to Scott's and we were already late. And then you just never brought it up again. But like, why did you phrase that as a question!? If you say it that way, it makes it sound like it's open to discussion, like it could go either way. But now you're telling me you knew this whole time that you weren't ready for that. The degree to which you misled me is just... it's just really bad.

If my feelings toward you were clearly pretty low key or casual or whatever it still wouldn't be great but it would be slightly more understandable. But I think it's pretty obvious to literally anyone who has seen me with you in the history of ever that I'm in love with you. You should have told me this a long, long time ago. You should have told me this before New Mexico if we're being honest. If you knew this was a hard and fast line you should have clearly communicated it before anyone caught feelings, so that I could at least make a decision or act based on the facts.

You not wanting to be in a relationship given your circumstances is truly understandable, that's not the problem. I don't understand why you did this. I know you probably just didn't want to lose me and you've been feeling numb for a long time and being around me made you feel something and you needed that and you couldn't bring yourself to tell me and lose me. I get that. But if you really cared about me you would have done it anyway. You had a choice between hurting yourself or hurting me and you chose to hurt me, even if it was a subconscious choice. That was the choice you made. Doesn't really sound like boyfriend, husband, or father material.

If you ever come back, I'll have a lot of questions for you, and you better hope I like your answers. That's all, I guess.

Hmm. Fuck?

I really hope this is safe because I'm trying so hard not to fall in love with you and I don't know how long I'll be able to control it.

I honestly think we're compatible as fuck, I just don't know if our plans for the future coincide and if they don't, falling in love with you is a stupid fucking idea because it'll just lead to heartbreak eventually.

God dammit. Why do you have to be so wonderful. You are not making this easy.

You make me feel so fucking happy.

Good talk

Okay I'm posting this in the same night as the previous one, once I had some time to cool down.

Yeah it was a dumb thing to do. But I really don't know how inebriated you were. Your tolerance is way, way higher than mine and you might really have been fine. It was stupid to try driving on halloween weekend if you'd had anything to drink at all, just because of the fact that cops would obviously be trying to trap people, but you know. It's not like I've never done anything stupid like that. I do shit like that all the time. I have 2-3 drinks at Atlantis over the course of 4 hours every single week and then drive home, because I feel fine. I'm sure you felt fine too. You just picked a stupid night to do that. But it's also not fair for me to make judgements really, because I'm a white chick. I literally yelled at a cop, while I was sitting in my running car that I'd pulled over in the middle of the road, without my ID on me, without even thinking about it because I was frustrated that I couldn't get out of Sellwood because of a marathon going on. I literally don't even remember the last time I got pulled over. I can't know what it's like for you. It's not fair for me to get so angry. I do the same exact thing every fucking week. I was just upset because 1) you didn't tell me for a whole day, and I think that hurt my feelings because lately when shit happens you're the first person I want to tell and I was butt hurt that you don't feel the same way. 2) You didn't act like getting arrested was a big deal and to me it is. Maybe you were a lot more rattled than you let on though, I can't know that either. 3) You said you weren't planning on driving home from Ashland but you didn't tell me what you were planning on doing instead, and I'm just generally sick and not feeling well and my brain went straight to 'maybe he was planning on crashing with a girl'. Like I didn't even fully flesh that thought out in my head, it was just kind of there in the background and I didn't want to admit I was thinking it because I think jealousy is unattractive and embarrassing. But it's my fucking blog and if I can't be honest with myself who can I be honest with. But even that isn't fair, who knows, maybe you were maybe you weren't but you're not my boyfriend and if I don't want you doing anything with other girls then it's my job to communicate that that's how I feel, which I haven't done. Idk, it's weird because like, of course I don't want you doing that, but I feel like it's way too soon to take it there. So like, I'm just not doing anything with anyone else and kind of hoping you're not either but not actually telling you that. Which is stupid and maybe immature but I just want to take it slow and not get too serious too fast. Like I want the seriousness without the label of the seriousness, just while we're figuring shit out, but I don't know what you want and I don't want to come on too strong. But also, if you are hooking up with other people I would want to know because I'd start doing the same thing so that I wouldn't get too attached or feel hurt/jealous about it. I should probably talk to you about this but fuck I don't want to. It's not that I'm not capable of having this conversation, I just feel like it hasn't been long enough to have it and I'm not even sure if I want to firmly establish that we're not hooking up with other people because you doing things like getting arrested so nonchalantly makes me unsure about you. I just want you to not do that and me to not do that while I figure out if you're a safe egg basket.

