Good talk

Okay I'm posting this in the same night as the previous one, once I had some time to cool down.

Yeah it was a dumb thing to do. But I really don't know how inebriated you were. Your tolerance is way, way higher than mine and you might really have been fine. It was stupid to try driving on halloween weekend if you'd had anything to drink at all, just because of the fact that cops would obviously be trying to trap people, but you know. It's not like I've never done anything stupid like that. I do shit like that all the time. I have 2-3 drinks at Atlantis over the course of 4 hours every single week and then drive home, because I feel fine. I'm sure you felt fine too. You just picked a stupid night to do that. But it's also not fair for me to make judgements really, because I'm a white chick. I literally yelled at a cop, while I was sitting in my running car that I'd pulled over in the middle of the road, without my ID on me, without even thinking about it because I was frustrated that I couldn't get out of Sellwood because of a marathon going on. I literally don't even remember the last time I got pulled over. I can't know what it's like for you. It's not fair for me to get so angry. I do the same exact thing every fucking week. I was just upset because 1) you didn't tell me for a whole day, and I think that hurt my feelings because lately when shit happens you're the first person I want to tell and I was butt hurt that you don't feel the same way. 2) You didn't act like getting arrested was a big deal and to me it is. Maybe you were a lot more rattled than you let on though, I can't know that either. 3) You said you weren't planning on driving home from Ashland but you didn't tell me what you were planning on doing instead, and I'm just generally sick and not feeling well and my brain went straight to 'maybe he was planning on crashing with a girl'. Like I didn't even fully flesh that thought out in my head, it was just kind of there in the background and I didn't want to admit I was thinking it because I think jealousy is unattractive and embarrassing. But it's my fucking blog and if I can't be honest with myself who can I be honest with. But even that isn't fair, who knows, maybe you were maybe you weren't but you're not my boyfriend and if I don't want you doing anything with other girls then it's my job to communicate that that's how I feel, which I haven't done. Idk, it's weird because like, of course I don't want you doing that, but I feel like it's way too soon to take it there. So like, I'm just not doing anything with anyone else and kind of hoping you're not either but not actually telling you that. Which is stupid and maybe immature but I just want to take it slow and not get too serious too fast. Like I want the seriousness without the label of the seriousness, just while we're figuring shit out, but I don't know what you want and I don't want to come on too strong. But also, if you are hooking up with other people I would want to know because I'd start doing the same thing so that I wouldn't get too attached or feel hurt/jealous about it. I should probably talk to you about this but fuck I don't want to. It's not that I'm not capable of having this conversation, I just feel like it hasn't been long enough to have it and I'm not even sure if I want to firmly establish that we're not hooking up with other people because you doing things like getting arrested so nonchalantly makes me unsure about you. I just want you to not do that and me to not do that while I figure out if you're a safe egg basket.

Hmm. The fact that I had a list of 3 things that I was upset about and I rambled about one of them for like a page kind of tells me that maybe that was the thing I was bothered about the most. Could that really be it? I was mad because y'all got me sick and I thought, here I am coughing up my lungs because of you and stuck at home on halloween weekend while everyone else has fun, and you're just off partying and getting duis with cute chicks.

Yep that's it that's what really ticked me off.

Well that's not fair. I can't just assume a bunch of shit. I think you like me. I like you. If I want to wait to have that conversation then that's on me, I can't hold you accountable for that.

Alright, cool. Good talk, self.

Anger

I don't know what to do with you. Maybe I should just call the whole thing off.

I don't know how someone can be so together and responsible at times and so irresponsible and messy at others.

I just want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you.

Like what the fuck were you thinking! Your BEST FRIEND just died from drinking and driving, and you get behind the wheel when you've been drinking? I don't CARE that it was only three blocks! It's almost WORSE that it was only three blocks because there was literally no reason for you to do it! Why the fuck couldn't you just have walked if you were going three blocks away?

