I'm just starting to realize it. I have been so fucking selfish. All this time, I thought I was being selfless, loving, true. I've just been so fucking selfish this entire time. And I'm sorry. And I need to tell you that. At some point, I need to get brave enough to tell you that I know, and that I'm sorry.
You told me when you first met that you weren't looking for a relationship. And then later, as things got a little more intense, you got into more detail. You told me that you're not looking for one more time of falling in love, fucking around, and then losing out. You told me that you're at a point in your life where you're kind of playing for keeps. Like you're thinking, the next time you fall in love, it's going to be for good. That's going to be the person, probably the person you marry. The one you want to be with, not just kill time with for a while.
And I guess I heard those words, but I must have thought I knew what you needed better than you did. Not intentionally, not consciously. But I must have thought that. I must have thought... maybe that's not true. Maybe I really am right for you. Maybe you just haven't been treated right by all the people you've been with. The things you've told me, the experiences, the stories... it sounds like you haven't really been treated right by the right person. And I guess I just thought... maybe you're tired of fucking around because fucking around is all it's really been, no matter how much you may have wanted more than that. That's all anyone really gave you back. And I guess I just thought... I could be different. I could be the one who shows you different. I could be the one that shows you that there's a whole nother place, where you're safe, and everything is peaceful, and light, and happy, and beautiful. And even if I couldn't keep you, I just wanted to go there with you. Because I think you're capable of going there, and maybe the people you've really tried to give your heart to, haven't been capable of it, at least at that point in time. I really thought I could be that person. I really believed that so strongly. And because of that.... I guess that in itself is thinking that I knew better than you. Thinking that you just didn't know what you needed because you didn't know what you were missing. But that's not right. That's not fair. How could I know what you want and what you need and what's best for you better than you do... that wasn't fair of me. I should have just listened to you. Because really... if that was my subconscious analysis... it might have even been right. But it doesn't matter. Because your life and your decisions are up to you, and nobody else. And I should have listened, and heard, and respected that.
And then suddenly I loved you. I honestly never knew that would happen. I never expected it. Remember when we first met? I told you I was meeting up with tons of different dudes for beer or coffee or whatever, and you wanted me to add you to that list of guys I was meeting up with. That was true. I was doing that. But I didn't tell you why. The reason was because my heart was broken, and I was just trying to distract myself by keeping as busy with a million random guys as possible, hoping that if I hung out with random people enough, I'd stop thinking about the one guy I really wanted to be hanging out with. That was the only reason. That's why I met up with you. That's why I met up with all of them. You were just supposed to be a temporary distraction. That's all you were gonna be. That's all I thought of you as. I wasn't supposed to care about you. I was just supposed to use you to forget and then I was going to just go away. And that was it. That was all. I never expected, never thought, never in a million years imagined that I would start valuing you for who you are, and not just as a tool to numb the hurt I was feeling. That's all any of them were supposed to be, including you. And something just happened. I started having real feelings for you. I started caring about how your day was going, and how you felt about things, and what made you sad, and what made you happy, and what you lived for. You started to matter. And all of a sudden, it was out of my control. All of a sudden you were this person I could say anything to. Be as goofy as I wanted with, and it didn't matter, because it was okay. Because we were comfortable. You suddenly were this safe place where I wasn't expecting anything at all. I didn't expect that could even happen. I wasn't looking for it. You said you thought I was looking for something, for love, for anything. But really, it was the exact opposite of that. I honestly intentionally thought that I would never have anything meaningful with any of these people. Including you. And it just fucking happened and then I was thrown into total complete and utter chaos because of it. I was shellshocked, I was confused, even a little angry maybe. Because... there I went again. None of the other ones meant anything, none of the other ones mattered. For some reason, you were different. You fucking mattered.
And I just... I couldn't believe it. I hadn't wanted that. I really hadn't wanted that. I actively did not want that. But it fucking happened and it was basically a fucking miracle. And I just... I guess I felt like it was a miracle and I shouldn't let it go. I shouldn't just fuck it off and pretend I didn't know what I felt and pretend I didn't care and blow you off and disregard those feelings. Because I respect those feelings so much. I just wanted to show them the care I thought they deserved. But really I guess I was only thinking of myself. I was so scared Ben. I was so scared. All of a sudden I had all these feelings snowballing out of my control, and I thought I had just shut down. I thought nothing could touch me. And then you just reached past all of those fucking things and you touched me, wherever I was hiding. And you weren't even trying. You did that without even trying. I was so fucking scared. I was so fucking confused. But more terrifying even than that was the thought that I could lose you. That all of those things that I thought were just going to be dead to me for a while, hit me like that so hard, and that they could just as suddenly be gone. Poof. I was so fucking scared. I never wanted that. I never wanted that fucking terror. But it happened. I didn't know what to do. I tried so hard to tell myself I didn't really feel that way. I tried so hard to stop, to make it go away. But it just didn't work.
But... next time you give your heart away, you're trying to play for keeps. And we both know that's not what I need right now. You can't love me back. Because you know how that's going to end and you don't want to do that again. You just know that's bad for you to do that again. And I get that now. It really is that simple. It's not that I didn't show you I cared enough, or that I was different. It's that it plain and simple is not what you need. And I was selfish for trying to change your mind. So I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. If I really loved you at any time, now, then, whatever, I don't even know how I feel about you right now because I'm lying so hard to myself I don't even know what I'm lying about. However I felt, or .. feel.. or whatever, I support you. I want you to be happy. It's going to have to be without me because that's what you need. I get that now. If I ever fucking said that I loved you, I better have fucking meant it enough to know that the important thing is that you get what you need and what you're happy. So go. Be happy. Go find somebody that is right for you, that's where you're at, that has what you need, that is what you need. I understand now that it's not me. No matter how much you make me feel at peace. It feels like the world is just a non stop scream. It's so loud. It's always screaming and this noise goes on and on and my mind goes on and on and whirls and it's so loud it's deafening all the time. It never fucking stops. And you're just this... silence. Even when you're loud. Even when you're annoying and doing arnold schwartznegger impressions and poking me and fucking with me. You're like this silence in the middle of all this noise. You're this place where I feel peaceful. Where I feel like shit is going to be okay. That is something that you don't find all the time... so when you do, you have to honor it. The best way to honor it is to respect it, and to do the best you can, to build it up. To act in its best interests. Your best interests. Which is not to make you fall in love with me back. It's to help you find what you need. And the best way I can do that is to just tell you... go. Be free. Be happy. Find the person you need. Who is right for you. And accept, finally just accept that that's not me. Go. Find that person. I'll always be just around the corner for you. Always. Because you were silence in a mad world. Because of that, I will always be just around the corner if you need me. But I want you to go now. I want you to find what, and who, you need. If it can't be me, find the one that's the very best, and be the best you, and be the happiest ever. Fall in love, have an amazing life, take chances, regret nothing, be wild, be free, be contained, be crazy and be reserved and smile and laugh and love. Please, if you can't do that with me, okay. But please do that with somebody. I am so sorry that I've tried to hold you back. It was selfish. I just... It's just so hard to come to terms with that when you just want somebody so badly. It was selfish and I was wrong. I won't try to hold you back anymore. I want you to go and find your happiness. And if you ever need me, you have my number. If you ever need me, I am right here. I'm always in your corner. You said to me once... I'm not going anywhere unless you throw me out of your life. I don't know how much you meant that but, I mean it. I just... I see that it was selfish of me now. I get it now. I just want you to be happy. Please go find your happiness, and don't look back. Love always Ben.
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