Hmm. The fact that I had a list of 3 things that I was upset about and I rambled about one of them for like a page kind of tells me that maybe that was the thing I was bothered about the most. Could that really be it? I was mad because y'all got me sick and I thought, here I am coughing up my lungs because of you and stuck at home on halloween weekend while everyone else has fun, and you're just off partying and getting duis with cute chicks.

Yep that's it that's what really ticked me off.

Well that's not fair. I can't just assume a bunch of shit. I think you like me. I like you. If I want to wait to have that conversation then that's on me, I can't hold you accountable for that.

Alright, cool. Good talk, self.

Anger

I don't know what to do with you. Maybe I should just call the whole thing off.

I don't know how someone can be so together and responsible at times and so irresponsible and messy at others.

I just want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you.

Like what the fuck were you thinking! Your BEST FRIEND just died from drinking and driving, and you get behind the wheel when you've been drinking? I don't CARE that it was only three blocks! It's almost WORSE that it was only three blocks because there was literally no reason for you to do it! Why the fuck couldn't you just have walked if you were going three blocks away?

And how you're so casual about it. Like you didn't even bother mentioning it to me until 24 hours later. If it were me I would've been upset, I would've wanted to talk about it. It's like getting arrested is no big deal to you. I believe you that you didn't really go in the bike lane and that cops were trying to trap people. I do. I believe you. But you'd obviously been drinking or you wouldn't have refused to have your BAL tested. If you hadn't been drinking it would've proven it and they would've had to let you go without a DUI. And it's HALLOWEEN WEEKEND. Everyone knows they try to trap people on Halloween weekend!! And I also believe that you were probably profiled as a poc. I know that's not fair but the getting arrested is not what I'm upset about! I'm upset about the fact that you would fucking get behind the wheel and put yourself in danger within like a fucking month of Jazz's memorial. Like what the fuck are you thinking, how could you be so stupid? And you were in Ashland too, which is where you guys were driving home from when he died! I asked you if you'd been planning on driving home to Grants Pass that night after the afterparty and you said no, but you didn't tell me what you'd been planning on doing instead, and you've obviously made that drive drunk before, so how the fuck do I know if that's true?

Like how the fuck do you plan on doing whatever it is you're trying to do, building your fucking empire or compound or whatever the fuck it is you want to do, and telling people you want to start having a shitload of kids in a couple years? How is that something you seriously think is going to happen when you're running around like a fucking child getting arrested for driving drunk? Grow the fuck up.

I'm just fucking pissed off. You probably thought you were going to get all kinds of sympathy from me but you're not. You did a fucking stupid thing and I'm fucking angry. I'm so sick of this. I am not going to date another fucking irresponsible, immature, selfish asshole again. Not going to do it. How the fuck do you think people would feel if something happened to you? You just going to make a shitload of people feel the way you felt when Jazz died, you going to risk that, and you don't even care? No? It's no big deal? Fuck that.

I'm not doing this again. I'm not dating that guy again. I have worked too long and too hard to build a life for myself and I'm not going to throw it away on some douchebag who doesn't give a shit about anything.

Maybe it is because you're really depressed. I'm not saying that's not valid. I understand how being really depressed makes people act selfishly. But that doesn't mean I have to be involved. Understanding doesn't mean I have to put up with something if it negatively impacts me.

This just really fucking sucks. I don't think I can do this. You just don't have your shit together and I'm too grown for this.

Wakefulness

I am so thankful that we didn't work out. You have no idea.

I kept thinking that what we had was so special and so good, and that's why I was determined to fight for it even when I was miserable.

But I've met this person. And even if I never saw him again as long as I lived, the short few weeks I've spent with him made me realize that you were all wrong for me.

See, when I'm with you I'm content to lay around and complain about being sick and watch TV and play video games, and I feel dull like an old knife.

When I'm with him, I want to live. I feel so fucking alive when I'm with him. I want to play the piano. I want to write songs. I want to throw caution to the wind and take off to anywhere that strikes my fancy. I want to finally move out of my mom's house and get my own place. I want to meet new people, try new things, go new places. I feel so wild and free when I'm with him, like I can do anything and like the time to do it is now.

