Wakefulness

I am so thankful that we didn't work out. You have no idea.

I kept thinking that what we had was so special and so good, and that's why I was determined to fight for it even when I was miserable.

But I've met this person. And even if I never saw him again as long as I lived, the short few weeks I've spent with him made me realize that you were all wrong for me.

See, when I'm with you I'm content to lay around and complain about being sick and watch TV and play video games, and I feel dull like an old knife.

When I'm with him, I want to live. I feel so fucking alive when I'm with him. I want to play the piano. I want to write songs. I want to throw caution to the wind and take off to anywhere that strikes my fancy. I want to finally move out of my mom's house and get my own place. I want to meet new people, try new things, go new places. I feel so wild and free when I'm with him, like I can do anything and like the time to do it is now.

I never felt that way with you. I felt like I was coasting, or settling. I felt old.

I'm so happy I met him. I've learned not to hold on to things, and not to need things. Especially things that you can't control that other people can decide to take away. So I hope he stays, but even if he doesn't. Even if he doesn't. I'm so happy I met him.

I love who I am when I'm with him. I feel so myself when I'm with him. So fucking alive.

I think of him and me, driving down the highway. Me, rolling down the window and screaming "Shit, it's good to be alive!!" at the scenery flying by. I want to feel that way, always. I don't want to be that dull knife ever again. I want to feel the way I feel when I'm with him, even if he doesn't stay. It's like I was sleeping and he woke me up.