Rambly thoughts

Thinking about a random topic so I might as well pop off about it since nobody reads this. Also thank God nobody reads this, I just like having a diary on the cloud.

I was watching Parks and Rec, and it's the episode where Tom gets divorced so they go to the strip club. Ron says something about how he's not into strip clubs but he loves the buffet. And I was thinking, the next dude I date is going to be like that.

Probably not for obvious reasons. I have no problem with strippers, with stripping, with somebody I'm dating finding someone else attractive (I mean... fucking duh, that's going to happen. There's a lot of hot people in the world). It's just that 2/3 of my best girl friends that I've had in my life were strippers, and neither of them were happy. They would call me and ask me to come keep them company and grab a drink when things were slow at work, and some gross fuck would be creeping on them and they'd be like, smiling and pretending to be into it, and I knew in the real world they'd be telling him to fuck the hell off. And I just wanted to punch those fucking guys in their gross ass faces and tell them to get the fuck away from my girl.

The thing is, I don't really think stripping is anti-feminist and I don't think it's feminist. I don't think there's anything black or white about it as an institution itself. I think whether or not stripping is a feminist action is different for everyone who does it and just depends on whether or not it personally makes them feel empowered. For some women I know that it does, and if that's the case then fuck yeah. It's just that I have personal experience with women who it made them feel the opposite, and I love them so much and anything that makes them feel small just fills me with inexplicable rage and I want to rip it apart with my bare fingernails.

I guess my problem is, if I went to a strip club and there were 50 dancers there, and 49 of them felt empowered as fuck but one of them felt small, I wouldn't want to be there. I wouldn't want to contribute in any way to the way that one girl was feeling. Even if it made the 49 others feel better, it wouldn't be a good trade to me. There's nothing that makes me more upset or uncomfortable than making someone else feel small. I've lived my entire life trying to do the opposite when I meet people. I'm not saying "oh I'm so fucking great look at me." I've hurt tons of people and I've fucked up more than I probably even know. But I try, and I care, at least.

When I think about how I want to date a guy who doesn't like going to the strip club, all I'm saying is that I want to date someone who's like that too. Someone who's really aware of other people and where they're at and how they're feeling. So many people are just fucking clueless and don't even notice. I want someone who actually has emotional intelligence and a heart and doesn't want to go either because he can feel that one girl who feels small and it makes it hard for him to get a boner. That's the kind of person I want.

Like I said it's hard for me to reconcile that with my belief that women can do whatever the fuck they want with their own bodies and make whatever choices they want and I fully support them. I have no judgements about people who strip, seriously. It's a totally valid job and skill and I would punch anyone who looked down on strippers in the face.

I guess that's all a contradiction. I'll figure it out later.

Forgetting

I'm scared, dammit. Four months isn't that long. I'm not ready.
You might not even be there. God, I would feel so stupid if you weren't even there.

I hate this. I hate that it never went away. It's been almost 20 years and it just never went away.
It makes me wonder what kind of heart I have. It found something and it never let it go. It let everything else in the world go except for this one thing. It still reminds me when I dream at night, just when I've finally almost forgotten. I'll go to sleep, and there you are. I wish it would let me forget altogether. That would be better for me.

I fell in love with you when I was 10 years old and I've never loved anybody like that since.

I've loved. I've loved so much I thought it would burn me up. I thought I was being born again out of the ashes like a myth. I've loved so deeply and so completely. But this, you, are just the one that never went away.

If a stranger told me they felt this way, or if I read it in a book, I might even think it was creepy. Good god, I'd think to myself, you don't even know this person. You haven't known anything about them since you were children. What's wrong with you? You need to get a grip on yourself. It's ridiculous to romanticize a person that you don't even know anymore this way! You're just running away from life and this is a convenient excuse to help you do it because nothing will ever come of it, so you can just keep on living in a fantasy land instead of learning that the person you idolize is human just like everybody else. You only still feel this way because you never knew them well enough for them to have a chance to disappoint you.

That's what I'd think.
I'd think it was pathetic.

I wish it wasn't still living inside of me. These dreams make me ache with sadness, with the feeling that something is so deeply missing.

You were the first, and even if I never see you again, you'll likely be the last. Even if you're not real. Even if I just invented you in my head and projected you onto the first person who showed a little bit of kindness. I guess there's no way for me to know.

Let it all out, it's therapeutic, damnit

I don't really know what I'm doing right now.

I feel like I've just kind of floated through the last four weeks, avoiding life.

