Okay hold on let me add one more thing

 FROM NOW ON YOU DUMB BITCH.

How long have you had this blog? How many times have you simped over some asshole who couldn't care less about you, who cheated on you and treated you like shit, and just went oooooooooh hes the ONE FOR ME. I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH. While he was obviously acting like you were a pile of steaming shit he'd just stepped in

Point is, your emotions literally can't be trusted. You pick the most god awful people, just because they're narcissistic manipulating liars and manage to convince you that they're good. You pick these obviously damaged people, most of whom have been abused as children, and you fall in love with who you think they are deep down in their hearts, and then you let them treat you like absolute fucking garbage. And you LET THEM, because oh DEEP DOWN THEYRE SUCH GOOD PEOPLE theyre just HURTING and you can HEAL THEIR PAIN with the POWER OF LOVE

Shut the fuck up. Just shut the fucking fuck up. This rage post isn't just about Tunny, it's the result of your inner voice being fucking SICK of the way you've let yourself be treated for OVER TEN YEARS. STOP IT. FUCKING STOP. I'm fucking TIRED OF IT. There is no love at first sight. There is no soul mates, or past lives, and even if there is, who fucking cares because it's not a good enough reason to let someone into your heart who is a SHITTY HUMAN BEING

I'm DONE. I'm OVER IT. I'm not saying I don't believe in real love, but these damaged ass people who just go on to damage you and offer you NOTHING worthwhile are NOT IT. They're NOT REAL LOVE. They never have been. 

I swear to god the next time you give someone a chance, the next time you let yourself feel ANYTHING, which I guarantee won't be for a long ass fucking time, it's not going to be because you just FEEL SO MUCH. I don't give a FUCK about your feelings. Look where your stupid feelings have gotten us. BACK THE FUCK UP AND THINK FOR ONCE. Look at who someone actually IS. Get to know them, make them hang around and be in your life long enough to actually know who they are as a person and not just who they want to make you think that they are, before you let yourself feel ANYTHING. People are fucking LIARS and MANIPULATORS and you need to fucking protect yourself.

Over my dead fucking body will I let one more man in my entire LIFE treat me like a worthless piece of god damn garbage that feeds his ego while I fucking pine after him. Over my GOD DAMN BODY IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

Babe. For real.

 Letter to myself:

Babe. For real. Have you read every blog entry, every google sheets doc, every open office doc, every reddit post? Have you read everything you've written about your relationship?

About how he makes you feel like a saltine cracker. About how he cheats on you and lies to you. About how insecure me makes you feel, how blamed, how tolerated.

Have you actually read this shit? You have the biggest problem I've ever seen with rose colored glasses, making all the screaming red flags just look like flags.

If you're actually impartial, and just read what you've written over the past few years, you'll realize literally nothing has changed. You're still just as fucked up over the same old things as you were three years ago. Not a damn thing has changed. You're so, so unhappy and beaten down.

Why are you wasting so much time on this idiot? It's funny, looking back on the Ben relationship. At the time it felt so loving and so true and so real. And now, looking back, it's just this cringey sort of embarrassment that you ever gave that person the time of day.

You're starting to feel it now. You're starting to feel the cringey embarrassment, about T. Every new journal entry that you find makes you feel it. How embarrassing, that that person treated you like that over and over again for so long, and you still stayed. Chemicals, man. They do weird things to your head. 

For the first time, truly, you're falling out of love with him and seeing him as he really is, not as the person on the pedestal. And what you're seeing is really gross and disappointing.

Good for you. That dude is gross and never deserved a moment of your time.

Idk. Thoughts.

 I've never felt right.

I've never felt beautiful. I've never felt glamorous. I've never felt like I've made any sense.

I'm not sexy. I'm not desirable. It doesn't matter if I'm fat or thin. It doesn't matter what I'm wearing. 

I've never felt like I'm anything.

I'm not masculine. I'm not feminine. I'm not anything that would appeal to anyone in particular. Anything that you want that I have, you could find someone who has more of it. I'm something in between. I'm something to settle for. I'm not something you want. Or something you desire. I'm just here. I'm convenient. I'm comfortable. 

I'm alone. I don't even keep myself company. 

I just want to be wanted. I want to be desired so completely that it wrecks somebody, how much they want me. And what sucks. What really sucks. Is that I've only had that one time, and the person who treated me that way, worshipped me physically but treated me as a person like shit. And it's funny because, I've only ever had the opposite. People who were comforted by my presence and liked me as a person, but who weren't passionate about me. Noone has ever loved me for who I am and been passionate about me, at the same time. Never in my life.