I never felt that way with you. I felt like I was coasting, or settling. I felt old.

I'm so happy I met him. I've learned not to hold on to things, and not to need things. Especially things that you can't control that other people can decide to take away. So I hope he stays, but even if he doesn't. Even if he doesn't. I'm so happy I met him.

I love who I am when I'm with him. I feel so myself when I'm with him. So fucking alive.

I think of him and me, driving down the highway. Me, rolling down the window and screaming "Shit, it's good to be alive!!" at the scenery flying by. I want to feel that way, always. I don't want to be that dull knife ever again. I want to feel the way I feel when I'm with him, even if he doesn't stay. It's like I was sleeping and he woke me up.

I am really mad at you

I am so fucking mad at you for not being better.

It only really hit me today that we're done. It didn't bother me before. I guess it still doesn't bother me, at least in the sense of wishing I could be back with you. I don't wish that. I just wish you'd been better.

You had so many chances for six years, and you didn't even try. You didn't even fucking try. You just talked out your ass and sat around and did nothing.

I'm so fucking mad at you.

It could have been different. I'm in bed playing crashlands listening to the weather happening outside. It's getting cold out. It takes me back to 4 years ago when I was doing the exact same thing, but in your bed instead of mine. Laying under the blankets in our pajamas with our feet linked together. I remembered how happy I felt, and how peaceful.

We could have had everything. I'm so angry.

It was stupid how much I loved you. It ended up being such a waste.

You know what'll make me even madder? If you don't go on and find a way to be happy.

You couldn't do it when you were with me. God fucking knows I tried.

You never realized that that was the only god damn thing that I wanted.

Whatever. You didn't try. You didn't care whether or not you were happy, so you didn't care about me. If you'd cared about me, you would have cared about the one fucking thing that I wanted.

So what. You couldn't do it with me. Just fucking do it, please.

It'll be ten times the waste if you don't. You won't just be wasting my time, or our relationship.

You won't be wasting the most love I've ever felt for another human being.

You'll be wasting your whole self.

Don't fucking do that. Jesus christ.

Rambly thoughts

Thinking about a random topic so I might as well pop off about it since nobody reads this. Also thank God nobody reads this, I just like having a diary on the cloud.

I was watching Parks and Rec, and it's the episode where Tom gets divorced so they go to the strip club. Ron says something about how he's not into strip clubs but he loves the buffet. And I was thinking, the next dude I date is going to be like that.

Probably not for obvious reasons. I have no problem with strippers, with stripping, with somebody I'm dating finding someone else attractive (I mean... fucking duh, that's going to happen. There's a lot of hot people in the world). It's just that 2/3 of my best girl friends that I've had in my life were strippers, and neither of them were happy. They would call me and ask me to come keep them company and grab a drink when things were slow at work, and some gross fuck would be creeping on them and they'd be like, smiling and pretending to be into it, and I knew in the real world they'd be telling him to fuck the hell off. And I just wanted to punch those fucking guys in their gross ass faces and tell them to get the fuck away from my girl.

The thing is, I don't really think stripping is anti-feminist and I don't think it's feminist. I don't think there's anything black or white about it as an institution itself. I think whether or not stripping is a feminist action is different for everyone who does it and just depends on whether or not it personally makes them feel empowered. For some women I know that it does, and if that's the case then fuck yeah. It's just that I have personal experience with women who it made them feel the opposite, and I love them so much and anything that makes them feel small just fills me with inexplicable rage and I want to rip it apart with my bare fingernails.

I guess my problem is, if I went to a strip club and there were 50 dancers there, and 49 of them felt empowered as fuck but one of them felt small, I wouldn't want to be there. I wouldn't want to contribute in any way to the way that one girl was feeling. Even if it made the 49 others feel better, it wouldn't be a good trade to me. There's nothing that makes me more upset or uncomfortable than making someone else feel small. I've lived my entire life trying to do the opposite when I meet people. I'm not saying "oh I'm so fucking great look at me." I've hurt tons of people and I've fucked up more than I probably even know. But I try, and I care, at least.

When I think about how I want to date a guy who doesn't like going to the strip club, all I'm saying is that I want to date someone who's like that too. Someone who's really aware of other people and where they're at and how they're feeling. So many people are just fucking clueless and don't even notice. I want someone who actually has emotional intelligence and a heart and doesn't want to go either because he can feel that one girl who feels small and it makes it hard for him to get a boner. That's the kind of person I want.