I know in the grand scheme of a life, a romantic relationship is pretty small. It's just one thing, and not everyone even has one.

It just feels weird being where I'm at, I guess.

I haven't talked to Ben in at least 2 months, maybe more. I was initially hoping he wouldn't write to me at all. It seems like every time we've stopped talking in the past, he'll completely leave me alone. But as soon as he decides he wants to reestablish contact, he goes after it like he's possessed. Once I get that first point of contact from him, it immediately turns into a deluge. That's why I was stressed out when he texted me three weeks ago letting me know that he was really busy but that he wanted to talk. I just expected it to turn into a storm, again, and I didn't want to talk yet. I didn't know if I wanted to talk at all. I still don't. But he hasn't written again, at least not yet. I'm not sure if it's better to just let it drift away than to talk about it, but I don't really feel ready to talk about it. I don't know what to say. I'm tired of the way he tries to micro manage everything that I do. It's dehumanizing and exhausting and infuriating all at the same time. I'm not even going to say "I don't want to." It's that I absolutely refuse to live a life where I'm in fear that if I don't stir my coffee quietly enough I'll get cussed out and spend weeks waiting for an apology, or at least some acknowledgement that the reaction was inappropriate, that won't ever come. It's bullshit and I'm not going to live that way. And when I say that, I don't mean "I need him to never do that to me again." I mean, "he is going to do that again and so I am not willing to be around him anymore."

He really believes that he cares about me, even when he's that person. I guess that's what's leaving me feeling so over trying to build something with another person. If someone can genuinely think they care about you and that they're trying, and still make your life so miserable, what then? I don't know if it's even worth it to try, with anyone, anymore. And it's kind of sad because when I'm with someone, whether it's long term or it's a new thing, there's this kind of spark and sparkle to everyday things. Even to bland things. Everything seems a little more alive. And that spark's kind of dead in me right now. It's not that being single kills the spark. It's more like... having no faith in relationships anymore kills it. I don't want to meet anyone else, and I don't want to be with him. I just kind of firmly believe at this point in time that anyone I try to be with is just going to take advantage of me, not appreciate me, try to change me, and just in general make my life more difficult and kind of kill my sense of self. It's not being alone that's dragging me down. It's believing that.

It just seems like everyone lets me down when I try to be with them, whether it's casual or serious. And I don't mean to suggest I'm this perfect person who never disappoints anyone or lets anyone down. I am, I have been, and I do, sometimes. But I care. I try not to. And when I feel like I've done something like that, let someone down, wronged them, or more importantly when someone else tells me I have, I spend a lot of time thinking about the situation and my behavior and I do my best to identify the problems in myself that led to my behaving wrongly, and to change those things. Apologies mean less than nothing if they're not accompanied by a conscious behavioral change. I just haven't seen that from anyone that I've tried to be with in so long, and I'm so tired. It seems like almost everyone I've ever been with has tried to change me, has tried to make me into someone like them, has complained about me more than they've lifted me up, and at the same time has professed to love or care about me deeply. It's hard to believe there's anything else out there. There are so many ways to let someone down, too. Ben never gave up on me, but he treated me like dirt so many times even if he didn't actually leave for good. Gabe treated me really well for the short time I hung out with him but then he disappeared with no explanation. Dylan never defended me when his friends were dicks, got drunk and told me he loved me way too early into us hanging out, and then panicked and ghosted me. Alden acted like he really liked me but then got back together with his ex out of nowhere and still made out with me afterwards one time, and to this day when I see him he hugs me for way too long and makes "I'm a sad boy" noises and tells me he misses me. Matt seemed to like me but without him actually saying it it seemed pretty clear he didn't want anything serious, which was fine with me because I didn't either at the time. But when I got back together with my ex, he still messaged me every few months for years to check in on me, and when I finally agreed to meet up and catch up he bailed on me two times in a row at the very last second because he can't stop himself from getting too drunk to not let people down, apparently. Jacob repeatedly instigated stuff with me and then when it blew up in our faces went around suggesting that we were equally at fault, when he was the one who was always pushing everything that happened between us, and always when I was drunk. I don't feel like he took advantage of me intentionally, but I don't see it as being equally our fault when he was the one who suggested that he'd broken up with his girlfriend when he hadn't yet, and he leaned in and kissed me without asking. I know I kissed him back but I didn't know he hadn't broken up with his girlfriend yet, and I was even on the fence about it in the first place. I guess I don't need to go any further back than that. It's just... do you see what I mean? That's not even that far back, that's just the last few years. And the only reason it's not a longer list of guys doing stupid things and upsetting me is because I spent so much of it letting Ben be the sole Person In Charge Of Letting Me Down.

