Thinking about the past

My God. I've been going back, here, and reading all of these things that I'd written years and years ago about us. About you. And I'm sick.

I think I'm still really damaged from a lot of that, and I've pushed it aside so that it doesn't eat away at me. But when I read the things I wrote back then, I remember exactly the feeling I felt.

I remember the night when I hung out with a friend of mine and we worked on a song. We got pretty fucked up with his roommates, who were also friends of mine, and I couldn't drive home. He offered to let me crash with him in his bed, and I knew he wouldn't try anything. I trusted him. But I slept on the floor instead, because you were all I could think about, and I didn't want to be next to anybody else, even in a platonic way. I laid on the floor all night and just thought about your face, and it kept me warm.

The next morning you told me to come get my shit if I wanted any closure. You lashed out at me for staying there even though it would have been unsafe for me to leave. I told you that I'd slept on the floor and you said to me: "that makes sense, because trash belongs on the floor."

I remember the feeling. It was like a star dying in my ribcage, before the sonic boom had reached my ears. It was like floating in limbo, in that moment, waiting for an explosion that never came. I wanted to scream but there was no air in my lungs. I wanted to fall to the ground but my tendons were frozen. I wanted to drive my fingernails into my chest, and rip, tear, pull chunks of flesh from my ribcage, long strings of skin, pulsing muscle and fling them away from me. Just keep digging until I reached the place in my chest where the feeling was, so that it would have a way to escape my body. But I could do none of those things. I wished to stop existing.

You never told me you were sorry for saying those things. I think that is one of the most hurtful things that has ever been said to me. It had all the more power because of the depth of my love for you. Because I had laid on that floor all night just thinking about your eyes and your smile and how much I loved you. Because I couldn't think about anything else, at the time. You were everything.

I know it was a long time ago, when you treated me that way. And I know you've given me a general apology for treating me badly in the past, and I truly believe you would never treat me that way again. But I think that, I still need to tell you how it made me feel. I need to talk to you about that. If we're ever going to make something work again, on top of the other things we talk about, I think I need you to hear how that made me feel. I think I need to know why you did it. You told me that you didn't see any sort of relationship or future happening with me, but I was so kind to you. I loved you so much. That doesn't explain why you treated me the way you did. You never told me why. I need to know. I need to understand.