I used to be overweight. Not completely, morbidly obese, but pretty darn overweight. From around the time I was 13 until now, at 22, with a couple exceptions when I lost weight, which I always gained back. I had horrible self esteem issues and I blamed all my problems on my weight. Somebody gave me a look at the library? They're thinking I'm fat. Somebody introduced me to their friend who didn't seem to like me very much right off the bat? It's because I'm fat. A guy I really like isn't into me back? It's because I'm fat. Everything related to human interaction, everything that went wrong, I blamed on my appearance. I was thinking 'woe is me,' but really what I was doing was just dumping all my faults and shortcomings into the one thing that I didn't expect to change, so that I wouldn't have to face my actual faults and shortcomings. I could just pass them off as something most likely completely unrelated to the reality of the situation, and avoid actually looking at myself. I always thought, if I was skinnier, that person would have liked me better. They'd have talked to me. If I was skinny, if I was beautiful, that guy would like me back. Those are the things I always thought, constantly, every minute of every day. If only I was skinny and beautiful my life would be perfect.
And now, I've grown up. I've lost a bunch of weight. A bunch. I'm in good shape. I look pretty good. I exercise, I eat pretty healthily, size 5 pants. I'm a good size now. Guys tell me I'm so sexy they can't believe it. They all love my ass. And he told me that he thought I was just. Beautiful. He thought I was just kind of amazingly beautiful. And yet... because of growing up thinking that way, when he doesn't want me, I still fall back into that pattern. Even though he thinks I'm beautiful, and I've lost all that weight, and I'm fit. He thinks I'm hot. And still, when he doesn't want me, I find myself thinking... if I was more beautiful, if I was more fit, he'd have liked me back. So I go to the gym like crazy, and I run myself raw, and I barely eat anything, and I do all this shit to get even hotter because I just have this stupid, stupid idea in my head from all this time that if a guy doesn't like me it's just because I'm fat and ugly, and I just have to get skinnier and prettier. And you know what? That's not the fucking problem this time, and getting skinnier or being prettier is not going to make him have feelings for me back. And I'm sickened that I'm even thinking along those lines because I know perfectly well that the chances of my ever even seeing him again in person are slim to none and that will only happen if by accident of us running into each other at High Rocks once it gets sunny or something like that, because honestly I don't want to ever fucking see him again but I'm not gonna stop going to High Rocks just because I'm afraid I'll run into him because it's my favorite spot and he can't have my damn favorite spot.
So I know that in all likelihood I'll never see him again. But I still find myself automatically doing this. Trying to eat less, exercise more, make myself look good. Because if I look better maybe he'll feel the same. Even though he won't even see me. Even though I don't even want him. He wants me. He's the one who said he just physically wants me right now. That won't stop him from being with someone else if he can't have me, but if I were an option I'd be the one he'd choose. But I'm not an option. So I need to stop thinking if I were skinnier, if I were prettier. Those are the kinds of things that make guys that don't care about you want to have sex with you. Well he's a guy who doesn't care about you, and he's already made it very very clear that he really really wants to have sex with you. So weight and prettiness obviously aren't the problem. The problem, the reason why you can't be with him, putting aside all the horrible shit that he's said and done to ruin any chance of that happening anyway, is that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore. No amount of skinny or pretty is going to change that. Stop tripping out and freaking out and just realize that. It's not your body he doesn't like it's your mind, or your personality, or your heart, or your soul, or something. It's who you are he doesn't like. And it's funny because fat girls always think skinny girls have it so easy, but the skinny pretty girls... they can't blame something like that on being fat. They can't blame it on how they look. When a guy doesn't want them, they know it's because he looked at who they are and he didn't give a fuck. And that's kind of worse, in a way.
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