I don't want to be alone. I guess that's the truth of the matter. I love love. I love crushes. I love connecting with someone on a different level than you connect with other people. I love getting to know someone so well. I love that feeling. I don't want to be alone. But I don't really believe in this anymore. I think that's why I'm so depressed right now. It's like growing up believing in unicorns, and you think you find one and then it turns out it's just a horse with a stick glued to its forehead. But you think, maybe the next one, maybe I'll find one. And then one day you just kind of realize that unicorns don't exist. It's not that you don't want to see one anymore, you just know they're not real. I know that analogy is silly and childish but I'm feeling silly and childish right now so fuck off.

Maybe that's a bad analogy. The whole "unicorn" thing makes it sound like I believed there was someone out there who was perfect and when I met them everything would just click into place. I know people aren't perfect. I know that. I don't expect them to be. I don't even want them to be because how fucking boring would that be? You can't grow if you're perfect. And growth is the part that's beautiful, even when it's ugly. That's the part I love the best. So no, I wasn't looking for perfection. I was just looking for an imperfect person with kindness in their heart who harbored an undying desire to be better. Someone who valued me. Someone who valued me more than their old resentments, more than their fears, more than their addictions. I didn't want someone who had no resentments, fears, or addictions. Just someone who cared about me a little more than they cared about those things. See the difference? Because that's the place where growth happens. And obviously you don't need a relationship to grow. You just have to care about something more than the darker parts of yourself that you cling to. It doesn't have to be a person. But they're not mutually exclusive either. It could be both. It could be more than one thing. I guess I just wanted someone to grow with. Someone to share the process of finding things that mattered more than our darknesses. I can't find them. People just want to cling to their demons and use me to pad the blows they refuse to stop taking. I'm beat.

So long

The first time I saw you, it felt warm. Something about you seemed so good, and so open, and when you smiled I didn't smile back to be polite. I smiled because it seemed like a really natural thing to do around you.

You'll be gone in a week or so and I won't be seeing you anymore. That makes me feel sad. I wish I could tell you how I feel but I can't, because you have someone.

I couldn't tell you before you found someone, even aside from the fact that I had an off and on thing with someone else, because I didn't want to make things weird. We saw each other at school almost every day and shared the same friends, and if you didn't see me that way it would have made things really uncomfortable. I didn't want to put myself or you in that position. But I always thought, maybe, maybe right before you leave I can tell you. That way, even if you're not even remotely interested, at least I'd have gotten it off my chest.

But now you're with someone and I can't tell you.

I feel just kind of glum and melancholy about it. It doesn't make me feel happy when I see you anymore because you're kind of already gone. I really wish I could have told you.

I'll miss you. I'll be fine, I know. But it's just kind of bumming me out.

So many times I've been near you and just been focused on hiding it, covering it up, making sure noone could tell. I did a damn good job of that, clearly. Way to go, me.

Daydreams won't help me. I've got to just deal with it. Not every 'what if' gets an answer.

If you're out there

I wish I wasn't so confused about everything. I just get so frustrated. There's the whole thing with Ben, and I know. I know I wouldn't be happy if we got married. I'd be fucking miserable. It's like there's this part of me that already knows deep down that it's not going to work and now I'm just kind of skating by while I wait for the rest of me to catch up.

And then there's Jacob, who's serially someone's boyfriend and 9 times out of 10 his girlfriends feel threatened by me, so I don't ever even get to see him for months on end. And as great of a guy as he is, I know we're better off as just friends. I don't see that being right either. He just needs someone more positive than me. More wholesome? Christian? I'm not sure. Maybe that's not right, maybe it's me. Maybe I need someone who's less like that.

There's Gabe. Who I honestly really liked. That one hurt, I'm not going to lie. I don't know why he flipped out and disappeared. It's not like I wanted to marry the fucking guy. I just liked him. I liked being around him. It made me feel happy, and life has been so difficult and complicated lately that I hadn't felt that kind of simple, easy happiness in a really long time. So all in all that was pretty lame.

Then there's thyme, who has no fucking clue that I've had this weird crush on him for two years. How would he, I barely even speak to him because he has someone and I basically do too, and let's be honest I'd be awkward anyway because I'm like that. I had this weird dream about him last night where he and his girlfriend broke up, and I was at his house with all of these people there. I didn't want to make our friendship seem insincere so I didn't tell him how I felt, and then he got swooped up by another girl. Even in my dreams I can't shoot my shot.

