F.U.C.K.

You need to figure this out, and you need to have these conversations now before you sleep with anybody else.

Nobody else is going to pump the brakes in this situation because nobody else wants the brakes to get pumped. You can't just sit around dropping subtle hints and hoping people are going to pick up on them and then just going along with it when they don't.

Here's the ultimate test of how good you've gotten at communicating.

The thing is, he loves you, and he has loved you for years. Of course he's not going to pump the brakes. If you can't do this, and you know you can't, you need to tell him. He's not going to be able to just keep it chill and casual. He's going to get absolutely dizzy over you and you're going to feel trapped and freak out and it could literally ruin you guys' friendship. You need to stop sleeping with him. You need to backpedal somehow. You need to talk to him. I don't know how you're going to frame it exactly. Use your time on Wednesday with Ruth to talk about it, I really think she can help you figure out how to handle this.

Same with Ben. You need to majorly pump the brakes there. You can't be giving him the impression that you'll be over there hanging out and having sex. You won't be. You can't be doing that. You're just slipping right back into old habits if you do that. Because look at him, you hang out with him one time and suddenly he's asking you to come over all the time and texting you constantly throughout the day. You need to establish boundaries there and be really clear about where you're at and what he can and cannot expect from you. You genuinely want to be friends with him so you need to be clear and honest so that you're not being a shitty friend.

Fuck I wish this would all just go away and I didn't have to deal with it. Fucking Gabe. If he hadn't bailed none of this would have happened. I mean obviously it's not Gabe's fault, he didn't do this. I did. I just wouldn't have been in a position to do all this stupid shit and make all of these shitty judgement calls if he'd still been around.

It was kind of the opposite with him though, because in that situation he's the one who wanted to pump the brakes and I'm the one who didn't lol.

God why won't all of this just go away, I don't have the time or the energy to deal with any of it.

I'm so frustrated. You know who is like, literally the perfect guy for me. He's perfect. So why don't I feel that way. Why does the way I feel change all the time. I think part of it is that whenever I start to feel that way about him and venture into beyond-friendship mode, the strength of his feelings for me come out full force like a battering ram and scares me away and then I just want to be friends again. I know he doesn't do it on purpose but it's just too much. It's overwhelming and it makes me feel like I'm under a lot of pressure and my natural response to that is to just run and bail.

I know we've always said we can talk to each other about anything but I do not know how to approach this one. I have no fucking idea. All I know is that one way or another I need to try before it gets any worse.