Good talk

Okay I'm posting this in the same night as the previous one, once I had some time to cool down.

Yeah it was a dumb thing to do. But I really don't know how inebriated you were. Your tolerance is way, way higher than mine and you might really have been fine. It was stupid to try driving on halloween weekend if you'd had anything to drink at all, just because of the fact that cops would obviously be trying to trap people, but you know. It's not like I've never done anything stupid like that. I do shit like that all the time. I have 2-3 drinks at Atlantis over the course of 4 hours every single week and then drive home, because I feel fine. I'm sure you felt fine too. You just picked a stupid night to do that. But it's also not fair for me to make judgements really, because I'm a white chick. I literally yelled at a cop, while I was sitting in my running car that I'd pulled over in the middle of the road, without my ID on me, without even thinking about it because I was frustrated that I couldn't get out of Sellwood because of a marathon going on. I literally don't even remember the last time I got pulled over. I can't know what it's like for you. It's not fair for me to get so angry. I do the same exact thing every fucking week. I was just upset because 1) you didn't tell me for a whole day, and I think that hurt my feelings because lately when shit happens you're the first person I want to tell and I was butt hurt that you don't feel the same way. 2) You didn't act like getting arrested was a big deal and to me it is. Maybe you were a lot more rattled than you let on though, I can't know that either. 3) You said you weren't planning on driving home from Ashland but you didn't tell me what you were planning on doing instead, and I'm just generally sick and not feeling well and my brain went straight to 'maybe he was planning on crashing with a girl'. Like I didn't even fully flesh that thought out in my head, it was just kind of there in the background and I didn't want to admit I was thinking it because I think jealousy is unattractive and embarrassing. But it's my fucking blog and if I can't be honest with myself who can I be honest with. But even that isn't fair, who knows, maybe you were maybe you weren't but you're not my boyfriend and if I don't want you doing anything with other girls then it's my job to communicate that that's how I feel, which I haven't done. Idk, it's weird because like, of course I don't want you doing that, but I feel like it's way too soon to take it there. So like, I'm just not doing anything with anyone else and kind of hoping you're not either but not actually telling you that. Which is stupid and maybe immature but I just want to take it slow and not get too serious too fast. Like I want the seriousness without the label of the seriousness, just while we're figuring shit out, but I don't know what you want and I don't want to come on too strong. But also, if you are hooking up with other people I would want to know because I'd start doing the same thing so that I wouldn't get too attached or feel hurt/jealous about it. I should probably talk to you about this but fuck I don't want to. It's not that I'm not capable of having this conversation, I just feel like it hasn't been long enough to have it and I'm not even sure if I want to firmly establish that we're not hooking up with other people because you doing things like getting arrested so nonchalantly makes me unsure about you. I just want you to not do that and me to not do that while I figure out if you're a safe egg basket.

Hmm. The fact that I had a list of 3 things that I was upset about and I rambled about one of them for like a page kind of tells me that maybe that was the thing I was bothered about the most. Could that really be it? I was mad because y'all got me sick and I thought, here I am coughing up my lungs because of you and stuck at home on halloween weekend while everyone else has fun, and you're just off partying and getting duis with cute chicks.

Yep that's it that's what really ticked me off.

Well that's not fair. I can't just assume a bunch of shit. I think you like me. I like you. If I want to wait to have that conversation then that's on me, I can't hold you accountable for that.

Alright, cool. Good talk, self.