Like I said it's hard for me to reconcile that with my belief that women can do whatever the fuck they want with their own bodies and make whatever choices they want and I fully support them. I have no judgements about people who strip, seriously. It's a totally valid job and skill and I would punch anyone who looked down on strippers in the face.

I guess that's all a contradiction. I'll figure it out later.

Forgetting

I'm scared, dammit. Four months isn't that long. I'm not ready.
You might not even be there. God, I would feel so stupid if you weren't even there.

I hate this. I hate that it never went away. It's been almost 20 years and it just never went away.
It makes me wonder what kind of heart I have. It found something and it never let it go. It let everything else in the world go except for this one thing. It still reminds me when I dream at night, just when I've finally almost forgotten. I'll go to sleep, and there you are. I wish it would let me forget altogether. That would be better for me.

I fell in love with you when I was 10 years old and I've never loved anybody like that since.

I've loved. I've loved so much I thought it would burn me up. I thought I was being born again out of the ashes like a myth. I've loved so deeply and so completely. But this, you, are just the one that never went away.

If a stranger told me they felt this way, or if I read it in a book, I might even think it was creepy. Good god, I'd think to myself, you don't even know this person. You haven't known anything about them since you were children. What's wrong with you? You need to get a grip on yourself. It's ridiculous to romanticize a person that you don't even know anymore this way! You're just running away from life and this is a convenient excuse to help you do it because nothing will ever come of it, so you can just keep on living in a fantasy land instead of learning that the person you idolize is human just like everybody else. You only still feel this way because you never knew them well enough for them to have a chance to disappoint you.

That's what I'd think.
I'd think it was pathetic.

I wish it wasn't still living inside of me. These dreams make me ache with sadness, with the feeling that something is so deeply missing.

You were the first, and even if I never see you again, you'll likely be the last. Even if you're not real. Even if I just invented you in my head and projected you onto the first person who showed a little bit of kindness. I guess there's no way for me to know.

Let it all out, it's therapeutic, damnit

I don't really know what I'm doing right now.

I feel like I've just kind of floated through the last four weeks, avoiding life.

I know in the grand scheme of a life, a romantic relationship is pretty small. It's just one thing, and not everyone even has one.

It just feels weird being where I'm at, I guess.

I haven't talked to Ben in at least 2 months, maybe more. I was initially hoping he wouldn't write to me at all. It seems like every time we've stopped talking in the past, he'll completely leave me alone. But as soon as he decides he wants to reestablish contact, he goes after it like he's possessed. Once I get that first point of contact from him, it immediately turns into a deluge. That's why I was stressed out when he texted me three weeks ago letting me know that he was really busy but that he wanted to talk. I just expected it to turn into a storm, again, and I didn't want to talk yet. I didn't know if I wanted to talk at all. I still don't. But he hasn't written again, at least not yet. I'm not sure if it's better to just let it drift away than to talk about it, but I don't really feel ready to talk about it. I don't know what to say. I'm tired of the way he tries to micro manage everything that I do. It's dehumanizing and exhausting and infuriating all at the same time. I'm not even going to say "I don't want to." It's that I absolutely refuse to live a life where I'm in fear that if I don't stir my coffee quietly enough I'll get cussed out and spend weeks waiting for an apology, or at least some acknowledgement that the reaction was inappropriate, that won't ever come. It's bullshit and I'm not going to live that way. And when I say that, I don't mean "I need him to never do that to me again." I mean, "he is going to do that again and so I am not willing to be around him anymore."

He really believes that he cares about me, even when he's that person. I guess that's what's leaving me feeling so over trying to build something with another person. If someone can genuinely think they care about you and that they're trying, and still make your life so miserable, what then? I don't know if it's even worth it to try, with anyone, anymore. And it's kind of sad because when I'm with someone, whether it's long term or it's a new thing, there's this kind of spark and sparkle to everyday things. Even to bland things. Everything seems a little more alive. And that spark's kind of dead in me right now. It's not that being single kills the spark. It's more like... having no faith in relationships anymore kills it. I don't want to meet anyone else, and I don't want to be with him. I just kind of firmly believe at this point in time that anyone I try to be with is just going to take advantage of me, not appreciate me, try to change me, and just in general make my life more difficult and kind of kill my sense of self. It's not being alone that's dragging me down. It's believing that.