I wish to God that my person felt that way about me. Because I know he loves me, and appreciates that I'm in his life. I know he doesn't want to lose me, and that he cares how I feel, and that my face when I'm sleeping makes him smile when he looks at it. But he's not passionate about me, and he never will be. Because this is what I am, and I don't know how to be sexy like that, or desirable like that. I don't know how. I'm not built that way. He will never be passionate about me. That will always be reserved for some other girls who got away. Not for me. 

I want to be loved. But god I want to be wanted so badly. I need it. I feel like I'm starving. I am literally fucking starving for desire, and I'm a fucking saltine cracker to him. I'm bland. I don't do anything for him. I could be the most beautiful woman in the world, but I could never put on the performance. I don't know how. 

Fuck. I need sex therapy. I need to figure out how to stop feeling like a fraud and belong in my body.

I don't have a great body. I have no tits and a flat ass. But other than that it's not totally terrible. I mean I people come on to me all the time, so I guess that's probably true. But it's the way I feel that makes the difference. If a different girl, a confident person, lived in my body, they could fuck some shit up. But I don't, and I'm not. I'm drab and I'm plain inside. I'm afraid. I think I spent so many years, decades, feeling disgusted with myself, hating how I look, that I need someone to give me confidence. And he doesn't. He just reflects whatever someone shows, back at them. He doesn't take the first step. And neither do I. Maybe that's our downfall. We're too much alike. We're too insecure and we rely on someone else taking that first confident step. 

Glue it back together honey, there'll still be cracks

 I think you might've broken something that you can't fix, boo.

You came to see me in Portland the other day, after about two weeks. You showed up with a single red rose. And you know what? When I put my arms around you, my whole body was shaking. Hard. You must've felt it.

When you kissed me, butterflies roared through my stomach.

But today, I went to a locksmith to get my car key fixed, after I accidentally ran it through the wash. He was young, and tall, with short brown hair and these really intense warm brown eyes.

And I just thought... damn. I felt a little nervous. Like when I opened the door and saw him standing there, I literally stumbled on my way to the desk.

Do you want to know how many times I've looked at another person and thought "god damn that person is fine", since I met you? None. Exactly zero times.

But it happened today.

I know I still have feelings for you, or I wouldn't have been standing there with weak knees and butterflies when I saw you on my porch. I still have feelings. But there's a part of me that feels like they've changed, and I'm not sure exactly how. 

I'm afraid you've broken something you can't fix.

Why do I resent you?

 I need to make a list of tangible reasons why I resent you. There are a lot of reasons I resent you right now. I need to try to flesh them out so I can address it.

1. You owe me $13,000. You focus on paying back everyone else. Oh I gave Jason this, oh I gave Joe this, oh I gave so and so, such and such. It's like instead of being first, I'm the last on your list. I'm BROKE right now, because I gave you all my money. I'm pinching pennies. I can't buy that piano I want to play. And I'm the last on the list.

2. This means, effectively, I'M the one who pays the rent. I'M the one who bought the furniture. You say 'Ill pay you back,' but you HAVEN'T paid me back. That's my money until you pay me back. I pay for everything, and you strut around to your friends, with 'look at my nice house' 'look at my nice furniture' 'look how I'm the man.' When really, I'M the man. Not you. I'M the one who found, and picked up and loaded up, and unloaded, and set up, EVERY piece of furniture in that house. EVERY painting. If I hadn't been here, you'd be living in a huge ass empty house with two camping chairs in the living room. You took everything I had and then bragged about how great you were to everyone who would listen. 

3. Which leads me to, you don't appreciate me. You don't see how much I do. If I left today, if I took my belongings, MY furniture, my stuff, and I took off. Who would cook? Who would buy hand soap, and laundry and dish soap? Who would buy shampoo? Who would grocery shop? Who would buy cleaning supplies? Who would fold and put away the laundry? Who would vacuum, and mop the floor, and wipe down the counters? Nobody. I do everything. You literally have lived here for 4-5 months, and for the first time I asked you to clean the house. Because I was cooking for all your friends and couldn't do it myself. And you asked where the vacuum was. I told you it's where it always is. And you still didn't know. Because in 5 months you have never taken it upon yourself to vacuum. Not once.

