Alone

I thought we could just be friends. I know it's going to take some time. If you had enough self control to act like just a friend I know I could do this, this only being your friend thing. Not to say it won't be hard... every time I've gone to hang out with you as just friends I've ended up crying the whole drive home and beyond. Not because you did anything to make me cry, just because of what I've lost.

I've been so tired, because I can't sleep. I cry myself to sleep every damn night, and it's worse when I'm alone instead of with Kerstin. I can't sleep. I lay down and I try, but my heart literally hurts so bad it feels like my ribcage is being crushed, and I can't sleep. And I think that it's too bad it's not a headache, so I can take midol, and it's too bad it's not a stomach ache, so I can take pepto, and it's too bad it's not cramps, so I can take ibuprofen. What can you do when you can't sleep because your broken heart hurts? Not really much of anything. Cry it out and wait until you're so physically and emotionally exhausted that your body can no longer support you being awake, and pray that you stay asleep for more than a few hours. And then do it all again.

Don't you see? I need this to get easier. I can't keep doing this. And when you say things like, 'we need to amend the rule that says you can't be in my bed anymore,' when you say it's because I just got back from zumba and my legs hurt and I need you to rub them for me, when you lay there looking so beautiful I can't stand it, looking like everything I ever wanted, asking me to lay down beside you... I want that so bad. But I can't. Because I NEED this to get easier. I can't just be your fuck buddy, or your  cuddle buddy, or whatever else to stave off the general loneliness either of us might feel. Because you are so much more to me than that, and now... feeling your touch, your presence, knowing that you're not mine, knowing that I can't have you... I'd rather be alone. Because that would kill me, right now. The world would end and noone would survive, least of all me.

I told you I didn't think laying down was a good idea. You said 'no it's ok,' as if I was saying that because I thought it wasn't okay with you. I was saying that because I think it's not a good idea. I can't take it. I can't get crushed anymore. Yanked around and crushed. And I said to you, 'you said you wanted to break up because you're happier alone, and if that's true then I don't understand why you're asking me to sleep here.' and you rolled away from me and mumbled that I was right and that you were sorry, and I was so tired I was staggering. and you just still looked so beautiful. I've never felt that before. Wanting someone so much and having them offer me exactly the thing I wanted so badly, and turning it down. Not even forcing myself to turn it down. Doing so because I genuinely could do nothing else. And then I said I was going to go and you looked so dejected and alone and I feel horrible about that but I know that it's not because you miss me or care about me, it's because you don't like being alone. I know it doesn't matter if it's me. But then I looked down at you and the words literally ripped through me, it's a miracle they didn't come out of my mouth. I LOVE YOU. It was like a gust of wind, a powerhouse tornado made up of those words, literally just blew threw me and left complete wreckage in its wake. Left me feeling empty. It hit me so hard, those words hit me so hard. More than they've ever done before. My soul screamed them so loud I felt them traveling through my body. And all I did was bend down, kiss your hair hard, and whisper, more to myself than to you, FUCK, I miss you. I didn't even mean to say it, it just came out. Better that than that I love you. I know you'd probably never want to be my friend if you knew I'd meant it. If you even believed me this time, which you probably wouldn't. Cried the whole way home. Cried cried cried. Cried myself to sleep. Woke up 2.5 hours later to try to get it off my chest. Here I am. I fucking hate this. I feel so alone.