And it's just like. Like there's this parade of people who come into my life and go back out again, and none of them stick. None of them are right. Some of them leave, and the ones who stay just end up losing their shine, and then I end up being the one to leave. Sometimes I wonder if true love is just a farce. If the bloom ever stays on the roses. If there's anyone out there who's really right for me or if life is just about making compromises and settling.

If they're out there, I sure as shit don't know who they are.

One Love

To Zach.

There were so many things that I never told you. I always thought that I would have the time.
I fell in love with you when I was fourteen years old. Some people might say that's too young to know what love is. Now, approaching thirty, I still hold that it was one of the truest, purest feelings I've ever known.
I remember how the sun followed you wherever you went; the air became springtime. Darkness turned to light in my heart. I remember how I felt alive, being near you. I knew that you had an addiction even then, even as kids, but you were so much more than that. You had such a powerful spirit. I thought it was bigger than any battle it was fighting.
I like to remember you sitting under a cherry tree playing Bob Dylan tunes on your acoustic guitar. We listened to punk rock but for some reason we both just loved that Live 1975 Dylan album. You loved poetry and lyricism. Half of the time you spoke in it without seeming to notice.
I fell in love with you and you were like the sun.
You moved away, back to Chicago, when I was 15 years old. It broke my heart like it had never been broken before. I retreated into myself, hiding in my room and only coming out to practice with my band, my lyrics getting more and more lost and angry. I wrote you letters every day. I never sent any of them. I kept a calendar on the wall where I counted the days since you'd left. I counted for a year, day by day. I listened to Leftover Crack and Bob Dylan. I waited. I sat on the floor and drew on my converse with sharpie. I might have done nothing but rock back and forth, a time or two.
But all of that's behind us now. We grew up, and we grew apart. And then, three days ago I ran into you downtown by the university. What were the chances in a city of millions of people? There you were. We stopped. We talked, and caught up. You said you were about to graduate with your degree in Philosophy. You always had loved wondering about the world. I hugged you, and I wanted to hold on longer but you started to let go, so I did the same. You asked for my phone number and sent me pictures of your guitar. You said you wanted to hang out and play some folk tunes. I said I would like that. It wasn't a nicety; I meant it.
But you died today.
When I had to pass along the news to others, they asked me: "But didn't you just see him last week?"
That's the thing about dying. You're alive right up until you do it.

I knew about the heroin, knew all the way back in high school. It was so foreign to me then. Death was foreign to me then. It's not so much, anymore. Zach, I hope there's a place where you still exist. Where the fundamentals of your soul are still together, in one piece. I hope there's a place where I can find you again. I hope there's a cherry tree in the sky where we can sit and sing folk songs together in our crappy patched punk clothes, because neither one of us ever cared if people thought our folk music was cheesy. We just liked it. We liked being alive together and noticing the things that were beautiful. We just liked noticing things that made us happy. Thank you for always being one of them, for me. I plan on seeing you again, so wait for me til then. One love.

All the time in the world

There's this sense of immediacy, when you're young.
Every moment is on fire. Every moment matters.
Nothing is too dramatic. Nothing is too over the top.

It's because we haven't had that many things happen to us, yet.
And we don't realize how much being that way can take it out of you, over time.
It just makes me wonder what's the better way to be.

Because when you're young, you feel things so intensely, good and bad.

And it's like... once you get older, you've been hurt so many times, and been burned, and been heartbroken, that you just don't let yourself feel as deeply, so the lows aren't as low when they come.

Because you're just exhausted from hurting.

I just finished watching 'Keith' again and I realized I would never react how Natalie did. I wouldn't want to hold on with someone who was dying until the last moment. I wouldn't want that kind of pain. But she just, without thinking, said she wanted every second. Because it was romantic, and dramatic, and the kind of love you feel when you're a teenager.

When you're older, you just want to be safe.
You don't make grand gestures anymore.
You used to make them because you literally could do nothing else.
But now they feel like work, instead of like a necessity.
Now you've calmed down, slowed down.
You know what you have to give, without burning yourself down, and you don't offer any more than that to begin with because you don't want to promise what you'll just end up taking away.

It's kind of a relief, and it's kind of a disappointment.

I don't know what's the better way to be.

Maybe someday I will find new grand gestures inside myself.
But for now, I can wait.