I don't understand

I can't believe I lost you.

There was something about you being there that I believed. It felt like you were supposed to be there. I've literally never felt that way about another person before. It wasn't like, an emotion. It wasn't some projection from love or my feelings or anything like that. It was something totally separate. I just knew in my bones that you were supposed to be there.

I remember when we were driving back from New Mexico, we were out in the desert and I was driving the truck. I was trying to get to a gas station but I turned too early, and you told me to drive the truck up this steep ass sandy hill to get to the gas station parking lot, instead of turning around. I did it and I was just laughing my ass off driving up this sandpile in the desert sun. I don't know. I felt so free. Like we could just do anything and we wouldn't ever have to turn around. Like taking a wrong turn could be something that you remember in a good way.

I went into the gas station while you were putting gas in the truck and bought cigarettes. There was a coffee bar inside, so I was waiting in line to get a drink, just standing there with my cigarettes. It's so funny because a lot of times important moments happen so randomly, in the most nondescript places, for no particular reason. But you walked in the door, and I looked up and saw you there. We walked towards each other and I stepped in and wrapped my arms around you and put my head on your shoulder. And I swear to God I just had this feeling in my whole body like I would be standing in random places holding you for the rest of my life. Like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Like I would never have to doubt again if it was the right person because it simply was. I'd found you. It absolutely shook me.

But I lost you. That can't be right. That doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense.