Fuck.

Why. Why now. Do you have any idea, any idea at all, how long I waited for you to look at me like that. I knew you could. I knew it was hidden away. I thought you didn't feel it. Maybe you didn't. And now, after all of this. All the hurtful words, all the times you couldn't care less, all the times you couldn't be bothered. All the times your eyes skirted me and wouldn't just look at me. Here I am. Right fucking here in front of you. Look at me. LOOK at me. Where are you. You're a thousand miles away. And now, after all of that, after saying you didn't care about me anymore, after saying all it was was sex, after saying you weren't even my friend. Now. Why now. Why

We walk back from the bar. You put your arm around me, I lean my head on your shoulder, standing there, your arm tightens, I finish my cigarette. Go back to your room, lay down. You hold me so tight, as tight as you can. You look at me, your eyes sparkle. They sparkle. You look nervous and excited and alive. You kiss me, not for any reason. Not trying to have sex. Just because you want to kiss me. You never do that. You kiss me again. You roll over on top of me and kiss me again and again and again. I open my eyes and there it is. There it is right there. I waited for that for ten months and there it is. You're smiling. Not that 'mouth slightly quirked because youre trying to stop yourself from smiling' smile. Not the 'one of us just said something funny' smile. Not any kind of smile that I've seen. You're just looking at me. And there's this big, beautiful smile on your face, and you're not trying to hide it, and you're not trying to stop yourself from doing it, and your eyes are just shining, and there it is. There's the smile. I meet your eyes and you exhale in a little huff, smile more and look down. Kind of embarrassed but still smiling. You look so happy. To be there with me.

Two o clock in the morning comes. You're still kissing me. Still smiling. You pull back and you say, "let's go on an adventure!" Your eyes sparkle. I say really? You say yes really. I say well, what kind of adventure? You look at me with those brilliant, happy, shining eyes, and that big smile and you say "I'll go anywhere you want to go." You say it softly, with this little smile on your face, that almost makes it seem like there's two meanings to the words. I smile and you kiss me again, and neither of us can stop because we keep telling each other 'you get up first, no you, no you.' You kiss me again and I roll over on top of you and laugh delightedly and kiss you again and again and again, saying 'get up! get up! get up!' in between kisses, and you smile even wider and you laugh and kiss me some more. We decide to go to the hill in sellwood. I say we have to bring champagne because it's tradition, and you say we don't have any champagne but you have beer and we can pretend its champagne. You get it out of the fridge and make a big show of gentlemanly offering me my 'champagne.' We drive down there at two in the morning and sit together, drinking our champagne beer and watching the city. Wondering where different red lights are at, and what are those slow yellow lights over there, and why is the sky so pink. You didn't care where you went at two o clock in the morning, you had said, you would go anywhere with me.

Why are you smiling at me now. I waited so fucking long. I will not love you. I will not love you. I will not love you. I will not.