On love

Another thing I want to say quickly is that I don't say any of this because I don't want to stress you out. I realize that my feelings are my own. Just because I love you doesn't mean you owe me anything. I really am not one of those people who thinks that it does. I'm the one that fell in love with you, it was me, it was my choice (or eventual somewhat-grudging acceptance, as the case may have partially been).

You can control who falls in love with you even less than you can control who you fall in love with. These are my feelings, not yours, and you owe me nothing because of them. You're clearly already really stressed out, no matter what the reason is, and me freaking out and ranting about all that stuff I just said and demanding or begging for answers or whatever is just going to stress you out more. That would be selfish. That would be saying I love you and then being willing to make you even more stressed out to ease my own stress, in the name of said love, which is a crock.

When I say I love you I mean I love you, not I love loving you, not I love the idea of somebody loving me back. I just mean I love you. So I can seem utterly unconcerned, totally at ease, what have you, everything's normal, and then walk out the door crying once you can't see or hear me and get through the day in a fog like someone wrang out my heart like a wash cloth and then shoved it back into my chest. But you would never know. Because I'm not going to put that on you. It was my decision, as much as you can call falling in love a decision. I'll just be waiting I guess, in case you ever decide to tell me what's the matter. You know you can trust me. I'm already a pretty goddamn trustworthy person, but the fact that I'm in love with you literally means I would battle a fucking army for you. I'm just like that when I'm in love with someone. I mean, that salmon dinner you ate tonight? That was my dinner for tonight. I ate partially-cooked ramen for dinner after a long ass miserable shift at work today so that you could have that dinner, when you already have my food card with 200 dollars on it, because I knew that food card or no food card you still wouldn't have anything to eat tonight because you just wouldn't have gone food shopping. That's how I'm like when I love you. So you can kind of trust me by default, because I'd do any stupid thing for you. Like going out at 1am and buying you cookies and odwalla juice because you felt like them. I'd do any stupid thing for you. I wouldn't ever fucking judge you. I'd fucking take down anybody who tried to make you feel bad, who judged you. I'd protect you from anything or anyone, most of all from myself. But you don't know that I guess.