I still.

This really fucking sucks. Just so you know. I mean, I tried so hard. I tried to tell you so many things and I tried to show you so many things, and now I'm the one who ends up getting screwed over, just because you didn't believe me. It's not my fault that you didn't believe me. I tried to tell you.

I told you I loved you. You didn't believe me. I told you that I honestly just wanted the truth, that I just wanted you to tell me what you wanted. That if you didn't want to be with me it was okay but that you needed to tell me that. I needed to know. You thought I was just saying that I wanted to know, but that I really didn't. Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

This is really starting to sink in now. Is that really what you want? Is that really all you are? I mean, you said I'm the best girlfriend you've ever had but that you're happier alone right now, but then you immediately put your okcupid profile back up, which means that you're just lying to me again. I don't know why I keep believing you. The thing is, this time I have no right to have a say in whether you're seeing anyone. We're just fucking friends now, and that's not my business anymore. But I mean, you lied to me as a boyfriend and now you're lying to me as a friend and I don't know why I keep bothering. I do want you in my life. You do matter to me a lot. But this isn't fucking fair. This is not fucking fair. I wish you'd just fucking let me leave before. Why couldn't you have just fucking let me leave. I would be okay right now if you had. I wouldn't be feeling like this. You didn't want me, didn't want me, didn't want me, over and over, and when I finally said okay I can't do this I'll just go, you begged me to come back, you physically made yourself sick because I said if there was an emergency and noone could come besides me you could still call me, just because I fucking love you whether you're shitty as fuck to me or not, and I wanted to know nothing would happen to you with noone to be there. So instead of realizing that that was a really hard thing for me to offer and the only reason I did is because I'm fucking in love with you and that you should take that seriously, you fucking create an emergency 2 or 3 days later, making yourself physically fucking sick, and then call me out on it and say it's an emergency and you can't even move your head and noone can come and guilting me into coming when you know I"m fucking broken and seeing you is the worst possible thing at that time, and you give me this shit about how I must never have cared at all and how you're so sick and the one person you want to see won't talk to you and blah blah blah, which was SUCH a fucking shitty thing to do to me. I told you you're the only one I wanted, I told you I'd pick you and only you in a second, I told you I fucking loved you. And you just didn't want to stop seeing other people, and when I finally was at the point where my heart was being ripped to shreds daily at the thought of you off with other girls, when I finally was at that point where you'd just broken my heart as much as I could take, I said I was gonna go because I was so fucked up. You had fucked me up so bad. And then after I finally got away, after I finally tried to take my heart back and heal it because you fucked it up so bad, you did that. You made me come back, calling in a promise that you knew I wouldn't break because I always keep my word to you. Always. And then you asked me to be your fucking girlfriend. And then you just started to slowly push me away and got more and more distant and cold towards me and I begged you to just tell me the truth and tell me if this wasn't what you wanted, and you didn't say a word, and then when you finally, FINALLY, tell me the truth, that this isn't waht you wanted, even though YOU are the one who made me come back and YOU are the one who asked me to be with you, you can't even have the nuts to admit you were wrong and made a mistake, and I gave you so many opportunities to tell the truth. And finally when the truth comes out all you have to say to me is that, you didn't know that I ACTUALLY wanted to hear the truth? I'm pretty sure that's all I was saying to you on the matter for 2 months. You used to complain that I never talked to you but why the fuck should I if you're not going to believe a god damn word I say anyway. All you do is fuck me up. You have fucked me up so bad. God fucking dammit. And you know what? I still love you.