Now what

I don't really know what to do or how I feel at this point.
The decisions I make right now are going to have a huge impact on what my future is going to look like, and I just wish I could peek into that future and know what to do.

I know that my friends all want me to move on and not be with him anymore.
I know they've all only seen the bad, because he's never been around so they haven't gotten a chance to know him. They only see the things that go wrong, and they only see it when I'm sad, so that's all they really know of our relationship.

I know that when I saw him last night, which was a few days after the procedure, I just felt... safe. For the first time since I heard the news I felt safe and like everything was going to be okay. And I realized there's no one else who can make me feel that way. There is no one else in my life I could have slept next to and held their hand and really felt safe and comfortable and like everything was going to be okay. That connection that we have is real.

The problem is that just because there's no one else I feel that way with, doesn't mean there never will be. I don't want to feel like I'm trying again because I'm settling and I'm afraid I won't find anything better. I just don't know how much things will really change and if I'm ready or willing or able to really try again. And if we really did try again and it just didn't work, not only would it break my heart, but could we both accept that? I'm really afraid that even if there was still a lot of ways that we just didn't gel, even after working out most of our issues, he wouldn't necessarily be able to accept that and feel at peace with it and move on.

I don't want to feel like we're stuck even if we can't work it out.

I do love him. I really do. I just don't know what to do and I don't want to spend years longer figuring it out just to find out that what I should have done is just walked away now, having lost all of that time with no way to get it back.

I wish I knew what the right thing to do was. I honestly have no idea. I know that I love him but I don't know if I would be happy with him for the rest of my life, because we're so different. I think that the lives that we want for ourselves in the future might be very different and I don't want either one of us to compromise something so major and end up unhappy and resentful and full of regrets. That's my biggest fear.

I just don't know.