I thought I was falling

I don't think I'm ready to be in love. I think I'm fighting it as hard as I can, and I'm avoiding it, and sometimes I'm even allowing you to believe that you're the only one who feels certain things, so that maybe you'll take a step back, so that I'll have to take a step back too. I'm trying so hard to protect myself because I know I'm not ready for that. I thought I was falling in love with you for the longest time. And now. I love you.

I love you.

You told me about something that hurt you when you were a kid. About having a parent that was too hard on you about the thing that you loved the most, and how it hurt you, even though you were great. You told me how there were soccer games where you'd walk off the field in tears because you messed up a pass and he'd thrown up his hands and walked away. That would be so hurtful to anyone, especially a small kid. And it's funny because that was actually the moment, last night, where I realized I am in love with you and I can't deny it to myself any longer.

Because when you said that, it did something to me. It hurt me so much thinking of you hurting, and feeling like you weren't good enough, kid you, now you, any you. I just wanted so fucking strongly to be able to go back in time to those games where you walked off the field crying and your dad was gone because he thought you hadn't played well enough, and I just wanted to pick little kid you up and wipe away your tears and hug you tight and tell you that I think you played wonderfully, and I think you're so talented and I think you're great, you're the best ever. That you're exactly perfect just as you are and that I'm so proud of you and always will be. And just hug you until you stop crying, hug you until you maybe even give me a little bit of a smile. Because I don't ever want you to hurt like that. I don't ever want you to think you're not good enough. Because I think you're exactly great just exactly the way that you are, and I am so proud of you just for being you because I think you're wonderful. And because I love you.

God. I love you, I love you, I love you.

It's so hard not to accidentally say it out loud sometimes. I've almost slipped a number of times already. It's so good to finally admit it to myself and stop fucking denying everything out of fear. God it feels good even to type the words. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.