That's it.

Well. I finally went and did it. I knew he was going to be leaving for a month in January, but I didn't really put two and two together about him going to new york and then hawaii first. I wish he'd been more honest with me. Honestly, I thought he was going to ask me to come to new york with him. He asked me if I wanted to go a couple months ago but then never brought it up again, but I thought he was going to. In my head I was thinking, yeah it sucks that he'll be gone for a month but we'll get to spend most of winter break together, and I can wait a month, and it'll be okay.

I was totally wrong. Holy shit @ how wrong I was.

I don't know. I honestly do understand why he feels like he needs to focus on himself and work through his issues and figure out what he wants and needs in life. His best friend died and he's had a hard year/life and like.. okay. That makes sense. You don't want to be in a relationship right now. But why the fuck didn't you tell me that to begin with? You were introducing me to people as "your girl" and asking me if I would ever want to have kids, and all kinds of shit. You took me to meet all your friends and family in the state. If you knew you didn't want a relationship you should not have been behaving that way. Those aren't things you do with someone when it's just casual. It's like you wanted the security and tenderness of a relationship to help ease some of your hurt up until you were ready to go deal with it, but you allowed me to believe that it was something it wasn't.

And not only that, when we were driving to Scott's for breakfast a few weeks ago, your friend called you on the phone and asked what you were up to and you said something about, going to get breakfast with my lady. And the friend was like oh wow you have a girlfriend? Congrats! That's great. And you were like yeah thanks. And then when you got off the phone you looked at me and said "Are you my lady?" And I said "let's talk about it" and you said "ok we'll talk about it." But we obviously couldn't right then because we were pulling up to Scott's and we were already late. And then you just never brought it up again. But like, why did you phrase that as a question!? If you say it that way, it makes it sound like it's open to discussion, like it could go either way. But now you're telling me you knew this whole time that you weren't ready for that. The degree to which you misled me is just... it's just really bad.

If my feelings toward you were clearly pretty low key or casual or whatever it still wouldn't be great but it would be slightly more understandable. But I think it's pretty obvious to literally anyone who has seen me with you in the history of ever that I'm in love with you. You should have told me this a long, long time ago. You should have told me this before New Mexico if we're being honest. If you knew this was a hard and fast line you should have clearly communicated it before anyone caught feelings, so that I could at least make a decision or act based on the facts.

You not wanting to be in a relationship given your circumstances is truly understandable, that's not the problem. I don't understand why you did this. I know you probably just didn't want to lose me and you've been feeling numb for a long time and being around me made you feel something and you needed that and you couldn't bring yourself to tell me and lose me. I get that. But if you really cared about me you would have done it anyway. You had a choice between hurting yourself or hurting me and you chose to hurt me, even if it was a subconscious choice. That was the choice you made. Doesn't really sound like boyfriend, husband, or father material.

If you ever come back, I'll have a lot of questions for you, and you better hope I like your answers. That's all, I guess.