My life

I'm a little frustrated, I'll admit it. I'll ask you if we can talk about it soon, but right now you're asleep so all I can do is talk about it on here. I feel like you keep yourself as separate from the rest of my life as you possibly can. I'm not really sure if you do it to keep your distance from me, or if you just have social anxiety, or what it is, but it really feels like that.

I spend so much time with you, and we may not be technically dating but if you take away any and all labels on you and me, with the amount of time we spend together and the way we are together, that's basically what it is. And I feel like this huge chunk of my life right now is the time I spend with you, but it's completely and totally cut off from the rest of my life.

When I'm seeing someone (call it what you want), I like to be able to spend one on one time with them, but I like to be able to hang out with them with my friends or with their friends too. I don't like having them a completely isolated part of my existence. I want to know you. I want to know your friends. I want to be part of your life and not this like... shut off, locked away, secret that you keep from everyone that knows you. And that's really how it feels. Besides your roommates, I'm completely cut off from the rest of your life and the people in it.

And I want you to know me too. I want you to get to know my friends and spend time with us. I want you to be a part of my actual life, not just this separate existence that we've created between the two of us. I don't know why it's like that. I don't want it to be like that. But every time I invite you over to have dinner at my house with my friends, or every time I invite you to go out and get a drink with us, or anything, you always either turn me down flat, or you agree and then bail on me at the last second.

I really don't know why you do it. Are you just trying to keep yourself from getting too involved with me? News flash: you're involved. You are already involved just by the sheer amount of time you spend with me, and by how close you've already allowed us to get (I've allowed us to get close too, but if you're the one trying to stop us from getting too close you haven't done much of a job with the effort). I don't know what you're doing. Are you trying to keep our lives totally separate so it's easier to not see each other again if that happens? Are you just nervous and/or scared to meet people I love? I don't know why, but I can't do it like this. This doesn't work for me. I don't know what to do about it.

I'm sorry but you can't just have the best of both worlds, which is to have me around when it's convenient without having to actually get to know each other. I want to know you. I really want to know you and I really want you to know me. You say I don't communicate well and I put up walls but you don't make any effort and you put up walls too. I'm not the only one who has something they need to work on, but I also feel like I'm the only one of the two of us who cares about us, whatever -we- may be, to actually make an effort to work on those things. It's just really frustrating. I'm at such a loss. It fucking hurts.