It just seems like everyone lets me down when I try to be with them, whether it's casual or serious. And I don't mean to suggest I'm this perfect person who never disappoints anyone or lets anyone down. I am, I have been, and I do, sometimes. But I care. I try not to. And when I feel like I've done something like that, let someone down, wronged them, or more importantly when someone else tells me I have, I spend a lot of time thinking about the situation and my behavior and I do my best to identify the problems in myself that led to my behaving wrongly, and to change those things. Apologies mean less than nothing if they're not accompanied by a conscious behavioral change. I just haven't seen that from anyone that I've tried to be with in so long, and I'm so tired. It seems like almost everyone I've ever been with has tried to change me, has tried to make me into someone like them, has complained about me more than they've lifted me up, and at the same time has professed to love or care about me deeply. It's hard to believe there's anything else out there. There are so many ways to let someone down, too. Ben never gave up on me, but he treated me like dirt so many times even if he didn't actually leave for good. Gabe treated me really well for the short time I hung out with him but then he disappeared with no explanation. Dylan never defended me when his friends were dicks, got drunk and told me he loved me way too early into us hanging out, and then panicked and ghosted me. Alden acted like he really liked me but then got back together with his ex out of nowhere and still made out with me afterwards one time, and to this day when I see him he hugs me for way too long and makes "I'm a sad boy" noises and tells me he misses me. Matt seemed to like me but without him actually saying it it seemed pretty clear he didn't want anything serious, which was fine with me because I didn't either at the time. But when I got back together with my ex, he still messaged me every few months for years to check in on me, and when I finally agreed to meet up and catch up he bailed on me two times in a row at the very last second because he can't stop himself from getting too drunk to not let people down, apparently. Jacob repeatedly instigated stuff with me and then when it blew up in our faces went around suggesting that we were equally at fault, when he was the one who was always pushing everything that happened between us, and always when I was drunk. I don't feel like he took advantage of me intentionally, but I don't see it as being equally our fault when he was the one who suggested that he'd broken up with his girlfriend when he hadn't yet, and he leaned in and kissed me without asking. I know I kissed him back but I didn't know he hadn't broken up with his girlfriend yet, and I was even on the fence about it in the first place. I guess I don't need to go any further back than that. It's just... do you see what I mean? That's not even that far back, that's just the last few years. And the only reason it's not a longer list of guys doing stupid things and upsetting me is because I spent so much of it letting Ben be the sole Person In Charge Of Letting Me Down.

I don't want to be alone. I guess that's the truth of the matter. I love love. I love crushes. I love connecting with someone on a different level than you connect with other people. I love getting to know someone so well. I love that feeling. I don't want to be alone. But I don't really believe in this anymore. I think that's why I'm so depressed right now. It's like growing up believing in unicorns, and you think you find one and then it turns out it's just a horse with a stick glued to its forehead. But you think, maybe the next one, maybe I'll find one. And then one day you just kind of realize that unicorns don't exist. It's not that you don't want to see one anymore, you just know they're not real. I know that analogy is silly and childish but I'm feeling silly and childish right now so fuck off.

Maybe that's a bad analogy. The whole "unicorn" thing makes it sound like I believed there was someone out there who was perfect and when I met them everything would just click into place. I know people aren't perfect. I know that. I don't expect them to be. I don't even want them to be because how fucking boring would that be? You can't grow if you're perfect. And growth is the part that's beautiful, even when it's ugly. That's the part I love the best. So no, I wasn't looking for perfection. I was just looking for an imperfect person with kindness in their heart who harbored an undying desire to be better. Someone who valued me. Someone who valued me more than their old resentments, more than their fears, more than their addictions. I didn't want someone who had no resentments, fears, or addictions. Just someone who cared about me a little more than they cared about those things. See the difference? Because that's the place where growth happens. And obviously you don't need a relationship to grow. You just have to care about something more than the darker parts of yourself that you cling to. It doesn't have to be a person. But they're not mutually exclusive either. It could be both. It could be more than one thing. I guess I just wanted someone to grow with. Someone to share the process of finding things that mattered more than our darknesses. I can't find them. People just want to cling to their demons and use me to pad the blows they refuse to stop taking. I'm beat.