Help Me

Dammit. I don't know what to do. I don't know how you feel. I don't know how well you hide it. I don't know who you are. Not really. Not enough to weave silence into words.

There's lots of ways to feel close with another person. To feel connected. I've experienced so many of them and I'm sure there's millions more that I haven't even thought of. But there are certain ways, there are certain moments, in which I feel closer to you than I've ever felt to anyone in my life. And I don't even know who you are, and I don't even feel as if I can tell you about them. I don't even know why that closeness exists; I don't know where it came from, or what it means. I don't know you. I know that you feel it, but I don't know if you feel it, the same way that I feel it. As much as I feel it.

There are silences after those moments, silences that used to be comfortable and now are almost painful, because those silences didn't used to need to be filled. And now, I want to fill the silence, I have a fierce need to fill it, fill it with something simple and right and perfect- and laying there in a silent bubble I feel alone and agonizingly helpless. I mouth those words while you lay there, feeling my heart twist inside me, feeling that feeling you get before your eyes start to burn. I mouth them while you lay there, right in front of your face, over and over, praying you'll open your eyes and see, hoping you won't. Can't you see, can't you see, can't you see. Can't you see the way I look at you. Can't you feel the feeling in the way I hold you, in the way I tuck you in in the middle of the night, pulling the covers over your feet, your legs, your stomach and your back and your shoulders. Smoothing them down again, rubbing them lightly back and forth over you to try to warm you up, because it got cold in the night and I don't ever want you to be too cold. Not when I can warm you up. Can't you feel the feeling in the way I kiss the back of your neck, and I don't know how much longer I can stop myself from screaming the words, screaming the feeling out of me, I love you.

I love you.

I want to fill those silences, because now I have something I need to fill them with. It's not enough to just hope you'll understand, because you never do. And I understand that because I never do either. I never infer. I never connect deed to feeling in my head, afraid I'll connect them wrong.

I feel crazy. I feel right and I feel wrong and I feel completely and hopelessly lost. I want to tell you. I need to tell you. Every one of those nights that passes, every one of those silences, wrecks me further. But I don't know what you'll say. I don't know if you'll reject me. I don't know if it will ruin everything. God, I love you. I love you. Please.

And I don't even know what I need.

Help me.