And how you're so casual about it. Like you didn't even bother mentioning it to me until 24 hours later. If it were me I would've been upset, I would've wanted to talk about it. It's like getting arrested is no big deal to you. I believe you that you didn't really go in the bike lane and that cops were trying to trap people. I do. I believe you. But you'd obviously been drinking or you wouldn't have refused to have your BAL tested. If you hadn't been drinking it would've proven it and they would've had to let you go without a DUI. And it's HALLOWEEN WEEKEND. Everyone knows they try to trap people on Halloween weekend!! And I also believe that you were probably profiled as a poc. I know that's not fair but the getting arrested is not what I'm upset about! I'm upset about the fact that you would fucking get behind the wheel and put yourself in danger within like a fucking month of Jazz's memorial. Like what the fuck are you thinking, how could you be so stupid? And you were in Ashland too, which is where you guys were driving home from when he died! I asked you if you'd been planning on driving home to Grants Pass that night after the afterparty and you said no, but you didn't tell me what you'd been planning on doing instead, and you've obviously made that drive drunk before, so how the fuck do I know if that's true?

Like how the fuck do you plan on doing whatever it is you're trying to do, building your fucking empire or compound or whatever the fuck it is you want to do, and telling people you want to start having a shitload of kids in a couple years? How is that something you seriously think is going to happen when you're running around like a fucking child getting arrested for driving drunk? Grow the fuck up.

I'm just fucking pissed off. You probably thought you were going to get all kinds of sympathy from me but you're not. You did a fucking stupid thing and I'm fucking angry. I'm so sick of this. I am not going to date another fucking irresponsible, immature, selfish asshole again. Not going to do it. How the fuck do you think people would feel if something happened to you? You just going to make a shitload of people feel the way you felt when Jazz died, you going to risk that, and you don't even care? No? It's no big deal? Fuck that.

I'm not doing this again. I'm not dating that guy again. I have worked too long and too hard to build a life for myself and I'm not going to throw it away on some douchebag who doesn't give a shit about anything.

Maybe it is because you're really depressed. I'm not saying that's not valid. I understand how being really depressed makes people act selfishly. But that doesn't mean I have to be involved. Understanding doesn't mean I have to put up with something if it negatively impacts me.

This just really fucking sucks. I don't think I can do this. You just don't have your shit together and I'm too grown for this.

Wakefulness

I am so thankful that we didn't work out. You have no idea.

I kept thinking that what we had was so special and so good, and that's why I was determined to fight for it even when I was miserable.

But I've met this person. And even if I never saw him again as long as I lived, the short few weeks I've spent with him made me realize that you were all wrong for me.

See, when I'm with you I'm content to lay around and complain about being sick and watch TV and play video games, and I feel dull like an old knife.

When I'm with him, I want to live. I feel so fucking alive when I'm with him. I want to play the piano. I want to write songs. I want to throw caution to the wind and take off to anywhere that strikes my fancy. I want to finally move out of my mom's house and get my own place. I want to meet new people, try new things, go new places. I feel so wild and free when I'm with him, like I can do anything and like the time to do it is now.

I never felt that way with you. I felt like I was coasting, or settling. I felt old.

I'm so happy I met him. I've learned not to hold on to things, and not to need things. Especially things that you can't control that other people can decide to take away. So I hope he stays, but even if he doesn't. Even if he doesn't. I'm so happy I met him.

I love who I am when I'm with him. I feel so myself when I'm with him. So fucking alive.

I think of him and me, driving down the highway. Me, rolling down the window and screaming "Shit, it's good to be alive!!" at the scenery flying by. I want to feel that way, always. I don't want to be that dull knife ever again. I want to feel the way I feel when I'm with him, even if he doesn't stay. It's like I was sleeping and he woke me up.

I am really mad at you

I am so fucking mad at you for not being better.

It only really hit me today that we're done. It didn't bother me before. I guess it still doesn't bother me, at least in the sense of wishing I could be back with you. I don't wish that. I just wish you'd been better.

You had so many chances for six years, and you didn't even try. You didn't even fucking try. You just talked out your ass and sat around and did nothing.

