Anger

I don't know what to do with you. Maybe I should just call the whole thing off.

I don't know how someone can be so together and responsible at times and so irresponsible and messy at others.

I just want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you.

Like what the fuck were you thinking! Your BEST FRIEND just died from drinking and driving, and you get behind the wheel when you've been drinking? I don't CARE that it was only three blocks! It's almost WORSE that it was only three blocks because there was literally no reason for you to do it! Why the fuck couldn't you just have walked if you were going three blocks away?

And how you're so casual about it. Like you didn't even bother mentioning it to me until 24 hours later. If it were me I would've been upset, I would've wanted to talk about it. It's like getting arrested is no big deal to you. I believe you that you didn't really go in the bike lane and that cops were trying to trap people. I do. I believe you. But you'd obviously been drinking or you wouldn't have refused to have your BAL tested. If you hadn't been drinking it would've proven it and they would've had to let you go without a DUI. And it's HALLOWEEN WEEKEND. Everyone knows they try to trap people on Halloween weekend!! And I also believe that you were probably profiled as a poc. I know that's not fair but the getting arrested is not what I'm upset about! I'm upset about the fact that you would fucking get behind the wheel and put yourself in danger within like a fucking month of Jazz's memorial. Like what the fuck are you thinking, how could you be so stupid? And you were in Ashland too, which is where you guys were driving home from when he died! I asked you if you'd been planning on driving home to Grants Pass that night after the afterparty and you said no, but you didn't tell me what you'd been planning on doing instead, and you've obviously made that drive drunk before, so how the fuck do I know if that's true?

Like how the fuck do you plan on doing whatever it is you're trying to do, building your fucking empire or compound or whatever the fuck it is you want to do, and telling people you want to start having a shitload of kids in a couple years? How is that something you seriously think is going to happen when you're running around like a fucking child getting arrested for driving drunk? Grow the fuck up.

I'm just fucking pissed off. You probably thought you were going to get all kinds of sympathy from me but you're not. You did a fucking stupid thing and I'm fucking angry. I'm so sick of this. I am not going to date another fucking irresponsible, immature, selfish asshole again. Not going to do it. How the fuck do you think people would feel if something happened to you? You just going to make a shitload of people feel the way you felt when Jazz died, you going to risk that, and you don't even care? No? It's no big deal? Fuck that.

I'm not doing this again. I'm not dating that guy again. I have worked too long and too hard to build a life for myself and I'm not going to throw it away on some douchebag who doesn't give a shit about anything.

Maybe it is because you're really depressed. I'm not saying that's not valid. I understand how being really depressed makes people act selfishly. But that doesn't mean I have to be involved. Understanding doesn't mean I have to put up with something if it negatively impacts me.

This just really fucking sucks. I don't think I can do this. You just don't have your shit together and I'm too grown for this.