All the time in the world

There's this sense of immediacy, when you're young.
Every moment is on fire. Every moment matters.
Nothing is too dramatic. Nothing is too over the top.

It's because we haven't had that many things happen to us, yet.
And we don't realize how much being that way can take it out of you, over time.
It just makes me wonder what's the better way to be.

Because when you're young, you feel things so intensely, good and bad.

And it's like... once you get older, you've been hurt so many times, and been burned, and been heartbroken, that you just don't let yourself feel as deeply, so the lows aren't as low when they come.

Because you're just exhausted from hurting.

I just finished watching 'Keith' again and I realized I would never react how Natalie did. I wouldn't want to hold on with someone who was dying until the last moment. I wouldn't want that kind of pain. But she just, without thinking, said she wanted every second. Because it was romantic, and dramatic, and the kind of love you feel when you're a teenager.

When you're older, you just want to be safe.
You don't make grand gestures anymore.
You used to make them because you literally could do nothing else.
But now they feel like work, instead of like a necessity.
Now you've calmed down, slowed down.
You know what you have to give, without burning yourself down, and you don't offer any more than that to begin with because you don't want to promise what you'll just end up taking away.

It's kind of a relief, and it's kind of a disappointment.

I don't know what's the better way to be.

Maybe someday I will find new grand gestures inside myself.
But for now, I can wait.