I've never felt right.
I've never felt beautiful. I've never felt glamorous. I've never felt like I've made any sense.
I'm not sexy. I'm not desirable. It doesn't matter if I'm fat or thin. It doesn't matter what I'm wearing.
I've never felt like I'm anything.
I'm not masculine. I'm not feminine. I'm not anything that would appeal to anyone in particular. Anything that you want that I have, you could find someone who has more of it. I'm something in between. I'm something to settle for. I'm not something you want. Or something you desire. I'm just here. I'm convenient. I'm comfortable.
I'm alone. I don't even keep myself company.
I just want to be wanted. I want to be desired so completely that it wrecks somebody, how much they want me. And what sucks. What really sucks. Is that I've only had that one time, and the person who treated me that way, worshipped me physically but treated me as a person like shit. And it's funny because, I've only ever had the opposite. People who were comforted by my presence and liked me as a person, but who weren't passionate about me. Noone has ever loved me for who I am and been passionate about me, at the same time. Never in my life.
I wish to God that my person felt that way about me. Because I know he loves me, and appreciates that I'm in his life. I know he doesn't want to lose me, and that he cares how I feel, and that my face when I'm sleeping makes him smile when he looks at it. But he's not passionate about me, and he never will be. Because this is what I am, and I don't know how to be sexy like that, or desirable like that. I don't know how. I'm not built that way. He will never be passionate about me. That will always be reserved for some other girls who got away. Not for me.
I want to be loved. But god I want to be wanted so badly. I need it. I feel like I'm starving. I am literally fucking starving for desire, and I'm a fucking saltine cracker to him. I'm bland. I don't do anything for him. I could be the most beautiful woman in the world, but I could never put on the performance. I don't know how.
Fuck. I need sex therapy. I need to figure out how to stop feeling like a fraud and belong in my body.
I don't have a great body. I have no tits and a flat ass. But other than that it's not totally terrible. I mean I people come on to me all the time, so I guess that's probably true. But it's the way I feel that makes the difference. If a different girl, a confident person, lived in my body, they could fuck some shit up. But I don't, and I'm not. I'm drab and I'm plain inside. I'm afraid. I think I spent so many years, decades, feeling disgusted with myself, hating how I look, that I need someone to give me confidence. And he doesn't. He just reflects whatever someone shows, back at them. He doesn't take the first step. And neither do I. Maybe that's our downfall. We're too much alike. We're too insecure and we rely on someone else taking that first confident step.