I'm so fucking mad at you.

It could have been different. I'm in bed playing crashlands listening to the weather happening outside. It's getting cold out. It takes me back to 4 years ago when I was doing the exact same thing, but in your bed instead of mine. Laying under the blankets in our pajamas with our feet linked together. I remembered how happy I felt, and how peaceful.

We could have had everything. I'm so angry.

It was stupid how much I loved you. It ended up being such a waste.

You know what'll make me even madder? If you don't go on and find a way to be happy.

You couldn't do it when you were with me. God fucking knows I tried.

You never realized that that was the only god damn thing that I wanted.

Whatever. You didn't try. You didn't care whether or not you were happy, so you didn't care about me. If you'd cared about me, you would have cared about the one fucking thing that I wanted.

So what. You couldn't do it with me. Just fucking do it, please.

It'll be ten times the waste if you don't. You won't just be wasting my time, or our relationship.

You won't be wasting the most love I've ever felt for another human being.

You'll be wasting your whole self.

Don't fucking do that. Jesus christ.

Rambly thoughts

Thinking about a random topic so I might as well pop off about it since nobody reads this. Also thank God nobody reads this, I just like having a diary on the cloud.

I was watching Parks and Rec, and it's the episode where Tom gets divorced so they go to the strip club. Ron says something about how he's not into strip clubs but he loves the buffet. And I was thinking, the next dude I date is going to be like that.

Probably not for obvious reasons. I have no problem with strippers, with stripping, with somebody I'm dating finding someone else attractive (I mean... fucking duh, that's going to happen. There's a lot of hot people in the world). It's just that 2/3 of my best girl friends that I've had in my life were strippers, and neither of them were happy. They would call me and ask me to come keep them company and grab a drink when things were slow at work, and some gross fuck would be creeping on them and they'd be like, smiling and pretending to be into it, and I knew in the real world they'd be telling him to fuck the hell off. And I just wanted to punch those fucking guys in their gross ass faces and tell them to get the fuck away from my girl.

The thing is, I don't really think stripping is anti-feminist and I don't think it's feminist. I don't think there's anything black or white about it as an institution itself. I think whether or not stripping is a feminist action is different for everyone who does it and just depends on whether or not it personally makes them feel empowered. For some women I know that it does, and if that's the case then fuck yeah. It's just that I have personal experience with women who it made them feel the opposite, and I love them so much and anything that makes them feel small just fills me with inexplicable rage and I want to rip it apart with my bare fingernails.

I guess my problem is, if I went to a strip club and there were 50 dancers there, and 49 of them felt empowered as fuck but one of them felt small, I wouldn't want to be there. I wouldn't want to contribute in any way to the way that one girl was feeling. Even if it made the 49 others feel better, it wouldn't be a good trade to me. There's nothing that makes me more upset or uncomfortable than making someone else feel small. I've lived my entire life trying to do the opposite when I meet people. I'm not saying "oh I'm so fucking great look at me." I've hurt tons of people and I've fucked up more than I probably even know. But I try, and I care, at least.

When I think about how I want to date a guy who doesn't like going to the strip club, all I'm saying is that I want to date someone who's like that too. Someone who's really aware of other people and where they're at and how they're feeling. So many people are just fucking clueless and don't even notice. I want someone who actually has emotional intelligence and a heart and doesn't want to go either because he can feel that one girl who feels small and it makes it hard for him to get a boner. That's the kind of person I want.

Like I said it's hard for me to reconcile that with my belief that women can do whatever the fuck they want with their own bodies and make whatever choices they want and I fully support them. I have no judgements about people who strip, seriously. It's a totally valid job and skill and I would punch anyone who looked down on strippers in the face.

I guess that's all a contradiction. I'll figure it out later.

Forgetting

I'm scared, dammit. Four months isn't that long. I'm not ready.
You might not even be there. God, I would feel so stupid if you weren't even there.