4. This is an anecdote but it just sums up everything. You said two nights ago that you wanted a desk/office. I searched online, found a desk you might like, confirmed you'd like it. I then got up early, drove to Washington from basically northern california, got the desk, bought ratchets because I asked you to pack them the night before and you forgot. Loaded it up, drove back. This was a 15 hour day for me. I did that, for you. And I asked for one thing. I said, can you take the trash out. I had already put all the garbage in the trash can. I simply asked you to roll it from the house to the curb. And I get home at 1:30am after driving for 15 hours. The garbage can was sitting there up against the house. I do everything for you and you can't even take 3 minutes to take out the trash. Not even for me, but for us. Half that trash is yours. Not only are you not capable of going 3 minutes out of your way for me alone, you won't even do the most basic thing that's your part. 

5. I know you're going through a lot but you're perfectly happy to sit around feeling sorry for yourself and playing league all day while I flounder, while I have no money because you took it and won't make any moves to get it back. You don't even care. You have no problem falling apart like a child while I try so hard to hold down everything and you don't see it and it doesn't even matter to you.

6. This isn't your fault. This is just a major problem that I don't know what to do about. When I get a job what am I going to do? If I'm doing software engineering for a major company and I'm trying to do my job and take calls and be in meetings, and you're just downstairs drunk in the middle of the day with drug dealers being super loud. Like how is that going to work? I really feel like this is dragging me down. I'd have had a job months ago if I wasn't with you. I'm not blaming you but I know that that is a fact. I'm tired. You're making me tired and you're making me old, and you used to do the opposite. You used to make me feel alive and young and like anything was possible, and now I feel like a 50 year old single mom with a lazy ass teenager who secretly wishes she'd just been the cool wine aunt and never had kids.

You

I thought that maybe the level of feeling that I felt last time would never happen again. Like maybe that's something that only happens when you're really young. I think I was wrong.

I can't explain what I feel for you. It's different than any way I've ever felt before. I've had really deep loves. But I still knew those people weren't right for me, and that knowledge kind of tempered things, somehow. Any time they let me down and I felt the pain of that love, I knew. Any time I looked at who they were as a person and knew in my heart that I would never be happy with them I felt the pain from my love. You're the first. I'm not saying that you'll never do anything to hurt or disappoint me. That's too much to expect from anyone. What I mean is that my love for you itself doesn't hurt me.

Even when I felt the deepest love for someone in the past, that love itself was painful because I knew it wouldn't last. I knew it wasn't someone I could stay with if I wanted to live a happy life.

You're the first and only person that I've felt this way about. My love doesn't hurt me. Because you're everything. You're it. You're what I want. And maybe it won't work out. It might not. But at least I'm not staring at the finish line before I've even reached the halfway mark. I'm confident about you. I could be happy with you. I could live a joyful life and never feel like I'd settled or was missing out. You're someone that I'm proud of. You're kind, and intelligent, and motivated, and selfless, you're fun and thoughtful and adventurous. I would not look back and regret having chosen you. I know that in my bones. I never even realized how every love I've ever had has been tinged with sadness until now, because this one isn't.

It amazes me how happy I am, and how peaceful I feel. Just laying in your bed and breathing in the smell of your pillow is enough to make the world feel perfect. Nothing feels like heaven more than laying against you with our bare skin pressed together. I love the way you purr. That sound literally makes my chest constrict until it hurts. It makes my brain and my heart just go... "protectlovekeepholdcherishcomfort" . There are times when I'm holding you and I squeeze as tight as I can and I just want to get closer even though I've squeezed all the space out from between us and there's nowhere closer to go. I guess that the only place closer than against my skin is under it, and you've definitely done that.

I could list a million little things that you make me feel, but in the end it's just you. You're everything. You're the love of my life.

All you have to do

I want to hold your hand every day, for as many days as I have. I want to take every broken thing that you put back together and use it to lift you up. Sometimes I can't believe that I deserve this. Sometimes I'm scared about how much I feel I've come to need you.

Because I've worked so hard, and I've done so much. To be productive, to contribute, to build a life. To follow what I'm passionate about, what I love, what I'm good at. To take care of others. But nothing has ever felt like a reason for being, one that answered every question, like sitting quietly next to you does.

Sometimes I think that maybe, I gave you the rest of my days on the day that I met you. And if you ever want them, all you have to do is ask.