Fuckity Fuck

Here I am again, talking to my own shadow. Talking to my reflection in the mirror. Craving a cigarette, thinking about that beer I left in the fridge, thinking I'm exhausted. Thinking I won't wake up in your bed tomorrow morning. Thinking about the last two mornings when I did wake up in your bed and drove home angrily wiping tears off my face. Angry with myself for crying. Frustrated with you for not telling me anything. You always assume I just know things without you having to say them. Don't your remember what I must have told you a million times? I always get in trouble when I assume things. Whenever I try to guess why someone is doing something, I always guess wrong. So I have stopped even trying to guess. So no, unless you tell me, I won't know why you won't hold me anymore. I won't know why, when I try to wrap my arms around you before I fall asleep, you take me by the wrist and physically move my arm off of you without saying a word. You always turn away from me. I was with you all last night and you barely even touched me. You just rested your arm on me for a few minutes while we were watching TV in your bed. You didn't even kiss me. And it's not that I feel like I can't make the first move, it's that I'm tired of being the only one who acts even remotely interested. It's just been the last week that you've been acting like this, and it doesn't make any sense, because if you weren't interested why would you keep asking me to come over every single night? Why do you ask if I'll come over every damn night and then proceed to act like you want nothing to do with me?

I don't understand. I don't know what's going on. You've seemed really distracted and depressed but when I ask you what's up you say nothing, or you say it's about the bankruptcy thing, but I feel like there's more to it than that, because you've been planning on doing all of that for a long time, it's not like it's this new depressing thing. Maybe filling out the paperwork makes it seem more real, and makes you think about a lot of things that might feel depressing, but I just feel like that's not all that it's about, and you won't talk to me. You never talk to me. I don't know how much of it, if anything, is about me, but it sure as hell feels like it.

I mean last night I fell asleep and I didn't even try to cuddle you, I just went to sleep, because I was so scared you were going to move me off of you and turn away again. You don't understand. That hurts me so bad when you do that. It physically makes my heart hurt. I just lay there wanting to cry and feeling so rejected and not understanding why you ask me to come sleep in your bed if you're just going to push me away and then turn and sleep facing the wall. I read somewhere once that the worst way to feel alone is being right next to the person you love and knowing you can't reach them, or something to that effect, and that's really true. I'd rather be sleeping alone in my bed than be sleeping next to you in yours knowing you don't want me to reach out and touch you. I just want to wrap an arm around you and run my fingers through your hair and kiss the back of your neck and smile into your shoulder before I fall asleep, but this whole week you've asked me over and then pushed me away. I don't know why you're rejecting me like this and it hurts. It also kind of pisses me off because how many literal hundreds of guys have expressed interest in me since I met you, I am talking literally hundreds, and yet I pick the only one who apparently doesn't give a fuck.

But I get this weird feeling that you do give a fuck. I just don't know what the hell is going on.

I woke up this morning to you getting out of bed. You used to stay in bed and cuddle me and hold me and kiss me. Sometimes we'd stay in bed for hours after we woke up just kissing each other. I remember one time we laid in your bed and just kissed until 4pm, and then looked at each other and mutually expressed amazement over the fact that neither of us was bored (you said that first, and I agreed with you; you didn't seem like you believed me but I felt the same way). But this morning, you woke up and immediately got out of bed, didn't even hug me or give me a good morning kiss, and went and sat at your laptop and started fucking around. And I stayed in bed for a good half an hour just hoping you'd come back and hold me, but you didn't. And because you've pushed me away the last week I wasn't going to reach out to you; if you don't want to be close to me you don't want to be close to me, and trying to force it will only make you want me further from you than you already seem to. And then I just kind of realized I wasn't wanted and I got up and got dressed, and I stood there and looked at you for a second and then I just kind of said bye and left. And I've never just left without hugging you or kissing you or anything. I just dressed and walked out, and you just kind of called after me Are you leaving? And I said yeah, bye, and that was that. And then I fucking started crying as I was walking out the backdoor. Because where the fuck did this giant wall come from? Where the fuck did this giant fucking ocean come from that's suddenly between us? What's it about? What is on your mind. What is going on that has you acting so weird. I don't think it's a chick, it doesn't have that feel to it. It feels like something really heavy, something that's weighing on your soul, but I don't know what. And I'm torn because I feel so abandoned by you that I just want to do what I always do when I'm not wanted which is get the fuck out of there before I make a bigger ass of myself than I already have by putting myself out there and being rejected. But I also feel like, if this really ISN'T about me, the way you've been acting around me, then maybe I'm still one of your best friends, and if I am, I don't want to abandon you if something really fucked up is going on and you need me.

But I can't do anything if you won't talk to me, and I'm so lost.

I fucking love you. I do. I fucking love you. You met my best friend like 2 months after we started hanging out, I went to the bar with the two of you, and then I went into the bathroom drunk and took forever and you guys had a conversation while I was gone, and she would never tell me what you said because she said you asked her not to. But she did tell me she asked how you felt about me. And finally after I told her I loved you she was willing to tell me what you said. She said that you said that you knew I'd just gotten out of a long relationship so you didn't want to have feelings for me or try to jump into a relationship because you knew that's not what I needed or wanted, but that you were having to try really hard not to fall in love with me. That you were falling in love with me. And that was two months ago. So what the hell is going on? God dammit I am so confused, I am so lost, I don't know why you're doing this. I wanted to tell you I love you. I was going to tell you. But now I can't because you've been acting so weird and it doesn't feel safe. I don't know what to do. I fucking hurt. It fucking hurts me. What is going on. I feel like you're intentionally shutting me out of your life, out of your heart, out of your mind, and I don't know if it's because I did something wrong or because you don't like me anymore or if it's because you did something you're ashamed of or if it's because something just really fucked up is going on in your life that's totally fucked you up and you're too scared to tell me about it or you don't feel like you can talk to anybody about it not just me. Those are all possibilities. I just wish I knew because I know whatever this is is not about me, even if it's about me for you it's not about me for me. I know how I feel about you, I know I want to be around you, that's not the issue from this end. I know it's selfish to assume it's about me for you when it could be something completely different and I should be trying to support you, but I'm just so scared that you'd tell me you don't want me anymore. And I'm also scared to push the point, to push asking you what's wrong, because I'm afraid you'll push me even farther away if you feel like I'm trying to force my way in when you're not ready or wanting or able to tell me what's up.

I just don't know what to do. I'm kind of fucked up right now. I just wish you would hold me and tell me you loved me.