I hate this. I hate that it never went away. It's been almost 20 years and it just never went away.
It makes me wonder what kind of heart I have. It found something and it never let it go. It let everything else in the world go except for this one thing. It still reminds me when I dream at night, just when I've finally almost forgotten. I'll go to sleep, and there you are. I wish it would let me forget altogether. That would be better for me.

I fell in love with you when I was 10 years old and I've never loved anybody like that since.

I've loved. I've loved so much I thought it would burn me up. I thought I was being born again out of the ashes like a myth. I've loved so deeply and so completely. But this, you, are just the one that never went away.

If a stranger told me they felt this way, or if I read it in a book, I might even think it was creepy. Good god, I'd think to myself, you don't even know this person. You haven't known anything about them since you were children. What's wrong with you? You need to get a grip on yourself. It's ridiculous to romanticize a person that you don't even know anymore this way! You're just running away from life and this is a convenient excuse to help you do it because nothing will ever come of it, so you can just keep on living in a fantasy land instead of learning that the person you idolize is human just like everybody else. You only still feel this way because you never knew them well enough for them to have a chance to disappoint you.

That's what I'd think.
I'd think it was pathetic.

I wish it wasn't still living inside of me. These dreams make me ache with sadness, with the feeling that something is so deeply missing.

You were the first, and even if I never see you again, you'll likely be the last. Even if you're not real. Even if I just invented you in my head and projected you onto the first person who showed a little bit of kindness. I guess there's no way for me to know.

Let it all out, it's therapeutic, damnit

I don't really know what I'm doing right now.

I feel like I've just kind of floated through the last four weeks, avoiding life.

I know in the grand scheme of a life, a romantic relationship is pretty small. It's just one thing, and not everyone even has one.

It just feels weird being where I'm at, I guess.

I haven't talked to Ben in at least 2 months, maybe more. I was initially hoping he wouldn't write to me at all. It seems like every time we've stopped talking in the past, he'll completely leave me alone. But as soon as he decides he wants to reestablish contact, he goes after it like he's possessed. Once I get that first point of contact from him, it immediately turns into a deluge. That's why I was stressed out when he texted me three weeks ago letting me know that he was really busy but that he wanted to talk. I just expected it to turn into a storm, again, and I didn't want to talk yet. I didn't know if I wanted to talk at all. I still don't. But he hasn't written again, at least not yet. I'm not sure if it's better to just let it drift away than to talk about it, but I don't really feel ready to talk about it. I don't know what to say. I'm tired of the way he tries to micro manage everything that I do. It's dehumanizing and exhausting and infuriating all at the same time. I'm not even going to say "I don't want to." It's that I absolutely refuse to live a life where I'm in fear that if I don't stir my coffee quietly enough I'll get cussed out and spend weeks waiting for an apology, or at least some acknowledgement that the reaction was inappropriate, that won't ever come. It's bullshit and I'm not going to live that way. And when I say that, I don't mean "I need him to never do that to me again." I mean, "he is going to do that again and so I am not willing to be around him anymore."

He really believes that he cares about me, even when he's that person. I guess that's what's leaving me feeling so over trying to build something with another person. If someone can genuinely think they care about you and that they're trying, and still make your life so miserable, what then? I don't know if it's even worth it to try, with anyone, anymore. And it's kind of sad because when I'm with someone, whether it's long term or it's a new thing, there's this kind of spark and sparkle to everyday things. Even to bland things. Everything seems a little more alive. And that spark's kind of dead in me right now. It's not that being single kills the spark. It's more like... having no faith in relationships anymore kills it. I don't want to meet anyone else, and I don't want to be with him. I just kind of firmly believe at this point in time that anyone I try to be with is just going to take advantage of me, not appreciate me, try to change me, and just in general make my life more difficult and kind of kill my sense of self. It's not being alone that's dragging me down. It's believing that.

It just seems like everyone lets me down when I try to be with them, whether it's casual or serious. And I don't mean to suggest I'm this perfect person who never disappoints anyone or lets anyone down. I am, I have been, and I do, sometimes. But I care. I try not to. And when I feel like I've done something like that, let someone down, wronged them, or more importantly when someone else tells me I have, I spend a lot of time thinking about the situation and my behavior and I do my best to identify the problems in myself that led to my behaving wrongly, and to change those things. Apologies mean less than nothing if they're not accompanied by a conscious behavioral change. I just haven't seen that from anyone that I've tried to be with in so long, and I'm so tired. It seems like almost everyone I've ever been with has tried to change me, has tried to make me into someone like them, has complained about me more than they've lifted me up, and at the same time has professed to love or care about me deeply. It's hard to believe there's anything else out there. There are so many ways to let someone down, too. Ben never gave up on me, but he treated me like dirt so many times even if he didn't actually leave for good. Gabe treated me really well for the short time I hung out with him but then he disappeared with no explanation. Dylan never defended me when his friends were dicks, got drunk and told me he loved me way too early into us hanging out, and then panicked and ghosted me. Alden acted like he really liked me but then got back together with his ex out of nowhere and still made out with me afterwards one time, and to this day when I see him he hugs me for way too long and makes "I'm a sad boy" noises and tells me he misses me. Matt seemed to like me but without him actually saying it it seemed pretty clear he didn't want anything serious, which was fine with me because I didn't either at the time. But when I got back together with my ex, he still messaged me every few months for years to check in on me, and when I finally agreed to meet up and catch up he bailed on me two times in a row at the very last second because he can't stop himself from getting too drunk to not let people down, apparently. Jacob repeatedly instigated stuff with me and then when it blew up in our faces went around suggesting that we were equally at fault, when he was the one who was always pushing everything that happened between us, and always when I was drunk. I don't feel like he took advantage of me intentionally, but I don't see it as being equally our fault when he was the one who suggested that he'd broken up with his girlfriend when he hadn't yet, and he leaned in and kissed me without asking. I know I kissed him back but I didn't know he hadn't broken up with his girlfriend yet, and I was even on the fence about it in the first place. I guess I don't need to go any further back than that. It's just... do you see what I mean? That's not even that far back, that's just the last few years. And the only reason it's not a longer list of guys doing stupid things and upsetting me is because I spent so much of it letting Ben be the sole Person In Charge Of Letting Me Down.

I don't want to be alone. I guess that's the truth of the matter. I love love. I love crushes. I love connecting with someone on a different level than you connect with other people. I love getting to know someone so well. I love that feeling. I don't want to be alone. But I don't really believe in this anymore. I think that's why I'm so depressed right now. It's like growing up believing in unicorns, and you think you find one and then it turns out it's just a horse with a stick glued to its forehead. But you think, maybe the next one, maybe I'll find one. And then one day you just kind of realize that unicorns don't exist. It's not that you don't want to see one anymore, you just know they're not real. I know that analogy is silly and childish but I'm feeling silly and childish right now so fuck off.

Maybe that's a bad analogy. The whole "unicorn" thing makes it sound like I believed there was someone out there who was perfect and when I met them everything would just click into place. I know people aren't perfect. I know that. I don't expect them to be. I don't even want them to be because how fucking boring would that be? You can't grow if you're perfect. And growth is the part that's beautiful, even when it's ugly. That's the part I love the best. So no, I wasn't looking for perfection. I was just looking for an imperfect person with kindness in their heart who harbored an undying desire to be better. Someone who valued me. Someone who valued me more than their old resentments, more than their fears, more than their addictions. I didn't want someone who had no resentments, fears, or addictions. Just someone who cared about me a little more than they cared about those things. See the difference? Because that's the place where growth happens. And obviously you don't need a relationship to grow. You just have to care about something more than the darker parts of yourself that you cling to. It doesn't have to be a person. But they're not mutually exclusive either. It could be both. It could be more than one thing. I guess I just wanted someone to grow with. Someone to share the process of finding things that mattered more than our darknesses. I can't find them. People just want to cling to their demons and use me to pad the blows they refuse to stop taking. I'm beat.